Cutler 1 - Dawn (30 page)

“I jumped into my car and went tearing about, hoping to be lucky and come upon him, but it was futile.” He shook his head.

“If he should write to you, whatever he tells you in a letter” my father said, his face turning as sour and angry as I imagined it could. “It can’t justify the terrible thing he did. Nothing can.

“I’m sorry his wife died and he’s had such a hard life, but perhaps they were being punished for the horrible crime they committed.”

I turned away because the tears had begun to sneak out the corners of my eyes and zigzag down my cheeks.

“I know it’s been especially difficult for you, honey.” He said, putting his hand softly on my shoulder, “but you’re a Cutler; you’ll survive and become all you were meant to become.

“Well,” he continued, “I’ve got to get back to the job. You should try to eat something,” he said, and I remembered Jimmy. I had to get food to him. “Tell you what,” my father said. “I’ll stop by the kitchen and have someone fix you a plate and send it on down. Okay?”

I could bring that food to Jimmy, I thought.

“Yes, Thank you.”

“If you still don’t feel too well later, let me know, and I’ll have the hotel doctor look in on you.” He said and left.

I gazed in the mirror to see how bad I looked. I couldn’t let Jimmy know what had happened between Phillip and me. If he found out, he would become enraged and go after him, only getting himself into terrible trouble. I had to make myself look good for him so he wouldn’t sense that anything terrible had happened to me. There were still some blotches on my neck and right around my collarbone.

I went to the closet and found a pretty blue skirt and white blouse that had a wide collar and would hide most of the blotches. Then I brushed out my hair and tied a ribbon around it. I put on a little lipstick too. I wished I had some rouge to make my pale cheeks look healthier, I thought.

I heard a knock on my door and opened it to accept my try of food from one of the kitchen staff. I thanked him and closed the door, waiting to hear his footsteps disappear. Then I opened the door slowly and peered out. When I was certain all was clear, I hurried down the corridor and out the exit, carrying the warm tray of food to Jimmy.

"I'm stuffed," Jimmy announced and then looked up from his plate. "One thing you have here is great food, huh?" He sighed. "But I feel like a cooped-up chicken in here, Dawn. I can't stay much longer."

"I know," I said sadly and looked down. "Jimmy . . . Why can't I go with you?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, Jimmy, I don't care about the food or the beautiful grounds. I don't care how important my family is in this community or how wonderful people think the hotel is. I'd rather go with you and be poor and live with people I can love.

"Daddy's and Momma's relatives won't know anything if we don't tell them. We'll tell them about Momma dying, but we'll make up another reason for Daddy's being in prison."

"Oh, I don't know, Dawn . . ."

"Please, Jimmy. I can't stay here."

"Oh, things are bound to get better for you, a whole lot better than they would be in Georgia. Besides, I told you, if you ran off with me, they'd surely send someone after us, and we'd only be caught."

I nodded and looked into his soft, sympathetic eyes.

"Doesn't all this seem like one long, terrible nightmare sometimes, Jimmy? Don't you just hope you will wake up and it will all have been a horrible dream? Maybe if we wish hard enough."

I closed my eyes.

"I wish I could lock out all the bad things that had happened to us and put us in a magical place where we could live out our deepest, most secret dreams, a place where nothing ugly or sordid could touch us."

“So do I, Dawn,” he whispered. I felt him lean toward me and then I felt his breath on my lips before I felt his lips. When we kissed, my body softened, and I thought how right it would have been for Jimmy to be the one to have taken me from girlhood innocence into a woman’s world. I had always felt safe with him, no matter where we went or what we did, because I sensed how much he cared for me and how important it was to him that I be happy and secure. Tragedy and hardship had tied us together as brother and sister and now it seemed only right, even our destiny, that romantic love bind us together.

But Phillip’s attack had stolen away the enchantment that comes when a girl willingly casts off her veil of innocence and enters maturity hand in hand with someone who loves her. I felt stained, polluted, spoiled. Jimmy felt me tense up.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, thinking it was his kiss that had done it.

“It’s all right, Jimmy,” I said.

“No, it’s not all right. I’m sure you can’t stop seeing me beside you on one of our pull-out couches. I can’t stop seeing you as my sister. I want to love you; I do love you, but it’s going to take time―otherwise we won’t feel clean and right about it,” he explained.

He tried to look away, but slowly he was drawn back to me, his eyes so full of torment. It made my heart pound to see how much he loved and wanted me and yet his deep sense of morality kept hi chained back. My impulses, my unleashed sexuality thrashed about like a spoiled child, demanding satisfaction, but the wiser part of me agreed with Jimmy and loved him more for showing his wisdom. He was right―if we rushed into things, we would suffer regret. Our confused consciences could turn us away from each other afterward, and our love would never grow to be pure and good.

