Daddy's Prisoner (20 page)

I called the baby Caitlin and it was three days before I could finally hold her because she was so small and weak. She hadn’t been breathing properly when she was born and had to have a blood transfusion. When she was transferred to intensive care, she lay in an incubator covered in wires and I said silent thanks that she had survived.

‘She’s beautiful,’ Mum said, and I looked away as The Idiot smiled.

He had what he wanted now. After all these years, he’d finally got it – another baby. I wanted to fly at him and scratch out his eyes as he leaned towards the incubator where Caitlin was lying and told me how gorgeous she was. He sounded like any other proud grandfather. But he wasn’t and we both knew it. I just wanted him to go, to leave me alone to stare at Caitlin lying so tiny in her cot. A rush of love flooded into me as she moved a little and her fingers flexed.

The doctors still didn’t know what was wrong with her. All they knew for sure was that Caitlin was weak and couldn’t feed properly so a tiny tube had been put into her nose as she lay in the incubator. I knew that she’d get stronger, though – she’d survived for a reason – and I promised to stay with her day and night. She was so tiny that she almost scared me. It had been so long since I’d looked after Charlie and Kate and now I was too scared to even touch Caitlin. She was so fragile. What if I hurt her? The nurses, though, showed me what to do and I was allowed to dress and cuddle her as I learned how to care for a baby once more.

A few days later the doctors told me I was well enough to go home but Caitlin was going to have to stay longer at the hospital because she was still being fed by a tube. I didn’t want to leave but had no choice and felt empty when I walked back into the flat. I was back in my prison while my daughter was lying in a hospital cot so far away. I could not stop thinking of Caitlin all alone. I just wanted to be with her. For a moment after the front door was locked behind me, I felt afraid as I wondered if The Idiot might not let me go back to her now I was home again. But I’d kept telling myself while I was in hospital that he couldn’t stop me and knew I had to remember that now. Caitlin needed my milk which I was going to express every few hours before taking it up to her in bottles each day.

‘You’ll be able to apply for child benefit now,’ The Idiot said on the first morning after I got home.

‘What?’ I asked.

It was the last thing on my mind. I hadn’t stopped thinking of Caitlin for a second and wanted to leave for the hospital as soon as possible.

‘You’ll be able to get a payment for her now as well as your own benefits.’

‘But I’ve got to go and see Caitlin. I haven’t got time to go down to social services.’

‘You have and I’m taking you,’ Dad snapped. ‘We’ve got to get the baby’s money sorted out.’

I knew it would be easier if I did as I was told so I sat quietly as The Idiot drove me down to the benefits office where I filled out the forms without thinking.

‘Is there anything you can give me while we wait for the money?’ I asked as I got back into the car. ‘I haven’t got anything for Caitlin. I need clothes and a pram for when she comes home.’

‘So you’re going to cost me even more now, are you?’ he snapped. ‘I’ll see if I’ve got any spare cash but it won’t be much. A baby’s not supposed to cost, you know.’

I didn’t know what he meant and didn’t care because soon my days fell into a rhythm of visiting Caitlin and willing her to grow strong. Sometimes I even spent the night with her and although The Idiot got angry, he knew there was nothing he could do to stop me. Caitlin needed me and he wanted her home as soon as possible so whenever he grumbled, I had the perfect excuse to leave the house. It was as if having her had switched a light on inside me: everything had changed because I had a job now that even The Idiot couldn’t stop me from doing. Instead of being locked in the house all day every day, I had to go out to do things.

‘Where are you off to now?’ he’d snap as I put on my coat.

‘To the shops to get Caitlin some nappies.’

‘What the fuck do you need to go out for again?’

‘Because I have to get things for the baby.’

