Cold Comfort (21 page)

Dinner was a bit of a waste of time. The
band had all been doing cocaine, so none of them had any sort of appetite by
the time our meal was served. Similarly, I was feeling off-kilter after seeing
this new side of Cat, which had killed my appetite too. Only Eddy remained
unaffected. Where drink was concerned, though, the band had no issues. They
started with champagne to celebrate the single and had rapidly moved on to
whiskey. I’d had a couple of glasses but then slowed up my drinking; however, Cat
seemed to be consuming enough for the pair of us. As a group we were loud, and
I cringed as people stared disapprovingly across the restaurant at the cause of
all the racket.

When we finally stood to head for the club
I was relieved. Cat immediately looped his arm round my shoulders and pulled me
into his side as we walked outside. But when we reached the pavement the cars
had been forced to circle the block again to avoid causing traffic problems. By
the time they returned we had acquired a large group of fans who had started to
become overexcited at being so near their idols and were jostling against us to
get even closer. I was gradually pushed aside as the women tried to get closer
to Cat. I watched, standing quietly beside Eddy at the back of the crowd, as Cat
lapped up the attention.

When two of the women managed to persuade
someone they should join us in our car I started to get annoyed. I didn’t
begrudge them trying their luck with rock stars, but they were meant to be with
Henry and Dougie. Instead, as soon as they stepped in, they made it very clear
it was Cat they wanted. Henry and Dougie seemed completely unconcerned that the
women they were groping were making eyes at another man.

Henry got the coke out again and they all
did some more, including the women, by which time everyone was talking complete
shit. They made poor company. “You’re so freaking beautiful,” Cat told me for
about the seventh time, before he started to talk about the beautiful album he
wanted to write with me. It was the usual bullshit of those high on drugs,
caught up in the momentum of their high, planning big, only to forget
everything the next day. I hated his glassy expression and the lack of his
usual intellectual sharpness. I just wanted to go home.

We reached the club, W1A, piled out the car
and went straight inside. The two hangers-on each grabbed one of Cat’s arms and
escorted him into the club while I hung back. He was too blitzed to notice or
care by this point, unused to the expectations of a girlfriend. Anger rose
within me. I nearly turned on my heel and went home, but then I thought ‘sod
it, two can play at this game’. Instead I lifted my head and marched into the
club with Matt and Eddy, ignoring the photographers who were snapping photos as
we walked past.

Inside I ignored the others as they all
headed for the VIP area. I knew what they’d be doing, sitting round a table,
drinking and allowing groupies to hang all over them, letting them offer sexual
favours which they may or may not choose to accept. Instead I headed for the
dance floor, found myself a corner and started to dance. The music was great. I
danced away the jealous bile that sizzled within me at the thought of what
those women would be trying to do to Cat. I didn’t think he’d actually fuck
someone else, but just the fact he’d let them paw him like that irritated me. And
then there were the drugs. I didn’t like the person he was when he took them. I
needed to think about what that meant for the future of our relationship. It
was still early days, but I knew I couldn’t share him. I just didn’t know if he
could commit to one woman.

The tracks flowed from one to another, and
then one of my favourite Daft Punk tunes came on, and I forgot about Cat and
just enjoyed dancing to it. I could feel there were men looking at me, but I
ignored everyone, deliberately not allowing anyone to catch my eye, moving to
the music and singing along. When arms went around my waist I prepared to lash
out until I recognised the familiar grip of Cat’s arms and the scent of him
wrapped itself comfortingly around me. Instead I allowed myself to be pulled
back against his chest.

“I couldn’t find you,” he whispered in my
ear. “I didn’t like it.”

“You seemed to have enough on your hands,”
I said waspishly, even as I let him grasp my hips and grind against my buttocks.
He pressed his face into my neck and breathed me in.

“I was surrounded by all the same old shit
again, but without you… without your light… I can’t…” He struggled to express
himself, his brain still full of chemicals.

