Conflicted (10 page)

“What did I say wrong?”
she asked, as I went to stand up. “Whatever it was, I’m sorry,” she said with tears forming in her eyes. It was enough for me to snap back to reality.

“Britt, it’s nothing you said. I just don’t like talking about my family. It’s a
very long, sad story that I’d rather not taint you with. Maybe one day, but I don’t like talking about it.”

“I understand,” she said, still visibly upset. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.”

Taking her glasses off, she wiped the tears away from under her eyes with the napkin. I felt like shit. First Tyler and Kelsey, then Joss, and now Brittany.

“Maybe we can do this again sometime?”
I offered, praying I didn’t scare her off by snapping like I did.

“Sure, I’d like that
.”

I reached for her hand. “Where’d you park? I’ll walk you. It’s dark out
and you never know who’s going to be stumbling out of bars.”

She seemed hesitant. “That’s okay. I’ll be
fine. You’re all the way on the other side anyway.”

“I won’t be able to sleep tonight if you don’t let me know that you at least got to your car safely.”

“I appreciate it, but it’s really not necessary.”

Now she was the one getting a little agitated about the whole thing, which was probably from me being a dick five minutes earlier.
However, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. As we made our way through the restaurant to the street, I waited for her to lead the way. She didn’t look happy, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why.

We had to have walked five blocks before winding up at Smith’s Park. I was
really glad that I walked her since she parked so far away. Smithville is a relatively safe town, but there’s always someone passing through and you never know.

“This is me,” she said when we arrived at an older model Honda CRV. The entire car was filled with belongings. It automatically set off a red flag for me.

“Please tell me you’re not sleeping in your car,” I begged, looking through the window. “Britt?”

I looked her in the eyes waiting to see her response.

“Only until I can get back on my feet.”

“Fucking-A!” I threw my hands in the air.
“Brittany, why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I don’t want to be anyone’s charity case,” she said defensively.

“You’re coming home with me and I’m not taking no for an answer. I have a spare bedroom that you can stay in rent free for as long as you need to.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I couldn’t impose on you like that.”

“You wouldn’t be, so it’s either we clear off the passenger side and I sleep in there with you or you come home with me. The choice is yours.”

“Um, I ran out of gas, so technically I can’t go anywhere.”

I blew out a deep breath and counted to ten. For the love of all that’s holy, this girl needed someone. “Come on,” I said, taking her hand in mine and walking the seven blocks back to my car.

Pulling up to the gas station, I bought a red plastic container and filled it with five gallons of gas. It would be enough for her to get to the house and still be able to get around for the next couple days.
She looked ashamed and I wanted to talk some sense into her, but knowing I would feel the same way if it were reversed, I bit my tongue. I needed to give her time to adjust before pushing her any further.

When we got back to the parking lot, I had her pop her gas cap
, so I could pour the gas in and we could be on our way. I could sense her apprehension, but there was no way in fucking hell that I could sleep knowing that she was sleeping in a parking lot.

Fuck, that was probably the first decent meal she’s had in God knows how long
,
I thought to myself. I was glad I kept my mouth shut since I didn’t think I could handle knowing the answer.

A couple minutes later
, we were on our way. I watched her like a hawk in the rearview to make sure that she was still there. I felt bad not clearing it with Jake and Aubrey first. Like me, they were both rooters for the underdog, so I didn’t think they would mind.

Punching the code into the gate, I watched as it swung open.
I waved for Brittany to pass, so I could make sure that it shut properly. Even though we didn’t really have paparazzi here, one could never be too careful.

I drove around her and led her around the side to the guesthouse and put my car in park. After opening her door, I helped her grab a couple bags before going inside. Her mouth dropped when we walked into the front of the house. I was just about to say something when my phone started ringing.

It was Joss. She always did have perfect timing.

“Sorry, I need to take this,” I told Brittany, answering the call. “Hey, Joss.”

“Hey,” she said sounding upset.

What’s with me always being around emotional women?

