Daddy's Prisoner (26 page)

‘There’s an improvement,’ he’d sneer as Mum and I cowered in a corner.

I felt so afraid even when I woke up and pushed Steven away as he tried to comfort me. I didn’t want to tell him about my dreams or let my old life spill into the new. I wanted to try to keep them apart, not let one contaminate the other. But ever since I’d left home, I’d had these dreams and now they were getting worse. I was going to have our baby soon and kept telling myself that things would change when I did. It would be a new life and I’d be happy. I knew I would be because I could still remember how I’d felt about Caitlin. If only the dreams would go away.

‘Alice?’

Steven was standing in the door as I sat holding Caitlin’s picture with tears running down my face.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

I could not speak. He walked towards me.

‘I know you miss her but we’ve got a new life now,’ Steven said. ‘Caitlin’s looking down on her new baby brother or sister about to be born.’

I stared at him as my secrets tore up inside me. I couldn’t bear it any more. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I wanted to tell him that The Idiot was still ruining my life even though I’d escaped him.

‘Are you coming back to bed?’ Steven asked.

I had to do it. I had to tell him now. I couldn’t keep silent any more. But how would he ever understand? Steven was just a young man. He came from a decent family and had never seen the things I had. I wanted him to look at me as he always had done. In his eyes I was Alice, his Alice. But if I told him, I was scared he’d never see me in the same way again. He’d think I was damaged goods, just as Dad had always said men would. Steven didn’t have a clue about a life like mine. No one did. I’d never told anyone my secrets about Jonathan and Caitlin, the babies I’d been forced to carry.

‘What’s the matter, Alice?’ Steven asked. ‘Please tell me what’s wrong. I know something’s not right.’

‘Caitlin was such a beautiful baby,’ I whispered.

‘I know, Alice, and soon we’ll have our own but you’ll never forget her.’

I stared at the picture.

‘She was so beautiful considering what she was born into.’

Steven walked towards me.

‘What do you mean? What was Caitlin born into?’

He’d been asking me more and more about The Idiot lately and why I wasn’t allowed to see Mum. I knew he could sense that something was terribly wrong even though he didn’t know what it was.

‘She couldn’t help who her dad was,’ I said softly.

‘What are you saying, Alice? Who was Caitlin’s dad?’

I took a deep breath. I had to speak out. I had to say the words I’d kept inside for so many years.

‘My father,’ I whispered.

Steven’s face clouded over as he struggled to understand what I meant.

‘My father hurt me,’ I sobbed. ‘I was eleven when it started. I was just a girl. He made me do it otherwise he’d hurt Mum and my brothers and sisters.’

‘You mean he touched you?’

‘Yes.’

‘But you were a child then. You had Caitlin when you were twenty-six.’

‘I know.’

Steven said nothing. Then suddenly I saw rage burn into his eyes as my words sunk in.

‘Please don’t be angry with me,’ I pleaded. ‘I wasn’t sure I should tell you.’

‘Of course you should!’ he shouted. ‘But why didn’t you before? Why did it take you this long? That fucking bastard.’

‘I’ve never told anyone,’ I sobbed.

‘But why not? Why didn’t you ask for help?’

I looked up at Steven.

‘Because he told me he’d kill me if I did and he had the guns and knives to do it. I’m so sorry, Steven. But I couldn’t keep any more secrets with the baby coming.’

I felt sick inside. I’d finally told someone the truth. What The Idiot had done was no longer a secret shared by just him and me.

‘Tell me you don’t hate me,’ I cried as Steven sat next to me. ‘Please say you still want me and the baby.’

‘Of course I do, Alice. I hate him and what he did to you but nothing can break us up now.’

I held on to Steven as tightly as I could and sobbed. I couldn’t believe I had told someone the truth at last. All I could hope now was that the dreams would finally be over.

‘It’s a girl,’ the midwife said, and I grabbed Steven’s hand.

