Color of Loneliness (2 page)

He pauses.

“Myra, I’m so sorry.”

He clears his throat.

“God, this is hard. I know what he meant to you. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need to talk.”

While finishing her coffee, she hits the replay button over and over again listening to the message as it echoes repeatedly off the walls of her apartment.

* * *

As Myra steps off the subway, several people jostle her as they make a mad dash to get to work. Everyone seems to be in a hurry. Except for her. She walks at a slow, leisurely pace.

She doesn’t want to be early, but she couldn’t sleep last night. Picking up a coffee and a newspaper, she reads, occasionally glancing at her watch. Eventually, she tosses the paper and empty cup into the trash and walks the remaining short distance to her office with a bad feeling brewing in her stomach.

* * *

A couple of clicks on the computer and her email inbox pops up. She groans when she sees how many unread messages there are. Scanning the senders’ names, she quickly identifies the ones of most importance. Then Myra begins the odious task of plodding through them, reading, responding, and deleting.

“Hi.” The deep voice she doesn’t want to hear calls out from behind her, causing her heart to skip a beat. Closing her eyes, she takes in a deep breath before swiveling her chair around.

“Can we talk?” he asks as he takes a step inside her cubicle.

Glaring at him, she shakes her head.

“Please? Just for a minute.” He takes a step closer. Instinctively, she wraps her arms around her stomach.

“I have nothing to say to you,” she whispers as she glances around, hoping no one in the office can see them.

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.” He steps closer, sitting down on the empty desk next to her computer, crossing his arms over his large chest.

She chews on her fingernail as she debates what to do. “Fine. Where?”

“The conference room,” he says with a satisfied look on his face. As she follows him down the hallway, she furtively glances around the crowded office. Every set of curious eyes she makes contact with causes her chest to ache.

After closing the door behind her, Trent sighs and turns, facing her. She clenches her hands into fists at her side. “How did you get my phone number?” she demands before he can say a word.

“I bribed Lori in HR for it. Sorry about that. But she wouldn’t give me your cell.”

“You know that’s against the law, right?” Myra says her eyes narrowed.

He shrugs. “You gave me no choice. I needed to talk to you.”

Myra backs up when he takes a step closer. “How are you?” he asks in a gentle voice.

“Stay right where you are. I’m fine, thank you,” she says through gritted teeth. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

“It’s me, remember? I know how you’re feeling. I know what Grampie meant to you.” The tenderness in his voice makes Myra’s stomach roll.

“You don’t know how I feel. And my problems don’t concern you anymore. You lost that right when you cheated on me.”

“I never cheated. Always remember that. I wasn’t with her until after we broke up.”

“You did cheat. You cheated with your heart. And to me that’s a million times worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

Myra stares at him, not speaking, and definitely not accepting his apology.

“We need to talk. I just, I wish I could do things over. I wish things could be different between us. I hate this. You know that I still care for you deeply, right?”

“It doesn’t matter. I need to get back to work.” She walks past him and grabs the doorknob.

“Myra, please,” he begs, pushing his hand against the back of the door, keeping it closed. “I have things I need to talk to you about.”

“Let me out,” she pleads, tugging on the handle as her heart pounds. He raises an eyebrow and slowly removes his hand. Exhaling, she makes her way down the hallway, her eyes downcast, wishing no one could see her. Wishing she was far away from this place. Sitting back down at her desk, she swallows the lump in her throat and tries hard not to break down.

* * *

“Honey, it’s been boring as shit on a hot rock around here without you.” Myra hears a chipper voice behind her causing her to smile.

“Hey,” she says as she pushes away from her desk and stands to give her best friend, Susie, a hug.

“I missed you. How was the funeral?” Susie asks as she leans against Myra’s desk and starts to unwrap a candy bar.

“I survived.”

“Sorry I couldn’t go. I still can’t believe El Numero Uno Dickhead wouldn’t let me off work,” Susie says in a low voice as she glances around the office. “Who the crapola cares that he needed
coverage for the holidays
?” she says with a sneer. “I’ve made sure to do jackshit around here while you were gone just to prove to that asstard that he could’ve let me off.”

“It’s okay.”

“Do you need anything? Want me to come over tonight? We could watch a movie or something. Jeff can take care of the kids because you know that man always owes me for something. And I can bring lots of food so we could just veg out and chow down,” Susie says before taking a huge bite of her candy bar.

“No, I’m fine. Really. But thanks,” Myra says with a weak smile.

Susie quickly chews her bite. “You sure? You don’t look fine. You look like you’ve lost a few pounds,” she says as she waves her candy bar at her. “What are you now a size 0 or a negative 2? You want some of my candy bar?”

“No,” Myra says with a chuckle.

“Good, because I don’t feel like sharing,” Susie says as she takes another huge bite.

Myra takes in a deep breath. “I’m trying. I really am.”

“I need to fatten you up. How about I let you borrow a couple of these giant fat rolls that I have crammed under this miserable, tight-as-hell skirt I’m wearing,” she says as she pinches a chunk of fat around her middle and grins widely. “You know how I’m all about sharing the love.”

“I’ll take two fat rolls, please,” Myra says matching Susie’s smile.

“Only two? Hell, as skinny as you are? I’m thinking you need to start out with like maybe four or six. And I haven’t even started talking about all of the fat on my giant ass.”

Myra smiles and shakes her head.

“Well, I gotta run. We still on for lunch? I’m starving,” Susie says as she stuffs the last bite of candy bar in her mouth.

“Sure.”

Susie grins again and has some chocolate stuck in her front teeth. Myra smiles and shakes her head as she watches her friend walk away.

* * *

“Oh my God, I thought this morning would never end,” Susie says. “I am so hungry. Let’s get pizza. I started this new diet last week while you were gone. It’s called the
Pasta and Chocolate Diet
. See, you’re supposed to…”

“Are you crazy?” Myra says, interrupting her. “That can’t be healthy.”