“I was here. I am here,” I assured him. “If
you need me, I’m here,” I promised, a little rashly given how dark my thoughts
had been. “But don’t expect me to stand and watch other women fawn over you. I
don’t like it. I’m not a doormat.”

He led me to the side of the room, away
from the crowds that were forming around him, opening a door marked ‘Private’
that revealed an unlit corridor beyond and pulling me into the darkness. The
only light as the door closed was a faint red glow in the distance from what
looked like a fire exit sign. The sudden drop in noise engulfed me,
disorientating my senses and leaving my ears ringing.

“I don’t even notice them doing it most of the
time,” he said, spinning me so I faced him. “I’m numb to it. I hadn’t felt
anything for anyone for a long time until you walked into my life. You really
have no idea how different you are… and I can’t lose that… I can’t lose you.”
He ran his hand through his hair, the coke making him even more agitated than
usual. “I’m going to fuck up, I know I am. I’m selfish and thoughtless, and I’m
going to hurt you at some point, but I can’t lose you. Promise I won’t lose
you.”

“I promised someone before, and they hurt
me so badly. They let me down. It nearly destroyed me. I… I don’t know if I can
promise that, because I don’t want to be hurt like that again. I need to know I
can trust you, and I don’t know that I can yet.”

“But you have to…” he cried out, kissing me
fiercely until my body betrayed me and I returned the kiss. “I’ll prove it to
you,” he promised, his expression full of fervour. I wanted to believe him, but
the sheen in his eyes made me doubt him still. He was full of never-never
promises, fuelled by cocaine and about as reliable as a chocolate fireguard. But
he was here with me now. He had looked for me until he found me, despite all
the other distractions on offer. That had to count for something.

“Can we go home?” I asked, feeling a wave
of exhaustion. All the emotion of the day had finally caught up with me.

“Just one dance first? I haven’t had a
chance to dance with you yet. I want the world to see you in my arms and know
you’re mine.”

“I’m not sure the world is very bothered
about what I do.”

“I think you’d be surprised,” he said with
a smile, leading me back through the door and into the club. The sound hit like
a wall, and the heat followed a second after. The beat of the music was fast,
but Cat just led me into the middle of the floor, ignoring all the calls of his
name from every side. He placed my arms around his neck and his own around my
waist as we moved to the music. He pressed a kiss to my forehead. When I looked
up at him he pressed a second to my lips. And then we were kissing again, and
nothing else mattered.

One song passed, maybe two. “Get a room,”
someone shouted from the side as Cat began to run his hands all over me. I
pulled away embarrassed as Cat scowled at the guy.

“Let’s go home,” he whispered, and I
nodded, glad to be leaving. We had another big day coming up with the T.V.
performance. I just wanted to be in bed, in his arms, and forget about the
things that had been worrying me.

“Do we need to say goodbye to anyone?”

“No, I’ll let security tell them where we
are. Let’s go.” I let him lead me across the room, back out the doors and
towards the waiting car. I ignored all the phones and cameras directed at us,
hoping that I didn’t look too sweaty, praying the photos would not be too
horrible. I couldn’t expect to hang out with Cat and not get some attention
too.

“Delilah,” a voice called, “can I have your
autograph?” It was a girl’s voice, one lone voice in the midst of all the shouts
for Cat. He heard it too and stopped, looking for whoever had called.

She was about my age. I smiled at her as
Cat led me over. “Did you call for Delilah?” he asked. She blushed, and I
sympathised – his beautiful face addled my brain too.

“Yeah. I saw the Live Lounge recording. I
think she’s amazing, and her voice is so beautiful… when I saw on Twitter you
guys were here I came down. I didn’t mean to be a nuisance.”

“You’re not a nuisance,” he reassured her. “You
have good taste.” He pulled a Sharpie out his jacket pocket. “What have you got
for her to sign?”

