Craving Absolution (19 page)

Farrah

I didn
’t move from the floor of the attic for a long time after Cody hung up on me. Something wasn’t right; there was just a little something off, and his “I love you” was a little too adamant. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I instinctively knew that after months of waiting, it was all coming to a head. And that terrified me.

For the first time in months, I stood and walked downstairs to my room
, intent on finding the perfect outfit. It was the only thing I could think of as I started to feel panicky, my emotions all over the place. I needed my things. I needed the comfort of preparing my hair and face, as if perfection on the outside would create calm on the inside.

The closet in my room had fill
ed up as I found more and more clothes that Lily had stored for decades. She was shorter than me, and I think she’d had bigger boobs when she was young, but most of the clothes she gave me fit pretty well. I hadn’t been wearing them, though, and I knew today wasn’t the day to start. I needed my own clothes.

I pulled out a 1950s thin
-strapped dress that flowed to my knees in little pleats, and brought it with me into the bathroom. It was a bit wrinkled from being stuffed behind Lily’s old clothes in the closet, which made me a little twitchy, but I hoped the steam from my shower would take care of the issue. I tried to clear my mind as the shower poured over me, but I didn’t succeed, and my hands were shaky as I applied thick black eyeliner above my lashes, forcing me to wipe it off and reapply it three times before I got it right.

To say that I was a mess by the time
I pulled my dress on would be an understatement. I was on the verge of tears, a situation that was so far from common it made me even more upset, and as I tried and failed to pull up the zipper at my side, I let out a frustrated screech.

What the fuck was going on with me? The fucking zipper wouldn
’t move more than an inch up my side, no matter how much I sucked in my belly. Beneath my armpit the dress gaped a good three inches, assuring me that it wasn’t going to close without cutting off my boobs.

I stormed out toward my room
, yelling at Gram that I was fine as she stood at the end of the hallway looking at me in confusion.
Goddamn son of a bitch
. The dress was too small. Okay, so I’d try another, even if that meant that I’d have to redo my makeup to match something new.

The next dress I tried didn
’t have a zipper, but wouldn’t pull down over my boobs or up over my hips. The one after that had buttons that wouldn’t close. I finally decided on a small halter that was stretchy enough to fit over the girls, but the high-waist shorts that went with it wouldn’t fucking button.

By the time I made it downstairs, my room a mess and my face sweaty, I was wearing a lime
-green pair of leggings and a Wham! T-shirt that hung off one shoulder. I’d thrown my hair into a side pony, and added a little blue eye shadow to my eyes and called it good, my irritation too far gone to make any more changes.

“
I’m having a fucking salad,” I announced as I walked into the kitchen. Gram and Lily were setting biscuits and gravy on the table, and my mouth watered as I walked right past them toward the fridge.

“
Why the hell would you do that?” Lily asked as she sat down.

“
Because eating your food is making it so I don’t fit into any of my freaking clothes,” I griped, searching for any type of greens I could find. “Where the fuck is the lettuce?”

Gram huffed as she sat down and started serving up three plates.
“Need to go grocery shopping. Unless you want to eat a cucumber I got from the garden this morning, you’re outta luck. Sit down so we can eat.”

I slammed the door shut, irritated as hell
, and stomped over to the table. The food smelled really good and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t hungry. “Nothing fits,” I announced, pulling my plate across the table. “I need to start being more careful or I’m gonna start busting out of Lily’s housedresses.”

I shoved a bite of food into my mouth and watched as Lily and Gram
’s concerned eyes met. “What?” I asked, my mouth still full.

“
Honey, if my food could make women grow breasts, I wouldn’t still be living in a broken-down old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. I’d be in a villa in Greece with a cabana boy feeding me grapes and fanning me with palm fronds,” Lily said, laying a paper napkin on her lap.

I swallowed my food in embarrassment and drew my own napkin onto my lap. I was eating like the little piglet Cody had called me when we first got together. It took a few moments for her words to sink in and when they did, I was confused.

