CORAL (A Romance Trilogy, Book 1) (24 page)

As the fear starts to ebb away,
the anger starts to take over which quickly turns to tears, like my anger is
directly attached to my tear ducts, I fight back at it. Then I think about what
George has said over and over again, to let it all out, to cry if I need to, so
I do.

Heavy, wreaking sobs burst out of
me. I let my body go limp, my torso hitting the bathroom floor, my cheek
against the cold tiling. I’ve never allowed myself to cry about it before; I’ve
never let it out - I cry and cry and cry; I don’t seem to be able to stop.
Oh
when will this end?...

I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG
I’m
there for, but as the tears die down, I slowly become aware of the movie that’s
still playing; I hear gunshots, shouting, Liam Neeson no doubt kicking the shit
out of someone. The pain starts to wash away as well as the anger and the fear,
but now I feel really cold and dirty – I need a shower.

I sit
up, and pull my legs up to my torso, wrapping my arms around my knees to try
and generate some heat, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Why am I so cold? I
wonder for a moment if I’m actually becoming hypothermic?
Not good!

I quickly stand, my muscles
protesting and turn on the shower, my teeth are chattering like crazy, my body
is actually starting to feel painful. Why? Why am I so cold?

It suddenly dawns on me,
air-conditioner! – I run into the living room, which is so cold you can see my
breath and switch it off. Jesus! It’s like the god damn Arctic Circle in here,
Christ! At least I know it works! – I roll my eyes at my own stupidity and head
back into the bathroom. Stepping into the shower, fully clothed, I crouch down
onto the floor, letting the hot water cascade all over me. I grip my arms
around my legs and pull in tighter.

Slowly but surely, the shivering
dies off and my teeth stop chattering. When I’m satisfied that I’m warm enough
I slowly stand, making sure all my muscles are working properly and strip my
wet clothing from me. I decide to leave them in the shower; I can't be dealing
with them now, all I want is my bed and sleep; no nightmares.

I step out the shower, wrap a
towel around my head, then one around my body, pulling it tight to keep the
warmth in. I quickly dry myself off, rubbing my skin harshly so the blood keeps
pumping. Then I dash upstairs and pull out my winter pyjamas. Quickly dressing,
I grab my hairdryer and blast my hair on the hottest setting; it doesn’t take
long to dry.

Moments later, I am back
downstairs with my wet towels. In a daze, I reach the bathroom and hang them up
to dry, then I go to the patio door, un-lock it, and open it a little, letting
the warm breeze flow into the studio and warm it back up.

My head is still banging, so I
decide to take some Nurofen. I walk over to the cupboard under the sink and
fall to my knees, I still feel so weak; I guess that’s having no food in my
system. I find my little medicine box and open it up, and there staring at me
is a brand new bottle of Night Nurse. I always have some just in-case I catch
something in the winter, it’s really good at knocking you out so you don’t wake
up coughing or sneezing. Which give me an idea!

I know I shouldn’t, but I do - I
grab the bottle, snap of the plastic safety cap, twist the top of and take
several glugs, it actually tastes quiet nice and soothes my burning lungs from
being sick so much. I know I shouldn’t take it for any other reason than
sickness, but I’ll do anything not to re-live that, I don’t want another
nightmare about it, I don’t think I could take it.

Figuring I have about half an
hour before it kicks in, I decide to eat the rest of my pizza, I carefully
reheat it in the microwave, and grab a carton of coconut milk – very good at
settling the stomach – and curl up on the sofa.

I eat and drink in a daze, barely
aware of the film still playing. When I’m done, I lock up and take my sorry ass
up to bed...

I WAKE UP ABSOLUTELY SWELTERING
; the sun has risen and is blasting through the studio. I must have
climbed into bed last night with my P’J’s still on and my king size quilt is
completely wrapped around me. I quickly scramble up, kicking my feet to free
myself of this unbearable heat.
Oh my god, I’m melting!