“What’s up, babe? Is everything okay?” I asked, causing Brittany to look at me.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.
I thought coming back here was the right thing to do, but now I’m not so sure. The truth is I miss you.”

Fucking-A.

“Listen Joss, I’m right in the middle of something. Can I call you back in a little bit and we’ll talk?”

“It’s okay, Derek. Sorry I called,” she said.

Taking in a deep breath, I blew it out before responding. “Don’t be like that. We talked about this before you left, remember?”

“Yup,” she said, popping on the P. “It’s
fine, really. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll talk to you another time then. Have a good night.”

I was about to say bye, but she had already hung up. I wasn’t expecting that, especially from Joss. Remembering that Britt was standing there, I put my phone back in my pocket.

“Sorry about that,” I said. She looked like she wanted me to elaborate, but that was a story for another time.

I
showed Britt around the downstairs, before taking her to Blake’s, make that Joss’, old room. I could tell that she wanted to ask about Joss, but I wasn’t about to offer anything up.

“This will be your room for as long as you want it. There
’s food and drinks in the fridge, though I’m probably due to go food shopping again.” I cringed, thinking there was probably only beer and condiments left in there.

“This is fine. You
really didn’t have to do this, Derek. Really.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I decided it was time to walk away. “I’ll leave you to get settled. There’s a bathroom right through there if you want to get cleaned up. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” she said earnestly, pulling me into a hug and softly kissing my cheek.

As I walked down the stairs, I felt better about my situation. I still had to deal with Joss and my dad, but at least I was able to help Brittany. Once I was back in my room, I closed the door and
called Joss back. Her phone call had me on edge. This was exactly what I was worried about when we hooked up, that we were going to become emotionally attached. I knew I couldn’t offer her more, especially given her personality and wild ways. We would be a match made in Hell. Besides, neither of us was looking to commit or settle down any time soon.

The phone
rang until I ended up in her voicemail, which was probably for the best anyway.

“Joss, it’s me. I’m just calling you back. You sounded upset. I’m here if you need to talk.
Truth is I kinda miss you too…” The last part slipped out before I could stop myself. I did miss her.

Placing my phone on the
nightstand, I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. I could hear the shower turn on and convinced myself to drown out the thought of Brittany naked. Turning on the TV, I forced myself to watch the infomercial that was on until I managed to fall asleep.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm going off.
Jumping out of bed, I ran down the stairs to see Britt standing in the kitchen with her hair sticking up in every direction and a melted spatula in her hand. She turned to see me staring.

“I tried to make breakfast,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I was taking the toast out and forgot I left the spatula in the frying pan
and it melted.”

“That’s sweet, but you don’t have to cook while you’re here. I mean, feel free to use anything in the house, just know that I don’t expect anything.”

My eyes travelled down her legs and I saw that her ass was hanging out of her itty-bitty sleep shorts and my morning wood got a whole lot harder. Her eyes went wide when she saw my prominent erection standing at attention. Running a hand through my hair, I turned and headed back upstairs to shower and sort myself out before I said or did something incredibly stupid.

When I made my way back to the living room, she was in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, curled up on the couch reading a book. I walked over and took a seat on the other side of the couch and flipped the TV on. She looked up from her book and smiled, apologizing about
breakfast.

“Britt, we’re
probably going to be living together for a while. It will be awkward for a bit until we know each other better. It’s fine,” I assured her.

Setting her book beside her,
“I’m going to go out today and fill out some more applications.”

“Don’t kill yourself.
I swear I don’t mind you being here. In fact, I like it.” It was lonely here all by myself most of the time when Kevin was in LA.”

One week later…

Thankfully, Jake and Aubrey were more than fine with Britt staying here and Aubrey was taking her under her wing. We’d usually eat dinner together and then do our own thing. She was still trying hard to find a job, but so far nothing.

Britt and I
were creating our own kind of normal. We were slowly learning about one another and we were pretty much past the awkward phase. That night, I was feeling a little off for whatever reason and headed to bed on the early side. As I was lying there watching a movie, there was a light knock on the door.

