CORAL (A Romance Trilogy, Book 1) (23 page)

“Ok, I’ll think about it.” I
sniff loudly then laugh at the sound I made.

“That’s good Coral, seeing life as
a silly funny game, is far more productive than seeing it as a set of scary
dramas that you have no control over.” And there’s that word again – Control. I
remember asking Tristan if he is a control freak, when in actual fact, it’s
probably me.

“George, am I a control freak?”

“Well, in the general terms of
the saying, yes I would class you as one. You crave control in your life.” I
nod feeling stupid that I asked Tristan if he was one when he clearly is not!
Stupid-ass
Coral!

“But you’re not a freak Coral,”
he admonishes. “So let’s work through it all. Your job is safe, it may change
somewhat in the work you are asked to do, but you feel confident in that?” I
nod.

“Good. Tristan, well he’s
completely up to you. But I would go with letting him in, telling him what
happened.” I bite my lip, just thinking about that conversation has me feeling
nervous. “Take your time with your decision Coral, there’s no rush.” I nod
knowing he’s right. “Gladys, talk to her. Tell her how you really feel or brave
it all and let her go.” I nod knowing I’m going to have to do one or the other.
The trouble is which one?

“Ok, so let’s end with a high.”
George adds.

“I had a great night out with Rob
last night,” I chuckle remembering our terrible singing. “Did get a little too
drunk though,” I add feeling dog tired.

“Good, having fun with your
friends is imperative.” George tells me.

“I have Lily’s birthday party
this weekend, and Gladys and Malcolm are taking me out tomorrow night, to meet
under better circumstances, they already have wedding plans.” I roll my eyes at
that one. I really hope Gladys doesn’t ask me to be bridesmaid.

“Good, lots of enjoyable events
to look forward to.” George says.

“Yep,” I sigh heavily.

George narrows his eyes at me.
“Ok, so what’s really on your mind Coral?”

I feel all the air leave me. “I
don’t think I can do it again,” I whisper. “I keep having nightmares, not all
the time, just when...” I drift off.

“Do what again Coral?” George
asks softly.

“Have sex.” I tremble, my hands
clenching into fists.

“Why ever not?” George asks,
astonished. I squeeze my eyes shut. I’ve almost told George so many times, then
chickened out. “Because of Justin?” He prompts.

I shake my head. “Then what
Coral?” He questions.

I open my eyes and stare out of
the window, trying to block out the memory, the feelings, but it’s no good - My
stomach rolls, and I know I’m going to be sick –
Shit!

I slap my hand to my mouth, dash
up out of my seat and run flat out for the bathroom, flinging the door open I
run to the toilet and vomit; over and over again, until all I’m left with is
dry retching. When it finally ends I flush the toilet and head over to the
sink. As I’m washing my mouth out with water, I hear George softly tap the
door.

“Coral?”

“I’m ok.” I answer and take
several gulps off water.

“Can I come in?” George asks
softly.

“I’m coming.” I answer and head
out the door. I turn to the right, to follow George back to his office and lose
my balance; my head feels so woozy. George quickly catches me, then puts his
arm around my waist and leads me back into his office, sitting me down he hands
me a glass of water.

“Thanks.” I croak my throat
feeling burned.
Stupid Coral!
I’m never drinking again when I have
George the next day. Hangover, no food, hot weather, finding Gladys with a man,
and Tristan making me feel all funny is not a good combination.

George sighs heavily and sits
down opposite me. “Coral, why do I get the feeling I don’t know everything?
That you’re holding something back?”

I frown deeply, staring at the
glass in my hand. “I made a mistake.” I tell him.
And it was a mistake, a
huge mistake!

“We all do.” George offers.

“A stupid one, one that cost
me...” I add.

“And the mistake is?” George
asks. I shake my head again. I don't want to talk about it. “Coral, I can’t
help you if you don’t’ – “I can't ok!” I shout. George is silent, he knows how
to deal with my little outbursts. “I’ve got to go!” I tell him, quickly
scrambling up to my feet.

“Coral,” he admonishes. “You know
you shouldn’t’ – “I know.” I stop and stare back at him. Shouldn’t leave a
session on a downer, it should always be an upper. “George.” I whisper.

“Yes.” He answers softly.

“One day.” I tell him. George
nods silently. I know he knows what I mean, that I’ll tell him when I’m ready.

“See you next Tuesday then?” He
asks.

“Actually, with everything going
on I was going to ask...I feel bad though...” I say, my hands twisting together
anxiously.

George smiles broadly at me. “You
want another session?” he says.

I nod in agreement. “You don’t
have to George, you’re retired for goodness sake, you shouldn’t have to....” I
sigh heavily.
Why oh why do I always feel guilty - about everything?

“It’s absolutely fine Coral.”

“Really?” I squeak.

George looks solemnly at me
again. “I’ll agree on one condition.”

“You want me to tell you.” I
guess. “Ready or not?”

“Yes,” he answers sternly.
“That’s my condition.” I actually think twice about it for a second, then I
think about the amount of things going on and how much better I feel having
someone to talk it all through with, someone that doesn’t think I’m a lunatic.

“Ok.” I sigh.

“Good.” I look up at George again,
he looks mad.
Great!
“I have to say Coral, I’m not very pleased that
there’s something you’ve kept from me.” He says, spookily answering my
thoughts.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Well, I suppose, whatever it is
I’ll soon hear about it.” I frown again and feel my lips clamp together. “Right
then, this week or next?” He asks sharply.

Oh which lonely evening shall
I pick?

“Can you...this Friday?” I ask my
voice barely audible. “I finish early at 4pm.”

“I’ll see you here 4.15 sharp.”
He tells me.

I tremble inside. “Ok, thank you
George.” I whisper and turn to walk out of his office.

