Conduit (16 page)

            “Easy.” Lev kept his hand
in place until her wide eyes narrowed a bit, hinting that perhaps she was calming
down, enough so Lev could slowly withdraw his hand.

            Even so, he felt her
tears on his skin.  The moonlight pooling through the mesh-covered windows
highlighted her wet cheeks, and suddenly he felt guilty that he’d been so
reluctant to check in on her and had probably only come because he believed she
had more information.

            “You all right?” he
whispered, knowing full well she wasn’t, but he didn’t have a clue what else he
could say.

            “I keep seeing their
faces, feeling them as they creep into my mind and take over my body.”  Her
voice broke, and she burst into a wave of fresh tears that silenced her amid
shuddering waves of pain that made her roll into a ball, trying physically to
drive away her fears.

            “I’m sorry.”  He stroked
her hair, trying desperately to think of something that would       take the
edge off her fears and let her get through this.  Nothing came to mind.

            “I can’t make it go
away.”  She looked up at him with haunted eyes, and Lev nodded in
understanding, wishing he could somehow make it all better.

            “I’m sorry.”

            She nodded and slowly sat
up, trying to breathe, but it all seemed like too much. 

            “You need to lie back
down,” Lev suggested.

            She shook her head
wildly.  “I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to the darkness where they reach
for me—where they own me.”

            “Shh.  It’s all right.” 
She was crying again, and he wrapped his arms around her.

            Considering the way she
pressed herself against his chest, he must’ve done something right.  No, they
couldn’t stay this way, but maybe this would, in some small way, help.

            She draped her arms
around him, pulling him closer as though afraid to let go.

            Reluctantly, he stroked
her back, waiting for the calm that had to be coming.  Her breathing slowed,
and maybe soon he could let her go.  Maybe. 

            Somehow, she must’ve sensed
his intentions; her grip tightened, and he started to say something when she
twisted slightly so she could look him in the eye.  No matter what he said, it
wouldn’t change her feelings.  Some things just defied words, and if words
couldn’t do it, he wasn’t sure what he had to offer in their place.  Carissa,
however, had something in mind.

            Without warning, she
leaned close and pushed her soft lips against his.  At first, he just sat
there, numb and confused, but then, as she tried to deepen the kiss, he found
himself responding, which horrified him.

            Gasping, he pulled away
and scrambled from her, his mind reeling with what had just happened.

            “What are you doing?”

            Carissa wrapped her arms
around her body, and even though she looked something like Elizabeth, she
wasn’t.  Elizabeth was the only person he’d ever loved.  She was the only one
he would ever love.  Her lips parted in horror as though she’d suddenly realized
what she’d done, and even had she wanted a way to take it back, there was no
undoing it.

            “I…I’m sorry.”

            Lev raked his fingers
through his hair, trying to stop the avalanche of feelings tumbling through
him—starting with guilt.  He should’ve known better, should’ve seen this
coming.  Celia had even tried to warn him, for all the good it had done.

            “I know you’ve been
through a lot,” he murmured, staring at the ground.  He couldn’t even look her
in the eye.  “But this isn’t right.  I don’t feel that way about you.”

            Frowning, Carissa nodded
woodenly and looked down at Elizabeth’s shirt, which she still wore.  Her
fingers traveled over it as though trying to figure things out by feel.  “Why? 
What’s wrong with me?”

            “Nothing.”  Lev felt
himself slipping deeper and deeper into a panic he couldn’t fight.  How had he
stumbled into this nightmare?  “It’s not about you.  There’s someone I’m in
love with.” His voice came out strangled even though he tried to reign in all
the emotions whirling through him, threatening to tear him apart.

            “Oh.”  She wiped the
tears from her face.  “Who is she?”

            “The girl who once wore
those clothes.  We’re looking for her.”  He flinched.  “She was taken from me.”

            Her fingers drifted over
the shirt, and Lev wasn’t sure he wanted to know her thoughts right then.

            “I should probably go and
get some rest.”  He kept looking away.

            “I didn’t mean to upset
you,” she said.  “I won’t do that again.  Just please don’t leave.  I don’t
want to be alone.”