I decide to try the air-con out
again, but this time on a lower setting. Running down the stairs, I turn it on
low and feel it start to cool the room, then I tip toe back upstairs. As I
reach my bed I glance at my alarm clock. 5.04am, only another couple of hours
to go and I’ll be swimming.

I strip my P’J’s and leave them
on the floor –
Boy I’m getting untidy!
– And get back into bed, as I do,
I have to smile – No nightmares, a restful sleep, I feel so much better for it.

I turn on my side to go back to
sleep, five minutes later I am turning on my other side. Five minutes after
that I am flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. All I am seeing every time
I close my eyes are images of Tristan, the way he looks at me, how his eyes
light up, his mannerisms, his thick dark hair, his soulful eyes, his protective
way around me.

I shake my head at myself and run
my hand through my hair, trying as hard as I can to hide the stupid grin that
is spreading across my face. Joyce is going to think I’m a complete lunatic
walking around smiling all day, I hardly ever smile at work –
Oh! That’s not
good!

I wonder for a second if I
actually come across as a miserable cow that everyone avoids? I mean, none of
the other secretaries have ever offered for me to go out to lunch with them?
And I know they all get together once a month on a Friday for a girls night
out, not invited me to that either! I snort, wouldn’t go anyway! –
Precisely
so what are you going on about Coral?

Feeling too hyped up to sleep, I
decide to go for an early morning run on the beach. Dressing in my training
gear I head downstairs, clean my teeth, wash my face, and for a fleeting moment
I stare back at the woman in the mirror, I don’t look so good –
Shit!

Look at the state of my eyes.
They are so puffy that I don’t think I’ll be able to wear any mascara today –
Great!
That’s it! No more stupid crying, especially if this is what it does to you –
Oh
no!
Joyce is going to know I’ve been crying, which means she’ll call
Gladys, I know she will, and then Gladys will call me and she’ll be all upset –
Double Crap!

As I turn to head out the
bathroom, I spy my wet clothing still in the shower and I’m instantly reminded
of why they are there – I still myself and close my eyes –
It’s ok, he can't
hurt you, he’s gone he’s not here!

I take a deep breath in, then
exhale slowly as though I’m blowing the memory out of me, another trick from
good old George! Bending down, I pick up my soaked clothing, squeezing as much
water out of them as I can, and decide to hang them outside on the railing, they
shouldn’t take too long to dry in the sunshine.

AS I PACE ALONG THE BEACH
my mind wonders over everything that’s happened over the past couple of days. Honestly
I’m dreading Friday, I don’t want to have to tell George anything, but on the
flip side, I know I need help, I can't keep letting it haunt me. I push the
thought away and pace harder, the sun is already scorching, almost burning my
bare shoulders and I’m sweating buckets.

I stop for a while before I do
another sprint and stare at the ocean, watching the waves rolling in and out. I
wish I could be like a wave, each one completely different from the one before,
everything new and fresh. I inhale deeply, I love the smell of the sea, it’s
the best smell In the world – well it was until –
Stop!
– Don’t think
about him, I chastise.

I decide to have a pit stop and
sit down on the pebbles. I pause my MP3 player which has been blaring Funhouse;
my favourite pink album, and place it down in front of me. As I sit there
assessing my emotions, the one that seems to be the most prominent is anger, so
I decide to question it.
Ok, so why am I angry?

Well I guess I’m pissed Joyce is
leaving, I’ll miss her like crazy, I love working for her. But more importantly,
I’ll be losing a family member, a beloved aunty, and I’ve already lost a
beloved uncle. Tears prick my eyes; just thinking about John’s funeral is
enough to make me start blubbering again. God knows how Joyce is feeling -
What
else?

I search the inner recesses of my
mind nothing seems to come up about Tristan that’s making me angry so I move on
–
Gladys?

Yep definitely pissed about that,
even though I know I shouldn’t be, but why am I? Ok so weirdly enough I think
there’s a little jealousy going on there –
Why?