He couldn’t stop me and I’d feel a surge of excitement as I slammed the door and stepped outside. I’d been so afraid for so long but the love I felt for Caitlin was making me stronger. Day by day, week by week, I felt a little braver. Of course, I was still scared but, as long as Caitlin was in hospital, Dad had to let me leave the house. She was my reason now to get up in the morning and live. The days which had been so grey suddenly had colour as I left the house and walked to the bus stop before the twenty-minute ride to the hospital. After getting off, I’d walk up the steep hill and feel fresh air blowing on my face. Some days it was cold, on others it was pouring with rain, but I didn’t care because I had a place to go now.

I was out in the world for the first time in years and couldn’t believe how many types of people there were. I’d never been into the city before and tried not to stare as I saw people with multicoloured tights and hair, women with pierced noses and eyebrows. The other thing I couldn’t get over was that quite a few people had mobile phones. I’d seen them on TV but knew they were very expensive. Looking around me, I’d walk up to the hospital and feel excited that soon I’d be with Caitlin in the baby unit. I felt like I had a place there – nurses knew me, other mums chatted to me, I was ‘Caitlin’s mum’. I was someone now and there was nothing The Idiot could do to stop me from being the best mother in the world.

I was standing outside the hospital having a cigarette when a woman I knew called Lisa walked up to me. Caitlin had been in hospital for a few weeks now and Lisa was one of the mums I’d got to know because her son Josh had been born with a cleft lip and palate so he needed special care too. I liked chatting to Lisa and the other mums – they almost felt like friends as we talked about our babies and how they were doing.

‘How’s Caitlin?’ Lisa asked as we stood side by side.

‘Okay,’ I replied. ‘She’s put on some weight and they’re pleased with her. How about Josh?’

‘Fine, so they say. But he just looks too tiny for them to be talking about all these operations.’

‘I know. I was scared to death when they took Caitlin out of her incubator for the first time so I could hold her. I was so sure I’d drop her.’

Lisa smiled at me before her face turned serious again.

‘I just can’t stop thinking,’ she said quietly. ‘Sometimes I look at him and wonder if it’s my fault. Was there anything I did wrong? Do you know what I mean?’

‘Yes.’

‘I just keep thinking about it, running through everything in my head but I can’t find a reason. I don’t think I did anything but I must have.’

‘I’m sure you didn’t,’ I said softly.

Lisa stubbed out her cigarette.

‘Well, I’d better get back,’ she said. ‘My daughters will be home from school at three so I haven’t got long. See you up there.’

I bowed my head as Lisa left. I knew how she felt but while I was sure there was nothing she could have done to stop Josh’s problems, I knew Caitlin was different. I’d been thinking about it more and more lately and it was the only time that my new courage failed me as I stared at her and the thoughts crowded into my head. Was it my fault she was sick? Was it because I’d let him bring her into the world that she was being punished just as Jonathan had been? I tried not to think about it as I sat beside her each day and didn’t ask the doctors too many questions because I was so scared of what the answers might be. Lately they’d started talking to me more about what was wrong with Caitlin and told me they thought it was a genetic problem.

‘We need to run some tests so we’d like some blood from you and Caitlin’s father,’ they said. ‘Do you know how to contact him?’

‘No. He’s disappeared and I can’t get in touch.’

‘So you don’t have a phone number or an address?’

‘No, nothing like that. Nothing at all.’

I gave them my blood, of course, and even asked Dad if he’d do the same but he refused.

‘Couldn’t we buy a needle and I’ll take the blood up to the hospital?’ I said desperately.

It was a stupid idea, of course, but I wanted to do anything possible to help Caitlin. Wouldn’t he do the same? I knew he couldn’t love her, he’d never loved any of us, but maybe he’d help because Caitlin was sick.

‘Don’t be so fucking stupid,’ he snarled. ‘That’s the end of it, do you hear?’

I gave up trying to persuade him and just kept telling the doctors that I had no idea where Caitlin’s father was. The guilt lay heavy as a rock in my stomach, though, just as it had all those years ago when the kids had been taken into care because of me. So many people had been hurt because of what I’d let Dad do and now I was scared my baby was also paying the price.

