Cold Comfort (11 page)

“I hadn’t noticed,” I deadpanned. He
elbowed me in the side. “When did you find out?” I asked more seriously.

“When I was about ten. It’s no big deal. It
could be worse, and at least I can still play. I just drive my teachers mad
because I tend to play by ear rather than actually read the music. I have a
great memory – once I’ve heard something the first time, I can pretty much
play it back. It means that even if I do completely lose my sight one day I’ll
still be able to play.”

“That’s amazing.” I admired him for making
the best of his situation. “You play the violin, don’t you?”

“Yes, and a bit of piano, but not as well
as you from what I’ve heard.”

“You don’t have any other help?”

“No, my family have always helped me,
especially my brother. Otherwise I’ve tried to manage. I do quite fancy a dog
one day, though. I’ve always thought that would be kind of cool.”

“Well, can I at least offer you my arm?” I asked.
“That way I can shout if you’re about to walk in front of a car, and avoid you
killing yourself.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” He looked
surprised by my offer.

“Why would I mind?” I asked, genuinely
bemused. “It would be my pleasure.”

“I’m hardly the sort of guy a woman like
you would want to be seen with.” I stopped and looked at him, surprised myself
this time. “I can see enough to know you’re stunning. I’m hardly going to do
your street cred much good.”

“You’ll have noticed I have exactly zero
friends. That makes you a rarity in my life. Believe me, I’m being entirely
selfish by not letting you kill yourself. I can’t let my only friend get hit by
a bus.”

“I suppose not,” he said with a grin. And
when I offered him my elbow he grasped it gratefully.

Eddy and I quickly settled into an oddly
domesticated routine. The fact we had most of our classes together meant we
were able to travel in and out of the university at the same time. We quickly
became a fixture around the campus; I’d become accustomed to always offering
him my arm whenever we were together, and nine times out of ten he’d take it. The
odd time he didn’t was always because he’d caught sight of some guy he liked
the look of; for someone who was partially sighted, he had one hell of a
well-developed gaydar. I knew to everyone else we looked a bit of an odd
couple, but I couldn’t have cared less. Eddy was a sweet, kind, considerate guy,
and I thanked my lucky stars every day that I’d run into him that day in
Student Services.

I paid him back for his kindness in any way
I could. Helping him avoid uneven pavements was one thing, but watching a
partially sighted man try and cook was somewhat nerve-wracking. It was all in
my own head, as he was actually very proficient, but whenever I was able, when
I wasn’t serving pizzas at the restaurant down the road, I offered to cook for
the pair of us. The rest of the time we devoted ourselves to our music. His
love was as great as mine, and we quickly began to compose together. Apart from
missing Mama, over the six months we’d now been living together I’d never been so
happy.

“Delilah,” Robbie Masters started as soon
as he slid into the seat beside me while we waited for our lecture to start, “it’s
good to see you.” He’d been one of my most persistent admirers, particularly
over the last couple of weeks, materialising beside me when I least expected it.
He must have already asked me out twenty times, but I’d never been even
slightly tempted to say yes. Sure, he was good-looking, but I’d sworn off men.

“Robbie,” I acknowledged politely before
turning back to Eddy.

“Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”
Robbie asked for the twenty-first time.

“Sorry, Eddy and I are working on our
composition tonight,” I patiently explained. I didn’t like to be rude, but I
was reaching the limits of my manners.

“What do you see in him?” Robbie asked,
genuinely bemused.

“Sorry?” I said, turning back.

“Eddy. Here you are, one of the most
beautiful women I’ve ever laid eyes on, and the only guy you grace with your
time is Eddy. I mean, I don’t want to be rude, but… I don’t get it. What does
he have that the rest of us don’t?”

“Size does matter,” was all I could think
to say. His eyebrows rose as I continued; “It matters in everything…
personality, heart, brains… Eddy’s got them all. Oh, and an enormous penis,” I
added. Fortunately for me the lecture started at precisely that moment. I could
feel Robbie’s eyes flicking between me and Eddy, while Eddy tried to hold in the
snort of laughter that eventually erupted noisily, drawing every eye in the
room.

*

“Jesus, Delilah, I thought I was going to
swallow my tongue trying not to laugh back there,” Eddy said later, guffawing.

“Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I hope you
don’t mind?”

“Mind?” He laughed again. “You’re joking
aren’t you? I swear to god, I’ve never had so many smiles from women and nods
of respect from guys in my life. The rumour about the size of my penis has gone
round the campus like wildfire. I owe you a debt of gratitude.”

