Craving Absolution (28 page)

Casper

I paced the apartment that I
’d covered hours before in wildflowers, waiting for Farrah. I’d been a dick last night—shit, I’d been a dick for months.

I
’d had a long talk with Slider the night before, and he’d made me really think about the things I’d done over the past seven years. We’d talked about everything, even the shit that I hadn’t wanted to discuss. It had felt like some sort of biker version of Dr. Phil, but I couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t helped.

He
’d been right when he told me that I’d done everything I could. I had. I’d always done everything I could to make sure that my family was safe, even if had never been enough. That was the part I had to come to terms with, and I think I was figuring it out, at least a little.

I couldn
’t control everything that happened. It was fucking impossible. What I needed to do was control what I could and learn to let the other shit go, but that was easier said than done.

Dragon and Grease had come in at some point and added their stories to the mix
, things that they’d done to protect their families and brothers, and times that they’d fucked up big and had to move past. All of us talked about shit that we would have never spoken of otherwise, and I couldn’t help but be thankful that the guys who’d just seen me acting like a pussy and yelling at my woman seemed to know exactly where I was coming from.

We
’d eventually moved to the stuff that went down in Portland, and all the guys had given me shit for my guilt over Carmella. They’d yelled and cussed and slammed their hands down on the table as we’d debated, but at the end of the conversation one truth remained.

If I hadn
’t shot her, she would have pulled the trigger again and one of us would have died.

I
might have never met my daughter. Slider might not have ever fixed his relationship with Farrah. Dragon might not have gone home to his daughter and newborn son. The effects of that night if I hadn’t made the split-second decision to pull the trigger were endless and far reaching.

I knew that the decision I made was the right one, and now I just had to find a way to forgive myself for it. The first step in my plan was to tell Farrah everything without freaking out on her like I
’d done the night before. I’d been such an asshole, and I needed to come clean if I ever wanted to make things right with her.

Slider
had told me one last thing as he’d left early that morning.

“
You can’t control everything,” he’d said, “and you can’t live this life keepin’ shit separate. That ain’t never gonna work. You wanna build somethin’ with Farrah, you have to be willing to let her take some of the shit ridin’ on your shoulders. She’s your soft place, son. A man needs a soft place to land when life gets fucked.”

I thought more about what he’d said as I paced, and fuck it, but the man made sense. Running a hand over my head, I glanced at the time on my phone.

It was already noon, where the fuck was Farrah?

I dialed Slider, growing more freaked out as time went by.

“Slider,” he answered.

“
Hey, has Farrah left yet?” I asked, walking to the front door to look out at the parking lot.

“
What?” he asked quietly, his tone making my stomach drop.

“
Has Farrah left the club yet?” I asked again slowly as I deliberately picked my keys off the back of the couch.

“
Son, she left hours ago.”

“
What the fuck?” I slammed the door shut behind me as I moved toward my bike. Farrah never went anywhere for “hours” anymore. With Cecilia in cloth diapers and peeing every five seconds, Farrah would have run out of diapers early this morning if she was lucky.

“
Come on in, I’ll round up the boys and meet you here. It’s probably nothin’,” he told me, sounding like he was trying to convince himself.

“
On my way,” I barked, hanging up and trying to call Farrah before I started up my bike. Shit, I wished Gram wasn’t down at Aunt Lily’s for the weekend. Aunt Lily’s—why hadn’t I thought of that? My heart began to slow. Of course that was where she would have went. It made sense that she’d go to Gram after the blowup the night before.

I hung up when I got Farrah
’s voice mail, then immediately dialed Gram as I sat there on my bike. She answered right away.

“
Hey, Gram. Is Farrah with you?”

“
No . . .” The word was drawn out in question. “Should she be?”

“
She left the club this morning and never showed up at home. I thought maybe she would have come to you.” My voice wavered as panic hit once again, making my chest feel like it was going to cave in.

“
What’s going on, Cody?”

“
I’m not sure. We got in a fight last night, and I came home before her this morning to surprise her with flowers, but she never showed.” I tried not to let Gram hear the worry in my voice, but I’d never been able to fool her.

