Daddy's Prisoner (23 page)

‘You silly cow,’ The Idiot screamed. ‘You fat, useless slag. Can’t have a baby, can’t keep a baby, can’t do anything but sit there like a lump.’

I just sat and waited. I knew that he’d snap eventually and for two long weeks I ignored him. I wouldn’t speak to him or look at him or do anything he told me. Day after day The Idiot screamed and shouted but I didn’t budge. I didn’t care any more, I wanted him to pick up one of his knives and stab it into me, grab one of the guns and shoot me dead.

‘This is fucking ridiculous,’ he screamed one day when he got back from going to the shops with Mum to find me sitting in the same spot they’d left me in. ‘It’s going to stop, do you hear?’

His hand smashed into the side of my head.

‘It’s time you bucked up your ideas because otherwise I’ll lock you up good and proper. There won’t be any trips to the shops or TV. You’ll be in that bedroom of yours for good. You won’t move, breathe or sleep without my say-so.’

I got up silently and went into the bathroom. Sliding the lock across the door, I sat down on the toilet and stared into space. When was it going to end? When was he finally going to finish me?

‘Alice!’ he yelled outside the door. ‘What are you doing in there?’

The door handle turned and I heard a shout.

‘Open this door now,’ he screamed.

I did nothing as he started kicking the door.

‘Open up,’ he shouted. ‘Now!’

His foot repeatedly smashed into the door, kick after kick as he tried to break it down. I knew he’d be wild now; his hands would be itching to close around my throat. Dad howled with anger as his leg smashed into the door.

‘Open up,’ he shouted. ‘Or I’ll fucking kill you.’

The door gave way with a bang and I looked up. Dad stood in front of me, naked from the waist down and wearing nothing but an old grey T-shirt. He roared as he lunged at me and slapped me on the cheek.

‘I’m going to fucking kill you if you don’t buck up.’

I raised my head and looked at Dad for the first time in days.

Do it.

Kill me now.

Finish me off.

Let me be with Caitlin.

But as he stared at me, I saw something in his eyes that I’d never seen before – weakness and confusion. He knew what I was trying to do and he wasn’t going to let me. He was too scared. He was never going to kill me. I’d never be with Caitlin because he was too much of a coward to make good his threats.

I had to escape.

I couldn’t wait for Mum any more. Dad was never going to kill me like he’d threatened to all these years. He was a bully, sadist and torturer but now I knew he was a coward too. I’d seen that and could never forget it. He’d never put me out of my misery. He’d keep me here for ever and I’d be alive in hell for the rest of my life.

Terror filled me as I got out of bed the next morning. I knew I had to leave soon or I would never find the courage again. I thought of Caitlin, the life she’d shown me, the life I might be able to have if only I got away from him. I’d packed a shopping trolley with a couple of pairs of jogging bottoms, a T-shirt and Caitlin’s pictures. It was all I had to take with me apart from Michael’s phone number which was stuffed in one of my socks. I’d got it the night before when I’d crept into the living room when Mum and Dad were asleep. I knew Mum had a book with phone numbers written in it and wanted to find Michael’s. I’d never had his number but needed it because he was the only person who’d help me.

Holding my breath, I’d walked into the living room. We’d moved again and my new bedroom didn’t open straight into the lounge like the last place. I had to get through two doors to get to the living room and I prayed they wouldn’t squeak as I pulled them. It was almost pitch dark but I could make out the shapes of Mum and Dad lying on the bed. Someone was breathing heavily as I walked towards the sideboard near the door and felt around in the dark for the book. I found it and picked it up before turning around.

But just as I started creeping back to my room, a shape shifted in the bed and the breathing stopped. I stood still and felt my legs shake beneath me. I was sure my heart was beating so loud it had woken someone up. It crashed in my ears as I waited for what seemed like for ever. When the snoring started again, I tiptoed back to my room where I copied down Michael’s number on a piece of paper before getting back into bed.

