Come Back To Me (42 page)

‘And Jessa?’ he asks, giving me a sideways glance

before focusing his attention somewhere on the middle

distance.

‘Um,’ I stammer, my heart starting to race. Is it a trick

question?

‘Have you seen her?’ he asks. ‘I’m assuming so.’

I can’t lie. ‘Er. Yes, sir,’ I say.

A grin tugs at his mouth. ‘She tell you to get lost?’

I laugh under my breath. ‘She might have done.’

He grins wider. ‘That’s my girl.’

Yeah, I should have guessed he still wouldn’t be happy

about me going anywhere near his daughter.

‘Damn it, though,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘Not sure

what she sees in that kid Todd. Starting to wonder about

her taste in men.’

My head flies up. He doesn’t like Todd? The know-

ledge enters my bloodstream like a drug, making me far

happier than it probably should. I try to hide my smile

because really, what does it matter that he doesn’t like

Todd? He doesn’t like me either.

‘Listen, I’ve got a story for you, Ryan.’

I look at him sideways. What the fuck is going on? This

man has hated me for years, and now here we are at the

graveside of his son, shooting the breeze, telling stories

like we’re old buddies? Has he lost the plot or something?

Has he taken one too many Zoloft?

‘I’ve never shared this with anyone, except of course

with Riley on one of our many one-sided conversations.’

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He tips his head at the grave. ‘They’re pretty cathartic,

aren’t they?’ he says, giving me a pointed look.

Oh shit. He heard. I wince and look away, automatic-

ally scanning the cemetery for the nearest exit point.

Where’s this conversation heading? Is this whole friendly

routine just a way of drawing me in like a fish on a line

before he clobbers me on the head with a rock?

‘I was once in love,’ he begins, grabbing my attention

back instantly. ‘I was about your age. This girl − ’ He

pauses and takes a deep breath in before letting it out in a

long exhalation. ‘She was the most beautiful woman I’ve

ever seen. She took my breath away. All I wanted to do

was make her happy.’ He glances at me. ‘I would have

walked over hot coals for her.’

I double take. Those were exactly the words I used to

him about Jessa. Does he remember? Is that why he’s

throwing them back at me?

‘She was the love of my life, and I lost her. It was

during the Balkan conflict. There were things I saw in that

war that will stay with me forever.’ He glances across at

me. ‘I think you know what I’m talking about. Things you

can’t put a name to, things you can’t talk about to other

people, least of all your family.’

I give him a small nod. I do know what he’s talking

about, but it’s still weird for me to discover we have any-

thing in common at all, let alone that we share something

like this.

‘For a while I couldn’t stand to be around people,’ he

goes on. ‘I stopped writing to her. I couldn’t put words

down on paper, couldn’t make sense of what was in my

head.’

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I fall silent, holding my breath. He could be describing

me. The strangeness of his confession, how exactly his

story mirrors my own, is spinning me out.

‘I said a few things I’ll always regret and pushed her

away until the point came where she broke up with me.

She sent me a letter, told me it was over. Damn near broke

my heart. For a year she was all I could think about. I

didn’t look at another woman, couldn’t think about

another woman. But I didn’t call her either, didn’t write.

My pride was too wounded. And I was too messed up.’

He pauses to look at me. ‘Sound familiar?’

I don’t nod but I don’t shake my head either.

‘But when I get back home I have it all planned out.

I’m going to make things right with her. I’m determined

to find a way to get her back. I’ll do whatever it takes.

And so I go over to her house and what do I find? She’s

dating someone else. And not just anyone. My best

friend.’

I let out the breath I’ve been holding. It all makes sense

now. The photograph of him and my dad on the wall in

the garage. The comment my dad made about my mom

and Jessa’s dad. The pieces fall into place with the kind of

staggering alignment I can only imagine blind people

experience when they get their eyesight back.

‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Kingsley smirks. ‘Your father was

one charming son of a bitch. I’ll give him that. He moved

in there the moment he saw she was free. He’d always

had his eye on her, and your mother, like I said, was

beautiful, like a movie star, turned heads wherever she

went.’

He smiles to himself sadly and my gut writhes as

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though a nest of snakes just woke up. Holy shit. This is

too much information too fast. My mom dated Jessa’s

dad? And they loved each other? But . . . he’s such an ass-

hole. What the hell did she see in him? Then I remember

Jessa telling me her dad didn’t always used to be this

way. I recall the picture of my dad and him when they

were about my age, how much fun they looked like they

were having. Maybe he wasn’t always such an asshole

then. It’s like discovering there is an end to the universe;

truly mind-melting.

‘I was so goddamn mad at him,’ he continues, not

seeming to notice my shock, ‘I didn’t even bother to fight

for her. And you know, if I’d buried my stupid pride and

told her how much I loved her, she would have broken

up with him and come back to me. Because what we had

− ’ he looks at me, his eyes so bright and clear they

remind me of Jessa’s − ‘was something you don’t find

every day. It was real. But I didn’t fight for her. I walked

away. And I raged about it for a few weeks and drank

myself stupid until my father took me aside one day and

told me to man the hell up and to go after what I wanted.

He told me I was letting another man take what should

be mine, and that the best things in life are things you

have to fight for. That’s what makes life worthwhile, he

said. So I did. I went around to your mother’s house and

I told her that I wanted to marry her, that if she became

my wife I’d spend the rest of my life trying to make her

happy, and you know what? I know she wanted to say

yes. Because she loved me. Don’t get me wrong − I know

she loved your father. But not like the way she loved me.

