Dead Romantic (35 page)

‘Aren't you in enough trouble?' said Louis, as Pee Wee licked his chin. ‘You're already odds on for a criminal record and a few months' community service. You really want to add murder to your charge sheet?'

‘It won't
be
murder, will it?' said Damian. ‘How can you murder someone who's already dead? Everything he's made of is dead. He's a dead head, a dead body, dead hands . . . no one knows he exists except us.'

‘And those cops. They know,' said Louis.

‘They know nothing,' said Damian, folding his arms. ‘We can get away with that if we just stick to our story and say Zoe was the only one in the gym. Right? So who's with me? Who's gonna help me kill a killer before he kills?'

I took a deep breath. ‘I've promised Zoe I'll look after him and take him back to the house. I can't go back on a promise.' Louis was looking at me like he wanted to tell me how big my arse looked without hurting my feelings. Damian was looking at me like he couldn't wait to tell me how big my arse looked. ‘You're just afraid of him because
he's fitter than you are,' I snipped, folding my arms.

‘Do you really think I'm that shallow?' said Damian, his face darkening.

‘No,' I said.

‘Is he?'

I shrugged. ‘You've seen him. He's pretty cute.'

‘Look, we just need to find him for now, before the police get to him and before they start asking awkward questions,' said Louis, putting Pee Wee on the ground and reaching for my hand.

‘Awkward questions like what?' I said.

‘Awkward questions like why he's naked or why his hands are falling off.' said Damian.

‘They won't fall off,' I said. ‘Zoe is a brilliant surgeon. She doesn't make mistakes like that.'

Damian pouted and looked at Louis. ‘Lou?'

‘What?' Louis frowned.

‘Kill or cuddle? What's it to be?'

Louis looked at me and took ages to answer. ‘Maybe Dame's right. If he's off his head, we need to stop him. We can't explain this away to the police. They'll want to know who he is and . . . '

‘Please, Louis,' I said.

‘I'm going home to tool up,' Damian announced, folding his arms. ‘You two can sit here having a coffee morning about it if you want. I'm going.'

‘Tool up with what?' I called after him.

He swaggered back to us. ‘Weapons, of course. We got ourselves a real live dead guy to bag and tag. Now, for the last time, who's with me?'

This wasn't right. This wasn't what Zoe wanted. This wasn't even what I wanted, not after all our hard work. I hadn't even seen Thomas properly yet. I felt sure if I could catch him and get him into Zoe's house, into that padded room, we could train him to be something good, something human. Like I'd trained Pee Wee to bring back balls and eat doggy treats and Pot Noodles,
not
poodles.

I felt my spine straighten. I felt myself grow an inch taller. I felt my heart pound stronger than ever, like a big brass band marching down the street, knowing exactly where it was going, exactly what tune it was playing. I knew what I had to do now.

‘I said, who's with me?' Damian repeated, putting his hand out in front of him.

Louis put his hand on top. ‘I'm in,' he said with a deep sigh. I could tell that killing things was not in his nature at all. Dead things he could deal with, but he wasn't the sort of boy who was used to making things get dead.

‘Camille?'

‘Yes,' I said. ‘I'm in.' And I put my hand on top of theirs even though I didn't mean it at all, not one little bit. I threw Louis a look as I rubbed his hand in the hand pile, then took mine out of it. I would make my excuses and as soon as the boys were out of the way, I was going to go straight to the woods and find Thomas, on my own if I had to, and lead him to safety. I'd never been more sure of anything ever ever. Maybe I'd be good at it too, working with the recently undead. Zoe had said I was good at caring. Maybe that was my vocation.

‘Right,' said Damian, rubbing his hands together. ‘We'll
go to my house, get on the hard stuff for a bit of Dutch courage, grab anything metal with a point on it and track this psycho down . . .'

‘Dame . . .' Louis began.

‘No, I don't wanna hear anymore, Lou. The time to hesitate is through. We've got a town to save. Come on, let's fucking DO THIS, people!'

 

 

To Barry Cunningham for shocking this book back to life many times.

Imogen Cooper, Rachel Hickman, Rachel Leyshon, Esther Waller, Elinor Bagenal, Tina Waller and all at Chicken House. Miranda Baker, for her totes excellent editorial support. And my friend Laura Myers, for your endless enthusiasm for Louis.

My sister Penny Skuse, for always reading and always laughing, even when you're not supposed to.

The Snead Crew – Maggie, Roy, Emily and Matthew who always reads it early and always enthuses, even when it's crap.

The Skuse Posse – Jamie, Angie, Alex and Josie Skuse who helped me to work out how heavy a corpse was. And to Joshua Skuse, because you ask with every book when you're going to be in it. So the Three Joshes are in this one, just for you.

To book bloggers the world over who have reviewed my books and helped to spread the word, particularly Laura Heath at Sister Spooky Book Fangirl. Consider yourself totes awesies.

My internal soundtrack masters, who this time round were AC/DC, Avril Lavigne, Boyce Avenue, The Chemical Brothers, The Cure, Dizzee Rascal, Dresden Dolls, Ed Sheeran, Embrace, Evanescence, Ke$ha, Lissie, MGMT, My Chemical Romance, The Naked and Famous, Nero,
Nicki Minaj, Oingo Boingo, Owl City, Paramore, Pendulum, Pink, The Prodigy, RHCP, Rihanna, Sleigh Bells, Zero 7.

