Cutler 1 - Dawn (32 page)

"Your father was like a prince here anyway, and there was a number of suitors after your mother's hand. But even back then I heard stories."

"What kind of stories?" I asked when she looked like she wouldn't continue.

"Stories about your grandmother being unhappy about the marriage, not thinking your mother was right for your father. Say what you want about your grandmother, she's a powerful woman with eyes like a hawk. She sees things other people close their eyes to, and she goes and does what has to be done.

"Yes, she's a distinguished lady who wouldn't do anything to embarrass the family. Your grandfather liked your mother. Any man would have. I don't know if she's still as beautiful as she was, but she was like some precious little doll, her features tiny but perfect, and when she batted her eyelashes . . . men would turn into little boys. I seen that firsthand," Mrs. Dalton added, lifting her eyes to me and raising her eyebrows.

"So your grandmother kept her opposition quiet, I guess. I don't know all that went on behind closed doors, mind you, although some of the older staff, people who had been with the Cutlers a long time, people like Mary Boston, had a good idea what was going on and said there was a struggle.

"Not that Mary is the type who goes around gossiping, mind you. She don't. I was always close with Mary, so she told me what she knew. I was already a nurse and had done some special duty at the hotel, taking care of guests who got sick occasionally, and then, as I told you, taking care of Mr. Cutler Senior when he got sick.

"It wasn't no big secret then how your grandmother felt about your mother. She thought she was too flighty and self-centered to be a good hotel man's wife, but your father was head over heels. There was nothing he wanted more.

"Anyway, they got married, and for a while it seemed your mother might make a good hotel man's wife. She behaved, did what your grandmother wanted, learned how to be nice to the guests and be a host . . . She really enjoyed getting all dressed up and wearing all her expensive jewelry so she could be the Princess of Cutler's Cove, and in those days, as it still is, Cutler's Cove was a very special hotel catering to the richest, most distinguished families from up and down the East Coast . . . even Europe!"

"What happened to change things?" I asked, unable to contain my impatience. I knew all about the hotel and how famous it had become. I wanted her to get to the parts I didn't know.

"I'm getting to it, child. Don't forget, I'm not spry, and my mind wanders something awful because of this ailment, this curse, I should say." She waved her hand and then took on a far-off look. I sat obediently, waiting until she turned back to me.

"Where was I?"

"You were telling me about my mother, the wedding, how good things were in the beginning . . ."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't long after your brother was born . . ."

"Philip."

"Yeah, Philip, that your mother started to stray a bit."

"Stray?"

"Don't you know what stray means, child? You know what it is when a cat strays, don'tcha?" she asked, leaning toward me.

"I think so. Flirting?" I guessed.

She shook her head.

"She was doing more than just flirting. If your father knew, he didn't let on. 'Least as far as anyone knew, but your grandmother knew. Nothing happens at that hotel, she doesn't know about it the same minute or minutes afterward. It always looked like your grandfather was in charge, but she's the strength, always was, 'least as long as I can remember," she added, blinking quickly.

"I know," I said sadly.

"Anyway, from what I know about it, there comes this entertainer, piano player and singer, as handsome a man as could be. All the young women drooled over him, and he and your mother . . ." She paused and then leaned toward me again as if there were other people in the room and she didn't want to be overheard.

"There was this chambermaid, Blossom, who told me she come upon them out behind the pool house one night. She went out there herself with a man called Felix, who was a handyman. Nothing to look at," she added, twisting her nose, "but Blossom, she'd make love to any man who paused long enough to notice her.

"Anyway, she knew it was your mother, and she got frightened and pulled Felix away. Blossom didn't tell but one or two of her close friends besides me about what she saw, and your mother and her lover didn't know Blossom had been there at the same time, but it wasn't much longer after that, your grandmother found out all of it. She had ears and eyes working for her everywhere in that place, if you know what I mean," Mrs. Dalton said, nodding.

"What did she do?" I asked in a voice barely audible.

"The singer was let go and shortly afterward . . . well, your mother was pregnant."

"With me?"

" 'Fraid so, child. And your grandmother, she got your mother into her office and whipped her with words so bad, she had her begging for mercy. Of course, your mother swore up and down that you was her and Randolph's, but your grandmother was too sharp and knew too much about what went on. She knew dates, times . . . your mother finally confessed and admitted you was most likely not Randolph's child. Besides," she said, her eyebrows up again, "I don't think things was running that smooth between your mother and your father, as smooth as they're supposed to be running between a man and a woman. You understand?"

I shook my head. I didn't.