"Of course you're right, Jimmy," I said, "but I always loved you as much as a sister could love her brother, and now I promise to learn to love you the way a woman should love a man, no matter how long it takes me and how long I have to wait."

"Do you mean that, Dawn?"

"I do, Jimmy."

He smiled and kissed me softly again, but even that short, gentle peck on the cheek sent an electric thrill through my body.

"I should leave tonight," he said.

"Please don't, Jimmy. I'll stay with you all night," I said. "And we'll talk until you can't keep your eyelids open."

He laughed.

"All right, but I should leave early in the morning," he said. "The truckers get started early, and they're the best chance I got to get rides."

"I'll get you breakfast when I go to eat with the rest of the staff. That's early. And we'll have a little more time together.

"But do you promise that when you get to Georgia, you'll write and tell me where you are?" I asked. Just the thought of his leaving and being so far .way from me now made me feel sick inside.

"Sure. And as soon as I earn enough money on my own, I'll come back to see you."

"Promise?"

“Yes.”

We lay together on the bunk, me snuggled in his arm, and talked about our dreams. Jimmy had never had his mind set on being anything before, but now he talked about joining the air force when he was old enough and maybe becoming a pilot.

"But what if there was a war, Jimmy? I'd feel terrible and worry all the time. Why don't you think about being something else, like a lawyer or a doctor or—"

"Come on, Dawn. Where am I going to get enough money to go to a college?"

"Maybe I’ll get enough money to send you to college."

He was quiet and then he turned to me with his dark eyes so sad and heavy.

"You won't want me to be your boyfriend if I’m not somebody big and important. Is that it, Dawn?"

"Oh, no, Jimmy. Never."

"You won't be able to help it," he predicted.

"That's not true, Jimmy," I protested.

"Maybe it's not true now, but after you've been living here a while, you'll get to feel that way. It happens. These rich, old southern families plan then daughters' lives—what they will be, who they will marry—"

"It won't happen to me," I insisted.

"We'll see," he said, convinced he was right. He could be so stubborn sometimes.

"James Gary Longchamp, don't tell me what I will and will not be like. I am my own person and nobody—not a tyrant grandmother or anybody else—is going to mold me into someone else. She can call me Eugenia until she gets red in the face."

"All right," he said, laughing. He kissed me on cheek. "Whatever you say. I don't think she's going to be a match for your temper anyhow. I wonder who you get that from? Your mother got a temper?"

"Hardly. She whines instead of yells. And she gets everything she wants anyway. She doesn't have to be mad at anyone."

"What about your father?"

"I don't think he's capable of getting angry. Nothing seems to bother him. He's as smooth as fresh butter."

"So then you inherited your grandmother's temperament. Maybe you're more like her than you think."

"I don't want to be. She's not what I imagined my grandmother would be like. She's . . ."

We heard the sets of footsteps on the cement stairway before the door was thrust open. A moment later the hideaway was illuminated, and we looked up at two policemen. I grabbed Jimmy's hand.

"See," Clara Sue said from behind them, "I told you I wasn't lying."

"Let's go, kid," one of the policemen said to Jimmy. He stood up slowly.

"I ain't going back there," he said defiantly. The policeman moved forward. Jimmy stepped to the side. When the policeman reached out to grab him, Jimmy ducked and scooted to the side.

"Jimmy!" I cried.

The other policeman moved swiftly and seized him around the waist, lifting him off the ground. Jimmy flared out, but the second policeman joined the first, and they restrained him quickly.

"Let him go!" I screamed.

"You can come along quietly, or we'll put handcuffs on you, kid," the policeman holding him from behind said. "What's it going to be?"

"All right, all right," Jimmy said, his face red with embarrassment and anger. "Let go."

The policeman loosened his grip, and Jimmy stood by, his head lowered in defeat.

"Move on out," the other policeman commanded. I turned to Clara Sue, who stood in the doorway. "How could you do this?" I screamed. "You mean, selfish . . ."

She stepped back to let the policemen and Jimmy pass. Just as Jimmy reached the door, he turned back to me.

"I'll come back, Dawn. I promise. Someday I'll come back."

"Move it," the policeman commanded pushing him. Jimmy stumbled forward through the door.

I ran after them.

“Jimmy!"
Icried. I started running up the steps and stopped when I reached the top.

My father stood beside my grandmother, and Clara stood just behind them both.