“
I’ll head home,” she replied. “You let me know when you find her.”

“
I will.”

I ended the call and slipped my phone in my pocket
, then fired up my bike.

She hadn
’t said
if
. She’d said
when
. I hoped to God she wasn’t wrong.

By the time I got to the club, the gates were open
and waiting for me, so I didn’t even slow as I passed the prospect standing guard. I’d traced her entire route between home and the club, and hadn’t seen her car anywhere. No signs of a recent wreck either. My stomach was in knots.

Slider, Poet, Doc,
Goliath, Grease, and Dragon were waiting for me in the forecourt as I pulled up.

“
Hear anything?” I asked, climbing off my bike.

“
Haven’t heard from Farrah, but got some info from Goliath.”

“
What’s up, man?” I asked the big guy with huge fists.

“
Saw your woman leavin’ this morning,” he informed me. “As she was puttin’ your baby in, Tommy and Cam walked up to the car and took off with her.”

“
Took off with her?”

“
Looked like they were asking her for a ride or somethin’,” he answered with a nod.

“
What the hell?” I mumbled, pulling out my phone again.

I called Cam, but he didn
’t answer. What the fuck was going on?

“
What do you wanna do, brother?” Grease asked, pulling his hair back into a knot on the back of his head. “Wanna ride out and start lookin’?”

Just then, my phone beeped in my pocket.
“It’s Cam.”

Cam
: Cant talk

My hands fumbled on the keypad as I text
ed him back.

Casper
:
Where are you?

Cam
: In the woods. Dad freked out. Has gun

Casper
:
Gotta give me more, little man.

Cam
: Drove N up I-5 took exit but not sure which 1. Dad says he bought prprty here

Casper
:
You guys okay?

Cam
: OK F feeding C. Dad scary.

Cam
: Cant talk nemore

Casper
:
What’s going on, Cam?

Casper
:
Cam?

Casper
:
You there, bud?

“
Shit, he’s not answering anymore!” I slid the phone back into my pocket before I crushed it in my hand. “Fuck! What the
fuck
is going on?”

“
Doc, call our contact at the police department. Find out what properties Tommy owns,” Slider barked, his eyes dead in his face. Then he looked around the group. “The fuck is going on around here?”

“
Has anyone noticed anything weird about Tommy lately?” Dragon asked the group.

“
You’re fucking joking, right?” Grease answered, throwing his hands in the air. “The man went off the fucking rails when Trish and the kids died.”

“
Been six months, brother,” Dragon replied quietly.

“
Doesn’t matter. Six months or six years, that’s gonna fuck a man up.”

“
Not sayin’ that it wouldn’t, just wonderin’ if anyone’s seen anything different lately,” Dragon said.

“
Nothing.”

“
Not more than usual.”

“
Nope.”

We stood there looking at
one another in confusion, and I knew we were missing something. There was some piece of the puzzle that we weren’t seeing.

Goddam
n it, why would Tommy take
Farrah
, of all people?

A
nd where the fuck were they?

Farrah

“
You know, I think this worked out good,” Tommy told me as I held Cecilia close to my chest. “Carmella was a little bit loco, ya know? Don’t think she woulda been a good mama to my boy. Too worried about making me president of the Aces.” He snorted. “Me, president.”

“
You didn’t want to be president?” I asked quietly, shifting my gaze to Cameron and then back to Tommy.

“
Hell, no. What a fuckin’ headache. Didn’t mind where I was at, but I did want Carmella to be happy,” he answered with a shrug of his shoulders. “Why don’t ya put the baby down? She’s sleepin’.”

My heart started to thump hard in my chest as I reached down to check Cecilia
’s diaper. “She’s wet. I need to change her first or these cloth diapers give her a rash,” I told him calmly, welcoming the way my old mask slid into place.

“
Well, change her then,” he snapped, irritated.

“
Hey, Cam? Can you hand me a diaper? The ones at the bottom that you need pins for,” I told him, meeting his eyes for the first time since his dad had forced him to look at me. “Don’t forget the pins.”