"Well," she said, "that's another story. Anyway, the only reason I found out about all this was your grandmother was going to force your mother to have an abortion on the sly. She wanted me to take her to someone."

I shook my head, dazed. Randolph Cutler wasn't my father. Once again what I believed to be the truth wasn't. When would this all end? When would the lies stop?

"What was the singer's name?"

"Oh, I don't remember. In those days entertainers came through here like hurricanes. Some stayed a season; some stayed a week on their way to New York or Boston or Washington, D.C. And as I said, he wasn't the first one your mother took behind the pool house."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing about my mother. My poor, sick mother. Ha! What an elaborate farce she had managed to create. How could she have done such a thing to Randolph? How could she have betrayed their love and marriage vows by sleeping with other men? It disgusted me.
She
disgusted me, for her actions were nothing more than those of a selfish woman thinking only of herself and what she wanted.

"Didn't Randolph find out?" I asked.

"He found out your mother was pregnant," she replied. "And that's what saved her from getting an abortion. You see, he thought you were his baby. So Laura Sue begged your grandmother to let her keep the child, go through with the pregnancy, and keep Randolph from knowing of her infidelity.

"Your grandmother didn't want no scandal, but she wasn't happy about keeping another man's child and calling that child a Cutler. She's too proud of her blood and no one
ever
gets the upper hand with her.

"But I was born. She let it happen," I said.

"Yeah, you was born, but right before you was, your grandmother decided she couldn't live with the lie in the hotel after all. I guess it was eating away at her seeing Laura Sue grow bigger and bigger with child, and seeing people fawn over her and talk about a new grandchild, while she knew that child wasn't truly her grandchild. Plus, your mother took every chance she could to gloat in front of your grandmother. That was her big mistake."

"What did she do?" I asked, my heart beginning to pound. I was afraid to breathe too loudly for fear Mrs. Dalton would stop or go off on another subject.

"She confronted Laura Sue. I was already working at the hotel, taking care of her in her last month and staying where I would stay in the nursery after you was born. So I was close by," she added, pulling herself up in the wheelchair and raising her eyebrows.

"You mean you overheard what was said?" I asked. I didn't want to say "eavesdropped." I could see she was sensitive about it.

"I would have found out most of it anyway. They needed me and had to tell."

"Needed you?" I was confused. "Why?"

"Your grandmother had come up with the plan. She rescinded her original agreement with your mother and told her she had to give up the baby. As long as she did that, your grandmother would keep her infidelity a secret, and she could continue to be Princess of Cutler's Cove."

"What did my mother say? There must have been a terrible argument." Despite my mother's illusion of illness, I suspected she could be quite strong-willed when she wanted. When it suited her advantage.

"No argument at all. Your mother was too self-centered and pampered. She was afraid to lose the good life, so she agreed to the ruse."

"Ruse? What ruse?"

"The plan, child. Sally Jean Longchamp had just given birth to a stillborn, as you know. Your grandmother went to her and to Ormand and made a deal with them—they were to abduct the newborn baby. She gave them jewelry and money to help them afford an escape.

"Sally Jean was upset about just losing a child, and here was Grandmother Cutler offering her another one, a child nobody seemed to want anyway. Laura Sue had agreed, and I think they were told that Randolph had too. I can't say for certain about that.

"Your grandmother worked it all out with them and promised to cover their escape well and send the police off in the wrong directions.

"Then she come to me," Mrs. Dalton said and looked down. "I couldn't disagree with her when she said Laura Sue would make a terrible mother. I could see how she was with Philip. She never had any time for him. Too busy lunching or shopping or sunning by the pool. And your grandmother was very upset about the child not being a true Cutler.

"Anyway, she offered me a full year's salary to cooperate. It was a lot of money for just turning my back, and since neither your grandmother nor your mother wanted the baby . . . well, I did as she asked and made myself scarce, went down to Mary Boston's room and waited while Ormand went in and abducted you.

"Mary knew what was happening. She had picked up a hint or two here and there, and then I told her the rest. She never liked your mother. Not many of the staff cared for her, because she was so spoiled and talked down to them.

"Anyway, Mary and I both felt sorry for Sally Jean Longchamp, who had just lost a child she wanted. We thought it was all a good idea. Nobody would be worse off for it.

"Apparently, Randolph still didn't know what was happening and what had happened, so your grandmother continued the ruse by offering a reward. There were times when we thought the police had located Ormand and Sally. Randolph went off to identify the suspects, but it was never them. The rest I guess you know.

"Except," she said, looking down at her hands in her lap, "it got so I regretted my part. No matter how bad a mother Laura Sue would have been and how much Ormand and Sally Jean wanted another child, it was still wrong. They were made into fugitives; you grew up believing you were their daughter, and poor Randolph appeared to be suffering something terrible thinking his newborn baby had been taken.