Now my head raced as I got dressed and walked into the living room. I was ready but had no idea how I was going to get out of the flat. Dad kept the key with him at all times and only gave it to Mum and me if we had to go out. But the moment we got back, he’d shout for it and make sure we locked ourselves in again.

The Idiot was lying watching TV and Mum was sitting beside him as usual when I walked into the living room with a cup of tea. I drank it silently before standing up.

‘I’ll go and get your money then,’ I said to him.

It was benefits day and I knew he’d want his cash as soon as possible.

‘You’re going out early,’ he said. ‘That’s more like it.’

Mum unlocked the front door for me and I walked outside. There was no way I could run now because I had no money and couldn’t leave the only things I had left of Caitlin. I felt so afraid. Being outside only reminded me of how big the world was, how endless it seemed. Would I be able to survive in it alone? I’d never had a job or lived a normal life. I’d been told what to eat, when to go to bed, when to speak and sleep. Fighting down panic, I walked to the post office and got Dad’s money. I knew I couldn’t take any because it would be stealing and I couldn’t give him any ammunition to get help from the police to come after me. But tomorrow I’d have to go out and collect my own benefits. Maybe then I could take some money and run.

Mum let me in but turned towards the bathroom as I got over the threshold. Usually she locked up after me but today she was desperate for the toilet so I shut the door behind me. I walked into the living room as the phone rang and The Idiot picked it up. He didn’t look at me as he talked to someone and I threw all his money on the bed except a twenty-pound note which I need to pay a bill. As soon as he’d checked everything was there, he’d send me back out again. He always had to make sure I hadn’t kept a penny before sending me off to do errands.

Then suddenly I realised. The door was still unlocked. I had twenty pounds. This was my chance to escape. I had to do it now. In a blur, I walked out of the living room and pulled the door half closed before going into my bedroom to get the shopping trolley I’d packed. Tiptoeing back into the hall, I saw Mum standing waiting for me.

‘I need to go,’ I whispered. ‘I have to go now, Mum.’

I didn’t know how long I had before he stopped talking on the phone and realised something was wrong. I had to leave now. I didn’t have time to think. I knew Mum wouldn’t come with me. I’d asked a thousand times and she’d never agreed. She wouldn’t do it now. She’d never leave him.

‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I have to.’

‘I know,’ she said softly.

Mum started crying as I stared at her and for a moment I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave. But then I remembered Caitlin. The life she’d shown me. The life I might still be able to have.

‘I love you, Mum,’ I said as I kissed her.

‘I love you back,’ she replied softly.

With a shaking hand, I opened the door and stepped outside. For a moment, I wanted to turn back. How would I ever do this? Be alone, without Mum and the only home I’d ever known. I forced myself to put one foot in front of another as I started walking down the road. I knew Mum would be watching me but I couldn’t look back. I might run back to her if I did.

The skin on the back of my neck crawled as I walked down the road away from my prison. Would The Idiot see me from the window and come after me? Any minute now, I was sure I’d hear him scream my name just like he’d done for years.

I heard a shout and spun around. It was only some kids playing nearby and I hurried down the road with my head down. I knew he wouldn’t run after me – he was too lazy for that – but he might get in the car and hunt me down. Almost breathless, I ran into a phone box outside a pub. There were cards with taxi numbers stuck all over the walls. My hand trembled as I lifted the phone and called one.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Was he coming after me?

Would he find me and take me back?

The minutes dragged by as I stood waiting on the road. It seemed like for ever until a car eventually pulled up in front of me.

‘You waiting for a taxi, love?’ I heard a voice say. ‘Are you Alice?’

A man was looking at me through the open car window.

‘Yes,’ I said, and reached for the door.

‘Where to?’ the man asked as I got into the car.

‘The station.’

‘Which one? There are loads in this city.’

‘The main one.’