For a few awful seconds, the room was quiet and I thought of Jonathan and Caitlin and how silent they’d been. But then there was a wail and my daughter was lifted on to my chest for the first time.

‘She’s beautiful,’ Steven exclaimed, and I stared at my baby, hardly daring to believe she was real.

Emma was born by caesarean in spring 1999 and she was a chubby baby with a puff of hair. Steven looked fit to burst as I passed her to him and a smile stretched across his face. I saw pure love in his eyes as I watched him.

I couldn’t wait to get home and was glad when I was discharged three days later and we climbed into a taxi carrying Emma in a car seat. As the doors closed, it suddenly felt strange to be leaving the safety of the hospital. From now on this tiny baby would be ours to feed and clothe, love and keep safe. But then Steven looked at me, we looked down at Emma and I knew everything would be all right.

I soon got into a routine with the baby. Steven was out all day at work so I’d feed and change her, take her for walks and go to see friends. Emma was amazing, intoxicating almost, and I breathed in her smell every chance I got. It was so pure and clean that I couldn’t get enough of it. I also couldn’t stop cuddling her and, even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to, I let her fall asleep on me because I couldn’t resist the feeling of having her tiny body resting softly against mine.

My favourite times were just after Emma was born when the world seemed to close in on us and everything was quiet. She would fall asleep on me as Steven sat next to us and it felt as if we were in a bubble nothing could ever break into. The only time I drew the line and got bossy was when Steven wanted Emma in bed to sleep with us.

‘No!’ I exclaimed. ‘What if I roll on her and hurt her? We can have a cuddle but then she’s to go into her cot.’

She was such a hungry baby and I loved breastfeeding, something I’d never been able to do with Caitlin. I often thought about her as the weeks turned into months and Emma grew. It was only now that I realised just how different Caitlin had been to other babies as I learned something new every day with Emma: her first smile or being able to hold her head up, rolling over or gurgling at me.

A few weeks after we got home, Mum phoned to say she wanted to see Emma. I agreed to let her visit because it would mean so much to her, even though I knew she’d have to bring The Idiot. I didn’t want to have Dad in my home but would allow it for her sake. I owed Mum that much and because I hoped that some day The Idiot might let me see her more regularly, I couldn’t cross him. Mum and Dad were a package and I had to put up with him to see her.

Not everyone felt the same way though. After I’d confessed about the past to Steven, he’d wanted me to go to the police and even though I’d eventually convinced him my silence was the best thing for us all, I knew he was unhappy. My brother Simon, who was still staying with us, hadn’t laid eyes on Dad since the day he was driven out of home years ago and couldn’t stop himself flying at The Idiot when he walked into the flat with Mum. Grabbing Dad by the throat, Simon pinned him to the wall as years of pain and anger exploded inside him.

‘I’m going to kill you,’ he screamed.

Simon’s face was wild, his eyes burning as he strangled Dad. The Idiot tried to push Simon away but he was too strong for him now. The little boy he’d beaten and cursed was a man and The Idiot’s eyes were wide as he struggled. I rushed towards the two men. It was just as it had been when we were children but this time it was Dad’s turn to be bullied and, however much I didn’t want to rescue him, I couldn’t allow Simon to do this in my home with Emma nearby.

‘Go on then, you little bastard,’ The Idiot howled. ‘You haven’t got the fucking bottle.’

My brother’s mouth twisted in pain as he stared at The Idiot.

‘No, Simon!’ I shouted. ‘Not here. This is my home.’

My brother looked at me and I saw his hands fall from around Dad’s throat. Without a word, he stepped back and walked away.

‘We’re going,’ The Idiot snarled. ‘Now!’

Mum left without seeing Emma and phoned to say Dad wouldn’t bring her back as long as Simon was staying with me. I knew I would have to take the baby to see Mum however much I hated going back to the flat. Now I had a home of my own, I could finally see how squalid and filthy it really was and there was no way I was going to risk Emma picking up anything in the mess so I refused to get her out of the car seat while we were there and just passed her quickly to Mum for a cuddle before putting her back safely under her blanket.