“Huh?”

“
Darlin’, it ain’t the food that’s making your boobs and your belly grow,” Gram informed me, reaching out to grab the butter from the middle of the table.

They were speaking calmly as if about the weather, but there was some sort of undercurrent that I wasn
’t quite grasping. I looked from one to the other, trying to read their faces, but still couldn’t figure it out.

And then I did
, and I burst out laughing. “What?” I gasped. “I’m not pregnant!”

Gram scowled.
“You sure as hell are.”

“
No, I’m really not. I haven’t had a period in like three years. My shit doesn’t work right. No period, no getting pregnant.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“
You been to the doctor?” Lily asked cautiously, glancing at Gram and then back to me.

“
Well, not in a while, no. But when I went a couple years ago, he said I probably wasn’t ovulating because I had so little body fat. He thought it would probably correct itself if I ever got bigger, but it never did.” I looked between them, trying to make them understand. “I haven’t had a period in three years. I’m not pregnant.”

It was quiet at the table for a few moments, all of us looking at
one another, before Gram spoke.

“
Unless you got pregnant the first time you ovulated,” she told me seriously, making my stomach drop. “I know you, Farrah, and I know pregnancy. You’re pregnant.”

My chair screeched across the floor as I stood up, unable to remain sitting any longer.
“I haven’t seen Cody for
three months
! Who got me pregnant? Lily?”

Gram followed me from the table as Lily stayed in her seat, and I felt my skin grow hot and my fingers start to tingle as she began to speak.
“You’re further along than three months, darlin’. My guess is close to four. Not sure how you didn’t seem to have any morning sickness, but we’ve been watching you, baby girl. You’re getting thicker around the middle, not to mention your boobs.”

“
What?” I asked, my head feeling light. “How long have you been watching me? I don’t understand.”

“
Since about two weeks after Cody left. Something seemed different, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.”

“
Why haven’t you said anything?” My breath grew frantic as tears built in my eyes. “You just talked about me behind my back instead?”

“
You had to figure it out on your own, baby girl.” She took a step toward me, but I backed away. “I wasn’t sure at first, and then after you’d calmed down and seemed to be taking it easy here, I thought you’d figure it out.”

“
How the hell would I figure it out?” I yelled, wrapping my arms around my waist and digging my fingernails into my arms to anchor myself. “I haven’t had a period in three fucking years! It’s not like I could miss one and think, ‘Oh shit, Cody knocked me up!’”

“
You’re twenty-one years old, Farrah. Forgive me for believing that you’d know your own body,” she answered, turning back toward the table where Lily was wringing her hands.

I watched her sit back down at the table as if nothing had occurred, and my mind finally calmed.
It wasn’t her fault. Not at all. Did I wish she would have told me sooner? Of course. While I hadn’t smoked with Lily or had anything to drink in over four months, I also hadn’t been taking vitamins or any of that other shit that Callie had done when she was pregnant with Will.
Shit
. What foods were off-limits? Had I eaten anything I wasn’t supposed to?

As if like magic, my breathing slowed down to normal. It was as if this new development had wiped out any other concerns I
’d had because there wasn’t room in my mind for them. If Gram was right and I was pregnant, I had things to do. I needed to prepare. Shit, I was almost halfway done being pregnant already. I needed to go to the doctor; could I go to the doctor while we were hiding out?

My mind whirled with plans and questions as I stood silently in the middle of the kitchen, and after a while Lily stood from the table and gently led me back to my chair.

“You just sit right down and finish your dinner,” she ordered softly, kissing the side of my head as I sat.

I ate like a robot, silently and without any extra movements until I
’d cleared my plate. It wasn’t until I was finished that the most pressing issue made itself clear in my mind. I looked up and met Lily’s kind eyes across the table, and had to clear my throat before speaking.

