Cross My Heart (40 page)

My eyes fill
with tears
.
I work
to steady my breathing. “I’m not. Because I do.
We have to end this
, Blake,” I say
,
shaky and uncertain
and trying to ignore the onlookers.
“
Us, I mean.
I’m sorry.”

His brows furrow.
“You’re
breaking up
with me? For
Parker Whalen
?”
He spits
out the name like it’s some kind of poison.

I apologize
again, reaching for the door.

“You know what?” he says
,
voice rising
, stepping back, confident
. “
It doesn’t even matter,
because we never
had
anything
.
”

I stop
, frozen
, my heart stuttering.

“
I was never yours
,
Jaden.
Never
.
You know . . .
I tried. I kept waiting for you. Holding on. Hoping you’d come around. But
I always took a back seat
. To your projects. To Harvard. It was always about you and what you wanted. I was temporary. Someone to
. . . to
pass the time with.
And n
o matter how hard I tried
I could never see any kind of future with you, because I knew, deep down, all you could see was that Harvard finish line. I knew you’d get in, break up with me, and then forget all about
us
.
And
what’s worse? I knew
it wouldn’t
even
bother
you.
I was never what you really wanted.
”

I
suck
in another breath
, the words paralyzing me
.

“I tried, Jaden, but it was never good enough.
You never gave us
half
the effort you put in
to every
thing
else.”
His eyes flash
, angry
.

And suddenly, I get it.
I get all of it.

The one thing I centered my
entire
life around . . . and it doesn’t even matter anymore. And in its place . . . nothing. There
was
no second place. Ever. No room for anyone or anything else.

Until now.

“
Where were you Saturday night?
”
I ask
, my voice low
.

He
stares at me, eyes cold
,
hard.
“
I was with the guys.
”

“
That
’
s it?
”

“
Yes, Jaden, that
’
s it. I was with th
e guys
. W
e grabbed some pizzas.
”
He laughs, shakes his head.
“
You know, that
’
s not it. We stopped by Vince
’
s. There wa
s a party, and we all went
. Because that
’
s what people
do
, Jaden. They go out, and they have
fun
. And you know? I felt bad about lying to you, but not anymore. Because after everything you
’
ve done, you
’
re no better than me right now.
”

Perfect people.

“I know,” I whisper
after a few, quiet moments
,
voice cracking with release, even as the
tears
threaten
to spill
over
.

“
And you can ask your
friend
how he knows I was th
ere
,
because he was there, too.
”

I
study Blake Hanson carefully before climbing
in
to
my car
, leaving
him behind,
reeling over what might be the worst break-up in human history.

I ca
t
c
h up with Parker in town.
I keep
my ey
e on him, following as he turns
down a country
highway, where he finally picks up speed. I do
n’t kn
ow where he’
s going, or if he
kno
w
s I’m
following. All I wa
nt i
s for him to stop so
I can tell him I’m
sorry.

He does
n’t s
top, though, not until he pulls
into the yard of an old, dilapidated singlewide trailer that sh
ould’ve collapsed
a decade ago. The yard
is
full of stuff—junk—
rusted cars
and old tires. Garbage bags
heaped
together in piles. The grass
overgrown and weeds and vines c
linging
to the outer walls, creeping
to the sky.
I’m sure that,
inside, there
are
pots and pans scattered throughout, ready to catch the drops of
rain
leaking
through the
brown,
spider-like cracks in the
water-stained
ceiling. The stench of a
lcohol and unwashed dishes.
Contents of cereal bowls turned fuzzy gray.
C
ans of beanie weenies and spam . . . lots of empty cans. 

Parker rips
off
his helmet.

I
step
i
nto the yard. “Parker!” I call
, slamming the car door.

He makes
his way up the front steps, ignoring me.

“Parker
, please
wait!” I beg
, following him.

He turns
around to face me
, eyes fierce
.
“
We’re not doing this, Jaden
.
”

“Is this about Blake? Because if it is I’m so . . .”