"I was tempted a few times to tell him the truth, but every time I set out to do that, I lost my courage. Mary kept saying it was for the best anyway. And my daughter . . . she was scared about what might happen if we crossed old Mrs. Cutler, and she and my son-in-law have had enough trouble just caring for me.

"Not long afterward, though, your mother had Clara, and they put that little tombstone in the cemetery to put your memory to rest forever."

"I know; I've seen it."

"I felt terrible about it. I went to look at it myself, and I knew God was watching me. Before long I began to get sick. I got sicker and sicker until you see me now.

"And now you've come back and I'm glad," she said with a sudden burst of energy and strength. "You're my redemption. I can make my peace with the Lord knowing I've told you the truth. I'm sorry, too. I can't right the wrong, but I can tell you I'm sorry I was any part of it.

"You're too young to know and appreciate what forgiveness means, child, but I sure hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive ole, sick Lila Dalton," she said, smiling softly, hopefully.

"You're not the one who has to ask for forgiveness, Mrs. Dalton," I replied. "You thought you were doing the right thing at the time, even something that would be better for me.

"But," I added, my eyes burning, "Ormand Longchamp shouldn't be sitting in that jail and taking all the blame."

"No, I suppose not."

"Would you tell the truth now, if you were asked to?" I inquired hopefully. "Or are you still afraid of what might happen?"

"I'm too old and too sick to be afraid of anyone or anything anymore," she said. "I'd do what I had to do to make my peace with God."

"Thank you," I said, standing. "For telling me everything. I'm sorry you're so sick, and I hope it does make you feel better."

"That's sweet of you, child. Funny," she said, taking my hand and looking up at me, "you're the grandchild Mrs. Cutler would want the most, and you're the one she gave away."

16

I returned to the hotel slowly, my head spinning, my whole life whirling by. Every few moments I would stop the wheel of fortune and read off something that now made sense—Momma's last words in the hospital, asking me not to hate her and Daddy, my grandmother's unhappiness at my return, my real mother's cowardice and nervous condition—all of it began to fall into place to create a picture that I didn't like, but that at least made sense.

Lunch had just ended at the hotel. Guests were meandering about the grounds, sitting on the front porch, enjoying the beautiful day. Younger guests were at the tennis courts, and many had gone to the pool. Across the way at the docks other guests were getting into and out of boats that took them for scenic coastal rides. There were smiles and laughter all around me. I was sure I stood out because of the clouds that hovered over me and cast dark shadows over my face.

But I couldn't help it. The bright sunshine, the warm ocean breezes, the happy peal of laughter coming from children, the excitement and energy of the tourists—all of it only pointed up my own sadness. Cutler's Cove was no place to be depressed, I thought, especially not today.

My grandmother was sitting in the lobby smiling and talking to guests. They laughed at something she said and then listened closely as she went on, their attention glued to her as if she were some celebrity. I saw the way other guests were drawn to her, eager to listen. She didn't see that I had entered, so I was able to look at her without her knowing it.

But suddenly she set eyes on me, and her expression frosted. I didn't turn away first. She did. Her smile returned as she continued to talk to her guests. I proceeded through the lobby. I had something to do before I would speak with her, someone else to speak with first.

Clara Sue was behind the front desk. Some of the teenage guests were standing there and talking to her. They all laughed, and then Clara Sue turned my way, her face full of curiosity and without any remorse.

But I didn't care about her right now. Right now she was insignificant to me. I ignored her and walked across the lobby. She made some snide remark about me, I'm sure, because a moment later she and her friends laughed even louder than they had been laughing. I didn't look back. I went to the old section and hurried through the corridor to the stairway.

There I paused, and then I walked up slowly, my eyes fixed ahead of me, my determination building with each step. All I could hear were Momma's last words to me in the hospital; all I could see was Daddy with his head bowed in defeat when the police had arrived.

What I was about to do I was to do for them.

I paused again at the door of my mother's suite, and then I walked in slowly and found her seated at her vanity table, brushing her golden hair and gazing admiringly at herself in the oval mirror. For a long moment she didn't realize I had entered. She was too entranced in her own image. Finally she realized I was standing there staring at her, and she spun around on her stool.

She was dressed in a light blue negligee, but as usual she had on earrings, a necklace, and bracelets. She had been making up her face and wore lipstick, rouge, and eyeliner.