"Go directly to your room, Eugenia," my grandmother commanded. "This is a terrible disgrace."

"Go on," my father said a little softer, but his face dark with disappointment. "Go to your room."

I looked after Jimmy and the policemen. They were nearly at the front of the building.

"Please," I said, "Don't let them take him back. He had a horrible time living with a mean man. Please―"

"It's not our problem," my grandmother said,

"We can't do anything," my father confirmed, "And it's against the law to harbor a fugitive."

"He's not a fugitive. No," I said, shaking my head. "Please . . ." I turned in Jimmy's direction, but he had already gone around the building.
"Jimmy,"
I called. I started after him.

"Eugenia!" my father cried. "Get back here."

I ran, but by the time I had reached the front of the hotel, the policemen had shoved Jimmy into the back of the patrol car and slammed the door. I stood by watching as they got in. Jimmy peered out the window.

"I'll be back," he mouthed.

The roof light began, and the patrol car was started up.

"Jimmy!"

I felt
my father's hand on my shoulder, restraining me.

"How utterly embarrassing," my grandmother said from somewhere behind me. "That my guests should see this."

"You'd better get inside," my father advised.

My body shook with sobs as the police car pulled away, taking Jimmy back into the night.

15

I felt my father's fingers grip my shoulders softly as the lights from the police patrol car disappeared on the street below. My grandmother stepped forward to face me. Her lips were tight and thin, and her eyes were wide and maddening with rage. Under the lanterns and the bright porch lights, her skin was ghostly white. With her shoulders raised and her neck lowered between them, she looked like a hawk about to pounce on a mouse, and right now I felt like some sort of trapped creature.

"How could you do such a thing?" she hissed. She turned sharply to my father. "I told you she was no better than a wild animal brought in from the streets. She's sure to bring them all here if we don't put an immediate stop to it. She has to be sent away to some private school that specializes in this sort of person."

"I'm not a wild animal! You're a wild animal!" I screamed.

"Eugenia," my father snapped. I spun out of his hands.

"I'm not Eugenia! I'm not! I'm Dawn, Dawn!" I insisted, pounding my sides with my own small fists. I looked up and saw the guests who had gathered at the front entrance and on the porch gawking, some of the elderly women shaking their heads and the men nodding their agreement as Philip pushed his way through and gazed at confusion.

"What's happening?" he cried. He turned to Clara Sue, who was off to the side looking very content with herself. She flashes a smile of satisfaction up at him.

"You'd better get yourself inside," my father advised in a strong, loud whisper. "We'll talk about all this when everyone's a bit calmer."

"No," I said. "You shouldn't have let them take him," I added and began to sob. "You shouldn't have."

"Eugenia," he said softly, stepping toward me.

"Get her inside," my grandmother commanded through her teeth. "Now!" She turned away and smiled up at her guests. "It's all right, everyone . . . just a misunderstanding. Nothing to alarm anyone."

"Please, Eugenia," my father said, reaching out to take my hand. "Let's go inside," he pleaded.

"No!"
I backed farther away. "I'm not going inside. I hate it; l hate it!" I screamed and turned and ran down the driveway.

"Honestly, Daddy, you're always treating Dawn with kid gloves," I heard Clara Sue say. "She's a big girl. She's made her bed! Now let her lie in it!"

Her words put more force into my stride. Clara was such a liar. As I ran, the tears streamed down and blew off my cheeks. I felt as though my chest would explode, but I didn't stop running. I reached the street and turned right, running down the sidewalk, half the time with my eyes closed, sobbing.

I ran and ran until the pain in my side became a sharp knife cutting deeper and deeper, forcing me to slow down to a trot and then a walk, my hand on my ribs, my head down, gasping for breath. I had no idea where I was headed or where I was. The street had turned to the left, bringing me closer to the ocean, and the pounding surf seemed right beside me. Finally I stopped by some large rocks and leaned against them to rest and catch my breath.

I gazed out at the moonlit sea. The sky was dark, deep, even cold, and the moon looked sickly yellow. Occasionally the spray from the surf reached me and sprinkled my face.

Poor Jimmy, I thought, spirited off into the night like some common criminal. Would they force him to return to that mean farmer? What had we done to deserve this? I bit down on my lower lip to prevent myself from sobbing any more. My throat and chest ached so much from crying.

Suddenly I heard someone calling. It was Sissy wandering through the streets looking for me.

"Your daddy sent me after you," she said.

"He's not my daddy," I spat out hatefully. "He's my father, and I'm not going back. I'm not."

"Well, what'cha going to do?" she asked, looking around. "You can't stay out here all night. You gotta come back."