Brittany stood there in an oversized t-shirt with her hair piled up on top of her head. Even like that
, she looked incredible. It was hard to believe that I’d originally thought of her as just being cute. She was fucking hot. Period.

She had a bowl of popcorn in her hand. I didn’t even know where she got it from since I sure as hell didn’t buy it. I hated popcorn since that was the last thing I remember touching before they told me that Kyle had been killed.

Brittany’s shy smile was the only thing keeping me in the present.

Focus, Scott. Focus
,
I told myself.

“I’m
kind of a night owl,” she confessed. “I was hoping that maybe we could watch a movie or something.”

“Um, okay,” I said, sitting up. “Do you want to watch one here or in the living room?”

She shrugged and since I was already comfortable, I just pulled my comforter up and moved over, making room for her to sit next to me. I started scrolling the On Demand menu to find us something to watch. We decided on
True Blood
re-runs since she’d never seen them and the show was one of my favorites. She offered me some popcorn, which I declined. I tried my best not to let the smell of it drag me back to the place where skeletons followed.

CHAPTER NINE

FALLING & FAILING

BRITTANY

Derek was unlike anyone I’d ever met before. He tended to say whatever was on his mind, while managing to hold his secrets in. It worked for him somehow. I was more the type to wear my heart on my sleeve and just say whatever I felt. He was also enormous compared to my five-foot-two and was like a giant teddy bear.

After everything I’d gone through over the last few years, it was
nice to have someone give a shit without expecting anything in return. Molly had pretty much thrown in the towel after we’d buried our mom and left me to figure things out on my own. She was off living the life in France, while I was stuck here struggling to pick up the pieces of my already tattered and shattered life. I had enough baggage to drag around for a whole lifetime and I was only twenty-three. 

I
’d really hoped to avoid Derek finding out just how down on my luck I was, but it didn’t happen. My mom would be shitting a brick if she were alive and knew that I went to stay with a complete stranger, but for whatever reason, Derek didn’t feel like a stranger. It was as if I’d known him my entire life.

We had a lot in common and shared similar interests. Tonight was my way of extending my thanks to him and just to have some company
, since we were both loners. After watching my fourth episode of
True Blood,
I had the feeling that I wouldn’t want to do much else until I got caught up.

Derek
ended up drifting off, so after the show was over, I tiptoed into the kitchen and washed out the popcorn bowl and made my way upstairs to my room. It was homey and much better than the car I’d slept in for four days when I ran out of gas.

I quickly brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. I couldn’t help but notice that the sheets smelled like a girl. Cringing, I hoped this wasn’t his bag ‘em and tag ‘
em bed. At least the sheets smelled clean. Closing my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep.

“
Kyle! Kyle! No, not Kyle!”
Derek screamed, waking me up from a dead sleep. The yelling continued as I ran to his room as fast as my legs would take me, almost tripping down the stairs in the process.

“Derek,” I called
out, realizing he was having a sort of night terror. “Derek, wake up.” He was drenched in sweat and trembling. I tried to shake him awake, but he wasn’t responding. I’d never been in a situation like this before and wasn’t sure if there was something that I should or shouldn’t do. I hoped he wouldn’t turn violent since he was so much bigger than me. Finally, he came to and crushed me to his chest, sobbing.

Rubbing his back, I tried to bring his heart rate back to normal.
It felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest. After what felt like an eternity, he looked up at me. His shaggy hair clung to his forehead, still drenched in sweat, and his eyes were filled with pain. I wondered who Kyle was, but I knew now wasn’t the time for me to start prying for that sort of information.

“What was that? Does it happen often?”
I felt terrible asking, but if I was going to be staying here, I needed to know these things. It had been a week and nothing like that had happened yet.

Shaking his head, he looked like a broken, little boy. “No. I’ve never had anything that intense before. I think it was the popcorn.”

“You didn’t even eat any of it,” I said softly.

“It was the last thing that I
ate before they told me that my brother was killed. I avoid it, since it’s a trigger thing for me.”

