Color of Loneliness (3 page)

She reads the letter over and over again before she finally hits print. After closing her computer, she climbs back under the covers, not to sleep, but simply to wait for her alarm to go off.

* * *

After the slow hours of the early morning pass, she gets ready for work. Just before leaving her apartment, she pulls the sheet of paper off the printer, folds it and tucks it into her bag.

* * *

Myra’s heartbeat quickens as she steps off the elevator and makes her way to her cubicle. Her eyes scan furtively around the office, hoping no one has noticed her. Especially Trent or
her
. After taking a sip of her coffee, she opens her email.

“Hey,” Susie says a short time later as she sits down by Myra’s computer. “Guess what? I weighed in this morning, and I gained five fucking pounds. I’m so pissed I could punch something. How in the hell could I gain five pounds in one week when I’m supposed to be on a damn diet? Where’s Trent? Because I need that prick over here so I can punch his lights out and make myself feel better.”

Myra smiles at her friend.

Susie’s eyes narrow. “You look awful. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“I did, actually. I went to bed early. I got in about eight hours,” Myra says, “but I’ve been up since four.”

“Four? Yikes, that sucks. I hate to tell you this, but you look horrible. Incredibly skinny, which I absolutely hate you for, but horrible nonetheless.”

“Thanks. A lot.”

Susie grins. “Just keeping it real. You sure you’re feeling okay? Have you been eating? What did you have for breakfast?”

“Uh…”

“Mmhm, that’s what I thought,” Susie says as she nods her head. “I’m going to run downstairs and grab you a bagel, and because I’m seriously depressed over my weight gain, I’m going to cheer myself up by eating a couple of donuts.
I’ll be back
,” Susie says in her best
Terminator
voice before she quickly exits Myra’s cubicle.

“I don’t want anything,” Myra uselessly calls out as Susie scats down the hallway.

* * *

“Where’re we going for lunch?” Susie asks, her eyes shining as she steps up to Myra’s desk.

“I don’t care. You pick.”

“Well, those donuts didn’t cheer me up this morning so I want to eat something really bad and really good. Oooh, let’s do Mexican. I’m in the mood to scarf down a mountain of chips and salsa.” Susie excitedly wiggles her eyebrows as she hits the down button for the elevator.

“That’s fine,” Myra says.

A short time later, they sit at a table with their food. “Myra, I…” Susie says but abruptly stops talking when a chunk of salsa slides off her chip and lands with a splat against her blouse.

“You crapping piece of shitty salsa,” Susie mumbles as she wipes at the stain. With a sneer, she tosses her napkin on the table and picks up another chip, cramming it in her mouth.

“Aren’t you going to…?” Myra says as she motions towards her shirt.

“No. Screw it. I’m too lazy to get up and there are just way too many chips on this table right now. And, damn it, we only have an hour for lunch.”

Myra smiles but says nothing as she watches and listens to her comical friend’s loud chip devouring, which includes a lot of crunching noises. But Myra doesn’t touch any herself.

“Jeff tried to get me to go to the gym last night, but of course I didn’t go,” Susie says in between bites. “Instead I sat at home on my big, fat, lazy ass and ate a bag of chips while I watched some show about a guy who weighed eight hundred pounds.” She stares at Myra for a second, before her eyes widen. “Damn it, I forgot about those chips. No wonder I gained five fucking pounds.”

But then her mood seems to brighten. “Mm, they were so good. They were some kind of cheddar cheese flavor. I can’t remember what the hell they were called. Ever had them?” she asks as Myra shakes her head. “Oh, well, they have this thick coating of fake cheese shit on them that tastes so good. But it makes your breath smell like baked ass the next day. No wonder my breath was atrocious this morning.” Susie’s face scrunches up as she waves a hand in front of her mouth.

Myra giggles.