I didn’t know where it was and I’d never seen it. But maybe I would be able to get to Michael’s from there and The Idiot would never think to look for me in a place like that. The taxi started moving and I stared out of the windows. I was sure he’d follow me. Maybe he was just behind us in his car. He was sure to come after me. He’d never let me go.

But there was no sign of him about twenty minutes later when the taxi pulled up outside a huge building.

‘Here you are, love,’ the driver said.

I paid him and got out of the car. I’d never been in a train station before. It was so busy and full of people rushing around as I stared up at the huge boards showing train information. How would I ever find the way to Michael’s? I did not know how to get on a train or where to go. I jumped as I saw two police officers walking by. Were they looking for me? Had he told them I’d run away? I walked over to a phone box and bent down to get Michael’s phone number hidden in my sock. I pulled it out before putting some money into the slot and dialling.

‘Hello?’ a voice said.

It was my brother.

‘Hello?’ he asked again.

I couldn’t speak. Tears were running down my face. I was so scared. Why had I left Mum?

‘Alice?’ the voice said.

‘Yes,’ I gasped.

‘Where are you?’

‘At the station. I’ve run away. I’ve left him.’

‘I know,’ Michael said. ‘He’s been on the phone asking if you’ve called here and saying you’d gone.’

His voice sounded rough and angry. I almost wanted to put the phone down. Maybe Michael was angry I’d left.

‘Have you got any money?’ he said.

‘A few pounds.’

‘Well, get in a taxi to the bus station, get a cup of tea and wait for me. I’ll come and find you.’

‘Will you?’

‘Of course. Just wait and I’ll get you.’

I did as Michael said. Walking outside, I got into another taxi and asked to be taken to the bus station. It was just as busy – full of people carrying suitcases and running around. I saw the café and went in to get a cup of tea with the last of my money. If Michael didn’t find me now then I had nothing. I felt light-headed and sick as I sat down. The café felt so crowded and noisy. Smoke in the air, lights flashing on signs, people chatting and bustling around. Would Michael find me? Or would Dad get to me first? I knew I couldn’t go back now. I’d die if I did.

I felt a touch on my shoulder and whirled around. Michael was standing above me. I knew immediately that he wasn’t angry with me – just scared and relieved I was safe. I jumped up and threw my arms around him, holding on to him so tight that he could hardly breathe.

‘You’re all right now, you’re fine,’ he said as he put his arms around me.

‘But I’ve run away. He’ll take me back.’

‘No he won’t, Alice.’

‘He will. He won’t let me go.’

‘He has to. You’ve left now and I won’t let him hurt you.’

I’d never known just how big the world was: shops full of clothes to pick and choose, cinemas with screens as big as houses and parks where green grass ran into the distance. In those first few weeks after I escaped, there were so many things to discover because all I’d ever really known were the few streets around whichever flat or house we’d lived in. I didn’t have a clue about how much there was to see and do and it was almost overwhelming, as if the world had raced ahead and left me behind.

At first I kept close to Michael’s home – too scared to go far for fear The Idiot was going to come after me. I knew he was furious that I’d left and had tried to cause trouble by calling the police. When two officers turned up at Michael’s flat, I was sure they were there to take me back home. The Idiot had accused me of stealing from him but when I told them exactly what I had of his – a video card, an old rent book and some receipts – they advised me to just post them.

‘But aren’t you here to take me back?’ I asked.

‘No,’ said one of the officers, looking at me strangely. ‘You’re an adult. Free to do what you like. Any argument with your father is nothing to do with us.’

Of course, The Idiot was furious that the police had refused to do his dirty work for him and started phoning Michael to scream warnings about me: I was a slut, I’d be pregnant within a year to a junkie; I’d bring trouble to his door so Michael had better get rid of me. But even though he didn’t come round to the flat and smash in the windows or load up a gun and come looking for me, I was still terrified because you can’t wipe away years of fear in just a few days. I jumped every time the doorbell went and wanted to run when I heard the phone ring because although I was finally free, I was still waiting for The Idiot to take his revenge.