Come Back To Me (38 page)

up on my shoulder when I’m burping him.

‘I’m going to take him upstairs to change him and put

him down for a nap,’ I tell Todd, who’s sitting at the table

in the dining room working on a term paper.

Just as I get to the stairs the doorbell buzzes.

‘Let’s get that, shall we?’ I murmur, shifting Riley onto

my clean shoulder. I answer the door and my heart skips

a beat at the sight of Kit standing on the doorstep.

For several seconds I can’t speak. My whole body goes

rigid with shock. I can’t even breathe. He’s leaner, older

looking, tanned and healthy looking – that’s all I notice.

That and the fact he’s wearing the same pair of jeans he

wore the night we first made love. My heart has wedged

into my throat like a chicken bone and a storm of emo-

tions whips up in my stomach, making me feel instantly

sick. I’m torn between wanting to throw myself at him,

hurl myself into his arms, and wanting to slam the door

in his face.

‘You cut your hair,’ he says to me.

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I stare at him. That’s all he has to say? That’s the first

thing he’s going to say to me after nearly nine months of

silence and dozens of unanswered emails?

Eventually I nod because I don’t know what else to do.

‘You look like Mia Farrow in
Rosemary’s Baby
,’ he adds.

I can feel my face getting warm as he stares at me, and

I look away. I cut my hair short on a whim, shortly after I

started dating Todd. I couldn’t stand the way he’d brush

it behind my ear because every time he did I’d be

reminded of Kit doing the same thing, and now that Kit’s

standing in front of me that’s all I can think of and I’m

suddenly regretting cutting my hair.

In my arms Riley suddenly gurgles. I see Kit’s eyes fall

on him, the bright glare of tears before he hastily blinks

them away. Those eyes – the blue of a summer’s day –

how could I have forgotten just how blue they are? ‘Can

I . . . ?’ he asks, swallowing hard.

I turn Riley to face him and see the wave of emotion

wash over Kit’s face as he meets his godson for the first

time. He reaches out a hand, tentatively, and rests it on

Riley’s head, stroking the dark thatch of hair before

chucking him softly under the chin. I watch Kit’s face

transform, just as everyone’s does when they see Riley for

the first time, at the shock of seeing this mini-version of

Riley and the wonder of it.

As momentous as this moment might be, though, I’m

just not ready for it, so I swap Riley into my other arm

and take a step backwards, suddenly aware that I have

baby vomit on my clothes.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, finally finding my

voice.

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‘I’m back on leave,’ Kit answers.

‘I can see that.’

‘And I wanted to see you.’

I press my lips together. My stomach keeps rolling

over. Whether it’s the sight of him after so long, or the

shock, or the fact that I’ve just remembered Todd is in

the house, I don’t know. But anger has started to flow

through my veins. He can’t just show up like this. What is

he expecting?

‘Why?’ I ask. My voice has a sharp edge to it, and I see

him flinch a little. He studies his feet for a moment before

looking up at me again.

‘Because I need to talk to you.’

I shake my head, almost laughing. ‘
Now
you need to

talk to me?’ I ask. ‘It’s a little late, Kit.’

He frowns and bows his head, and for a moment I’m

thrown back to that last day – the day of the funeral when

he refused to look at me after we had sex. Does he

remember that? The memory hits me as hard as a punch

to the gut − it’s something I’ve worked hard to forget. I

tried to erase it just like I erased the pictures of him on

my phone. But then Kit looks up and I see, in that brief

moment of eye contact, all his regrets, all his pain, all he’s

suffered written clear as chalk on a board. I see how hard

it’s been for him to get to this point, the awful journey

he’s been on, and how much it’s taken for him to come

here today to face me. Even so, I quickly squash my

sympathy.

‘It’s too late,’ I say again.

‘I thought you might say that,’ Kit says, nodding. ‘But

I needed to try anyway.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I’m

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staying at my dad’s. If you change your mind—’ He stops

abruptly and I see he’s staring over my shoulder.

I whip around. Todd’s standing behind me. He’s wear-

ing the formal expression I often see him wear around my

father. He curls his fingers around my neck in a way that

always makes me tense and stiffen my back, but doubly

so now. Shit. I don’t want to rub anything in Kit’s face,

but I guess, like everything else, it’s too late for that.

‘You OK, babe?’ Todd asks me.

I wince but force myself to smile. ‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘Kit

was just leaving.’

I turn back to look at Kit, feeling my cheeks burning,

barely able to look at him. But Kit’s expression is blank,

his eyes arctic cold. He’s staring between us with his lips

pressed together and his focus seems to rest on Todd’s

hand gripping the back of my neck. After a moment he

glances at me and gives me a look that feels like a knife

being slashed across my heart, then he nods and starts to

walk away.

Flustered, I shake off Todd’s hand and walk back

inside the house, kicking the door shut behind me with

my heel. My heart is beating so fast and I’m shaking so

hard that Riley starts to fuss in my arms, obviously pick-

ing up on my mood.

‘What did he want?’ Todd asks me with an unmistak-

ably irritated tone.

‘I don’t know,’ I say.

Just then the doorbell goes again. I look at Todd, seeing

the annoyance flare in his eyes. Oh God. Todd opens the

door before I can get to it. Over his shoulder I see Kit

standing on the doorstep. He looks out of breath, his

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cheeks are flushed. He frowns at the sight of Todd and

tries to peer past him.

‘What do you want?’ Todd asks, edging sideways to

block his view.

‘I want to talk to Jessa,’ Kit answers.

‘She doesn’t want to talk to you,’ Todd says.

