Dancing Through Life (8 page)

My mood shifted from anxious back to excited. The costume was so much fun! There was nothing sexy about it. In fact, it was every little girl’s childhood dream come true! I texted my mom and sister and said, “I feel like a Disney princess!” Praise God I felt great freedom and relief and felt no hesitation wearing it, knowing exactly who would be sitting in the audience.

Those emotions spilled out onto the dance floor because our “Under the Sea” routine received one 8 and three 9s. Donnie Osmond, who was guest judging that week, gave me the thumbs-up as I approached the judges’ table and said, “Candace, I know that being at the bottom of the leaderboard (from last week) is very discouraging. Don’t give up, because what I just saw was so promising. You were fantastic!” Carrie Ann went on to say, “You are one of my favorite movers on this season. I love watching you when you’re in the zone and feeling comfortable. I relate to the way you move. It’s so strong, so earthy, and so powerful. But you have another notch to you, and it’s just a mind game, because you are incredible, Candace!” All the kind words from the judges made me feel proud, but mostly I was proud of myself for sticking to my personal convictions, even when it required me to swim upstream.

The Fight after the Fight

I wish I could say that the fight over that mermaid costume ended when I exited the dance floor, but it didn’t. While many people wrote to me saying that this was their favorite dance of the season, there were also people who criticized my choices. Most of the negative chatter happened online through social media. While it was no fun to be the guinea pig, I’m grateful for the exposure that this situation gave me because it gives me the opportunity to address a growing challenge in the modern church and gives me some authority to ask this question: As Christians, how should we treat each other online?

My Facebook ballooned to over 1 million followers during my time on
DWTS
and I gained somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million new Instagram and Twitter followers. I was obligated to post on social media as part of my
DWTS
experience, which I loved doing anyway, but the growth was so explosive that it took on a life of its own.

Because so many celebs have “people” who run their social media for them, the question begs, who does mine? I mean, who
actually
manages, posts, and comments on all my social media? I do! Not a personal assistant, not my publicist, not my agent or managers, not my kids (well, sometimes if they hack it), but me. Which means, I’m the one who reads your comments. I did make an effort to stop reading the majority of comments in preparation for the Disney week show, but there was no avoiding the tidal wave of opinions that flooded in after the show aired. My costume choice also became a hot topic of discussion in the blogosphere. I may have wanted to bury my head in the sand and ignore it all, but I’m not sure there’s a desert big enough!

• “You’re not godly enough.”
  
• “You’re not very humble.”
  
• “Your brother, Kirk Cameron, is a better Christian than you.”
  
• “You need Jesus more than ever.”
  
• “You’re too worldly.”
  
• “You’re not modest enough.”
  
• “You’re such a disappointment as a Christian.”
  
• “You’re a show-off.”
  
• “We used to look up to you, now you’re just like the rest of Hollywood.”
  

That’s a sneak peek at the kind of comments that found their way onto my computer screen. I had already resolved to stop worrying about what other people thought about me and my Christian walk and to live my faith on my own, between me and God, but that didn’t keep me from being saddened by the culture of criticism and conflict that develops so easily online, particularly from other Christians.

I’m no stranger to criticism. It’s a nasty side effect of being a celebrity (and a human being, right?). Over the years, I’ve had to train myself not to be defensive or reactionary. I’ve grown a thick skin and figured out how to “Shake It Off” in the words of Taylor Swift.

Instead of defending myself against every critique, I’ve learned to race toward Psalm 91:1–4.

The one who lives under the protection of the
Most High
dwells in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the L
ord
, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
He Himself will deliver you from the hunter’s net,
from the destructive plague.
He will cover you with His feathers;
you will take refuge under His wings.
His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

God is my refuge! His presence is my safe place to run when I am under attack. Having the right words at the right time can’t always shield me from criticism. Neither can trying to live like other people want me to. Remember? That’s a snare, not a safety net!

This passage says that God will deliver me from the hunter’s net. This passage is describing someone who is especially good at laying traps. I’ve certainly encountered a few hunters online! But God is able to defend me. I don’t have to work to avoid the trap all on my own. He can also protect me against “the destructive plague,” those attacks that come all at once. That’s a pretty good description of the heat I took for some of the choices I made on the show.

Looking back I can see that part of the reason that Melissa fought so hard to keep me out of that Ariel costume was that she was being defensive
for
me. She was trying to shield me from the potential onslaught of others’ criticism she figured was coming. As my big sister, she wanted to protect me. But ultimately, she couldn’t. God had to be my defender.

Maybe you will never face thousands of critics who are mad at you for a costume choice. Maybe no one will ever blog about whether or not your clothes match what you claim to believe, but the lessons of Psalm 91 still apply to you. You will face criticism. You will have people in your world who don’t affirm you in the way you want to be affirmed. You will be misunderstood. Then what?

You can run around trying to counteract every negative comment or opinion, but you will probably just end up exhausted from all the effort required and there’s no guarantee that the naysayers will ever see it your way. A better alternative is to seek refuge under the mighty wings of the Lord. To remind yourself often that He is faithful and to hold that faithfulness up as a shield. When God’s got your back, you are free to respond to even your harshest critics with grace. You can choose to hold your chin high and reject the temptation to wallow in self-pity or defensiveness.