I shake my head at myself,
because deep down inside I know it’s because I feel like it’s the wrong way round.
Surely it should be the kids getting married first, like...well, it should be
me getting hitched and not Gladys. It should be me finding the one, not Gladys
–
That’s ridiculous!
I castigate myself harshly –
Be happy for her
Coral, it’s not her problem you’re a fuck-up who hasn’t
...I stop myself
there –
Ok so get rid of the stupid jealousy! I nod in agreement with
myself.

Squinting my eyes from the glare
of the sun, I stare out onto the sparkling ocean and take another deep breath
before continuing –
What else?

I sigh heavily, life is changing.
I evidently can't let myself in with my key anymore – The kitchen scene from
last night at Gladys’s comes brightly and vividly into my mind’s eye.
Ew!
I immediately try to replace it, takes a while. I think it will haunt me
forever!

But most importantly, I won’t see
Gladys every day. I won’t be able to hug her, or laugh with her, have a lazy
Sunday roast or…I sniff loudly, and swipe at my tears.
Stupid god damn
tears! Why the hell am I crying so much?

Ok, so I’ll miss her, like crazy,
like I wouldn’t believe. I already do and she hasn’t even gone yet – so I
assess again.
What’s so bad about her moving away, what am I so afraid of?

Pain! – The answer is clear and
immediate. I don’t want the pain and the heartache I already know I’m going to
endure when she’s gone. The emptiness, the hollow feeling that I have no family
because I know that’s how it’s going to feel. Just like it did when I no longer
had either parent –
Assholes! –
I take a moment to calm myself down –
Anything
else?

Of course, Gladys is getting
hitched. When Debs got hitched I was a bridesmaid for her, after months and
months of her begging me to do it –
“You are my sister, my best friend. The
one person in the world I will always love above all others. Please baby sis,
do it for me”
Her constant whining had me crumbling in the end and I wore
her stupid dress. Actually, it was a very beautiful dress, midnight satin blue,
fitted bodice and deep flowing skirt – I still have it, that’s how much I liked
it, but I didn’t like wearing it –
Oh ok, so that’s pissing you off too!

I have an epiphany! - I do want
to wear skirts and dresses. I always push it off like it doesn’t really bother
me, but it does. I want to feel pretty and feminine without the trembling body
and the hyperventilating that goes with it, I just want to feel normal. Ok,
this is good, this is progress, and definitely something I should discuss
further with George on Friday.

I swallow hard, it’s nerve
wrecking just thinking about it, and I have no idea why, but Susannah comes
into my mind’s eye with her pencil skirt that’s so tight it looks like it’s
been painted on, bet her husband loves that.
Fuck!
– Men do like all
that kind of stuff, sexy dresses, skirts and heels.

Tristan’s face comes into my
mind. I can't help wondering if he’s a skirt and heels man? – I shake the
thought away –
Concentrate Coral!

Ok so I’ve got the heels part
down to a T, seriously if I buy anymore heels I’ll need to start renting a
garage to store them all in - Just need to sort out the skirt and dresses part.
Feeling satisfied that I’ve run through everything that I need to, and feeling
less angry and fearful about it all, I pop my headphones back in. I still can’t
believe I caught Gladys in the kitchen smoking a joint and doing the deed with
a guy, sounds more like what a teenager would be up to rather than a woman in
her sixties. I giggle aloud and stand up, ready to take my next sprint -
God
life is so strange!

GETTING BACK TO THE STUDIO
after being out in the hot morning sunshine and not sweltering to
death was, quite frankly, wonderful. I have to find some way to really thank
Tristan. And I’m also quiet astonished with myself for not thinking about
getting one anyway. Why melt when you can be cool? I hear Tristan’s voice echo
in my head
“The joys of technology”
– Indeed I couldn’t agree more…

AS I HEAD OUT THE PATIO DOOR
for my walk to work, I see Bob’s already out there with his morning
paper.

“Hey Bob.” I chirp cheerily as I
lock the patio door.