"They dragged Jimmy away like some hunted animal. You should have seen."

"I did see. I seen it all from the side of the porch. Who was he?"

"He was my . . . the boy I thought was my brother. He had run off from a cruel foster parent."

"Oh."

"And there was nothing I could do to help him," I wailed helplessly, standing back and wiping my cheeks, "Nothing." I sighed deeply and lowered my head. How frustrated and defeated I felt. Sissy was right: I had to return to the hotel. Where else would I go?

"I hate Clara Sue," I said through my clenched teeth. "She told my grandmother Jimmy was hiding out here and got her to call the police. She's a mean, spiteful . . . she's the one who stole Mrs. Clairmont's necklace just so I'd be blamed. Afterward, I saw her sneak into my room and put it in my bed."

"But I thought Mrs. Clairmont found it."

"I snuck into her room and put it back, but Clara Sue did it," I repeated. "I know no one will believe me, but she did."

"I believe you. That's one spoiled child for sure," Sissy agreed. "But she will get hers someday. That kind always does, because they hate themselves too much. Come on, honey," Sissy said, putting her arm around my shoulders, "I'll walk you back. You’re shivering something terrible."

"I'm just upset, not cold."

"Still, you're shivering," Sissy said, rubbing my arm. We started back to the hotel. "Jimmy's a handsome boy."

"He is handsome, isn't he? And he's very nice. People don't see that at first because he seems so standoffish. That's because he's really shy."

"Ain't nothing wrong with being a little shy. It's the other type I don't like much."

"Like Clara Sue?"

"Like Clara Sue," she agreed, and we both laughed. It felt good to laugh, like finally letting out a breath you had to hold for the longest time. And then an idea came to me.

"Do you know the woman who was my nurse when I was first born—Mrs. Dalton?"

"Uh-huh."

"She lives with her sister, right?" Sissy nodded.

"Does she live nearby?"

"Well, back there about four blocks," she said, indicating behind us. "In a little Cape Cod house on Crescent Street. Once in a while my granny sends me over with a jar of this or a jar of that. She's a sick woman, you know."

"Mrs. Boston told me. Sissy, I want to go see her."

"What for?"

"I want to ask her questions about my kidnapping. Will you take me there?"

"Now?"

"It's not that late."

"It's too late for her. She's very sick and would be asleep by now."

"Will you take me in the morning after we do our work? Will you?" I asked. "Please," I begged.

"Okay," she said, seeing how important it was to me.

"Thank you, Sissy," I said.

When we returned to the hotel, my grandmother was nowhere to be seen, but my father greeted us in the lobby.

"Are you all right?" he asked. I nodded and looked down at the carpet. "I think you should just go to your room. We'll have a chance to talk about all this tomorrow when everyone is calmer and can think clearly."

As I was crossing the lobby, I decided what I was going to do. It was time to deal with Clara Sue. She wasn’t going to get away with what she had done.

Without bothering to knock, I stormed into Clara Sue’s bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

“How could you?” I angrily demanded. “How could you tell them about Jimmy?”

Clara Sue was on her bed, flipping through a magazine. By her side was a box of chocolates. Despite my angry words, she didn’t look up. Instead she continued reading, reaching into the box of chocolates, nibbling one after another and discarding them after one or two bites.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I asked. I still received no answer and it infuriated me the way she so blatantly ignoring me. I swooped down on her and swatted the box of chocolates. It flew off the bed and into the air before crashing to the floor, chocolates scattering everywhere.

I waited for Clara Sue to look up at me. I couldn’t wait to confront her about the treacherous thing she had done. But she didn’t look up. She only continued reading, ignoring me as if I wasn’t there. For some reason this infuriated me even more. I tore her magazine out of her hands, ripping it to shreds, tossing the pieces in the air.

“I’m not leaving, Clara Sue Cutler. I’m staying right here until you look at me.”

Finally she looked up, her blue eyes sending me a warning look. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you to knock? It’s the polite thing to do.”

I chose to ignore the look in Clara Sue’s eyes. “And didn’t anyone ever teach you about trust? About keeping a secret sacred? Jimmy and I trusted you. Why did you do it? Why?"

"Why not?" she purred softly. Then more angrily and with a burst of force as she jumped off her bed,
"Why not?
Making your life miserable gives me pleasure, Dawn. It makes me happy."

I stared at her in outrage. Without even thinking about it, I brought up my hand and slapped her across the face. "You're nothing but a spoiled selfish brat! I'll never forgive you for this.
Never!"