Robert Louis Stevenson, H.P. Lovecraft, Mary Shelley, Stuart Gordon, Peggy Webling and John Hughes, because they all got there first and did it mucho, mucho better.

Frances Bean Cobain, Lisa Blackwell, Jack O'Connell, Josh Hutcherson and Gerard Way. Although you didn't know it, your body parts gave life to Zoe, Camille, Damian, Louis and Professor Lutwyche. So cheers for that.

 

 

... intensely funny ... Laugh-aloud slapstick with a dash of romance. It's terrific.

Pure brilliance! I loved this one ... If you want to read a British book this year make it this one.

... funny, and accurate about the way teens think and speak.

... I absolutely loved it ... I truly recommend the novel. Be prepared: you will want to listen to a lot of rock music while reading this novel ...

Oh Man – I loved this book! ... Superb!

I am in love with this book. It makes me smile ... the last line is absolute perfection! And it made me cry.

... seriously? A teenager who KIDNAPS HER FAVOURITE ROCKSTAR? ... dude, who *wouldn't* want to kidnap their favourite rock star?! ... YOU HAVE TO READ THIS.

... a heart-warming tale of what it's like to love something so much it hurts, the reality of coming face to face with what you love and realising that sometimes you have to stop having a dream and start living the dream ...

...
Rockoholic
is a really fresh YA novel that will have you absolutely gripped ... If you've ever been crazy about a celebrity or you simply love to read YA, you must get a copy.

... a whole lot of fun. Jaw-droppingly off the wall in places, I lost count of the times I laughed out loud while reading it ...

... very excellent ... I am a big fan of Ms. Skuse, who also wrote the superb
Pretty Bad Things.
Give
Rockoholic
a whirl – it is incredibly funny.

... pretty darned awesome ...

...
Rockoholic
is one of the funniest, most entertaining and highly original books I've read in a long time... I can't recommend
Rockoholic
highly enough ...

This is one of those books that made me laugh and cry... The relationship between Mac and Jody is just gorgeous ... I really did love this book ...

A rip roaring story about the perils of fame and the reality of all that glamour.

... humorous and touching, shocking and reassuring, this story is a joy to read.

 

 

... Skuse's fast-paced, edgy debut ... conveys the twins' powerful connection through their affecting dialogue and recollections of childhood. Readers should be fully invested in their whirlwind tour of the Vegas strip, right up to the unexpected ending.

... a cultural pick 'n' mix of influences spanning the decades ... There is an impressive filmic quality to the novel – you can literally see it rolling out before you as you read ... altogether a pretty damn good read.

... skilfully drawn teenagers, street smart but vulnerable. Their complimentary but strikingly different voices, coupled with exuberant dialogue and a fast-moving plot kept this reader enthralled ... An impressive debut.

... the best YA thing I've read in ages ... Fantastic story, wonderful writing, and the characters are just SO good ... It's so good, I'd even recommend it to people I don't like.

... vastly enjoyable debut ... does a great job of establishing voice – laconic, teenage, contemporary – and attitude – disrespectful, impatient, funny ...

... almost bursting with its own driving energy ... excellent ... its pace and ambition ... carry it triumphantly through. The author is clearly someone to watch.

... a fast-moving and exciting novel ... sassy, clever, pacy ... sings off the page...

This breathtaking, rollercoaster book flings the reader head first into the action from the opening page and doesn't let up until the closing paragraphs. This is teenage rebellion and recklessness in its rawest form...

Pretty Bad Things
is one of the most important YA debuts of 2010. It was refreshingly funky, pacy and rude. I loved it!

... slick, hip and anarchic ... this is fresh and effortlessly readable.

Dynamic characters, wisecrack jokes and exhilarating read
, Pretty Bad Things
is a brilliant novel ... and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys Young Adult fiction with a twist.

... this book could do what
Catcher in the Rye
has done for more than a generation of readers but unlike J.D. Salinger, let's hope the author continues to deliver a knock-out punch with each new book that's published ...

... C.J. Skuse's writing is among the best I've read in the past few years, and her words are brimming with snark, wit and humour ... cool, edgy and daring ...

... a fabulous debut ... Skuse, female, writes with a lot of balls ... she has arrived on the scene with a voice that I for one will be longing to hook up with again.

... bat shit crazy awesome ... Full of sass and sweet-toothed criminality ...

 

 

 

 

 

From the Chicken House

I've never lost my head, or any other part of me for that matter, to a girl. Honest.

C.J. Skuse shows us how finding the best bits of a boy is surprisingly difficult – especially when it's a heart of gold that you truly, deeply want. This is a hilarious, moving, tiny bit sad, gloriously redemptive (yes!), unique mix from a totally brilliant new talent.

You'll never ask for a . . . hand . . . with anything again!

Barry Cunningham

Publisher

Published by Scholastic Australia
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Text © C.J. Skuse 2013.
Cover design by Helen Crawford-White.
First published in Great Britain by The Chicken House in 2013.
This electronic edition published by Scholastic Australia Pty Limited in 2013.

E-PUB/MOBI eISBN 978 1 92506 307 3

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, storage in an information retrieval system, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, unless specifically permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 as amended. .