College Girl (26 page)

“What would you be doing if you
weren’t here?” I asked curiously, looking up at him and squinting against the
setting sun.

“Yelling at my laptop, abusing a
punching bag at the Rec Center …”

“That’s what you did for the
entire break? That sounds depressing.”

“Life of a grad student. I also
spent two days in Vegas with James and a couple of buddies from college,” he
said with a sheepish look.

I laughed.

“Good times?”

“Vegas with McDevitt? I would call
it dangerous, inadvisable … stupid.”

He looked amused but regretful,
and I wondered if he had hooked up with anyone. I shouldn’t have cared. After
all, Ryan had made it completely clear that there
was
no
us
the day he had walked out of
the hospital. The kiss back at the parking lot earlier this morning had been an
accident. A mistake. He probably regretted it now. I looked out at the water
and shrugged.

“I guess you and Rachel were doing
the same thing, then. Wow. Now I feel like the only person who didn’t hit
Arizona or Nevada for National Hookup Week.”

Ryan grabbed my arm and pulled me
to a stop.

“Is that what you think I was
doing?”

I straightened up.

“It isn’t any of my business what
you were doing. I was just being conversational. You can do whatever you want.
I’m just glad you were willing to come get me. I appreciate it.”

My enunciation of each word was
crisp and formal, and I could hear the strange coldness in my voice. It was the
perfect defense mechanism. Even when I was hurting, I could look like I didn’t
give a shit. In fact, the more hurt I felt, the easier it was to feign complete
and total indifference. Ryan grabbed my other arm and pulled me closer.

“Alex, fuck this friends-only
shit. I want a second chance to be with you. I don’t deserve one, but I’m
asking for it. You decide. I don’t want to lose you again.”

Part of me wanted to scream at
him.
You didn’t lose me—you left!
There was only one problem with that little piece of self-righteous bullshit. Saying
it would make me a hypocrite.
Because I had done the same
thing.
I had run away from him first. We both kept doing the same damn
thing—running away when things got scary. Was it fear of losing the other
person? I frowned. Running away because you were afraid to lose something made
no sense. But did anything about Ryan and me make sense?

I looked toward the horizon and
watched the sun’s rays bouncing off the water toward us. Turning to face him, I
took a deep breath.

“Okay. I’m going to be completely
honest with you, and I don’t expect you to say anything back. But if you can’t
handle it, I need to know.”

He nodded, but didn’t say
anything.

“I love you.”

There. I had said one more time.
Now he knew without a doubt what my feelings were, and if he wanted to run, then
that was on him.

Ryan

I stared down at Alex and tried to
remember the first time or the last time either of my parents had said those
words to me, to Becca, or to each other. Had I ever said them to Gretchen? I
had proposed to her, but had I ever said the words
I love you
?

What I felt for Alex was
indefinable. At first it had felt like an addiction, an obsession. But
somewhere along the way it had changed. And the day I had seen her get hit by
that car, it had felt like my world was ending.

So I had run away rather than face
that possibility.

I didn’t want to say anything
insincere or insulting. Instead I pulled her to me, hoping that I could make
her understand what I felt for her. I let my lips graze hers and wrapped an arm
around her waist, bringing my other hand to her cheek. When I brushed my lips
against her ear, she shivered.

“Will you let me show you what I
feel for you?”

She looked up at me, and when I
took her hand, I could feel her trembling.

“Alex … I don’t deserve to be, but
I want to be your first. More than anything.”

I didn’t say it, but I wanted to
be the
only
person to touch her, and
the possessiveness I felt scared the shit out of me. Her breathing hitched, and
she pulled back. I held my breath as she stared up at me.

“I want that, too,” she said
finally.

We started walking back to the
room as the sun drifted toward the horizon. Looking over at her, I realized
that I didn’t want to consume her. I wanted to be with her, to learn from her …
and to teach her. Unlocking the door to the room, I walked into the kitchen and
opened the refrigerator.

“Are you hungry?”

She laughed and seemed to relax.

“Yeah. Starving.”

I motioned for her to take a seat
at the bar and started collecting items for dinner. Then I poured a small glass
of wine
for myself and a glass of sparkling cider
for
Alex. Looking at the cider, she frowned.

“No wine tonight,” I said
seriously. “I need you to be completely sober. Do you understand why?”

She nodded.

“Well, if you’re not going to let
me help, you mind if I take a shower?”

I smiled as I thought about
following her into the shower.

“Go ahead.”

She grabbed her bag, and I watched
her take out her phone. With a twinge of guilt, I remembered that her parents
thought she had driven north with her flaky friend from high school.

“Yeah, Mom.
Safe
and sound.
I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”

When she put the phone down, I saw
her hand shaking a little. She started walking toward the bathroom, but she
stopped when I called her name.

“You can change your mind whenever
you want.”