Clara Sue laughed at me, massaging her cheek. "Who wants your forgiveness?" she sneered. "You think you're doing me a favor?"

"We're sisters. Sisters are supposed to be best friends. You didn't want me as a friend, Clara Sue, and now you don't want me as a sister. Why? Why are you so intent on hurting me? What did I ever do to you? Why do you keep doing these nasty things?"

"Because I hate you!"
Clara Sue screamed at the top of her lungs. "I hate you, Dawn! I've hated you all my life!"

I was shocked by her anger. It threw me off guard, and I didn't know how to respond. There was such ferocity in her words and her face was bright red, her eyes bulging like the eyes of a madwoman. I'd seen such a look before—on Grandmother Cutler's face. Clara Sue's look chilled me the way Grandmother's had. But I couldn't understand it. Why did they both hate me so? What had I ever done to this family to warrant such ugly emotions?

"How can that be?" I whispered. Part of me wanted to understand Clara Sue's feelings. "How can that be?"

"How can that be?" Clara Sue mimicked cruelly.
"How can that be?
I'll tell you how.
I’ll tell you!
You've been a part of my life without even being in it! From the day I was born I've lived in your shadow, and I've hated every minute of it!"

"But that wasn't my fault." Part of me was starting to understand. The aftermath of my kidnapping had become a permanent part of life at Cutler's Cove, and Clara Sue had been born into it.

"Oh, wasn't it? I wasn't the first-born, like Philip, or the first daughter, like you. I wasn't even considered the baby of the family. Oh, no!
I was nothing but the baby born to replace you!"
Clara Sue closed the distance between us. "Get out of my room.
Get out!
The sight of you sickens me. But before you go, Dawn, here's a promise. A very special promise that I intend to keep. I will
never
accept you as a part of this family. I will
never
welcome you with open arms or make your life easier.
Never!
Instead I will do everything humanly possible to make your life a living hell. And when that isn't enough, I'll do even more. I will go out of my way to bring you sorrow and heartache. Your unhappiness will bring a smile to my face and make the sun even shinier. I will shatter your dreams until they're nothing more than twisted remnants of your hopes and will bring you only nightmares.
Nothing less will do!"

I was speechless. "You can't be serious!" I cried. Clara Sue's reasons for turning in Jimmy were now crystal clear, and although I was still very angry at her, part of me pitied her. With everything she had, Clara Sue was miserable. I wanted to help her overcome her unhappiness. Maybe then she wouldn't hate me so much.

Clara Sue's eyes glinted wildly as she stared at me with open amazement. "I don't believe you! I honestly don't believe you! You just don't give up, do you? This isn't some sappy movie where we pour out our hearts to each other, have a good cry, and then kiss and make up. Get your pretty little head out of the clouds, Dawn. Didn't you hear a word I said? We will never be friends, and we will certainly never be sisters.
Ever!"
Clara Sue inched closer, and I backed away from her into the bedroom door. "Never let your guard down with me, Dawn," she warned. "Watch out for me. Always."

With those final words she turned her back on me. I fumbled with the doorknob, anxious to escape from my sister because in my heart I knew that what she had promised was true.

Neither my father nor my grandmother had time to see me the following morning since it was the day of a big check-in and checkout. I was busy with Sissy anyway because we had an additional five rooms to clean and remake. Nevertheless, I anticipated my grandmother's appearance in the kitchen when the staff had its breakfast. I hadn't slept well the night before, and I wasn't in the mood to be yelled at or embarrassed in front of the other workers. I made up my mind to stand up to her, even if it meant being confined to my room without food again.

Because Clara Sue had the early evening shift at the front desk, she always slept late, so I didn't have to face her, but Philip was up and with the other waiters, of course. He avoided me until it was time to go to work. Then he followed me out and called to me.

"Please," he begged when it looked like I wouldn't stop. I turned on him abruptly.

"I have work to do, Philip," I said. "I have to earn my keep," I added bitterly. "And I don't believe Grandmother. I'm not learning the business from the bottom up. I'll always be on the bottom as far as she is concerned." I gazed at him. He looked so different to me now, so cheap and pathetic since he had attacked me. To think I had almost been in love with him!

"Dawn, you have to believe me. I had nothing to do with my grandmother's finding out about Jimmy. She doesn't know I brought him down there to hide him when he first arrived," he said, his eyes showing his fear. So that was it, I thought.

"You're afraid I'll tell her?" He didn't reply, but his face answered. "Don't worry, Philip. I'm not like our precious younger sister. I won't deliberately get you in trouble just to get revenge, although I should," I snapped and pivoted to catch up with Sissy.