Dancing Through Life (11 page)

There’s no doubt that the pressure that comes along with the entertainment business is real and daunting. My dad had a hard time understanding why I would subject myself to that kind of pressure. He’d often encourage me to quit the entertainment industry and find a stable job because the competition was so stiff.

Looking back I can see that he was trying to manage expectations. Nobody wants their little girl to be disappointed, and I’m sure that he thought that lowering the bar would protect me from shooting for the moon; but it didn’t. I still wanted to act and I still wanted someone to believe I could achieve higher goals for myself. But instead, what I learned was to question and doubt myself every step of the way. I learned that the fear of failure outweighed the possibility of trying to succeed.

In contrast, my husband, Val, is one of the most confident people I’ve ever met, which was one of my initial attractions to him. He’s a world-class professional athlete with two Olympic medals to his name whose talent and confidence have taken him far in life. He lives by the motto “excuses are for losers.” This is a man that doesn’t take the first no for an answer and continues to push and pursue life with an “all-in” attitude. Failure isn’t a consideration when it comes to trying. He would never defeat himself mentally before giving it his all and would agree with Michael Jordan when he said, “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” So, compare a childhood focused on lowering expectations and a lack of displayed confidence and encouragement to rise above and a marriage to someone with extremely high expectations and a no-lose attitude, and the contrast is pretty dramatic.

So when it came to my relationship with Mark, with a tissue in hand, I told him from my heart, “I want to be the best for you. I know this journey is supposed to be for me, but you’re my partner. I want the two of us to get to the end! I never want to be the reason of disappointment because I’m an encourager by nature and I’m a happy person, so when I feel like I’m holding someone back (that’d be Mark as a dance pro in this case) or pulling someone down (to a lower level of performance standards) that makes me feel terrible.” I felt like I’d let him down somewhere along the line.

Some of the teary stuff the producers caught on camera actually came from me talking about my dad and my husband. Since those are two of my favorite people in the entire world and I want to honor them, I asked the producers not to show the footage where I discussed those relationships. In the end they edited two and a half hours of footage down to a very short clip that focused on my fear of disappointing Mark. The tears were real. The issues were real. And the impact was very real.

By the end of the session, Mark’s arm was around me. We were sitting side by side and he was comforting me in a very big brother kind of way. We had had a breakthrough!

A Game Changer

As we were leaving Dr. Jenn’s office, Mark said, “I thought that was going to be a joke, but it was pretty great.”

I totally agreed. I didn’t expect to learn anything new about myself. I certainly didn’t expect a mental breakthrough, but I was pleasantly surprised to walk out of that office with a new perspective and new tools for the journey going forward. Dr. Jenn was pretty fantastic.

Ultimately, that session had a dramatic impact on my relationship with Mark and my ability to perform on the
DWTS
stage. Mark’s attitude was different toward me after that week. The way he would pressure me on Sundays and Mondays changed from that point forward. I felt empowered by gaining new insight into what made me tick, and I saw Mark make a conscious effort to teach me and interact with me differently.

I was so appreciative of Mark at that point for listening and responding. Anyone can hear something and just leave it. Mark had a front-row seat to the fact that I have some pretty clear issues about disappointing others. He could have filed that away in his “who cares” file and continued to push me toward perfection. But he didn’t. He saw what the hurdles were and made a decision to course-correct.

In this way Mark modeled for me a skill that I want to bring into my own relationships off the dance floor. People have needs. They have worries and fears. They have issues that they need to work through. It’s easy for me to gloss over that and simply hope they will get over the hump. But I watched Mark take an active role in that session and then change how he taught me beyond that moment. He made the choice to be the best partner that he could be for me in the journey to succeed. What a perfect example for the model of marriage.

Mark’s Take

After the show, I wanted to hear what the experience had been like for Mark, straight from the horse’s mouth. I traded in my dancin’ shoes for a reporter’s hat and asked Mark what it was like to share a spot on a counselor’s couch with me.

Me:
What was that counseling session like for you?

Mark:
I thought when we were going in that it was going to be this quick setup thing and about dancing. I was going in there thinking,
This is dumb, this isn’t going to work, and how’s it going to help me with whatever dance we had that week?
And then we were in there for ten minutes and I was like,
This is kind of insightful,
and then another fifteen to twenty minutes and I thought,
This is actually quite insightful and might be good to bring out some other stuff,
and then . . . it got really deep. The audience didn’t see everything in the package that kind of came out, but we went on an emotional roller coaster!

Me:
Was it hard for you to change how you coached me?

Mark:
No, not after I understood fully where you were at mentally with the challenge. In the first few weeks yes, it was difficult, because I couldn’t understand why the first week was so perfect and then the rest of the weeks you were starting to get nervous. After we flushed out all that stuff in the therapy session, I understood. It’s important to remember that this show is about your journey, not my journey. And once I understood that this was a huge element of your journey and not some random thing you were doing, I had to be content with that.

Something to Brag About

I’ve had many fans tell me that those moments in the therapist’s office were a turning point for them as well. Instead of being turned off by an area of exposed weakness, they wanted to root for me more, because I was transparent. They didn’t say, “You’re a mess! You don’t belong on that stage.” Instead they said, “I really want you to do well because you’ve got some junk and you owned it, and that’s a hard thing to do!”

