Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (25 page)

We never have a sexual thought—not one—when Fat Charley cuts our hair. His assistant, however—her shampoo massage could go on forever. We’ve heard from guys who fantasize about bald women (“naked from the neck up,” as they say), but never from anyone who gets turned on from sitting in the chair. It’s not surprising that you find the experience arousing; the scalp is overlooked as an erogenous zone.
(Try massaging your lover’s head, or rubbing her hair, and gauge her response.) If a haircut is the only way you can get turned on, you have a true fetish. That’s not healthy, or much fun. May you never suffer from male-pattern baldness.

Nipple sex

When I was younger, I attended a boarding school for girls. I’m now 21 and married to a great guy. My husband and I read
Playboy
together in bed, and he suggested I write you. My roommate at school was a lesbian. We became good friends and, after a time, lovers. She led the way. It was mostly kissing at first, then fondling, shared masturbation and oral sex. There was one thing she taught me that I haven’t seen or heard of since. She would have me suck her nipples to hardness, then, as I lay on my tummy, she would part my bum cheeks with her thumbs and (one at a time) press a stiffened nipple into my rectum. When she gave the word, I would begin a rhythmic clenching of my bum. It felt gorgeous, like I was sucking her into me, and she would masturbate me while bringing herself off on my leg. We took turns, but she always preferred “getting” the nipple to “giving” it. I enjoyed both roles. I’ve told my husband about it (no secrets, right?), and he loves the idea. And although he can’t reciprocate with a swollen nipple, he more than compensates with his penis. Is this a common lesbian practice?—D.D., Kelowna, British Columbia

It’s not common, but it’s inventive. Where will the world’s nipples go next? You were fortunate to have had such an adventurous lover. Now maybe it’s time to put your husband on his tummy.

All tied up

My girlfriend claims she needs to be dominant to enjoy sex, so she ties me up a lot. I don’t mind her being in control, but it also means I can’t touch her. This past week she left me bound in the bedroom. When I called out, she came back and gagged me. I was angry and a little afraid. I spent 90 minutes trying to get free. When she saw that I had tried to escape, she lit into me, then devoured me. The sex was amazing, but I am worried. What if she decides to leave me for longer periods? When I tell her how I feel, she calls me a sissy and asks if the sex isn’t good.—D.T., Kansas City, Missouri

The sex may be great, but the setup needs work. Before you do this again, establish a safe word that ends play immediately when uttered by either partner. This ensures that no one crosses boundaries, and it can also prevent injuries. For
example, if your girlfriend ties her knots so tight that they cut off your circulation, you have no way of convincing her that you are not just being a “sissy.” If she won’t agree to a safe word, or if you agree on one and she then ignores it, you should not allow her to bind you in any way.

How exactly does one utter a safe word while gagged?—M.P., Defiance, Ohio

Our safe word is “mmmmph,” so it always works out. If you’re planning to be gagged, you need a safe move. Your top might give you a bell to ring or a ball that you can drop if the scene becomes too intense. The couple had a larger issue to address, which is that the bottom didn’t trust his top. A safe word or move is pointless without that. In his book
SM 101
, Jay Wiseman offers more tips for bondage that we found helpful the last time we couldn’t get away for lunch: “(1) SM is something you do with someone, not to someone. (2) You almost never get into serious trouble by going too slowly. (3) If you want to know what they’re into, watch their eyes. They can’t fake their eyes. (4) Experience it yourself before you do it to someone else. (5) Never tie a submissive into a position that would require his cooperation in releasing him.” And finally, “(6) If you don’t have a current CPR card, you cannot call yourself a responsible dominant.” Youch.