“Hey, don’t pass judgment until you hear about it, you bean pole,” Susie retorts. “You eat pasta for lunch and dinner and then at night, you get to eat one ounce of chocolate with some popcorn. But for some damn reason, I’m starving to death. I feel like my stomach has teeth, and it’s trying to devour me from the inside out. I mean I’m literally about to pass out on the floor from complete starvation,” she says before she quickly prattles off an order for a slice of pizza with everything and breadsticks with extra dip. Myra orders a salad.

They sit down at a table. “You shouldn’t try fad diets,” Myra says. “You could get sick.”

“I know. I only lasted two days. Ah, hell, it was probably more like four hours. Anyway, one of these days I’m going to figure out how to remove these last thirty pounds from my fat gigantic self even if I have to cut the slabs off with scissors,” Susie says before adding a thick layer of parmesan cheese to her slice of pizza.

Myra laughs softly and shakes her head.

“So I heard Trent showed up at your desk this morning. How’d that go?” Susie asks while dipping her breadstick in both cheese and pizza sauce.

Myra shrugs. “Same old conversation. He wants to talk and be my friend. I can never be his friend, and I don’t know why he doesn’t understand that.”

“It’s because he’s an asshole. Asshole brains don’t work the same as ours do. Too much brown sludge,” Susie says before breaking out into a fit of giggles.

“For God’s sake, I’m trying to eat here.” Myra’s lip curls as she pushes away her not-yet-touched salad.

“Sorry,” Susie says, smiling sheepishly. “Look, the ass was in a committed relationship with you and then just suddenly happened to fall in love – I mean lust – with Julia that bitchho skank.” Susie makes a face like she just smelled something horrific.

Myra nods.

“And honey, I don’t know how you can stand watching him flaunt her in front of you day in and day out at work like you do. I’d have committed double homicide by now.”

“You know why.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just really concerned about you, that’s all. You know I love you,” Susie says as she leans forward and grabs Myra’s hand. “I hate seeing you upset over that sludgebrain because he’s so not worth it. It’s been almost a year, and that prick needs to leave you the hell alone. You’ve got enough going on in your life without having to worry about his stupid sorry ass as well.”

“I know.”

“You want me to kick his cheatin’ tiny balls for ya? ‘Cuz I’m feeling a ‘lil frisky today.” Susie holds up her hands demonstrating her karate chopping abilities and adds in some terrible Kung Fu movie sound effects along with it.

Myra giggles and shakes her head.

* * *

As Myra enters her darkened apartment, she throws her keys on the table by the door. Slumping onto the couch, she doesn’t bother removing her coat or boots. She simply stares into the darkness at nothing. The quiet stillness combined with the dark has a nice numbing effect on her.

But it doesn’t last long. The empty house reminds her of her loneliness. How she has no one. It reminds her of how many people she’s lost that she loved.

Leaning her head back against the couch, she shuts her eyes as one tear after another slip down her cheeks. Her sobs echo and bounce around her quiet apartment. Curling up into a ball, she cries until she feels empty. Until she has nothing left.

Using only her sense of touch, she makes her way down the hallway to the bathroom. She fumbles in the darkness until her hands find the bathtub where she blindly turns on the water. Her coat falls to the floor as she kicks her boots to the side and removes her clothing. Slipping into the warm water, she relishes the prickly heat of it against her skin as she closes her eyes and tries to forget.

* * *

Myra finally steps out of the bathtub once the water has cooled and her skin has wrinkled. Water drips everywhere as she fumbles for the light switch. Squinting against the brightness, she steps up to the mirror and stares at her shivering self. Her long, dark matted hair lies flat against her skin. The once perfect mascara has left black tracks down her red cheeks; dark rings surround her swollen, bloodshot eyes.

She doesn’t recognize the reflection in the mirror. The sad, depressed woman she sees staring back at her has to be someone else. It can’t be her. As she stares into the stranger’s empty eyes reflecting back at her, she wishes she could make it all go away. Make the emptiness disappear. But she doesn’t know how.

As her body quakes from the cool air of the bathroom on her wet skin, she continues staring deep into her own eyes noticing the vacant nothingness. She stares until her eyes start to blur and her vision becomes distorted.

With her fists closed tightly, she furiously rubs her eyes, smearing her mascara even more. Staring at herself again, her lip quivers as a tear slips down her cheek. “I can’t do this anymore,” she whispers brokenly to the unknown person staring back at her.

CHAPTER 2

YELLOW, INDECISION

Myra takes a towel and washcloth out of the linen closet. After wetting the cloth with hot water, she scrubs it across her eyes, cheeks, and chin, wishing she could wipe away the reflection she sees. Make it go away like the black streaks on her face.

After drying off and putting on some heavy flannel pajamas, she slips under the covers and rubs the tender skin of her face against the soft, satiny silk of her pillow. Glancing at the clock beside her bed, she sighs heavily because she never goes to bed this early. But within minutes, she falls asleep.

* * *

Jolting awake with her eyes wide, her heart pounds as she quickly scans the bedroom. She stares intently into the darkness, her eyes and ears straining for what could have startled her. Seeing and hearing nothing, she flops back onto her pillow and waits for her heartbeat to slow down. Glancing at the clock, she groans when she sees she still has hours before she needs to get up. She stares at the ceiling for a while, but knows she won’t be sleeping any time soon.

Shuffling out of bed, she retrieves her laptop. Propping a pillow behind herself, she pulls up an empty Word document. The white glow from the screen casts unusual shadows on the walls around her. She stares at her computer for the longest time as she thinks. Finally, with a sigh, her fingers move to the keyboard and begin typing.