I was going to throw up. Kyle was his brother. Feeling beyond awful, I wanted to run and hide. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Rubbing his hands over his face, he pushed the hair off his forehead. “I had no idea anything like that would happen.”

In that moment, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. He purposely kept people out, I could tell. Pushing myself closer to him, I curled into his front as close as I could and held him. “You don’t have to be alone,” I said barely above a whisper.

“You don’t understand, Britt. I can’t do relationships. I don’t let people get close to me.” His tone was serious.

“You already let me in, whether you want to believe it or not. Let me help you,” I pleaded.

Slowly shaking his head, he mumbled that he couldn’t. Placing my hand on the side of his face, I lowered my lips to his. Our lips slowly moved in sync with one another’s. There was so much pain in with the pleasure of our kissing. Tears rolled down both of our faces mixing with the sweet tenderness of our lingering lips.

It was beyond powerful…

By the time we separated, there was a part of me that would never be the same.

DEREK

Brittany had been staying here for two weeks and
, ever since my episode, we were virtually inseparable, except for band practice. But she’d even started tagging along to those too. In all honesty, I think she was afraid to leave me alone, but in a way, I liked it.

I laughed to myself remembering the first practice she came to. I had just made introductions and Jake was playing around with the soundboard.

“What kind of music do you play again?” Britt asked.

“Whoa, you mean to tell me you’ve never heard of Battlescars?” Jake asked, feigning hurt. He walked over to the set of black shelves on the far wall and grabbed a stack of CD’s, handing them to her. “You, over there,” he pointed to a leather swivel chair. “You’re going to need to listen to every CD from beginning to end as punishment,” he laughed.

Britt took the stack of CD’s and made her way over to the computer, plugging in the first one.

Blake clasped my shoulder. “I have to say I’m a little relieved to see you’ve found a love interest other than my sister.”

“Shut the fuck up, dick,” I joked. “If things were different, I’d knock your sister up in a heartbeat.” Knowing what was coming, I quickly moved out of the way.

“You’re lucky I love you” was all he said.

“Things aren’t like that with Britt anyway. We’re friends.”

“You’re obviously either in denial or blind because she’s in love with you,” Kevin said, jumping into the conversation.

Sure, sometimes Britt and I would make out on the couch for hours, but I did my best not to let it move past that point. I didn’t want our friendship to get tainted or complicated by adding sex to the mix.

We were still
frantically searching for a new opening act for the benefit show, but so far nothing. Jake was freaking out since the show was only a few weeks away. This was such a big deal for him, and he was immensely proud he was able to accomplish it. We were all equally as proud and behind him one hundred and ten percent. Britt was helping me try to schedule as much publicity as we could to get the word out about the benefit concert. She was turning out to be a valuable resource. Even though she’d had to drop out of college after two years, she’d gone for communications and marketing. It didn’t take a genius to see that she had a natural knack for it.

We were taking out ad space and scheduling radio interviews all over the place. I was beyond grateful for all the help she was able to give. We were practicing every
day for long periods of time and Blake and Jake were already beyond stretched, since they both had new babies at home.

That night, I decided I was going to try to cook something
special for dinner. I opted for lasagna, since it was Britt’s favorite and it seemed relatively easy. I sent her out to run some errands, so it would be a surprise and Aubrey could come help me.

I heard the door open as Aubrey made her way inside. “Oh. My. God. Be still my heart,” she teased. “Derek
, is that you?”

Putting the pot on the stove to boil the water, I turned to look at her. “Shut up, Aub. I’m just trying to do something
nice. No need to pick on me.”

She couldn’t stop laughing at me as she pulled her phone from her pocket and snapped a picture. “I just never thought I’d see the day when you actually turned soft.”

“Oh, I’m far from soft. I’m pretty sure that I’m suffering from the longest, most painful case of blue balls ever known to man.”

“
Gross, though I highly doubt it. Poor Jake didn’t get any for three months.”

“Get over here and help me cook, so you can go back to being superwoman.”