She set the bag down in the
bathroom and then turned back and walked over to me. She wrapped her hands
around my neck and drew me down until our lips touched. Then she let go.

“I don’t want to.”

I watched as she walked back to
the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Finn got up and sat outside the
door, like he was guarding it. Hearing the shower turn on, I tried to focus on
chopping tomatoes and garlic. I felt guilty—but also relieved out of my
goddamned mind—that I had taken the box of condoms out of the grocery bag
before Alex had unpacked it. I was a dick for even buying them, but I hadn’t
wanted to get caught without protection and end up kicking myself for eternity.

I left the sauce to simmer and
walked over to the nightstand to open the box of condoms. Staring down at the
bottle of lubricant next to them, I realized that I had been thinking about
this moment … a lot. I was very aware it was Alex’s first time, and I wasn’t
going to take the chance of hurting her. Taking out the bag of tea-light
candles—another illicit purchase I hadn’t wanted her to see—I put
them around the room, lighting them with the lighter I had lifted off of that
douchebag last night.

I finished making the salad while
the sauce cooked, and when the shower stopped running, I put the pasta in the
water. A few minutes later, the door to the bathroom opened. I waited, but Alex
didn’t come out. Smiling, I leaned forward on the counter and watched with
amusement as my dog wagged his tail, like he was encouraging her to come out.
When she finally did, I felt my cock stiffen with the same ruthless insistence
as the first night I had seen her in Robertson’s class. She looked around the
room.

“Wow,” she whispered.

Her long, dark hair was loose,
hanging straight down her back, and her cheeks were flushed from the hot water.
She was wearing a pair of black silk shorts and a matching top that made her
pale skin glow. I swallowed. I was about to make a joke about losing my
appetite—because right now all I wanted to do now was carry her to the
bed. I didn’t say anything, though, not wanting to come off as a complete dick.
Leaving dinner on the counter, I walked over to her, and Alex glanced down at
her outfit self-consciously.

“I’ve never worn these before,”
she blushed. “I guess it’s a little silly for dinner.”

“You’re beautiful. And you’ve made
it very difficult for me to focus on eating,” I pointed out.

She laughed.

“Well, it smells amazing, so maybe
I should change into sweats.”

I shook my head.

“I’ll manage.”

She followed me to the counter.

“They have a good restaurant in
the hotel. I would have taken you out if it weren’t for him.”

I cast an accusing finger at my
poor dog, but Alex shook her head.

“This is better.”

She set a pill case on the counter
before going to the refrigerator and taking out one of the water bottles. I
watched as she swallowed a tiny blue pill.

“I’ve been on the pill since I was
sixteen. I mean, not for sex …” She blushed again. “Well, obviously.”

Fuck the condoms
, a voice in my head screamed. But that wouldn’t be
fair to her. She took the salads to the table, and I walked over and pressed
play on the phone, which was in the dock by the bed. Joining her at the table, I
watched as she took a bite of salad.

“I’m going to die when I have to
go back to dorm food,” she sighed. “Okay, I’m being dramatic. I’m not going to
die. I’m going to dream about this dinner, though.”

I smiled, but really, I was hoping
that after tonight she would be dreaming about what came after dinner. I
watched her carefully throughout dinner, searching for any sign that she would
change her mind—because part of me knew this was wrong. But the rational
side of me had given up the second I had seen her running toward me yesterday
afternoon. This was my second chance, and I wasn’t going to give it up. The
only thing that would stop me tonight was one word from her:
no
. Apart from that, an eight-point-oh
earthquake wouldn’t
fucking
stop me. I had made too
many mistakes. I had almost lost her.

Tonight was ours.

I ate two plates of pasta in the
time it took Alex to finish one, and when I stood to clear the dishes, Alex
helped. Standing at the sink, I looked over at her.

“Dessert?” I asked
,
trying not to seem like the only thing I could think of
was stripping those little black pajamas from her creamy skin.

She nodded, but when I reached for
the door to the refrigerator, she stopped me. Pulling up my shirt, she leaned
forward and kissed my chest. Then she laughed breathlessly.

“Damn, you’re tall.”

“Or you’re very short,” I teased,
helping her to pull the shirt over my head.

When her fingertips skated over my
chest, I stopped smiling.

“Alex, if you want to stop, you
have to tell me, because I’m not going to want to. Okay?”

She bit her lip.

“Okay,” she nodded.

Her hands dropped to the front of
my jeans, and I gritted my teeth as my cock jerked. I grabbed her hands and
stilled them before bending down slowly and lifting her into my arms. Reaching the
bed, I set her down on the floor and brushed her hair back so that I could kiss
her neck just below the jaw. When she shivered, I began pulling up the thin top
covering her breasts. Then I dropped to my knees and eased the shorts over her
hips. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and when my lips brushed her hip, she
trembled.