            “I know what you feel,
Clarissa,” he said, eyeing the entrance.  “But even though you feel alone, you
aren’t.  You’re surrounded by people who care about you and will do whatever it
takes to get you through this.  My father will see to that.”

            He took another deep
breath and headed for the door, his mind still spinning over what had just
transpired.  No, he hadn’t started any of this, but when the time came, how
could he ever explain this considering how it twisted his insides all around
until it hurt to breathe?

            “I’m sorry,” Clarissa
said even as he slipped away, and in his peripheral vision he saw she was still
watching him, waiting for him to change his mind and stay. 

            He took a step toward his
tent, but he knew that would be a mistake.  He’d just be dragging all the
debris of the train wreck he’d just experienced with him.  No, right now he
just needed to clear his head and get ready for going into battle tomorrow.

            Although he knew it
probably wasn’t wise, he walked away from the small cluster of tents and out
toward where the night was good and dark and all Lev could see was a world of
stars dancing overhead.  Looking up at the bright and glorious heavens, he
wondered if Elizabeth could see the stars like he did or if they even mattered
to her anymore.  Did he even matter?

            “Where are you?” He looked
up.  He lifted his hand to his mouth and wiped at his lips as though his doing
so would erase what had just occurred.  He just needed Elizabeth back and
everything would begin making sense again. 

            It had to.

Chapter
Sixteen

            Although Lev tried to
sleep after that, he found himself constantly tossing, feeling out of place,
out of time.  Everything was all wrong and messed up, and when the sun finally
came up, he felt fatigue washing over him as though he hadn’t slept in months. 
He was trying to remember the last time he’d slept like a normal person.

            His stomach rumbled
unpredictably, probably more from the acid eating through it than actual hunger,
but the effect was the same.  Sighing, he forced himself to get up and sort
through the pack Riley had given him, grateful when he happened across a few
snacks to tide him over through the madness ahead, and when he’d finished
eating, he tore down his tent and packed it away beside the duffle with his sword. 

            His second battle as a
human—now that was something to look forward to.  Perhaps he could just get
through this one better, like the fighter he needed to be.

            “You’re up awfully
early.”

            Lev turned sharply as
Evan ambled up to him, appearing as tireless and perfect as usual.  Time and
all the human chaos seemed not to touch him.

            “I had trouble
sleeping.”  Lev rubbed the back of his neck where a cramp nagged at him,
telling him he should have tried sleeping in a different position.

            “I can’t imagine why.” 
Evan scanned the other tents.  “It’s not like you have a lot of things on your
mind right now.”

            “Yeah.”  Lev swallowed
hard, dreading the conversation he was about to have.  “Listen, maybe we should
just get the information from Clarissa and send her away.”

             Evan shook his head. 
“Nice thought, but even if that seemed like a good idea, we both know there’s
no place to send her.  She’s got no one to go home to, no one who has reported
her missing, and she’s pretty messed up.”

            The frustration deepened
as Lev thought about facing yet another day after what had transpired last
night.  “She really doesn’t need to be here.  She could get killed.”

            “Perhaps,” Evan agreed,
“but until she’s fully able to face what has transpired, the best place for her
is with us.”

            They both veered toward
Clarissa’s tent, where she was also rising, sitting up.  They could see her
stretching, her arms reaching for the heavens.

            “She’s going to be
trouble,” Lev whispered, gritting his teeth.  “You do know that, don’t you?”

            “Perhaps,” Evan agreed,
setting his hand on his son’s shoulder.  “But then again, all humans are
trouble. It’s part of who they are—who you are.”  He looked from his son to the
girl.  “It’s like you’ve suddenly developed a strong dislike for her.”

            “That’s not it,” Lev
quickly reassured him.  “Not really.”

            “I guess I’ll have to
take your word.”  Evan nodded farther down the line of tents towards
Griffin’s.  “I guess I should go check in the others so we can get this
finished.  You’d best make sure everything is packed up,” Evan called back.
“We’ll be heading out as quickly as possible.”