“Coral.” I look back at him, he
sighs heavily, pinches his nose for a moment, then puts his glasses back on. “I
want you to forget about what you’re going to tell me, and focus Coral, focus
on what we have talked about today. Think about talking to Gladys and Tristan,
concentrate on that.” He softly says.

“Sure doc.” I answer numbly, my
mind already elsewhere…

AS I HEAD SOUTH DOWN WILSON AVENUE,
in the direction of the Marina, I feel like I’m in someone else’s
body. Like someone else is making my feet take step after step. I feel better
after talking to George, but if I’m completely honest with myself, I still feel
a little shell shocked. I can't quite get my head around the fact that Gladys
is re-marrying.

And as for her moving away…As
much as I know she isn’t purposely doing it, I feel as though she’s abandoning
me, which is completely ridiculous; I am a thirty year old grown woman. I
should be able to deal with life’s ups and downs by myself now, and I should be
living a life of my own, as most people do, away from their parents.

Most people at my age have
husbands and wives and children...but all that just seems so impossible for me
to even attempt to do. I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing but fears,
insecurities and zero self-esteem…

Without realising it, I find
myself standing outside Pizza-Express staring blankly ahead. Then I hear my
stomach rumble and I realise I have been subconsciously heading here for
comfort food. I think back to what I’ve actually eaten today? Muffin for
breakfast, I didn’t really eat much salad at lunch...Hmm.

Deep down I know I really
shouldn’t, its naughty food, but I have nothing in the house that I fancy. I turn
and face the Restaurant, and as I do I see it’s packed outside, I hadn’t even
heard the low rumble of people talking, laughing, knives and forks clicking against
plates. I sigh heavily and make my way inside…

TWENTY MINUTES LATER
I am
back at my studio. I go straight to the oven switch it on low, and place my
pizza inside to keep warm while I change, then I turn the air-conditioning unit
on to cool the studio down. As I stand in front of it thinking about Tristan,
tears pool in my eyes, making my vision blurry –
Holy crap!
For the
first time in twenty five years, I am crying?

I really don’t understand it, why
I’m feeling so emotional. I’m never like this? Shaking my head at myself and
dashing the tears away, I slowly make my way up the stairs, one foot in front
of the other; my legs feel like they have lead weights attached to them.

I head for my closet, pull out a
pair of sweats and change into them. Then I make my way back down the stairs
and go straight into the bathroom. In a daze, I wash my face and clean my teeth
as my mouth still feels rancid from being sick.

When I’m done I stare at myself
in the mirror, I can see it right there behind my eyes – the fear. I can feel
it building within me. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to push it away. I shiver
slightly, I don’t think I can take any nightmares tonight. Maybe I should have
a glass of wine before I eat, it might help me relax and sleep better, no nightmares?

AN HOUR LATER
I have had
two glasses of cold chardonnay and half the pizza. I am lying on the sofa
watching the movie Taken – I love that Liam Neeson is a kick-ass Dad who’ll do
anything to protect and save his baby girl –
Why couldn’t I have got a Dad
like that?

I quickly push that thought away.
Normally if I watch a movie, it’s a romance. Crazy right, fucked up girl who
can't stand men, can't have a relationship, yet she’s a born romantic? –
I’m
so fucked!

I stare back at the screen, not
wanting to go down that line and try to clear my head. I get a flash image of
Tristan, standing in the car park with me, telling me he’ll protect me, no
matter what. I grit my teeth and try to blank him out – I don’t want to be
reminded of Tristan. I don’t want to think about anything, I just want all my
thoughts to disappear, to go away....

I AM DREAMING I’M IN A HOTEL
. Someone is with me, I turn around to see who it is and I’m
instantly filled with dread and fear – It’s not a dream but a memory, reliving
itself.
Coral get out, wake up!
I try to run but my legs don’t make a
move.
No! Not him!

He is smiling at me, a look of
approval stretched across his face; he is leading me into his hotel room, just
for a drink he said. He is kissing me and getting forceful, aggressive, my
worst nightmare come true…I don’t understand? Why is he doing this, he likes
me, we have something special going on? He told me so. We’ve spent hours
together, no sign of this ever happening!

“No!”
I tell him as he tries to squeeze my breasts, grab my ass.

“Yes!”
He growls. And this is my warning; this is my cue that it’s all
going horribly wrong.

“I said No!”
I bawl totally incensed. I try to push him away, but he’s too
strong. He grabs my hands and pins them behind me, in an instant he has picked
me up and thrown me onto the bed, covering me with the weight of his body. He
rips my t-shirt as he pulls it up and yanks my breasts free from my bra.

“No!”
I shout - I am now in full scale panic mode - I try to get my hands
free as I kick at him and frantically buck my body up and down in an attempt to
get him off me. It doesn’t work - he raises his arm, his fist clenched and
brings it down, hard, slamming it into my right cheek. I see stars; my eyes are
trying to roll into the back of my head. I feel like I’m going to pass out...

I WAKE UP GASPING FOR AIR
–
Fuck!
– I can’t breathe. I fall from the sofa onto the floor trying to
get some air into my lungs, my head is banging, my body shivering, my heart is
hammering so fast and heavy against my chest, I think I’m having a heart attack
–
Get out of my head!
– I scream internally.

My stomach
rolls, the memory is still reliving itself, he’s ripping my clothes off –
Oh
fuck not again! –
I run to the bathroom and vomit, violently –
Oh God!
Please help me, make it go away please I’ll do anything…

The dry heaves eventually stop. I
curl up next to the toilet shivering, I’m so cold. My muscles are still in
spasm, my fists clenched tight and in that moment all I want to do is call
Tristan and have him come sit with me, hold me tight, warm me up and make it go
away, make me feel safe. But it’s impossible, I know it is – Why the hell would
he want this?