“Well, good then.” I smiled at him. “It can
go some way towards paying you back for saving my life. The last six months
have been amazing thanks to you. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you
over the summer.”

“I’ve told you, you’re welcome to stay at
the flat.”

“I know, but it won’t be the same without
you there.”

“Why don’t you go home and see your Mum? You
haven’t been to see her at Easter or Christmas. Won’t she be missing you?”

“Yeah, but it’s complicated. Anyway,” I
said, changing the subject. I hadn’t told him about what had happened at home
before I came away. I wasn’t ready to share my mother’s career choice just yet,
however much I loved Eddy. “What about this party tonight? Do you want to go? I’m
happy to go with you.”

“Sure. It’s not far, and Carl will be
there.” Carl was the object of Eddy’s current fantasies. “Maybe we can finally
find someone good enough for you too.”

“Maybe,” I said noncommittally.

Several hours later we were both dressed in
our finest and ready to party. I’d chosen a short denim skirt and halterneck
top, with a suede jacket to keep me warm in the chill of the May evening. My
hair was loose, and as ever I hadn’t bothered with make-up. “I’m thinking you’re
looking particularly lovely tonight, judging by the blurry outline I can see,”
Eddy announced when I emerged.

After slowly making our way across town to
the party, Eddy as ever gripping on to my elbow, we reached the venue. I was
momentarily dumbstruck. The place was huge. I tried to describe it to him, but the
door was opened before I had a chance. Robbie stood there beaming down at us. I
groaned. I hadn’t realised he’d be here, but I had to admire him for his
perseverance.

“Let me get you a drink,” Robbie insisted
as soon as we’d made it through the door and he’d taken my jacket from me. Eddie
rolled his magnified eyes as we both followed him through the house until we
reached the kitchen. “What can I get you?” he asked.

“She’s not a big drinker,” Eddie helpfully
informed him.

“Really? What have you tried so far?” he
asked.

“Umm, wine, beer, whiskey, gin…” I trailed
off. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then clearly had a revelation. He
disappeared over to the fridge, where he rummaged for a bit before emerging
with a carton. Then he grabbed some ice, put it in a glass and added a hefty
serving of vodka. Finally he added the juice. It was cranberry judging by the
vivid pink colour of the contents when he finally handed it to me. I took a
wary sip and was pleasantly surprised. “I like it,” I said with a smile.

“Eureka,” Eddy said with a laugh, as he
helped himself to a beer. I thanked Robbie, and Eddy and I went off to find
ourselves a corner to sit in. I was opening up a little more at these events
now, but I still wasn’t entirely comfortable to just chat with anyone.

When Carl came to sit with us, I was left
to sip my drink without the distraction of conversation, as the pair were too
busy flirting with one another to talk with me much. Three more vodka and
cranberries arrived without my even needing to ask, courtesy of Robbie, and
before long I was feeling a really nice buzz. I could see why people liked
alcohol so much if this was what it made you feel like. The three of us laughed
a lot, and I even felt brave enough to have a dance with some other friends
from our course, until, after another couple of drinks I moved on from
pleasantly buzzed to slightly overdone.

“Come and sit down,” Eddy insisted when I
was the one to stumble into a chair this time.

“Thanks, Eddy,” I said, hugging him. “I
really love you,” I told him, pulling him into a second hug.

“Oh, we’ve reached that stage of the night,
have we?” he laughed. He’d slowed up on his beers while I’d steamed on ahead,
enjoying the fact I’d finally found an alcoholic drink I actually liked.

“No, really. You don’t know what you mean
to me. I’ve never had any friends, not real friends.”

“We’re all friendless virgins when we’re
born, Delilah,” he quoted.

“Yeah, well, I was a friendless virgin when
I met you. Now I’m just a virgin,” I said, giggling. Eddy looked shocked, and I
immediately felt ashamed of my virgin status. “I know,” I slurred. “I’m
pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic, Delilah,” he
insisted, but the embarrassment still burned in me.

“Well, you’ve helped me change at least one
of those things.”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “See, it was easier
than you thought.”

“Maybe losing my virginity will be too,” I
suggested. “I’m overthinking this. I just need to get it done with. No more of
this waiting for someone special,” I said decisively. “They don’t exist.”

“Delilah, I’m not sure…” Eddy started.

“It’s a shame you’re gay, Eddy,” I said
more loudly that I’d intended, “or I’d just do it with you.”

“Delilah,” Eddy said, cross now, “pack it
in.”