‘Yeah?’ Kit asks tersely. He glances over Todd’s shoul-

der at me. ‘Do you love him?’ he asks me, nodding his

head at Todd.

The directness of the question stuns me. My mouth

falls open. What the . . . ?

‘Do you love him?’ he demands again.

‘Kit, it’s none of your business,’ I stammer, feeling the

weight of Todd’s gaze on me.

‘Fine,’ he says. ‘It’s none of my business. I have no

right to ask you − I get that − but you need to speak to

me. If you send me away, I’m just going to keep coming

back until you do.’

I look at Todd. He’s glaring at me. I look at Kit. His jaw

is pulsing.

‘Fine,’ I say angrily, seeing that otherwise there’s going

to be a scene. ‘I’ll talk to you.’

A look of disappointment crosses Todd’s face, but he

buries it quickly. I hand him Riley with a shrug of apol-

ogy. Once he’s gone upstairs, I step out onto the front

porch, pulling the door shut behind me. I have a feeling

Todd’s going to want to eavesdrop, and I have no idea

what Kit wants to say but I’m sure it’s not going to be

something I want Todd to hear. I’m not sure
I
want to

hear it. I’ve moved on. I’ve made a new life for myself.

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Kit can’t just waltz back in because he’s finally managed

to deal with his issues.

I cross my arms over my chest, partly because my heart

is rattling around like a rogue ball bearing inside me, and

partly because I’m scared of what I might do if I don’t

control my hands.

‘What do you want?’ I hiss.

‘I want you,’ he answers.

I reel backwards.

‘Fuck,’ he murmurs, looking away and running his

hands through his hair. ‘This is not how I planned to do

this. I didn’t mean to say that.’

‘You mean you actually had a plan for this?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, can’t you tell?’ he answers wryly.

I try not to smile. Goddamn him. I refuse to smile.

‘The plan was to come here and say sorry and beg your

forgiveness. That’s all. I didn’t come here to be an asshole.

I didn’t come here to try to get you back. I know it’s too

late for that. But then I saw him,’ he continues, frowning.

‘That guy Todd.’ He looks at me now with an expression

of disbelief, shaking his head. ‘And fuck it . . . I can’t just

walk away. I can’t do it. I tried. I got as far as my bike.’

I stare at him, unsure what the hell he’s trying to say.

He takes a deep breath. ‘Oh man, I’m screwing this

up.’ He shakes his head. ‘Let me do this like I planned.’

He takes another deep breath, as though gathering his

thoughts, and holds my gaze. ‘OK,’ he begins. ‘I’m so

sorry, Jessa. I’m sorry for everything. I can’t tell you how

much I regret everything I did. I wrote to you so many

times and then I’d hit delete because how do you tell the

girl you love that you killed her brother?’

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His words hit me like shrapnel. I draw in a stagger-

ingly painful breath.

‘How do you make up for not being there for her when

she needed you most? I can’t. All I can tell you is I was a

total fuck-up. It’s not an excuse, but for a really long time

I was a total mess and it’s taken me all this time to sort

myself out.’

I close my eyes. He doesn’t know how long I’ve waited

to hear these words.

‘That’s all I planned to say to you. I was going to say it

and then walk away. That’s what I had planned out in my

head. Because I knew I had –
have
– no right to expect

anything, or forgiveness, after everything I’ve done.’

I don’t say anything. I can’t. My brain is still struggling

to process the fact he’s here, let alone the words he’s just

said.

‘But then I see you,’ he says, ‘and I realize that I was an

idiot to think it would ever be that easy.’ He stops and

frowns hard for a moment down at his feet before looking

up suddenly.

‘Do you love him?’ he asks, startling me all over again.

‘If you honestly love him, I’ll walk away. I won’t ever

bother you again,’ he says.

I’m so furious that I could spit. How dare he? It’s too

goddamn late for any of this. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Yes, I love him.’

Kit’s face crumples with disbelief, his lips parting, but

then he steadies himself and straightens up.

I’m breathing hard, trying not to cry. I can feel my face

burning. Why did I just say that? I don’t love Todd − I

just want to hurt Kit. I want to hurt him the way he hurt

me. I want him to feel for just a moment a fraction of the

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pain he’s caused me. I know it’s not fair, I know he’s had

his own fair share of suffering to deal with too, but now

it’s too late to take it back. I remember him saying to me

once that he didn’t ever want there to be any kind of

untruth between us, that he wanted to know everything I

was thinking and feeling, but how can I put any of what

I feel into words? How can I tell him the truth when I’m

not even sure what that is any more?

Kit looks away over his shoulder, chewing his lip as

though pondering his next move. Is he going to leave?

My stomach tenses. Finally he looks back at me. ‘I don’t

believe you,’ he says. He takes a step towards me, fluster-

ing me with his nearness, with his smell, which shouldn’t

be so damn familiar after so much time and which

shouldn’t still affect me the way it does.

‘I think you still love me,’ he says, ‘even though you

don’t want to.’

I glare at him, fury battling my instincts.

‘Because that kind of love, Jessa,’ Kit continues,

‘doesn’t just disappear. It doesn’t just fade. I still love you.

I’ll always love you. And I think you feel the same way

about me. And hell, I know I don’t deserve it. I know all I

deserve is your hatred. But if there’s a chance, a single

chance that you might still love me, then I’m not going to

throw it away. Because I’ve been through hell and you’re

the only reason I’m still standing.’ He pauses. ‘So tell me

the truth. Do you love him?’

I don’t answer.

‘Does he know you like I do? Does he know exactly

how you like your eggs in the morning – just a little bit

runny?’ he asks. ‘Does he know that you’re allergic to