Hand fetish

Have you ever heard of anyone having a hand fetish? I asked my girlfriend what first attracted her to me, and she said she loved my hands. Is she pulling my leg?—H.G., Baltimore, Maryland

Every woman will develop a hand fetish if her lover uses his digits wisely. Lisa Carver, editor of the fanzine
Rollerderby
, once interviewed a hard-core hand lover about what turns her on. “The thumb is very important,” she explained. “It represents strength. My father has great hands—they’re honest. The puffy part of his thumb is big. That indicates kindness. Anyone with hands like his—especially older men—I’m drawn to. I trust them. I want to be safe under their hands. Another quality I look for is the handling of small things, like stereo knobs. I know he’ll treat my nipples and clit the same way. If he’s subtle and articulate in how he adjusts the volume knob, then I’m his for the asking.” Don’t crank that dial, fellas, caress it. If your girlfriend says she adores your hands, cup every part of her body with them.

Erotic spanking

Is there a subtle way to ask how a new lover feels about spanking? Also, are there any signs that someone enjoys this type of sex play?—P.R., Trenton, New Jersey

Besides the fact that they never sit down? It’s hit or miss. In general, the better the sex, the more likely your partner will experiment. One spanking fan hints to new lovers that he enjoys “a little more slap than tickle”; another lays it on the line as soon as the relationship gets intimate. To test the waters, initiate a discussion about erotic likes and dislikes, or share an adult video that includes a spanking scene and study your partner’s reaction. Naturally, the simplest way to find a spanker or spankee is to hang with them through organizations such as Shadow Lane (shadowlane.com), which sells spanking erotica, publishes a magazine of lonely-butts ads and hosts frequent parties.

During foreplay my female friend was lying across my lap while I gently spanked her ass. After a few minutes she spread her legs, raised her ass to expose her lips and asked me to spank her vulva. After six spanks she was soaking wet and after a few more she squeezed my hand between her thighs and had a shuddering orgasm. Is this unusual or had I just missed something?—G.H., West Palm Beach, Florida

Nothing is unusual if you have the right woman, the right position, the right teacher, the right timing and the right pressure. Don’t think about what you may have missed. Think about what you’ve found.

Fight club

I am a housewife, age 34. I’ve been happily married for 10 years. Our sex life is satisfactory but hardly what you’d call adventurous. (He begs me to try lingerie and oral sex but I have done so only on rare occasions.) Something happened recently that made me feel ashamed. My husband and I had gone to a mall. As we loaded our car before leaving, a young woman pulled into a space nearby. She opened her door and hit the car next to her. The man in the car jumped out and began screaming profanities and threatening her. When two construction workers came to her aid, the idiot began to verbally assault them. A fistfight broke out. One of the workers pulled a pair of pliers out of his tool belt and pinched the man’s groin. He screamed in pain. By the time we arrived home a few minutes later, I was so horny I couldn’t stand it. My husband unloaded the car, and I ran to the house to relieve myself. I had two of the most satisfying orgasms I’ve ever experienced. Since that day, I have enjoyed masturbation as never before; every time I think of that scene at the mall I become extremely aroused. But I also feel incredibly guilty. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I’ve never enjoyed pain or seeing anyone suffer.—C.W., Cleveland, Ohio

Here’s our hypothesis as to why you became so turned on: Besides the menace in the situation, which would get anyone’s blood flowing, you observed one person clearly demonstrating carnal power over another. You’ve always been a passive participant in sex; your husband has told you what he wants, but you aren’t sure how to express your desires, or even how to discover what they might be. That’s why you retreated to masturbate when you should have thrown your husband on the hood of the car and told him, “I am so turned on. Fuck me—now.” In a way this incident may be a godsend, because it’s helped you get in touch with your inner dominatrix. Tell your husband that he can have his lingerie and oral sex, but only after he’s on his knees.