“Everything okay here?” Robbie asked,
materialising once again beside me. He started to stroke my shoulder, and it
felt nice. “Would you like to dance, Delilah?” he asked.

“Sure,” I agreed, happily going with him
when he pulled me towards the dance floor.

“Delilah,” I heard Eddy call after me, but
when I looked back he was chatting to some of Robbie’s mates. Carl was standing
beside him.

“You look so sexy,” Robbie whispered into
my ear as he grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him. I felt sexy. For the first
time since Hardy I wanted to feel desire and be desirable. We swayed to the
music, and I felt him harden against me. “I want you, Delilah, so fucking
much,” he said, brushing his thumb against my lips before he kissed me. Surprisingly
I liked it, and when he pulled away I was disappointed. “Let’s go upstairs
where we can be alone,” he said with a grin.

Even in my drunken state I knew what he was
suggesting. Everyone knew what going upstairs at a party would lead to. He
wanted to fuck me. Which was good, I figured, because I wanted rid of my
virginity. It was a win-win as far as I saw it through my vodka-addled brain. I
heard my name being called from across the room, but Robbie was a man on a
mission. We ran up the stairs, laughing when I tripped on the final steps,
nervous excitement pumping through my veins. Robbie pulled me into a room,
closing and locking the door behind us, and suddenly everything went quiet. The
noise from the party diminished along with my drunken bravado. Robbie didn’t
waste any time, pulling me into a kiss while simultaneously walking me
backwards towards the large double bed that occupied the centre of the room.

We tumbled onto the bed together in a
tangle of arms and legs, Robbie landing on top of me. He was heavy, and I found
myself wishing he’d move a bit, as he jammed a leg between my thighs and pushed
up my skirt to reveal my knickers. One hand fastened onto a breast, while the
other groped down between my legs. It felt okay, but it was nothing special. I
wondered what all the fuss was about. Then I felt his finger press inside me. “Jesus,
you’re so tight,” he moaned. “I’ve got to get inside you. Is that okay?” he
asked. He seemed to be in a hurry in case I changed my mind.

This was it. The moment of no return. “Yes,”
I heard myself say, before I could lose my nerve. I’d been waiting for Hardy to
do this, but he’d been too busy sleeping with other women. It was my body, my
virginity. I could give it to anyone I wanted, even someone I didn’t give a
shit about like Robbie. “Yes,” I said again, reaching down to grasp Robbie’s
erection through his trousers and rubbing it. He groaned, fumbling to release
his belt and zip. When he sprang free I was momentarily fascinated by the
appearance of his erection. Sure I’d felt them through clothes, but I’d never
actually seen one before.

Impatiently he pushed me down onto my back
and swiftly pulled off my knickers before pushing my skirt up around my waist. He
paused, sitting back on his calves and staring down at me. I heard the sound of
a wrapper being opened, and watched fascinated as he rolled a condom on. Even
in my inebriated state I was grateful for his forethought. Beads of sweat were already
breaking out on his brow as he moved himself above me. I felt his erection nudge
tentatively against my entrance, and then he pushed into me. There was a
searing sensation, like a cross between a burn and a tear, as he forced himself
inside. I moaned, but it wasn’t through pleasure. It hurt. Robbie, assuming
otherwise, pressed his face into my neck and began to rhythmically thrust inside
me. I just lay there, the pain having woken me from my drunken haze, the
reality of what I’d done bringing tears to my eyes.

After I’d met Hardy again I’d dreamed about
this moment. About how it would be. How it would hurt, but how he would make it
as gentle as he could. How I’d offer myself willingly, that the moment would be
memorable, an exchange of freely given love, instead of this meaningless
rutting. Mama had always said you only got to lose your virginity to someone once,
so to make it someone you cared about. I felt like I’d let her down.

Robbie’s breathing increased with the pace
of his hips as they drove against me, and then finally he was done. In one long
moan he released himself, before collapsing on top of me. “God, Delilah, that
was amazing,” he moaned, pulling out of me, removing the condom and tying the
end of it in a knot. “Oh, you’re bleeding,” he said, looking down. “Did you
know you were on your period?” he asked, looking at the streaks of blood on the
sheets and across the tops of my thighs. It never crossed his mind I might be a
virgin.

“Oh, um, sorry,” I said, embarrassed by the
evidence of my squandered virginity. “It must have come early. I wasn’t
expecting it,” I pretended. “I’ll just go and find the bathroom to clean up.” I
shuffled out of the bed, pulling on my knickers as I tried to ignore the aching
sensation in my most intimate areas.