Daddy's Prisoner (30 page)

I’d seen her just once since her collapse more than a year before and being apart from her had made me realise Mum would never leave Dad on her own. But I hoped it might help her if The Idiot was charged with a crime and everything was dragged into the open. I was scared, of course, about what Mum might feel but also wondered if it would be what she needed to finally break free. Dad had stolen so much from both of us and, when I felt weak, the thought of Mum helped me keep going with the police complaint. I had to try to save her.

The months passed and the investigation continued. Patrick hoped my allegations might be proved by DNA evidence and had enquired about exhuming Jonathan’s body. But he’d been told it would be impossible because my son had been buried in a public plot near the hospital with other stillborn babies. It made me so sad to discover that and remember I hadn’t even been allowed to say goodbye to Jonathan.

That was the part of the investigation I found most difficult and it upset me greatly to think about losing Jonathan and Caitlin again. I didn’t want them to be disturbed after all this time. But Patrick had to investigate every possible avenue and I accepted it was what he would have to do if I wanted The Idiot to be charged.

Caitlin had been cremated but Patrick told me he hoped tissue samples kept during her post-mortem and suspended in paraffin blocks for all these years might give him what he needed for the investigation. In January 2005, nine months after I went to the police, small pieces of the samples were sent to a forensics laboratory for the DNA to be extracted. In the same month, Dad was held as a suspect and DNA samples were taken from him.

All I could do was wait and the weeks slid by as I wondered what was going to happen. It was early May when the phone finally rang. It was Patrick.

‘I have some important news,’ he said.

I held my breath.

‘The DNA tests have shown that your father was Caitlin’s biological father. They prove your story, Alice.’

‘Really?’ I whispered.

I’d always known the tests would prove Caitlin’s paternity but it was still a shock to hear it. The words hit me when Patrick said them. Finally, the world would know what The Idiot had done, the sickness at the heart of him, the lives he’d ruined. There was no way now he could escape being punished.

‘So what happens now?’ I asked.

‘We’re going to charge your father with incest.’

I’d known all along that The Idiot would have laughed at the police even when he was getting arrested and his DNA sample was being taken. But now he was going to be charged, I was sure even he couldn’t think it was still a joke. The thought terrified me all over again and I started looking over my shoulder as I worried that somehow he’d try to hurt Emma and Lily. I knew he didn’t have a shred of conscience about hurting me and feared he’d do anything to get back at me through the girls or Mum now he knew that I had finally told our secrets.

I took comfort from the fact that he’d be locked up in prison but was wrong to think someone charged with a crime like my father’s would be held before his trial. He was set free after being charged because Patrick told me the crimes related to events so many years ago that The Idiot wasn’t considered a possible threat to the public any more. I just had to wait for the case to come to trial, which could take months because courts were busy places, lawyers had to build their cases and things moved forward very slowly. Once again, all I could do was wait and the thought of Dad being out there somewhere terrified me. I heard rumours that he was threatening to do something – whispers that he was planning to snatch Emma from school and take her away. Part of me knew it was another empty threat but I was also scared he’d been pushed over the edge and started taking Emma all the way into the school building instead of leaving her at the gate and refusing to let her and Lily outside to play. I did not want to suffocate the girls but it was hard not to because I knew of all the dangers that could be waiting for them.

Patrick told me The Idiot was stunned when he was charged and denied everything. It was like torture. I just wanted the case to get to court and felt more and more petrified. Dad being charged hadn’t helped the situation with Steven and I feared I might lose what little strength I had left if something did not happen soon. I was on the edge all the time and there just didn’t seem to be a way back for Steven and me now – a wedge had been driven between us by my past.

‘I suppose you’re going to drop the charges now and let him get away with it?’ he’d yell when I told him how scared I was that Dad might try to do something.

‘No!’ I’d cry. ‘I’ve come this far. I’m not going to give up now.’

But inside I wondered if I should. The thought of getting up in court and facing Dad was almost more than I could bear. I kept imagining it over and over again: him staring at me as I gave evidence; the sneer on his face as I told the world about what he’d done. I’d heard enough whispers from his relatives to know he was still insisting that I was a lying bastard. I’d been stupid to think he might finally realise the law was catching up with him – he was so arrogant that he’d never do the decent thing and admit his guilt. The Idiot didn’t care and believed he’d get away with it if he lied enough – just as he had done all those years before when the kids were taken.

I saw him once just after he was charged. I hadn’t seen Mum for months and was desperate to because I knew her health was even worse. I had to risk trying to see her when I heard she’d been admitted to hospital again. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost her.

I went to the hospital and felt sick to my stomach as I walked on to the ward. I could see Michael, Simon and Sam by the bed and Dad, just as he always was, like a spider waiting in the shadows. Two of his relatives were also there.

‘What are you doing here, you little slag?’ one screamed as soon as they saw me. ‘You’re not fucking welcome, you lying bitch.’

People stared as I walked towards Mum. I knew I had to look brave even if I didn’t feel it. Michael was here. He’d look after me. The Idiot’s eyes bored into me as I went up to the bed.

‘Hi, Mum,’ I said as I held out a photo of the girls.

She hadn’t seen them in a long time.

‘They’re getting big, aren’t they?’ she said as she looked at the picture and smiled.

‘Yes. I’ll leave it for you so you can have a better look later.’

Mum’s eyes were lifeless and her skin pale. She looked so sick. Her heart and weight problems were getting too much for her. I laid the photo on the cabinet beside her bed and she reached out to pick it up.

‘Give it back,’ The Idiot spat.

His words jolted through me but he didn’t turn his eyes to look at me. He just stared at Mum as if I wasn’t there until she held out the photo in her hand. I could see she was scared.