“Anyway, back to my story. God, I’m so easily distracted by food. So Jeff walked in the door from the gym looking all muscly and like Mr. Universe or something and drank his annoying protein shake giving me
the look.
You know the one that is supposed to make me feel guilty for not going, which never works. I just wanted to take that shake and shove it up his skinny ass. It’s so hard to live with an in-shape, health nut freak.” She pauses and stares at Myra for a moment. “I mean, I know you’re a health nut, but you don’t rub it in my face. I feel like such a fatso fatty butt around him. I disgust myself,” Susie grumbles as she piles extra sour cream and guacamole on her enchiladas.

“You know what you need to do to lose weight.”

“I know, I know,” Susie says, shutting Myra up as she rolls her eyes and waves a chip in the air. “It’s just so hard for me because I have absolutely no self-control. I got skipped when that shit was handed out in heaven. And I just love my food. I think I have an addiction.” She holds her fist up to her mouth like a microphone and belts out, “
Might as well face it, I’m addicted to grub.”
Susie sings in a much too loud voice, completely massacring Robert Palmer’s song.

Myra laughs until she can barely breathe. “You’re killing me,” she gasps, holding her stomach.

Susie laughs along with her. “Okay, I have to admit that was pretty funny. I crack my own self up,” she brags as she wipes tears from her eyes. “All right. Enough stupid talk about me and my bubble booty. How are you really doing? Because I’ve been worried about you lately.”

“I’m okay,” Myra says with a sigh as she stares down at her barely touched salad.

“Sorry, don’t believe you. You know you can’t hide shit from me; I know you too well. What can I do to help? And you have to start eating more, or you’re just going to disappear into thin air like a ghost or something,” Susie says before loading an obscene amount of salsa onto a chip and cramming it in her mouth.

“I know. I just haven’t had much of an appetite. It’s just been really hard,” Myra says as she slips her hand into her bag on the chair next to her and touches the letter. “It’s hard for me to put into words. I feel so alone right now.”

“Well, you’re not alone. You’ve got me – one of the most wonderful people in the free world, in case you’d forgotten,” she says with a wink, “and you’ve got Jeff and the boys. You know that I automatically inducted you unofficially into my family a long time ago, right? I gave you no choice in the matter.” Susie grins at her.

Myra gives her a small smile back. “Yeah, I know. It’s just different to know that I don’t have any relatives left. It’s hard knowing I’m all by myself now.”

“Well, you need to change your outlook on things. I still have my family so I don’t even want to pretend that I know how you’re feeling, because I don’t. But I do know you don’t have to have blood relatives around you to make you feel that you’re loved and cared for. Think about all of the people in the world that have been adopted. They have people that love them, but they’re not blood related.”

Myra nods.

“Hey, can we get some more chips and salsa, please?” Susie hails the waiter as Myra quickly pulls the letter out of her bag and lays it in her lap without her friend seeing.

“How are you feeling about Trent?” Susie asks.

Myra’s gaze drops to her lap, focusing on the letter. “About the same. It still hurts. Even after all this time. I still can’t believe he fell for her and all her lies.”

“I know. The problem is you can’t move on and put him in the past because you have to see his dickhead self every day along with that skankenstein. Things would be so different if you didn’t have to see that giant prick at work all the time.”

“I know.”

“Hey. I forgot to tell you that Jeff has this friend at work whose brother just moved to town. Now he’s divorced with four kids but he sounds like a…”

“No.”

“Come on. It’s been a year. You need to get out there and start dating again.” Susie lowers her voice and raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you horny?”

“For God’s sake,” Myra mutters.

“I know you have to be missing
the big wong
,” Susie says the words in a deep man’s voice, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

“We are not discussing this,” Myra hisses, her face flushed as she quickly looks around the restaurant to make sure no one heard.

“Well, this conversation’s not over. It’s time for you to move on, and you know I’m right. You’re stuck, hon. You need someone or some
thing
to help get you unstuck.”

Myra sighs and stares down at her salad for a few minutes. “Here,” she eventually says, picking up the letter off of her lap and laying it in the center of the table.