“This has nothing to do with him!” he interru
pts. He skips
down the steps, meeting
me
in the yard. His dark hair falls
into his eyes
,
his nose bruised and bleeding.

“The
n what’s the problem?” I shout, as if he can’t hear what I’m
saying,
though he
’s
stan
d
ing
two
feet in front of me. “Y
ou wanted to meet
me
, remember?” I remind
him. “What do you want to say to me, Parker?”

He remains
still for a moment
, motionless,
face white as he searches mine.

I
suck
in a quick breath, and wait
.

“I’m telling you that w
e’re over,” he finally confirms
.

The words slice through me, stinging. They leave
that quick,
gut-punch
f
eeling
in their wake. I let out a sarcastic laugh
, feeling a sudden burst of arrogance
. “What? What’s
over
? What have we started that you want finished?” I demand to know.

“We can’t do this,” he says
.

“We can’t do it? Or
you
can’t do it?” I ask
him. “Or maybe you don’t
want
to do it.”

He steps
back,
expression flat.

“Come on, Parker,” I continue
, with the vain hope that something I say will make
some kind of
difference
. “What’s the problem
? If you don’t like me then
tell me. If you don
’
t want us to go any further then fine, b
ut I’m going to tell you something: that’s n
ot what I want at all.” I
fold
my arms across my chest
, feeling a raw shiver skitter
up my spine
. “And run away all you want, but you can’t hide anything from me. So stop pretending like
none of this is a big deal.”

His brow evens
as his features relax, but he
does
n’t respond.

I laugh
again. “
I’m giving you the perfect out.
Our project is almost over, we’ll be graduating, and we’ll never s
ee each other
again. If t
hat’s what you want then say it
!”

T
he animosity returns.
His jaw tightens
. “That’s how it was supposed to be in
the first place,” he manage
s bitterly
,
his troubled
eyes locked to mine.

“So what happened?” I ask
, lifting my arms. “
I don’t understand.
What’
s the problem here?”

When he does
n’t answer,
I continue
. “I’ll tell you what happened. What happened is that
. . .
I fell in love with you, Parker
. That whole thing about timing? Y
ou were right: there is no such thing as perfect timing. And this is the worst timing ever, actually, because you’re going to go on, you’re going to graduate and leave. And that’
s fine, but I’m telling you,
right
now, at this moment, I
think . . . I
think
I
love
you.” My voice breaks, cracking
as I say the words
.
“
I love you more than I
’
ve ever loved . . .
anything
.
And
you have been on my mind for weeks.
And
being late
that day—you being my partner—i
s the best thing that ever happened to me.
And forgive me if I thought that maybe you felt the same way. Was I wrong thinking that?”

He
s
wipes
away the blood trickling from his
nose with th
e back of his hand
.

“You can at least give me that much, Parker. You can run away, you can hide forever, but look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me, first.”

He shakes his head, and looks
toward the gray, cloud-filled sky.
“I don’t love you,” he mutters
easily
.
“
I can
’
t.
”

“You didn’t even
look
at me and say it
!” I shout, infuriated. If he’
s going to
end things between us
, I deserve
to be told directly. “Look me in the eye, and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me. Or are you scared? You’re scared because maybe you
do
have feelings for me and
could
possibly want me as much as I want you.”

A
nother
cool
breeze
blows
between us
, raising goose
bumps on my arm
s
. I swallow, forcing the hard lump settling in the back of my throat away.
“You know
, I didn’t ask for this,” I go
on after a few, silent moments. “My life was a whole lot easier before you came along. It wasn’
t perfect, and yeah, it might’
ve been
boring
, but it was manageable. But you did come along, Parker, and I can’t ignore that. You can push me away, and try to forget anything ever happened between us, but I can tell you that
,
for me, something definitely happened. At least I’m being honest. You said you never told a l
ie: so tell me the truth
.”