Standing, I lifted her and laid
her on the bed, careful of the marks on her ribs. I kissed the bruises and
tried not to think about driving back to Southern California to destroy the
prick
who
had hurt her. Holding myself above her, I
trailed my lips up to her neck, and she reached up for my belt again. I shook
my head.

“Not yet.”

I shifted until I was lying next
to her on the bed and then began kissing her slowly, gently. Her lips parted,
and I tasted her, my tongue pushing slowly into the soft moistness of her
mouth. When I reached up pinched her nipples, she squirmed. Then I began to
kiss my way down to the soft skin of her stomach. Taking a pillow, I pulled it
beneath her hips before spreading her open. I touched her clit with my tongue
and began stroking her in small, gentle circles as I held her hips still. When
she moaned, I pulled back and looked up at her. Her breathing was choppy, and
her eyes were closed. I wanted to take her so badly. But tonight I needed
her
to want it more.

Trailing my lips back up her body,
I took her nipples into my mouth one at a time, grazing each one lightly with
my teeth until she whimpered. When I came down beside her and touched her
cheek, her eyes fluttered open.

“Alex? Are you ready? Because I’m
about to go further than we’ve gone before.”

She nodded, but when I looked
down, her hands were clenching the sheets. Bending to kiss her again, I slid my
hand slowly across her stomach before dipping lower. My middle finger came down
on her clit, and she gasped. I did it again, caressing her slowly over and over
before letting my fingers slip down to test the entrance to her pussy. When I
penetrated her with a single finger, her muscles clenched around me and I felt my
cock stiffen painfully. She was so tight. I pulled out and then slid back in
gently as I pushed my tongue into her mouth.

My entire body was screaming for
me to take her, but I held back, sliding my finger back to her clit and caressing
her until she was whimpering and bucking against me. When I stopped, Alex
looked up at me in a daze. I rose off the bed, and her eyes darted to my hips
as I undid the belt. Then she watched silently as I tugged off the jeans.

Her chest rose and fell quickly
with each breath as I pulled my boxers to the ground. Then she licked her upper
lip, and that one, small motion undid me. I reached for the condoms on the
nightstand and tore one off. Pinching the tip, I rolled it on and picked up the
bottle of lubricant. She was very wet, but I still applied a generous amount to
the condom and my fingers before coming down on my knees between her legs. This
time, when my fingers slid against her pussy, she tensed.

“Is it going to hurt?”

“Not if I can help it.”

I began stroking her clit again, quickening
the pace until she nearly came apart beneath me. Then I lifted her hips and
waited for her eyes to open again.

“Are you sure?” I whispered.

“Yes,” she cried. “Ryan, please.”

I held my breath as I guided the
tip into the hot, wet heat of her pussy. Gritting my teeth, I struggled against
the urge to thrust all the way as she gasped and tensed beneath me. Jesus. She
was so fucking tight.

“It’s okay, Alex. Relax.”

I lowered my mouth to hers again
and kissed her softly. Then I nipped her lower lip and pressed past the
entrance. Pushing slowly, steadily until I was all the way inside, I held her
as a pained cry ripped from her lips. With every ounce of restraint I had, I
kept myself still, my muscles straining to keep the weight from her chest. Then
I pulled out, and she whimpered, her hips arching to meet me. Groaning in
relief, I grasped her waist and lifted her as I came to my knees. I lowered her
slowly onto my cock, brushing my lips against her ear.

“I’ve wanted this since the first
moment I saw you. I wanted to be your first.”

She whimpered again as I began
rocking her. Her cheeks were flushed, and the feeling of her around me was
driving me over the edge. I needed her to come
now
. I brought my mouth to hers again, feeling her arms tighten
reflexively around me. I couldn’t stop. I urged her faster until her breathing
hitched.

“Come for me. I need to feel you
coming while I’m inside you.”

Dropping my hand between us, I
stroked her clit as I filled her. Her head fell back, and she cried out as her
pussy tightened relentlessly around my cock, pushing me to the brink of pain.
In that moment I lost control, urging her to ride me over and over until my
vision narrowed. The clenching of her muscles brought me all the way, and I
growled as I pumped into her.

Lowering her to the bed, I ran my
thumb across her lower lip. Then I kissed her flushed cheeks, her forehead, and
her temples. When her breathing began to even out, I pulled out very slowly and
got up.

In the bathroom, standing over the
trashcan, I saw a small amount of blood on the condom and my fingers. I washed
off and walked back into the room where I found Alex on her side, watching me.
My stomach tightened.

“Did I hurt you?”

She shook her head before pausing.

“Well, it hurt, but only for a few
seconds. That was …” She blushed. “
Wow
.”

Walking over to the bed, I lay
down beside her and drew her against me.

“I was wondering, though …”

She stopped and blushed an even
deeper red. Smiling, I waited.