“What’s this?” Susie asks as she picks it up.

Myra says nothing as she watches Susie open the letter and read it.

“
Okay,
” Susie says as she folds the letter and lays it back on the table. “We’ve had this conversation before. What does this mean? Is this for real?”

“I don’t know,” Myra answers, playing with the napkin on her lap. “I want it to be.”

“You know I’ve told you over and over again that you need to ditch this job and get away from Trent and that hobag harlot, and I understand why you haven’t. The cancer in your family, the insurance, I get it. I also know for a fact there are no copy editor jobs in Philly right now.”

Myra nods. “You know my dream is to just quit and write a novel. I’ve got plenty of money in the bank, but if I get cancer like mom did and don’t have insurance, I’ll never be able to survive. My savings would be wiped out on my medical expenses, and I wouldn’t have enough money to live on. Now that I don’t have any family left, I just have to be extra careful.” Myra picks up the letter and tucks it back in her bag.

“So why did you write a resignation letter?” Susie asks.

“I’m not sure. I just feel so desperate. The logical side of my brain tells me that I have to keep this job for the health insurance and benefits. But the illogical side tells me to screw it and turn the letter in and get the hell out of here. I’m twenty-five and mom died at thirty…”

Susie immediately interrupts. “Just because your mom died of cancer doesn’t mean you’ll ever even get cancer. Yeah, yeah, I know all about the research studies blah blah blah and about the odds of you getting it, but you don’t know what the future holds.”

“I know, but I have to be prepared. I’m just not a risk taker.”

Susie looks at her watch. “Ugh, look at the time,” she says before stuffing another chip in her mouth. Myra watches as she wraps up the rest of the chips in a napkin and shoves them in her purse.

* * *

“I’m going to stop by the vending machine and get me a candy bar. I need something sweet to offset all of that spicy food. I’ll stop by your desk later, okay?” Susie says.

Myra nods before she steps onto the elevator and presses the button for the tenth floor. The conversation from lunch plays over in her mind, and she pays no attention to the people getting on and off the elevator until it stops on the fifth floor. The elevator doors open and Myra’s stomach drops to the balls of her feet when she sees the gorgeous blonde standing there.

Julia shoots daggers with her eyes as her stilettos make sharp clicking noises against the tiled floor as she steps onto the elevator. Myra swallows hard, keeping her eyes trained straight ahead as she tries desperately to pretend she doesn’t see her. From the corner of her eye, she catches Julia flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder. Her eyes widen when she hears her mutter
“bitch”
under her breath.

“Excuse me?” Myra asks as she turns to face her.

“You heard me, bitch
,
” Julia says with her lip snarled. “I know what you’re trying to do.” Her perfect features twist with hatred. “I'm not stupid. I know you're trying to get Trent back with this little mourning act of yours for your brother or uncle or whoever the fuck you told him died. But it’s not going to work. Because he’s in love with me now.” Her eyes burn into Myra's. “Don't think for a second that he’s ever going to come crawling back to you,” she says as she lays a hand gingerly on her belly. “Especially now.”

Myra’s mouth drops open as her heart pounds painfully. Her gaze darts from Julia’s hand, back up to her face and back down to her stomach again. “You can’t be… Are you? What?”

Julia grins maliciously, leaning close to Myra’s face. “Listen good.” One of her perfectly manicured red fingernails pokes at Myra's shoulder. “I know you're still in love with him. But you better back the fuck off because there’s no way in hell he’s ever taking you back.”

Julie sends Myra one more wicked scowl before she exits the elevator.

* * *

Myra’s hands grip the railing until her knuckles turn white. She hangs on for dear life afraid that if she lets go, she’ll collapse. Crumble. Disappear. Her breath rasps in and out of her mouth; she can hear the thumping of her heart in her ears. The elevator continues to dutifully move up and down the floors letting people on and off.