“Morning, Coral.” He actually
pulls his paper down and smiles at me. I am grateful my sunglasses are hiding
my puffy eyes.

“Bob, would you like to come out
for the day on Saturday?”

“With you?” He asks a little
shocked.

“Yes,” I chuckle.

“Any man that says no to you is a
fool,” he croons. “If I was your age, you’d be in trouble young lady.” I raise
my eyebrows at this little declaration.

“Thanks Bob,” I chuckle. “But
it’s not just me, it’s for my niece’s birthday. Rob, Carlos, Gladys and Joyce;
they’ll all be there.” He’s met them all before at Christmas and at Gladys’s
Sunday roasts, he shakes his head at me. “Too noisy?” I ask.

“How old is she?” He grumbles.

I swallow hard. “Five.” I answer,
and try not to think about what happened to me at that age.

“Means I have to go shopping get
her a present,” he grumbles. “I hate shopping.”

“No you don’t,” I chortle. “I’ll
get it for you. That’s what I’m doing on my lunch today. So will you come? It’ll
be a fun day out!” I can see it’s not working. “Gladys hasn’t seen you since
Easter, and you keep saying no to her Sunday roasts. I think she’ll be very
upset if you don’t come along,” I say. “And so will I.” I add sweetly. And that
does it, his blue eyes sparkle and I know I have him.

“Alright then,” he drawls.

“Excellent.” I beam, and kiss him
goodbye, his cheeks flush as usual. I can't help chuckling as I walk away.

I SIT AT MY DESK
eating my
muesli, as usual I am early, but this morning I am especially early. After
running for so long I decided to ditch swimming, I didn’t really want to do
both, but I’ll get back to it tomorrow. Besides, I think I needed it, the fresh
sea air, the sun on my face – the time to think and assess. And when I
attempted to put some makeup on, I could see my shoulders had caught the sun;
in-fact, if it’s still this nice on Sunday, I may take my butt off to the beach
for the day, catch some rays. I rarely sunbathe, I get too bored.

Tristan comes to mind again. I
don’t understand why I keep thinking of him, he keeps randomly popping into my
head. I know I’m denying it to myself, well trying as best I can to deny it,
but the truth is, I miss him. I miss his face, his smile, his smell. I decide
to go onto the Google page I saved. I click it open and all his pictures fill
my screen, I swallow hard.

What is it about this guy that’s
got me feeling so twisted up inside? I feel like there’s an eternal battle
raging. Staring at one of the photos, I feel my stomach swarm with butterflies.
I instantly lose my appetite – “Coral?” I turn and see Joyce stood there
staring at me with her mouth half open. I finish chewing, swallow hard and as
quickly and discreetly as I can, I close the page.

“Yes,” I whisper back wondering
what I must have done wrong for her to be looking at me like that.

“Come into my office.” She
orders, her face stern. I put down my muesli and follow her in. “Shut the
door.” She tells me, so I do –
What have I done now?
I wonder for a
moment if Tristan had made it all up yesterday and I was supposed to be in
work. Joyce puts her briefcase and handbag down, then turns to me with her hand
on her hips, scrutinizing me.

“What on earth has happened?” She
asks.

I look from left to right trying
to get my brain to find the right answer. “Um...I’m not really sure what you
mean Joyce?”

“Your face?” She says.

“Huh?” I quickly pat my face with
my hands. Have I got muesli on my cheek or something?

“How long Coral?”
Ok, I’m
getting annoyed now.

“Joyce, I’m sorry but you’ve
really lost me?” I answer incredulously.

She sighs and shakes her head at
me. “Follow me.” I frown back at her, but do as she says and follow her out of
her office, down the corridor, past the restrooms and straight into the bespoke
kitchen. “Sit down.” She tells me sternly pointing to one of the breakfast
stools. I silently do as I’m asked and watch as she marches over to the fridge
and pulls the door open. “Tell me you already know this one Coral?” She says as
she takes out a cucumber.