I told myself Caitlin would get well if I just gave her enough love. She was already getting stronger and slept in a normal cot instead of the incubator. I’d even been allowed to dress her and take her down to the hospital café in a pram a couple of times. But although I felt proud as I wheeled her in front of me, the doctors told me it would still be a while before I could take her home.

The main reason for keeping her in hospital was because of her feeding problems and I had to learn how to tube-feed Caitlin because she couldn’t suck a bottle. The nurses had been teaching me how to feed her by threading down her nose a tiny tube which ran into her stomach. It was hard because Caitlin had such a tiny nose and the tube seemed so big as I gently inserted it. When it was done, I had to make sure there was no air in the tube and do a special test to check it had gone into her stomach. Then I’d slowly pour milk from a bottle into the syringe attached to the tube and feed her until she’d had enough.

I wondered if I’d ever be able to do it right and worried Caitlin would never be well enough to come home. I just wanted her with me and Mum felt the same as I did. She came to visit Caitlin whenever Dad would drive her up to the hospital and on the days when she couldn’t, she’d ask me questions about what had happened when I got home.

‘How was she? Did she have colour in her cheeks?’ she’d ask as I sat down.

The Idiot got annoyed as we talked but I wondered if a little of my courage had rubbed off on Mum because she’d chat until he gave her one dirty look too many and she went quiet again. I enjoyed it, though, when we talked about what Caitlin was doing, how pale her skin was, how tiny her feet were. That was what we were doing one day as we sat alone together by Caitlin’s cot, when the doctors arrived to ask about the baby’s father again.

‘I haven’t got any news,’ I said. ‘I just can’t get hold of him. He’s disappeared.’

‘But are you sure, Miss Lawrence? It’s very important. It will be very hard for us to diagnose Caitlin properly if we don’t have her father’s co-operation.’

‘There’s nothing I can do,’ I insisted, feeling the old fear turning in my stomach. ‘I’ve told you again and again that I don’t know where he is.’

Mum looked at me questioningly when the doctors left.

‘Do you really not know, Alice? Is there nothing you can tell them?’

‘No,’ I said crossly. ‘Stop asking me questions. I’ve had enough from the doctors.’

Mum didn’t say any more until we were sitting on the bus home and she turned to me.

‘Caitlin looked well today, didn’t she?’ she said. ‘I’m sure she’s growing.’

‘Yes. I just wish they’d let her come home. It shouldn’t be too long now.’

‘It will be good to have a baby in the house again.’

‘I know. I hate leaving her. I can’t wait for her to be with us all the time.’

My heart ached as I thought of Caitlin back at the hospital. Every time I left her was painful because it didn’t feel right leaving her there with strangers when she had a home to go to with me. Mum and I fell silent for a moment before she spoke again.

‘There’s something I want to ask you,’ I heard her say.

I knew what she was going to say without hearing the words. My body tensed as she spoke.

‘Is he the father?’

I took a deep breath. It seemed like for ever before I could answer.

‘No,’ I said. ‘No, he isn’t.’

Mum didn’t say another word and I was glad. I didn’t know if I’d have been strong enough to tell her the lie again. I turned to look at her. She was staring blankly ahead, her eyes almost empty as she looked at the road. I knew I’d done the right thing. She didn’t want to hear those words. I put my hand over hers and we sat quietly together.

A few days later the doctor came to see me once more and told me they had some news.

‘We have done a scan,’ he said. ‘You must prepare yourself, Alice.’

‘What do you mean? What’s wrong?’

‘I’m sorry, but there’s no easy way to say this: we have discovered that Caitlin is brain-damaged.’

I stared at the doctor. What did he mean? Caitlin was perfect.

‘We’re not sure why it happened,’ he continued. ‘But it seems her entire brain activity is affected, which means the damage isn’t limited to one area. It will affect every aspect of her life.’

‘I don’t understand. She looks so well, she’s growing like she should be.’