We were different. We were that one in a million.’

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I’m struggling to comprehend everything he’s saying,

and I’m angry too because he’s suggesting that my mom

loved him more than she loved my dad and I don’t want

that to be true. ‘So why didn’t she say yes, then? If she

loved you so much?’ I ask.

‘Because she was pregnant with you.’

The fog dissolves. I finally get it; I understand why he’s

hated me all these years, why he hates my father. I’m

what kept them apart.

‘So do you see what I’m saying to you?’ he asks, inter-

rupting the thoughts that are flying around my head like

debris after an explosion.

‘No,’ I say.

‘My God, you
are
stupid. What the hell does she see in

you?’

I think that’s supposed to be rhetorical, so I stay quiet.

‘My daughter loves you,’ he says in the face of my

silence. ‘I admit I wasn’t exactly thrilled when I found out

you two were dating, but I can’t stand here and let Jessa

screw up her life. She loves you,’ he says again. ‘And if

I’m not mistaken, I heard you telling Riley that you still

love her.’

‘It’s too late,’ I mumble, echoing Jessa’s words.

He huffs loudly. ‘Did you not hear a word I just told

you?’ He shakes his head at me, exasperated. ‘You were

wrong about one thing, you know. About me not know-

ing my daughter. I’ve been watching her these last nine

months. She’s been mourning not just Riley but you too.’

He takes a step towards me and lowers his voice. ‘I saw

the girl she was blossoming into when you were around.

She’s lost that bloom, Kit, that light in her eyes. I want

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you to give it back to her. God knows, I helped put it out

too and I’m trying now to make it up to her. She’s all I’ve

got left.’

He swallows and I watch him struggle to get his emo-

tions under control; his eyes brighten with tears. ‘And if

you don’t,’ he says to me, ‘you’ll spend the rest of your

life regretting what could have been, wishing you’d had

the guts to fight that little bit harder. Believe me.’

‘I’ve tried,’ I say, trying to get my head around the fact

he’s no longer warning me off Jessa but telling me to fight

for her. ‘She’s not interested.’

‘Are you a goddamn marine or not?’ he suddenly

roars.

My back straightens automatically and my heels click

together before I remember that I’m not any more. ‘No,

sir,’ I answer. ‘Not any more.’

He does a surprised double take at the news but then

dismissively shrugs the comment off. ‘Once a marine,

always a marine,’ he tells me. ‘And marines never god-

damn quit.’ He takes a step towards me and pokes me in

the chest with his index finger. ‘You get back in the ring.’

‘Yes, sir,’ I shout back.

He nods at me, seemingly satisfied, and I breathe out,

feeling dizzy all of a sudden. What the hell did I just

agree to? Then I see that he’s right. Of course he’s right.

What the hell was I thinking? I’m a stupid idiot. He’s

right. I pat my pockets, searching for my keys, my phone.

I need to go. I need to find her. I spin around and head for

the exit.

‘Oh, and Kit?’

I turn back. Kingsley’s standing with his hands on his

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hips, looking vaguely triumphant and a lot more like the

Colonel Kingsley of old.

‘I have a room full of trophies back at the house −

remind me to show them to you some time,’ he says.

Hah. ‘Got it,’ I shout, grinning before breaking into a

jog.

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Jessa

Once I finish the call with Todd, I switch off my phone

and throw it onto the passenger seat, and for a few min-

utes just sit behind the wheel of my car staring into space.

I feel hollow and empty, like a buoy floating on open

ocean alone and untethered.

The one thing I learned after Riley’s death was that I

could either sink or learn to swim again, but now I realize

there’s also a third option − floating. Life might be easier

if I don’t try to fight it and instead just let it pull me

along. Floating was what I did before Kit, and it’s also

what I’ve been doing with Todd. It seems like the easiest

option. It certainly doesn’t take much effort.

I start the car and pull out of the lot. I don’t have a

destination in mind, I just feel the need to drive, and

unconsciously, when I hit the freeway, I take the route

east, heading in the same direction Kit took that first

night when we went stargazing out in the desert. I

wonder what subconscious thought is pulling me in that

direction and wonder if it’s really the best idea to churn

up more memories when I’m trying to forget him, but

because I’ve decided just to go with the flow of things, I

keep driving.

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About two miles out of town, though, I see a sign for

the cemetery where Riley is buried, and on a sudden

whim I throw the car across three lanes and take the exit,

ignoring the blast of horns from the cars I cut up.

I drive slowly into the parking lot. I’ve only been to

visit a couple of times since the funeral. When I think of

Riley, I don’t like to think of him dead, lying in a coffin

beneath the ground. I like to think of him alive, so when I

want to feel close to him I go to the places where he used

to hang out: the beach, the pier, the basketball court. I

spend time with baby Riley.

Climbing out the car I think about Kit, wondering if I’ll

see him before he leaves. Maybe it’s all for the best if I

don’t ever see him again. What good could possibly come

of it?

I’m walking with my head down, so I don’t notice the

person standing in the way until I bump into them.

‘Sorry,’ I mumble and try to walk around them, but

they step sideways and block my path. I look up, and all

the breath leaves my body in a rush, leaving me swaying