            “Got it,” Lev said, his
gaze drifting back to Clarissa’s tent as she rose to her feet and looked in his
direction, her expression anything but clear, and Lev sensed that once she
slipped out, he knew she’d approach him and try to talk about what had happened
or whatever hadn’t happened that she wanted to, something he was far from up
for.

            He had to get out of
there before that happened.

            As his heartbeat
quickened, he averted his gaze and hastened his steps in the same direction as
Evan had gone, heading to make it to Griffin’s tent, where he knew he’d find
Celia.  Maybe, since she sensed something was off, she might be able to help
him out of this mess before it got any worse.

            “Lev?” Clarissa poked her
head out, and he reluctantly stopped to offer her a smile he didn’t feel.

            “Hey.”

            “Have you got a few
minutes?”  Her voice was soft and tender, making him feel all the more guilty
that he didn’t share what she felt.  He could never do that.

            “Not right now,” he said,
pointing down the row of tents.  “I need to talk to Celia.  It’s important.”

            She nodded.  “All right. 
Maybe afterwards?”  She gave him a hopeful look.

            “Maybe,” he said.  “You
should check in with Evan or Riley about getting something to eat.”

            “All right.”  She beamed
a smile at him, making him wonder if he should’ve done something differently
yet again. The last thing he wanted to do was lead her on and make her think he
felt things he didn’t.

            Raking his fingers
through his hair, he strode down to Griffin’s tent, where he saw Celia wrapped
in Griffin’s arms, both laughing and talking.  The world around them had
stopped existing.  Although he knew he shouldn’t feel jealous, he did, probably
because of the emptiness that threatened to consume him.  He would move heaven
and earth to have that again.

            “Celia?” he finally said,
looking away.

            “Lev?”  She sat up
abruptly, her smile vanishing.  “Is everything all right?”

            “Sort of.”  He cleared
his throat.  “I need to get your advice about something, that’s all.”

            “Okay.”  She gave Griffin
one last kiss and then forced herself to her feet.  “You’d best get ready for
the battle,” she told Griffin.  “We’ll be leaving soon.”

            She took a deep breath
and headed out of the tent to meet her brother.  “What’s up?”

            “You were right—and don’t
freaking tell me ‘I told you so.’”  He rolled his shoulders, trying to ease the
tension.

            “I was right about what?”

            “Clarissa kissed me last
night.”

            Celia’s eyes bulged.  “Oh,
my.  What did you do after that?”

            “Got the heck out of Dodge
as fast as I could.”  Even though he didn’t want to, he kept replaying all the
moments that had led up to that kiss, moments that never should’ve happened
that he was sure would haunt him forever.

            “And what do you want me
to tell you?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest, her gaze still
drifting back to the tent, probably to the same place her thoughts gathered:
with Griffin.

            “I don’t know what to do,
Celia,” Lev muttered.  “She has no family, so we can’t just send her back to
them, yet I feel like she’s constantly watching me, expecting that I’m going to
fall head over heels for her.  We both know that isn’t going to happen.  It
can’t.”

            “Well, there’s not much
you can do except be honest with her…or get through this morning and hope
Elizabeth is found.  Once you find her, there won’t be any doubt how you feel
about anything.  What were you even doing with her?” A breeze blew Celia’s hair
into her eyes, forcing her to push it back.

            “She was having a
nightmare.  I was just trying to help.”  He took a deep breath.

            “You always are.”

            Lev saw that Riley had
emerged from his tent and walked over to Clarissa, where the two of them began
talking.  While the angel looked directly at her, Clarissa kept watching Lev,
obviously awaiting his return, which only doubled the knots in his stomach.  Of
the options Celia mentioned, he preferred just waiting until he had Elizabeth
back, but it was going to be hard to keep Clarissa at bay like that.

            “How’s Griffin?”

            The frown Celia wore
quickly shifted to a broad smile.  “He’s good.  The extra hours of rest made
all the difference for him.”

            “Good.  I should probably
let the two of you be.”  He glanced at Clarissa again, and this time she waved.

            “You know it’s not her
fault, right?”

            “Yeah, but that doesn’t
make it any easier,” he finally said, heading back to face music he didn’t want
to hear.

