Cross My Heart (44 page)

“It was an accident. I stayed after school.
For a meeting.
It was
some kind of
set-up and I got in the way
. It has nothing to do with him, I swear.
He was just
. . .
doing his job.”
I
let out a frustrated
sigh. “Are mo
m and dad coming?” I ask
.
The heart monitor bleeps beside me, and I fight the urge to yank off the plastic piece squeezing my index finger.
It’s all so dramatic.

“
They’ll be here any minute
.”

“Can you do me a favor, then? Can you
please
relax and try to convey the idea that I’m okay and that it’s not Parke
r’s fault? I need to talk to him
. And on your way, could you maybe act
like you’re
thankful
he saved my life
?”

He exhales loudly, then turns to leave, pulling on the door.

“She wants to see you,” he says. “I d
on’t know why. What I do know—
and
all of your little offi
cer friends can hear this—is
if you ever,
ever
, hurt my sister again, I will disfigure you so badly it’ll take weeks to identify what’s left.”

“Daniel,” I mumble.

He turns back to me. “Sorry. That’s the best I can do.”

He disappears down the hall
and Parker enters, shutti
ng the door behind him. Someone
loaned him a clean t-shirt.

“Are
. . .
you okay?” he asks
, hesitating
.

I don’t answer. I don’t know.

He takes a deep breath. “Look, Jaden, I am so
, so s
orry this happened.
” He pauses, exhaling loudly. “
No one was supposed to be at
the
school this afternoon. If I had any idea you were still there. . . .
”

“Fi
rst, I think I should thank you,” I tell him
calmly
.
“
You know, for saving me.”

He runs his fi
ngers through his hair, eyes aching and raw
. “I didn’t save you,” he chokes. “It happened because of me.
Every time I close my eyes I see. . . .
And you have to know t
hat I will
never
forgive myself
. . .”

“Still,” I interrupt
,
“i
t happened. And you’re obviously good at whatever it is you do, because it could’ve been worse. For both of us.”

He exhales.

“So. . . . Who are you?” I ask
,
gaze
leveling
.

“Parker Whalen.”

My eyebrow lifts.
“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Parker Whalen. High school student?”
I press.

He clears his throat. “Off
icer Whalen, actually,” he says
slowly. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his badge, handing it to me. The gold shimmers in the light
, glittering
. I run my fingers over the shield, the star in the middle. It’s heavy and cold and official.

I set it down beside me. “What’s your story? What are you doing?”

“I was on assignment. At your school.
”

“
You were after my boyfriend.
”

“
I know it looks t
hat way, but it
’
s not like that,
I swear. Until a
couple of
week
s
ago I did
n
’
t even know Blake knew Vince.
”

“
You were undercover the whole time,” I say, shaking my head, trying to understand.

“Yes
.”

“So . . . everything I know about you. It’s all . . . a lie.”

He swallows hard. “Jaden, I know it seems that way. And yeah. I
had a
backstory
. I
had
to.
I couldn’t fall for you.
And you have no idea how wretched I felt lying in bed
at night
trying to think up stories to tell you, knowing they weren
’
t even true.
All those things I said. . . . I didn’t have any othe
r choice. But you
know
me, Jade
. You do. Deep down I’m the same guy. I love the zoo. And Sun Chips. And I think Mr. Darcy is a pretentious . . .”

“Your dad?”

“
Retired
sheriff
,” he replies
, sighing
.
“Small town.”

“Yo
ur mom?”

“Married to him for twenty-six
years. Somewhat happily
for mos
t of those. They live outside
Hamilton.”

“You said they were divorced. You grew up broke.”

“I gr
ew up surprisingly middle class,
”
he confesses.

“Brothers? Sisters?” I ask.

“I have a
n older
sister in college.
I
’
m twenty
-one
years old, Sagittarius, and
this was my second
undercover assignme
nt
.
”

Like it
even
matters. I do
n’t care how old he is. Not really
.
Not when
I fell in love with an
undercover
police
officer
planted
inside my high school.
And he
let
it happen when he
knew
. . . .
My pulse steps up, a spark of anger flashing.

“You
w
ere kicked out of your old
school,” I remind him, matter of fact.
“
You were into drugs.”