"Oh, Dawn, you frightened me, sneaking in like that. Why didn't you knock? Even though I'm your mother, you've got to learn to knock," she said reproachfully. "Women my age need their privacy respected, Dawn honey," she added and put on her friendly smile that now looked more like a mask to me.

"Aren't you afraid Grandmother will hear you call me Dawn and not Eugenia?" I demanded. She looked more closely at me and saw the angry gleam in my eyes. It unnerved her quickly, and she put her brush down and turned around to get up to go to her bed.

"I'm not feeling too well this morning," she murmured as she crawled over her silk sheets. "I hope you don't have any new problems."

"Oh, no, Mother. All my problems are old ones," I announced, moving closer. She looked up at me curiously and then pulled her blanket over her body and fell back against her fluffy pillows.

"I'm so tired," she said. "It must be this new medication my doctor has prescribed. I'm going to have to have Randolph call him and tell him it's making me too tired. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. You'll have to leave and let me close my eyes."

"You weren't always like this, Mother, were you?" I asked sharply. She didn't say anything; she kept her eyes closed and her head on the pillow. "Were you, Mother? Didn't you used to be quite a lively young lady?" I asked, stepping up to the bed. She opened her eyes and blazed a wild look at me.

"What do you want? You're acting so strange. I don't have the strength. Go see your father if you have a problem. Please."

"Where shall I find my father?"

"What?"

"Where do I go to find him, my father?" I asked in a sweet, musical voice. "My
real
father."

She closed her eyes and lay back again.

"In his office, I'm sure. Or in his mother's office. You shouldn't have any problem locating him." She waved a hand dismissively.

"Really? I would have thought it would be very hard to find my father. Wouldn't I have to go running about from hotel to hotel, nightclub to nightclub, listening to entertainers?"

"What?" She opened her eyes again. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about my real father . . . finally my
real
father. The one by the pool."

My remark had hit home. I savored the look of unease creeping into her face. For once I wasn't the one who had to answer about the past. I wasn't the one made to feel ashamed. She was.

She stared at me uncomprehendingly and then brought her hands to her bosom.

"You don't mean that Mr. Longchamp? You're not still calling him your father, are you?" I shook my head. "Well, what are you talking about? I can't take this." Her eyelids fluttered. "It's making me feel very faint."

"Don't pass out before you tell me the truth, Mother," I demanded. "I won't leave your side until you do anyway. That I promise."

"What truth? What are you babbling about? What have you been told now? Who have you been speaking to? Where's Randolph?" She gazed at the door as if he were right behind me.

"You don't want him here," I said. "Unless it's time he knew it all. How could you give me up?" I asked quickly. "How could you let someone take your baby?"

"Let . . . someone?"

I shook my head in disgust.

"Were you always this weak and self-centered? You let her force you to give me up. You made your bargain—"

"Who's been filling you with these lies?" she demanded with a surprising burst of energy.

"No one's been filling me with lies, Mother. I have just come from talking with Mrs. Dalton." Her angry scowl wilted. "Yes, Mrs. Dalton, who was my nurse, whom you said Grandmother blamed. You just wanted to shift the blame to someone else. If Grand-mother blamed her, why did she give her a year's salary? And why was she rehired to care for Clara Sue?

"There's no sense trying to think of another lie to cover that one," I added quickly when I saw her start to speak. It was better to keep her on her toes. On the defense before she could gather her wits and retaliate with more lies. "Mrs. Dalton's very sick and wants to make her peace with God. She regrets her part in the scheme, and she is willing to tell the truth to anyone now.

"Why did you do it? How could you let anyone have your own child?"

"What did Mrs. Dalton tell you? She's sick; she must be babbling madness. Why did you even go to speak to that woman? Who sent you there?" my mother demanded.

"She's sick, but she's not babbling madness, and there are others here in the hotel who can support her story. I'm the one who is sick," I snapped. "I'm sick of lies, of living a life of lies.

"You lay here in bed pretending to be weak and tired and nervous just to hide yourself from the truth," I said. "Well, I don't care. Do what you want, but don't lie to me anymore. Don't pretend to love me and to have missed me and to pity me for having been taken away to live a poor, hard life. You sent me into that life. Didn't you?
Didn't you?"
I shouted. She winced and looked as if she would burst into tears.
"I want the truth!"
I screamed and pounded my thighs with my fists.

"Oh, God!" she cried and buried her face in her hands.

"Crying and pretending to be sick won't save you this time, Mother. You did a terrible thing, and I have a right to know the truth."

She shook her head.

"Tell me," I insisted. "I won't leave until you do."