Catfight

For as long as I can remember, I have been outspoken and in control, but now I need some serious advice. Recently I went to my ex-husband’s house to see him. He wasn’t there, but his 24-year-old fiancée opened the door. I made myself at home, against her wishes. To her credit, she was polite when she asked me to leave, but I never missed a chance to take a cheap jab. I told her to hush, that she was just a piece of ass to him, and that what he needed was a real woman. That pissed her off, and she proceeded to jump me and thoroughly kick my ass. I told her I gave up, but she was too mad to let it go. To cut to specifics, soon I was licking her pussy through her underwear until she came. She then brought me to climax with her fingers, telling me that now I would know who was the piece of ass. When we were finished, she forced me to wear her panties. That was seven months ago. I have been wearing her panties ever since. Three weeks ago she came to my apartment and showed me two pairs of panties—one mine and one hers—and told me to choose. If I chose mine, it meant I had learned my lesson. For reasons I can’t explain, I chose hers. Am I getting what I deserve? Please help.—M.S., Des Moines, Iowa

You met your match, and it turned you on. That’s hardly surprising. The most enthusiastic submissives are dominant in every other area of their lives. This is a tricky situation. It begins with the fact that you’re having an affair with your
ex-husband’s lover. Given the other complications here (such as not changing your underwear for seven months), that almost seems quaint. Your ex will find out eventually, and you have a better idea than we do how he’ll react. Your priority should be to agree on a safe word—a signal that you want an encounter to end. No responsible dominant refuses to establish one. If yours won’t, we suggest you wear your own panties. That’s not such a bad idea anyway. You’ve discovered something new about your sexuality; now find a more suitable partner to share it with.

Sex education

My lover and I enjoy moderate S&M. Lately his kid brother, who attends college nearby, has been asking questions about the more exotic and erotic aspects of sex. My lord and master has decided to give his brother a sex education course, using me as a demonstration model. Lesson one will show how to gently and passionately strip a woman. Lesson two will cover foreplay and a variety of positions. Lesson three will include the delights of oral sex and some pointers on S&M, if that interests him. I’m proud of my body and don’t mind displaying it, but I’m concerned about my lover. Although he says he loves the feeling of owning me completely, I don’t think he could help but regard me as a whore if he saw me with another man. We’ve agreed to let you decide if we should go ahead with the plan.—L.R., Washington, D.C.

Let’s be honest. This isn’t about sex education. It’s about fulfilling your sexual fantasies. The only thing the kid will learn in your bedroom is how to fuck his brother’s girlfriend. That’s not particularly useful in the dating scene. Arranging a threesome—or, technically, a twosome and a voyeur—is complicated enough without involving relatives. Besides, you’re overlooking the third heart in this scenario. Your lover’s brother may want more than a demonstration model to teach him about sex.

Yeah baby

My boyfriend of two years and I have started talking about marriage. Recently he told me a secret that he has kept for 15 years from his friends and family: He enjoys dressing as a baby once or twice a week, complete with diapers. Sometimes he wears them overnight. He says it relieves stress. He has tried to stop, but after seeing other adult babies on daytime talk shows he decided that there isn’t a problem as long as he’s not hurting anyone. He wanted me to know about it before things progressed. I love him and am not sure what to do. Should I encourage him to change? This isn’t the way I imagined becoming a mother.—C.F., Austin, Texas

It’s good to see you’ve kept your sense of humor about what’s certainly a stressful situation. Your boyfriend showed courage revealing his secret; he risked losing you but chose to be honest. That says something about your relationship. Realize that you aren’t going to wean him from this fetish—it’s not a hobby. However, many couples manage to integrate a variety of offbeat tastes into mutually satisfying sex lives. Infantilism is common as uncommon tastes go; there are support groups online and companies that sell giant diapers, rubber pants, pins, rattles, pacifiers and bibs for adults. Most ABers are men, though some women also enjoy dressing as infants or young girls. The act of becoming an infant can be a stress buster: It allows the submissive partner to take a break from the responsibilities of the adult world. At the same time, he can demand without guilt that every whim be fulfilled, which gives him control. We see no harm in this sort of sexual play as long as you’re willing to participate and it’s not the only way your boyfriend gets off. Find an open-minded therapist for premarital counseling. Your boyfriend can explain his desires; you can voice your concerns and set limits. Couples in love have negotiated greater conflicts than this. Look on the bright side: If you have a kid, you’ll both already have experience with diapers.