I was surprised how many people resonated with the fact I had to trade in some of the high expectations I put on myself in an attempt to be perfect for realistic expectations. I think as women we often assume that people will be most impressed by us if we can appear like we’ve got it all together. Instead, people are drawn to humility, transparency, vulnerability, and even weakness.

It may sound mysterious, and even a little crazy, but God’s Word tells us that if we are going to brag about anything, it should be our weaknesses, not our strengths.

In 2 Corinthians 11–12, Paul is writing to the church in Corinth when he finds a strange thing to brag about. “If boasting is necessary, I will boast about my weaknesses” (11:30).

Boast about weakness? Who does that? Paul does. If we keep reading, we find out why.

Paul explains that he has an area of fragility that he can’t seem to overcome. He calls it a “thorn in the flesh.” Maybe it was a physical weakness. Maybe it was an area of insecurity. Maybe it was a gravitation toward sin. Either way, Paul had a hurdle that he could not overcome on his own. He asked the Lord to take it away. Instead, he learned a valuable lesson about falling short:

Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:8–9)

Weaknesses are a good thing because they work like neon signs, pointing out our need for Jesus. Those things that drive us to our knees are a gift because we find the great Need-Meeter there.

If I could wave a magic wand and be free of my imperfections, believe me I would. If I could shed fear of disappointing man completely, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I cannot. Those patterns are deeply ingrained and a part of who I am. Only God can change my heart, and this journey helped me see how desperately I need Him to do so.

This chapter of the story could have had a completely different ending. I could have kept my heart under lock and key, refusing to acknowledge my weaknesses or discuss my insecurities. I could have applied another layer of glue to my mask of perfection in the hopes that the world would love me more if I could just convince them I was all right. I could have continued to try to be brave in front of Mark, never letting him see my vulnerabilities and fears. I could try to polish myself up to a high shine before approaching Jesus instead of letting Him know just how desperately I need Him.

Imagine how this leg of the journey would have turned out if that was the path I had chosen. Mark and I would have continued to struggle with my intense fear of disappointing others. He would have unknowingly continued to press in harder, making it worse. I would have continued to wrestle with intense anxiety and fear without understanding the root cause. Fans might have watched me and thought I had it all together, but it would have been an act. Instead they got to see the real me. I’m so grateful for the love and support they showed as a result.

Being open about my weakness marked a turning point in the journey for me. If I had refused to get real, I doubt the story would have ended as happily.

Perhaps this is why Paul decided to brag about his flaws:

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

When we brag about our frailty, we shine the spotlight on the strength of our God. That’s why embracing and sharing our weaknesses is a theme in His Word. Romans 8:26 says that the Spirit helps us in our weakness. First Corinthians 15:43 promises that what is sown in weakness will be raised in power. Don’t you remember singing about this in Sunday school? We are weak, but He is strong! The cracks in our perfection provide a place for God’s power to rush in and for His name to be glorified!

The Comeback Kid

Ultimately, the week wasn’t about falling short. It became a week of triumph. I faced my fears and I hung in there. I wanted to quit, but I didn’t and I felt so rewarded. Latin Week proved to be a breakthrough week and our Argentine tango dance to the song “1977” by Ana Tijoux ended up being my favorite dance of the entire season. I wasn’t nervous. I didn’t blank out. Instead of fixating on my fears and allowing anxiety to control emotions, mind, and body, I felt total freedom to enjoy the ride.

This week also marked the first week I’d be performing two dances! The remaining contestants were split into two groups, chosen by the two teams’ captains, Meryl Davis and Charlie White, who were leading in scores. Our Team Loca consisted of Meryl Davis and Maks Chmerkovskiy, Danica McKellar and Val Chmerkovskiy, Amy Purdy and Derek Hough, and Mark and me. We performed to “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin who was guest judging that week, and got a near-perfect score with three 10s and one 9.

When it came to the Argentine tango with Mark, I recalled those simple tools from Dr. Jenn and instead of lowering the bar for myself by saying things like, “I hope I do well,” or, “I want to do well,” I told myself, “I can do this and I will do this!” I wasn’t trying to leap over some impossibly high standard created by the expectations of others. I was free to do my best and untethered from an unrealistic fear of failure.

In the end I got great scores, an 8 and three 9s. That felt good! But the real victory came from the way God was able to work in my heart when I got real about areas of struggle. As the week wrapped, I felt like twelve-year-old Candace on Colossus. I had faced my fears. I’d been high and low in front of a watching world, and God was with me every step of the way.

How about you? Do you have weaknesses you are terrified to expose? Do you build walls in an attempt to keep people from seeing the “real you”? If so, let me encourage you to take Paul’s advice. Instead of hiding your flaws, brag about them! When we’re honest about ourselves and our shortcomings, we shine the light on our God who meets all our needs. Isn’t it freeing to know that our imperfections can point others to Jesus? Let go of perfect and grab on to a strong God who loves you just the way you are! What are you waiting for?!

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.
So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9–10)