The Idiot looked angry the whole time I was there and I was glad to leave because I still felt scared being anywhere near him. But I was also happy that Mum had seen her granddaughter because I knew it meant a lot to her. After that day, I started to visit every now and again and it was as if an uneasy truce sprung up between The Idiot and me: we did not speak or look at each other and I made sure there was always someone with us in the room. Just as we had done for so many years, my family did not mention the past or the fact that I had run away. The present closed over whatever had gone before and people accepted things because it was easier than asking questions.

Steven, though, struggled to understand how I could even go near Dad.

‘He’s an animal,’ he’d say. ‘He should be locked up for what he did.’

I tried my best to explain that if I didn’t put up with Dad then I’d never see Mum again and, if I suddenly stopped seeing her, Michael would start asking questions and I didn’t want to risk having the past raked up once more. I wanted it left where it was, behind me, and didn’t even discuss it with Steven after the night I told him.

But sometimes he’d look at me in confusion and start asking questions I didn’t want to answer. I was happy now and didn’t want to ruin things with terrible memories. I knew it was hard for him to understand because he hadn’t had a life like mine but in the end Steven agreed to let me visit Mum as long as I didn’t go too often. I promised him that Dad would never touch a hair on Emma’s head. For all those years when I was his prisoner, I’d been isolated and weak but now I had friends and family – a whole network of people who would make The Idiot pay if he touched my daughter and he knew that. I might have kept quiet about what Dad had done to me but it didn’t need to be said that I’d scream it from the rooftops if he hurt Emma.

I also think Steven accepted my visits because, however much he didn’t like them, he knew Mum and I were joined by a bond that nothing could rip apart. I had a new life now but could never forget her. Even all those years on from losing the kids to social services, I still felt guilty about what it had done to Mum and the part I’d played. I was also sure I’d be punished if I let her down again – just as I had been when I’d failed Jonathan and Caitlin.

As I watched Emma grow and flourish, I’d never felt happier. I was in control of my life, things were good and Steven seemed as happy as I was. Even so, I had no idea just how much life was going to change one night as we sat on the sofa watching TV. Emma was a couple of months old and Steven had been a bit distracted for a few days but I hadn’t asked him about it because I knew he’d tell me when he was ready. Maybe being a dad was scaring him a little. It shouldn’t have done, though. He was great with Emma and helped out as much as possible when he came home from work.

But on this night he just couldn’t get settled – getting up and leaving the room before coming back in, sitting down again and starting to fidget next to me. Then he’d stare at me and take a deep breath before turning away.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.

‘I just need the toilet.’

‘Well go then!’ I said with a laugh.

He went out again, came back two minutes later and sat down.

‘Shall I make us a cup of tea?’ I asked, and started to get up off the sofa.

‘Don’t go!’ Steven exclaimed.

I watched in shock as he jumped off the couch and knelt on the floor.

‘What are you doing?’ I gasped.

‘There’s something I want to ask.’

I couldn’t speak as he dug into his jeans pocket and pulled out a box. Opening it, he showed me a ring with a tiny stone in it.

‘Will you marry me, Alice?’ Steven asked. ‘I love you and Emma and I want us to be together always.’

I looked at him, hardly daring to believe this was happening.

‘Please, Alice,’ Steven said.

‘Yes,’ I whispered as I threw my arms around him.

For so long, I could never have believed I’d be this happy.

Steven and I decided that we wouldn’t have a big wedding. We wanted to get married as soon as possible with no fuss because after all the years of being hidden away, I still didn’t like being around lots of people and knew I wouldn’t enjoy a big reception. Besides, we didn’t have enough money for more than a few sausage rolls so a small wedding would suit us. I was happy for it to be Steven, Emma and my cousin Sam, who was going to be the best man. The only other person I wanted there was Mum, whom I’d asked to be my matron of honour.