He
nods
. “
I was. I can’
t lie about that. B
ut I was
never kicked out
, and
never arrested
.
Not officially.
”

“Your motorcycle?” I ask.
“The drug money?”

“
No drug money.
I b
ought it after my first few paychecks.”

“The bruises?”

“Occupational hazard. And . . . paintball.”

Paintball?
PAINTBALL?

I swallow hard, refusing to look away
,
feeling a flare of resentment
. “How long have you been a cop?”

“A couple years.”

“And this is something you
always wanted to do?” I ask.

“Seemed li
ke the right choice at the time,
”
he admits
, voice low
.
He shrugs, as if even now he’s debating whether or not it was the best decision.

My eyes narrow, squinting, because I’m trying to see him. To understand. “And you just . . . hang out at high schools and fall for girls in your classes?”

“No.” He swallows, his dark eyes holding on to mine, glis
tening. “I pose as a student to
keep an eye out for drug activity. I’ve only fallen hard for one girl. And I’m still kind of freaking out because about an hour ago I thought I’d lost her.
And if that happened. . . .
”

I look away,
scoffing,
because I can feel the tears
and I
see how miserable he is about all of this and I
don’t want him to change anything I’m feeling at this moment, because if nothing
else, I deserve the chance
to be angry at him
. I’m
allowed
to
be furious.
“There’s nothing like a gun to the face to help sort out all your conflicted feeli
ngs,” I tell him
.

“I know I hurt you, Jaden. I hurt you every way a person can possibly be
hurt. But if you can forgive me, I promise
. . .”

I squee
ze the inner corners of my eyes
. A
tear escapes, dripping.
“I don’t blame you for any of this, so there’s nothing to forgive. I’m glad that you were there, and you k
new what you were doing. I just
. . . .” My voice gives. Throat closes. And
my nose tingles and
I’m all wet and snotty.  I take a deep breath. My lungs shudder. I stare at the white ceiling tiles. “
I don’t know who you are
, Parker.
I thought. . . .
You
let me believe
. . . .”

“I
had
to stick to my story, Jaden,” he interrupts. “
It’s my job. I’m undercover. I would’ve
loved, more than anything in this
world, to meet you
under different circumstances.
But it wasn’t safe for either of us. And what happened to you tod
ay
. . .
you have to know that I’d give
anything
to take it back.
I will not lose a second of sleep for killing that bastard,
”
he goes on, pointing to the door,
“
but what happened to you today is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
”

He
fade
s around the edges,
sparkling,
mingling with my tears. I believe him. I do.
And that’s what’s so bad about all of this. I’d rather him be cold
. H
eartless.
Maybe then telling him goodbye wouldn
’
t hurt so much.

“You have
no idea what you’ve done to me
, Jaden
.
You just, barged in and flip
ped my entire world upside down,” he says, voice heated.
“I didn’t know what to do.”

I sit frozen on the bed. A
chill ripples, moving through my spine.

“
I will quit my job. I will turn in my badge.
I’ll give it all up—I swear
I will—if that’s what it takes to make it right.
”
Our eyes fix on one another, and
I can see the sacrifice
—the truth—
carved
into
them
.
And I know: he
would
give up everything.
In a second.
For
me.

There’s a knock on the door, and the nurse sticks her head in
, interrupting us
. “Jaden, your family is here.”

I sit straighter, more rigid.
“It’s fine.
” I clear my throat, swallowing, suppressing additional tears.
“He’s
leaving,
”
I manage.

Parker watches me carefully
.
I refuse to meet his gaze
again
.
My life—this thing—it’s
complicated enough without bringing guns and police officers and emergency rooms into it.

“I know how Ethan feels now,” he says
, a trace of defeat in his voice
. A tiny laugh
, but there’s no humor in it
.

I glance over at him
,
a thousand moments surging through me
.
Him. Me. Us.
I pus
h the thoughts away, racing
from the memories
,
leaving them behind.

“Watching someone suff
er because of something stupid he
did?
I get it.
And you’re wrong,
because it devastated him.
”

I exhale slowly and drag my
thumbs beneath my eyes.
I can’t let my family see me upset.
I
’
m the one who
’
s supposed to keep it together.
I
have
to keep it together. He
eyes me carefully, then
reaches for the tissue box on the counter,
pulls one out
,
and hands it to me.