Even though dealing with the onslaught of public criticism wasn’t easy and it’s something I continually deal with every day, I wouldn’t trade that part of my experience for anything. I look back on this stage of the competition and see that I came out on top on so many different levels. Sure, Mark and I earned some great scores from the judges and I found my inner Disney princess! But more important, I found the confidence in myself to make good decisions, something my track record had already proven each week in the competition and throughout my life. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it weren’t. And I learned that I don’t want to be a better, but fake version of myself. I’d never want to lose the elements of compassion, love, and understanding and I always want to be teachable and moldable, but this was a watershed moment for me. I decided that I’d rather be the best Christian with all my flaws and be true to my walk than to live my life so that other people will feel like I’m making the right choices. I found the strength to stand with conviction.

Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot

These are important principles to learn for standing with conviction in the face of criticism. But what about when we are the ones dishing out the critiques? C’mon, girls! I’m not the only one who occasionally watches the choices others are making and thinks,
What were you thinking?
Am I?

There’s just something about the Internet that seems to weaken our filter toward what we feel the freedom to say to each other. In reflecting on my experience in dealing with public scrutiny, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to point all of us (me included!) to God’s Word for some ground rules for how we treat each other online.

So, before you hit that little button to publish a comment or tweet or take the time to write a blog or share your opinions on someone’s Facebook wall, here are three big ideas to keep in mind.

Big Idea #1: Only Build Up

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (
esv
).

This verse says we should only say what builds others up. Sometimes it seems like we get this totally backward online—only speaking up when we have something negative to say. Before you respond online, train yourself to ask this question, “Does what I am about to say give grace to those who will read it?”

But what if someone really needs to be called out as a Christian? “I’m not judging them,” you say, “I’m helping them see that their decisions don’t line up with the Bible.” See Big Idea #2.

Big Idea #2: Go One-on-One First

Matthew 18:15 gives us our marching orders for how we should treat each other, in person and online. It says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (
esv
).

As Christians, when we see fault in the lives of other believers, the Bible urges us to approach them one-on-one. We aren’t supposed to use public forums to address private grievances. When we do so, we inevitably pull others into the fray. Some people even beg to private message me . . . if only they had private access to me. But the point is, you don’t! Private messages are reserved for people who I have personal relationships and friendships with in my life.

In regards to the heat I take online, people often say, “Oh Candace, just delete them and block the haters” or, “Don’t let them get to you. Brush it off.” But it’s not that simple. By the time I decide to get involved (or not to get involved), the comments have been made and read. The bickering back and forth defending me or opposing me has ensued and my Facebook page looks like a war zone. All I see is a bunch of religious people throwing around Bible verses and attacking each other and a bunch of other people saying Christians aren’t supposed to judge, citing “Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged” (Matt. 7:1), which in my opinion is one of the most grossly misused passages used to counteract online arguments and ultimately leaving a bunch of nonreligious people wondering why in the world they would ever want to be a part of Christianity.

The truth is when we duke it out in a public forum, there is often collateral damage. Committing to always dealing with conflict one-on-one first will limit whose life we have the right to speak in to.
You have to have personal access to someone in order to approach them on this level.
More than likely this means that the Web isn’t the right place to express criticism whether they are a public figure or not.

Big Idea #3: Use Careful, Not Careless Words

The Internet may have removed our inhibitions when it comes to what we say (or type), but it doesn’t change God’s standards.

In Matthew 12:36 Jesus speaks these bold words: “I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for
every careless word they speak”
(emphasis mine).

One day I’m going to have to own up to every comment I fired off in anger and every passive-aggressive tweet I’ve sent. So will you. With that in mind, we are wise to be careful, not careless, with the way we talk to each other online.

Avoiding the Snare

I wish there was a forever cure for fear of man. If I could bottle the fearlessness and confidence I felt after making the choices that were right for me during Disney week, I would have! I could use a dose of that daily. But the lessons I learned that week have stuck with me.

• Yes, there is wisdom in an abundance of wise counselors, but ultimately my convictions are best formed between me and God.
  
• I must boldly live my life to please Him and not for the fickle applause of man.
  
• Fear of man is a trap. If I live my life afraid of what someone might think or say about me, I will trade in my freedom in Christ for the chains of fear, doubt, worry, resentment, and self-pity.
  
• Sometimes you have to turn down the voices in order to hear the still, small voice of God.
  
• God is my defender! I don’t have to defend myself.
  
• I need to be intentional to make sure that my words build up others. I also need to commit to handle conflict in ways that are personal and graceful and make sure my words are carefully chosen, not carelessly dished out.
  

Off the
DWTS
stage and away from the glaring spotlight, I am resolved that I won’t ever stop being the real me to be an illusion of a better but fake Christian version of myself. I don’t want to be the poster child for perfection; I want to be a neon sign that points to Jesus. In the days to come, I am likely to disappoint my critics again—that may include some of the readers of this book. But please look to Jesus and only Jesus for perfection. You certainly won’t find it in me, and I promise you won’t find it in others either. But here’s what we can do while we fix our eyes on Jesus . . . we can encourage one another. We can build each other up. We can choose our words wisely to share the truth in love, and we can make a pact to be gracious to others, including those we only know through our computer screens.

After all, “The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the L
ord
is protected” (Prov. 29:25).