‘It’s only a picture,’ I cried, feeling tears welling up inside, but The Idiot just ignored me as I spoke.

There was no point in staying. I’d given Mum what I wanted to and couldn’t stand being there with him watching. But as I bent down to give her a kiss goodbye, she whispered in my ear: ‘Don’t go.’ Michael, Simon, Sam and I left the ward and I found a family room to hide in. I couldn’t go without seeing Mum again and waited until visiting hours were over and I knew Dad had gone. I felt weak and shaky from just being in the same place as him.

‘How have you been?’ Mum asked as I sat down beside her.

‘Not so good.’

I knew I had to stop myself from crying. I must be strong and show her that I had done the right thing by going to the police. Then maybe she’d see it could all end for her too. The truth was finally coming out now.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Mum asked.

‘Because I have to. I’ll never be free otherwise.’

I knew Mum was too weak to say any more. She didn’t have the strength to find the words to start speaking about the court case because it would mean talking about what we’d never admitted to each other. I didn’t try to push her and Mum didn’t say any more about the police investigation as we chatted for a few minutes before a nurse came to check on her and I had to leave. I understood why Mum didn’t ask more about Dad: it had taken me years to break free and start talking about it. In time we might talk but not now.

All I could hope was that Dad would be jailed and Mum could finally begin to see life without him. I would show her that she deserved some happiness as soon as he was locked away. I just had to keep my faith that it would finally be over when Dad was brought into court. The DNA evidence proved he was Caitlin’s father and surely even he wasn’t stupid enough to think he could argue himself out of that?

But, of course, my father tried to escape the law once he finally realised it was turning against him. Before a trial, there are various hearings to deal with different legal matters and one was set for summer 2005. But Patrick phoned to say Dad had not attended. He’d disappeared with Mum and no one knew where he was – or if they did they were hiding him. The Idiot would do anything he could to avoid being made to pay – even if it meant going on the run from the law. But it meant I knew one important thing now: finally he was the one who was scared.

Steven sat down beside me.

‘We’re doing the right thing, aren’t we?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘I think we are.’

The atmosphere was strained between us as we discussed our separation. We’d both finally accepted the mistakes we’d made would never be mended and had agreed that for everyone’s sake we would soon start living apart. We had been married for six-and-a-half years and all the hopes we’d both had were finally gone.

‘I’ve tried so hard to make a go of things but I can’t do it alone,’ I told Steven. ‘I stopped seeing Mum and concentrated on you and the girls but it hasn’t made a difference. It’s all gone too far.’

It was December 2005 and Steven and I had decided that he would move out once we’d had Christmas with Emma and Lily. I felt sad but had finally accepted that we would never make things work. However much of a failure I felt, I knew it was not doing the girls any good to live in such an unhappy house. I wanted to give them a more solid base to build on – even if it meant doing it alone. Steven would live nearby and see them regularly while I’d stay in our flat with Emma and Lily. I wished he’d say sorry or admit that it wasn’t all my fault but Steven still blamed my family for everything that had gone wrong.

‘I’ll start packing my things,’ he said as he got up to walk away from me.

We made the decision very calmly and I was pleased we could do one thing right after all the years of arguing. But the situation took a turn for the worse just before Christmas when Steven discovered I’d made a friend whom I could talk to. I’d met a man called Nick through one of the mums at Emma’s school and, although there was nothing between us but friendship, I’d poured out my troubles to him – the police case, the situation with Steven and the worries I had about whether I was doing the right thing. It seemed like years since I’d had anyone who actually listened to me and Nick let me talk as much as I wanted to as we chatted on the phone. Being in a bad relationship was very lonely. Suddenly there was someone to talk to who at least tried to understand what I was going through and I took comfort from that.

But my friendship with Nick caused a lot of bad feeling with Steven and his family when they found out about it and accused me of having an affair. Although I knew Nick and I had done nothing wrong, it upset me a great deal because I’d once been close to Joan and Donna and they’d supported me through the long police investigation. Now everyone seemed so angry and, alone with the girls, I felt very down at times. Michael lived quite a distance away now so I didn’t see too much of him but we spoke regularly on the phone and my nieces Paula and Jacqueline came to visit. My cousin Sam also kept an eye on me and it was good to have him and my other cousins around because it made me feel safer.

I carried on seeing Nick as a friend once Steven had moved out and a couple of months later things went further with him. Weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. I was in such a mess that I’d taken a chance with Nick and couldn’t believe I was having another baby when I’d just become a single mum. How would I cope with another child? I’d been so stupid to let this happen. But after thinking long and hard about whether to carry on with the pregnancy, I knew I had to. The miscarriages I’d had in the past still deeply affected me and there was no way I could intentionally stop a life growing inside me. Besides, it wasn’t the baby’s fault and I wanted to keep it however difficult a time it was for me.

I knew what I wanted to do but also felt there was no way I could jump into another full-time relationship. I wanted to carry on seeing Nick if that was what he wanted too but I was going to take the baby home alone when I had it. I still felt so hurt by all that had happened with Steven. I’d believed in him and our marriage so strongly and I’d failed. I wasn’t ready to commit to someone else again and be hurt but I knew my baby deserved to know its dad and Nick was a good man. I told him how I felt and let the girls know they were soon going to have a little brother or sister.

At night, I’d lie in bed wondering how on earth it would all end. I was pregnant, alone and my father was out there somewhere laughing at me and the law – just as he’d always done. I had no idea where he was but sometimes I felt sure I could feel him watching me as coldness crept down my spine and I whirled around to an empty room. It was just my mind playing tricks, of course, but it felt more real to me the longer time dragged on and I waited for the police to finally catch up with him.