            As he walked back to his
stuff, Clarissa quietly approached.  “Is everything all right?” she asked. 

           
He shrugged.  “Just kind of stressed
out, I guess.  I’m not exactly crazy about heading into the
dybbuks
’
lair.”  He started to say something else, but it didn’t feel right, like he was
telling Clarissa something he shouldn’t and in a way making Elizabeth more
vulnerable.  That really didn’t make sense, but it was how he felt.

            “Is that all?”  She set
her hands on her hips, her eyes searing into him--she was searching for
something. 

            “Isn’t that enough?”  He
frowned, not liking the weirdness of this conversation.

            “Well…yeah. It’s just that
after last night, it seems like I have leprosy or something.  You don’t want to
be anywhere near me.  It was just a stupid kiss, Lev.  Don’t worry.  It won’t
happen again.”

            She started to take down
her tent.

            “Look, it’s not about
you.  You just walked into some things I can’t explain.”

            Her laugh was brittle. 
“You don’t have to explain anything—I can tell when I’m not wanted.  God, you
must think me hideous or something.”  She jerked one of the stakes from the
ground but couldn’t quite manage. 

            “Is that what you really
think?”  His tone rose with incredulity. 

            “Most guys like girls
they find attractive.  You don’t find me attractive, so you must not like me. 
Besides, there’s always your girlfriend to think about, right?  And she
definitely wouldn’t appreciate me kissing you.”

            She went after another stake,
struggling right from the get-go.  As Lev bent to help, however, she waved him off. 
“Look.  Just don’t, okay?  I can do this without your help.  I’ve been doing
stuff on my own my whole life.  There’s no point in your trying to save me
now.”

            Lev straightened and
wiped his hands on his jeans, trying to think of something to say, but he kept
coming up empty, as usual.  As an angel, he’d been better at figuring out the
right words.  Being human sucked all around, and being human without Elizabeth
was intolerable.

            He opened his mouth, but
the newly pulled stake in her hand proved what she’d said—that she really hadn’t
needed him, after all.  Grateful for the exit cue, Lev took it, all the while
hoping it wouldn’t come back and bite him on the butt before all was said and
done.

            Once again, he looked at
the sky and realized that in a few minutes they’d all be heading toward the
next location of battle.

* * *

            When Riley had told them
the location of the
dybbuks
’ nest wasn’t far, he hadn’t been kidding. 
Roughly forty-five minutes after loading everything up and starting the
engines, they found themselves facing yet another long-abandoned structure—a
huge old barn with peeling rust paint.  Tall weeds and a graveyard of useless
farm machinery surrounded it, and the way the clouds tumbled over one another
made it feel more like a painting than reality. 

            Then again,
dybbuks
didn’t live in art, and they sure weren’t pretty.

            Lev cocked his head to
the side thoughtfully.  “You sure this is it?”  The place just seemed so
peaceful and yet, at the same time, haunted.  It was like standing before a
growling dog with a wagging tail: he didn’t know which end to believe, and this
“dog” could do oh so much more than bite. 

            “Well, Clarissa?” Riley
deferred to her, studying her face, looking for doubt.

            Clarissa shoved the hair
from her face and blinked, her gaze never leaving the barn.  “Yeah, this is
it.”

            “You’re sure?” Evan
asked, his voice even as always.

            “Yes,” she said.  “I’m
sure.  This is where the
dybbuks
first brought me.  No doubt they’re in
there doing God only knows what.”

            Lev’s shoulder’s
tightened, and he inhaled sharply at that thought.  Clarissa must’ve heard it
because she gave him a helpless look.

            “Sorry,” he said, as if
that would make her little blunder sting less.

            Yeah, right.

            “So what’s the plan?” Lev
asked.  “I think there’s only one door, so it can’t be like last time, and I
don’t think, considering the close quarters, the element of surprise is going
to help us much here.”

            “Probably not, which is
why we are going to have to just get them to come out and face us on our
terms,” Riley replied, his mouth set in a determined frown that suggested he
didn’t, even for a moment, think they could lose this battle.  Was he insane?