She pulled ingredients out of the fridge and showed me what to do. We browned beef, mixed cheese, and boiled noodles. She was nearly in tears from laughing so hard watching me assemble it. It didn’t look like the best lasagna I’d ever seen, but I did it on my own with a little supervision. I was proud of it. I sprinkled the last of the cheese on top and covered it in foil before popping it in the oven to cook. Aubrey gave me a kiss on the cheek and left to go home.

I sliced bread and threw a small salad together. I even went as far as breaking out actual dishes instead of paper plates, praying that Britt would offer to clean up since I cooked
, because I’d made a fucking mess. Quickly wiping down the counter and putting all the dirty stuff in the sink, I went to set to table. Checking the oven constantly to make sure my masterpiece wasn’t burning, I let myself relax a little.

I went and changed my shirt, so I could be ready for when Britt got back. I was feeling nervous. I never, and I mean never
, let people in quickly, but she was different. There was something about her that instantly grabbed at me and pulled me in. She was special. We both had pain in our pasts, which made it easier to relate to each other and she didn’t pry.

She knew about Kyle and what happened that night and in the weeks that followed, but she never asked for more than what I offered and I appreciated it. She was pretty and funny; she was everything I could ask for in a friend. She was also extremely compassionate and giving, even though she didn’t have much to give. I gave money to Jake to pay her for all the phone calls she’d been helping make. He wanted to pay her himself, but I wanted to be the one to do it. For the
first time ever, I wanted to take care of someone other than myself in a real way.

Once I made my way back downstairs, I took the foil off the lasagna so the cheese could brown up a little. I was going to be checking it every five minutes to make sure it wasn’t burning and turn
ing my dinner into a disaster. After pacing back and forth for what felt like forever, I finally heard the doorknob turn.

Brittany
was wearing a pair of low rise, white jeans and a light pink, tank top with a plaid button up and Chucks.

“Honey, I’m home,” she called from the entryway.

“I’m in the kitchen,” I yelled back, waiting for her to come around the corner. Her jaw dropped in surprise when the smell hit her.

“Are you cooking something?” She
looked baffled, and I nodded. “Have you been holding out on me?” She laughed.

“Why does everyone think me cooking is so
fucking funny? I’m trying something new.”

“I think it’s sweet,” she said, wrapping her arms around my waist and nuzzling her head under my chin. She always smelled fucking delicious. It was a mix of cherries, vanilla, and chocolate; she was like dessert. I had to tell “lady killer” to calm the fuck down when
it began stirring in my pants.

Britt
looked up at me with a gleam in her eyes. “Looks like someone’s excited to see me.”

“I tried to make it not happen
, if it makes you feel any better.” For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to get a hard on.

“Don’t be shy about it. It happens. It means that I do turn you on. I was worried since you’ve never tried to push for more,” she said, cocking a perfectly arched eyebrow.

“You’re different, Britt. I don’t want to jump into things with you only to turn around and fuck them all up.”

“You won’t,” she declared, picking up the oven mitt and removing the almost burned lasagna from the oven. She said we had to let it rest a few minutes before we could cut it and
pulled me over to the couch, only to push me down and curl up in my lap. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she pulled my lips to hers causing me to rise to full salute again, right against her pert little ass. Fucking-A.

“Stop trying so hard. Just let things happen. This is just as hard for me, handsome. You scare me, Derek,” she said honestly, causing my heart to break.

“What? I scare you? Why?” I asked, pulling away from her slightly. I’d never want her to be afraid of me.

“Because you have the power to hurt me in a way that no one else does. You could decide to walk away and never look back. Where would that leave me? Plus, you just had that thing with Blake’s sister and it’s pretty obvious from her phone call she wants more from you now
, too. It’s just all a lot happening extremely fast and it’s scary for me.” Her eyes were glazing over with tears and I knew how hard it was for her because it was just as hard for me. We were two broken people who were quickly becoming each other’s other half.

Instead of eating at the table, we changed
into pajamas and curled up on the couch so she could watch more episodes of
True Blood
. She fit perfectly in my arms and I was content just looking at her. It felt normal. Right. I secretly wondered if our moms somehow pushed us together that night.