“
Do you think you could go to the drugstore and get me a test? Just so we know for sure.”

“
We’ve got two in the bathroom cabinet,” Gram answered for her, reaching out to pat my hand. “Let’s have some ice cream first.”

She wasn
’t in any hurry because she knew without a doubt that I was carrying her great-grandchild.

A
nd had been for months.

Farrah

After peeing on a pregnancy test to prove Gram and Lily right, we spent most of the night curled up on her couches talking. They assumed that I was keyed up because of the baby, and I guess it was partly true
. But neither knew about my worry over Cody, or what I imagined happening while Gram knitted and Lily painstakingly sewed together small quilt pieces by hand. I’d been so immersed in my own little world while I was at Lily’s that I hadn’t noticed until that night that Lily’s quilt pattern was tiny, and Gram’s projects were being finished quickly.

They were making things for the baby. Things I
’d seen Will use but had never connected to the old women sitting next to me. Tiny beanies and booties and quilted pieces done in soft colors . . . all for a tiny little baby who hadn’t even made its arrival yet. It made me want to cry, or smile, or learn to do some of it myself. It made me ache that I’d never had things like that, precious little baby items that took hours to make and were given with love.

It was close to four a.m. before Lily and Gram headed off to bed, and I followed them
and said good night from my doorway. But I didn’t sleep. I crawled into bed and wrapped myself in my quilt, just lying there thinking until I saw the sun rise through my window. I was antsy with an emotion that I couldn’t name, and after a couple of hours, I wasn’t able to stay in bed any longer.

I dragged my quilt behind me as I walked quietly through the house, and ended up on the back porch in one of Lily
’s rockers. The rhythmic sound the curved rockers made against the wooden porch soothed me as I rocked back and forth, trying to imagine being a mother. My own mother had been so horrible that before I’d met Gram, I would have assumed that I’d screw it up somehow. I’d had no role model for good parenting, and the thought of doing some of the things my mother had done to me to my own child made me shudder.

Thankfully, as an adult I
’d had a couple of really good role models. Both Callie and Gram had taught me a lot about being a parent, whether you gave birth to someone or not. Unfortunately, that train of thought brought me back to the anguish on Vera’s face when she’d described losing me to Natasha. I couldn’t imagine just giving up on my child, or even think about Will going missing. What was it that made a person just stop looking? I didn’t understand it, not at all, but I think knowing that I was carrying my own child gave me a small glimpse into how I’d feel if it were suddenly gone.

It had been only hours since I
’d found out that the little thing was in there, and I was already completely enamored with it. Instead of a hypothetical child that I enjoyed the idea of, I already felt as if I knew him or her, as if he or she were already an integral part of me. I wondered what it looked like, if it would be dark like Cody or light like me, and if he or she would have Cody’s clear blue eyes or my darker cloudy ones.

My mind wandered through the different scenarios, boy or girl, dark or light, until I finally drift
ed off to sleep, my mind finally clear of my worry for Cody. He had to be okay; there was no other option because we were having a baby.

When I woke up from my nap, the sun was high in the sky and Gram was sitting next to me in the matching rocking chair. For once her hands weren
’t busy, and she sat still except for the movement of her feet that set the chair gently rocking.

“
Didn’t want you to fall out of that chair, so I figured I’d sit with you a while,” she said as I turned my head to face her. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“
No, I guess there was just too much going on in my head.”

“
I can understand that,” she said with a nod. “Big changes coming up for you. Cody too.”

“
Yeah, I’m not sure how he’s going to react.” I chuckled nervously, reaching down to rub what I’d thought was a result of Lily’s cooking. “We’ve always been pretty careful, you know? Even though I didn’t think I could get pregnant, we were still careful.”

“
All the precautions in the world ain’t gonna matter if it’s meant to be.”

“
Yeah, well, you might have to tell your grandson that after he passes out from shock,” I said ruefully.