Slowly she brought her hands away from her face. It was a changed face, and not just because tears had streaked her makeup and made her eyeliner run. There was a tired, defeated look in her eyes, and her lips trembled. She nodded slowly and slowly turned to me. She looked even younger, more like a little girl who had been caught doing something naughty.

"You mustn't think badly of me," she said in a tiny child's voice. "I didn't mean to do terrible things. I didn't." She pursed her lips and tilted her head as a five-year-old would.

"Just tell me what really happened, Mother. Please."

She glanced toward the doorway and leaned closer to me, her voice in a whisper.

"Randolph doesn't know," she said. "It would break his heart. He loves me very much, almost as much as he loves his mother, but he can't help that. He can't," she said, shaking her head.

"Then you did give me away?" I asked, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Until this moment . . . this moment of truth . . . a secret part of me hadn't wanted to believe what I'd been told. "You
did
let Ormand and-Sally Jean Longchamp have me?"

"I had to," she whispered. "She made me do it." She gazed out of the corners of her eyes at the doorway. She was like a little girl trying to shift the guilt onto another little girl. My anger subsided. There was something very pathetic and sad about her. "You mustn’t blame me, Dawn.
Please!"
she begged. "You mustn't. I didn't want to do it, honest, but she told me if I didn't, she would tell Randolph things about me and have me cast out a disgrace. Where would I go? What would I do? People would hate me. Everyone respects and fears her," she added angrily. "They would believe anything she said."

"So you did make love with another man and got pregnant with me?" I asked softly this time. "Randolph was always so involved in the hotel.

He's in love with the hotel," she complained. "You don't have any idea how hard it was for me in those days," she said, her face twisting. Tears filled her eyes. "I was young and beautiful and full of energy and wanted to do things, but Randolph was always so busy or his mother was always asking him to do this and do that, and if I wanted to go somewhere or do something, he always had to check with his mother. She ruled our lives like some queen.

"I wasn't going to just sit around all the time.
He never had time for me! Never!
It wasn't fair!" she shouted indignantly. "He didn't tell me it would be that way when he courted me. I was fooled. Yes," she said, nodding and liking her theory, "I was tricked, deceived. He was one kind of a man outside the hotel and another inside. Inside, he is what his mother wants him to be, no matter what I say or do.

"So I can't be blamed," she concluded. "It's all really his fault . . . her fault." The tears streaked down her face. "Don't you see? I'm not to blame."

"She told you you would have to give me up and you agreed," I concluded, as if I were a lawyer cross-examining a witness in a trial, but I did feel like it was a trial of sorts, with me acting as attorney for Ormand and Sally Jean Longchamp, as well as myself.

"I had to agree. What else could I do?"

"You could have said no. You could have fought for me and told her I was your child. You could have told her no, no, no!" I shouted wildly, but it was like trying to tell a four-year-old how to behave like an adult. My mother smiled through her tears, nodding.

"You're right. You're right. I was bad. So very bad! But everything's all right now. You're back. Everything's all right. Let's not talk about it anymore. Let's talk about good things, happy things. Please."

She patted me on the hand and took a deep breath, her expression changing as if all that we had been discussing was instantly forgotten and not very important anyway.

"I was thinking that you should have something done with your hair, and maybe we could go shopping for some nice new clothes for you. And new shoes and some jewelry. You don't have to wear all of Clara Sue's hand-me-downs. You can have your own things now.

"Would you like that?" she asked.

I shook my head. She really was a child. Perhaps she had always been like this and that was why my grandmother had her way with her easily.

"But I'm so tired right now," she said. "I'm sure it's this new medicine. I just want to close my eyes for a while." She dropped her head back to the pillow. "And rest and rest." She opened her eyes and looked up at me. "If you see your father, please tell him to call the doctor, I have to change my medicine."

I stared down at her. She did have the face of a little girl, a face to be pitied and pampered.

"Thank you, honey," she said and closed her eyes again.

I turned away. There was no point in screaming at her anymore or making any demands on her. In a way she was an invalid, not as sick as Mrs. Dalton, but just as shut away from reality. I started for the door.

"Dawn?" she called.

"Yes, Mother."

"I'm sorry," she said and then closed her eyes again.

"So am I, Mother," I replied. "So am I."

All my life, I thought as I descended the stairway, I have been carried along by events beyond my control.

As an infant, as a child, and as a young girl, I was dependent upon adults and had to do whatever they wanted me to do or, as I had just learned, go along with whatever they wanted done with me. Their decisions, their actions, and their sins were the winds that blew me from one place to the next. Even those who really loved me could turn and go only to certain places. The same was true for Jimmy and certainly for Fern. Events that had been begun even before our births had already determined what and who we would be.