He nodded slowly and reached down to grab the diaper bag off the floorboard
, then I turned away from him and focused on Tommy.

“
Did Trish ever use cloth diapers?” I asked conversationally, rubbing Cecilia’s back lightly.

“
Nah, she used the disposable ones. Less mess that way,” he answered, eyeballing Cecilia’s cloth-covered bottom. “You make those?”

“
No, you can buy them in the store,” I replied, staying focused on him as Cam moved around in the backseat.

Tommy leaned forward to grab the gun from the dashboard
, and my stomach lurched into my throat. “You have to wash them and shit? Seems like that’d be pretty—”

His words stopped short as a loud bang filled the car, the scent of cordite and blood filling the air as I watched blood explode from
Tommy’s throat and splatter all over Cecilia and my naked chest. His eyes met mine and went blank a second later.

My head swung to Cameron as Cecilia
let out a bloodcurdling cry. He was sitting in the backseat, his face filled with horror, and my .45 lying limply in his hand.

“
Out!” I shouted, my breath wheezing in and out of my chest. “Out of the car!”

I fumbled with the door handle, finally grasping it and practically spilling out of the car as the door opened. Black spots danced in my vision.

You can breathe. Your body is just playing tricks on you. You can breathe.

I wheezed, falling to my knees as I held Cecilia close to my chest.
Holy fuck
.
Oh God
. Cameron.

When I
’d directed him to grab the diapers, I’d prayed that he’d find my handgun hidden at the bottom of the diaper bag. As I’d held Tommy’s attention, I’d waited for Cam to hand me the thick flat diaper, hoping the gun would be hidden in the folds.

Christ. I
’d never expected him to shoot his dad. God, I would have never asked that of him.

“
Farrah!” Cameron yelled, racing around the car to me. “Are you okay?”

T
ears rolled down his face and his hands were shaking as he set the gun down next to me. “I-I’m sorry!” he said and sobbed. “I didn’t know he was gonna do that, I swear!”

“
Oh, buddy, no,” I said, wheezing as I reached out to grab his hand while Cecilia wailed between us. “This was not your fault. Are you okay?”

I searched his face and arms for sign
s of any damage, then caught him as he wrapped his arms around me and the baby.

“
I didn’t know what to do!” he wailed into my shoulder, snot and tears running down my back. “I didn’t know what to do!”

“
You did exactly right, bud. You did exactly what you had to do.” I spoke softly, reassuring him as Cecilia found my nipple and eventually quieted. “But we need to get out of here, Cam. We can’t stay here.”

“
Oh!” He leaned back and gasped. Then his face turned as red as a tomato, and he whipped his head to look in the opposite direction. I guess he realized I still didn’t have a shirt on.

“
Here, take this,” he called over his shoulder, ripping his plain black T-shirt over his head.

I caught it as he flung it at me
, then glanced around, trying to find a place where I could put the baby. “You’re gonna have to hold CeeCee,” I said, tapping him on the back as I used the shirt to cover my breasts. “Here, I’m covered and she’s sleeping.”

He turned back toward me, avoiding my eyes
as he gently took Cecilia into his arms, then immediately turned away again. “Your panic attack stopped.”

“
Huh,” I said, pulling the sweaty T-shirt over my head. “Well, don’t bring it up again or it’ll sure as shit come back. Okay, I’m covered.”

He turned to me and we stared at each other silently, kneeling in the middle of the gravel
-covered clearing. “You have your phone?” I asked.

“
Yeah! Yeah, it’s in my pocket. Casper called and I texted him back,” he replied, handing me his phone.

“
You did? What did he say?” I opened up the phone to three new texts from Cody, and tears filled my eyes. Thank God.

“
He wanted to know where we were and if we were okay.”

I nodded and pulled up Cameron
’s recent call list, hitting the contact for Casper before bringing the phone to my ear.

“
Hey, baby,” I whispered. “It’s me.”

Then I burst into loud
, gut-wrenching sobs.