“
Eh, I think my boy might surprise ya. Cody’s never been one to place blame on anyone but himself. Gets that from his father. I think his reaction will mirror your own, truth be told.” She leaned her head against the back of the rocker, and her voice dropped as we watched the mama deer and fawns come into the yard. “You tell him scared, like you’re worried about his reaction? He’ll worry right alongside you. You tell him with excitement—because that’s what this is, it’s exciting—well, I have a feeling that’s the reaction you’ll get out of him too. He takes his cues from you, darlin’, always has.”

“
I hope you’re right,” I said, trying to imagine Cody’s face when I told him the news. It
was
scary. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do the single parent thing. I could. And it wasn’t because I thought it would ever come to that; Cody would never walk away from his child. It was the knowledge that Gram might be right, that he’d pretend to feel however I was feeling, even if it was the last thing he wanted. That thought
killed
me.

“
Something feels off today, don’t it?” Gram asked suddenly, her eyes coming to mine. “Can’t put my finger on it. Just feels off.”

“
Yeah, I’ve been feeling the same way,” I replied, unsure whether I should burden her with my concerns about what was happening with the Aces.

“
Callie called me last night, said Grease was heading out with the boys. He told her to tell us so we’d be extra careful the next few days,” she said knowingly. “You talk to Cody?”

“
Yeah.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “I figured it was something like that, but he hadn’t told me.”

“
Probably didn’t want to worry ya,” she said.

“
You’re probably right,” I said, but that didn’t help the hurt feeling in my chest. “Wait, does Callie know I’m pregnant?” My raised voice carried over the field and the deer scampered off into the bushes.

“
Hell no! That’s your news to tell, darlin’.”

“
Oh, good.” I sighed. “I just think Cody should know first.”

“
You tell people as you see fit. Ain’t none of my business,” she assured me with a nod, reaching her hand out as I stood so I could pull her from the chair.

“
Do you think the baby’s going to be messed up since I haven’t taken any vitamins or anything?” I asked nervously as we walked into the house.

“
Nah, we didn’t take any of that crap and my boys were just fine. ’Course, back then we smoked too. No, she’ll be fine.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Lily’ll get you some vitamins when she goes to the store.”

“
You think it’s a girl?” I asked curiously.

“
Yeah, I’ve got a feeling.” She started taking things out for breakfast, slamming around the kitchen until Lily stumbled into the room.

“
What’s all that racket?” she yelled over the noise, her hair sticking up in fifty different directions.

“
Time for your lazy ass to wake up,” Gram informed her with a mischievous smile.

“
Shit, a woman needs her beauty sleep!” she retorted before turning to me. “How you doing, sweet cheeks?”

“
I’m okay. Wigging out a little, but okay.”

“
You should go on up and go through the green trunk in the attic while we make some brunch,” she said, patting my belly as she passed. “Pretty sure that’s the trunk with my old maternity clothes in it.”

“
No shit? Wait, you have kids?”

“
Had two, a girl and a boy, both gone now,” she answered stiffly. “You’ll probably find something in there that you can use. Go to town.”

“
You sure?”

“
When the hell am I going to wear it?”

By the tone of her voice, she was clearly done with the conversation, so I left her and Gram and raced into the attic. I was excited to see what she
’d kept that I could wear; vintage maternity clothes weren’t something I’d come across very often as I’d searched in old thrift stores. I spent close to an hour looking for the right trunk, and made three trips to my bedroom with my arms full of clothes to try on. It gave me something to keep my mind off Cody, and the fact that it was midafternoon and he still hadn’t called.

Later as I washed and dried dresses, jumpers
, and a pair of elastic-waisted bell-bottoms, I tried to ignore the fact that I still hadn’t heard from him, and Callie hadn’t heard from Grease either. It seemed everyone was in the dark as we waited.

I fell asleep that night worried out of my mind
, but too exhausted to stay awake a minute longer.

We still hadn
’t heard from the men.