“Do you mind taking a photo of me with
her?” she asked, blushing even more. He laughed, tucking the pen away again.

“Hand me the phone,” he said. About thirty
people handed phones out to him, but he took only the girl’s. “Get next to her,
Delilah,” he instructed. I did as I was told and moved beside her, putting an
arm around her shoulders while Cat took about three photos of us.

“Thank you so much,” the girl said
excitedly as Cat handed her phone back. She never once asked for a photo of
him.

I laughed. “Thank you for being the first
person to know my name.”

“I’m your first fan!” she gushed, clearly
delighted. “I’ll send you the photos. What’s your Twitter handle?”

“Um, I don’t have one. Sorry.”

“Send them to mine,” Cat interrupted. “@coldcomfortcat.
I’ll see she gets them. I’ll see she gets a Twitter account too, and then you
can be her first follower.”

“I will,” the girl promised. “Thank you so
much,” she said to me, as if I had done something incredible. It was all
slightly disconcerting.

We said our goodbyes and Cat finally led me
over to the car, ignoring all his own fans. I collapsed into the back seat and
started to laugh. “That was surreal. I can’t believe she’d come all that way
just to stand there and wait to see me.”

“Get used to it,” Cat said with a smile. “She’s
the first of many.”

“I doubt it, but that was fun anyway. What
are you doing?” I asked, as he fiddled about with his phone.

“Making you a Twitter account. Here, put in
a password and email address,” he said, handing his phone to me. I put my
details in and handed it back to him. “What do you want your handle to be?” he
asked.

“My name?”

“Oh, that’s boring. We need something clever.
I know…” He tapped away.

“What are you doing?”

He held his phone up and snapped a photo. “There
you go. That can be your profile picture for now.”

“What’s my Twitter name, Cat?”

“@mymymydelilah.” He snorted with laughter
at his own joke.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. I think it’s perfect. Right,
she’s already sent them to me. I’ll reply to her and tag you in it too…” He
paused while he fiddled with his phone. “Great, you have your first follower…
Oh, now you’ve got ten,” he said with a laugh, delighted with himself. “Let’s
see how many you have by tomorrow after this.” He tapped something into his
phone again.

“Let me see,” I demanded.

“No, you can look when we get home.” He
pulled his phone out of my reach and tucked it into his inside pocket. “Now,
where were we?” he asked, pulling me onto his lap. I willingly clambered onto
him, enjoying the return to our bubble of solitude, even though I knew it would
not last long.

That night, when we got back to Matt’s,
with the cocaine faded from his system, he made gentle love to me. The
intensity of his gaze as he pushed inside deeper than ever made my throat
thicken with emotion. He cried my name as he came, a raw, almost desperate
sound, before collapsing on top of me. My own body, replete with the pleasure
he’d already given me, pulsed around him as we remained tight within each other’s
arms, unwilling to move any further apart.

I woke to a crushing sensation in my leg. Cat
was still on top of me, at least his lower half was. I pulled away, feeling a
wet, sticky substance on my legs, gasping when I realised what it was. He’d fallen
asleep inside me and must have pulled out in his sleep, leaving the condom where
it was. I reached down, relieved to find it relatively easily. From the
position it seemed unlikely to have spilled inside me, but it was a close call.
I needed to get some more reliable contraception fast. I tried to slide out of
the bed but Cat instantly woke and caught me, blinking at me with bleary eyes.

“Where are you going?” He looked at his
watch. “It’s still early. We don’t have to get up yet.”

“Shower. I’m sticky. You fell asleep with
the condom on last night. I think it’s okay, but I want to wash the stickiness
away.”

His eyes widened and then flared with
something else. He rolled me onto my back, reaching to feel between my legs. He
groaned. “Fuck, that’s the fucking hottest thing ever feeling that all over
you.” His fingers played with me gently before easing inside me. “I want to
come inside you. I want to mark you as mine.” I could feel his erection like
steel beside me.