Coconuts and Wonderbras (21 page)

That wasn’t quite, the whatever
,
I meant, but I can work with that. He looks thoughtfully at me for a few seconds and then gets up.

    ‘You should get to bed. Here is your phone by the way. The battery is in it. I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you. For our safety it is better left turned off. I will be setting up some security outside so you needn’t be afraid to go to sleep.’

I put my hand out to take the phone and his hand gently strokes mine, sending a shock through my body. I have to fight back my gasp. He clasps my hand and I feel myself being pulled gently from the couch. His face comes closer and I close my eyes and savour the taste of the wine and lemon as his lips linger ever so slightly on mine. It is over so quickly that I almost wonder if it actually happened at all.

    ‘Goodnight, sleep well,’ he says, releasing me. Was that a shake I heard in his voice, or did I imagine it? I fall back onto the couch. The door clicks shut and I let out a long breath.

Sleep well. Bugger me, after that kiss I will be lucky if I sleep at all. To think I only had a starter. Penelope gets the whole three course meal. Phew, that must be mind-blowing. I mustn’t go over the top. It was just a goodnight kiss after all. Although, thinking about it, he could have kissed me on the cheek couldn’t he? In fact he could have simply kissed my hand. Oh dear, I am already going over the top.

Issy

    I’d been trying to reach Libby for several days. It just isn’t like her to say she will call and then not do so. At first I had just presumed phone signal was bad or she was so fed up that she didn’t want to talk to anyone, but when I didn’t even receive a text, I finally called Jamie. He told me Penelope had flown back from Cambodia in a right state and it looked like something pretty dire had gone on over there. Along with Libby’s parents, I have been summoned to a meeting in Jamie’s office and told not to say a word to anyone as it is top secret and all that jazz. We are now all assembled and I really can’t believe I’m hearing what I’m hearing.

    ‘Kidnapped, are you sure?’ I say doubtfully. ‘Who would seriously want to kidnap Libs?’

I’m not too certain who I should direct this question to. We seem to be surrounded by leaders of the CIA, SAS, MI5, Special Branch, USSS and the KGB. This is heavy shit. Who would have thought it of old Libs?

    ‘More importantly, who on earth would want to kidnap them?’ I ask, and put a comforting arm around Libby’s mother, Fenella, who had flown home from Kilimanjaro the day before.

    ‘I think the ATO should answer that question,’ replies one of the men gesturing to another, who steps forward with an arrogant swagger.

    ‘The ATO?’ I ask Jamie questioningly, but he just shrugs.

    ‘I’m the Anti-Terrorism Officer and I will brief you the best I can and answer any questions.’

    ‘Oh my goodness, terrorism,’ squeals Libby’s mother.

    ‘It will be all right,’ I say soothingly. I find myself unwittingly flashing my eyelashes at the ATO. He is rather appealing.

    ‘I’m fine, darling. I feel sure Alex Bryant will take good care of her. He’s such a hero,’ she says with half a swoon.

    ‘Harrumph,’ huffs Toby loudly. ‘He’s done a bloody bad job so far.’

    ‘And you are, Sir?’ asks the ATO.

    ‘He’s the FA,’ I reply sarcastically.

    ‘FA?’ Fenella whispers.

    ‘Fucking Arsehole,’ I whisper back.

    ‘And FA stands for what?’ asks the ATO.

    ‘Fi-ancé,’ butts in Jamie, giving me dirty look.

    ‘Well, I’m not, actually,’ quivers Toby.

What an arsehole, what did Libby ever see in him? Fenella sways slightly.

    ‘She never said anything about an engagement. When did this happen?’ she asks worriedly.

    ‘Don’t get in a spin dear. Wait until you get proper intel,’ advises Libby’s father.

You have to laugh. She isn’t in the least upset that Libby has been kidnapped by the rebels but as soon as she thinks her precious daughter might marry that little shit Toby, she comes over all atremble. Way to go Fenella.

    ‘I intend asking her first thing. I love your daughter very much,’ Toby asserts.

    ‘Oh dear,’ mumbles Fenella.

    ‘Yes, right,’ responds the ATO looking confused and wandering around the room. All eyes follow him with bated breath. Mine especially. He is gorgeous.

    ‘Now, the intel is that ex-SAS Officer Bryant was compromised by Ms Holmes…’

    ‘I object,’ I interrupt. ‘That’s absolute bollocks. Libby would never compromise anyone.’ He puts his hand up to silence me and I notice he isn’t wearing a wedding ring. Ooh this looks promising.

    ‘Not deliberately, no, but unknowingly we think she led the kidnappers to Bryant. The rebels are getting more violent by the day…’

    ‘The bastards,’ curses Toby.

    ‘And we are fearful of what they will do. We know Bryant is very capable. He will be aware of everything that is going on and we’re hoping he will try and get a message to us…’

    ‘Fine chap is that Bryant. Most likely has everything fully under control, what?’ says Libby’s dad suddenly.

    ‘He’s a fucking pervert. I want him court-martialled or whatever it is you people do. I won’t be responsible for my actions if he comes back here,’ threatens Toby.

Fenella winces.

    ‘Ooh, you’d better get him some protection,’ I say mockingly. ‘Bryant won’t stand a chance against the mighty Toby.’

    ‘Why don’t you zip it,’ he snaps.

    ‘So common,’ mumbles Fenella.

    ‘What should we do, in the meantime?’ Jamie asks, ignoring all of us.

The door is flung open and Penelope waltzes in, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. Jamie rushes to her and she falls dramatically into his arms before covering her eyes with a pair of Ray Bans.

    ‘There aren’t photographers or press here are there?’ she asks looking around. Good grief, she is made up to the nines, wearing a Prada dress and Coco Chanel boots not to mention a fabulous Chanel beret.

    ‘No, you’re fine,’ replies Jamie sympathetically.

    ‘Oh,’ she says disappointment evident in her voice. She carefully removes herself from his arms and looks around her.

    ‘Who’s in charge?’ she asks bluntly.

Everyone seems to look at everyone else before the ATO steps forward.

    ‘When have you arranged the press conference? I’d like to filter the questions.’

He seems unimpressed by her.

    ‘There will not be any press conferences, and you are?’

Jamie steps forward.

    ‘This is Alex Bryant’s fiancée. She flew back from Cambodia yesterday.’

    ‘Thank you Jamie, I can speak for myself. What do you mean no press conference? Do you have plans for getting him out of there?’

    ‘And my daughter also,’ chips in Fenella.

Penelope spins round and appraises Fenella.

    ‘You’re the traitor’s mother?’

I step in front of them. I’ll soon wipe that Max Factor from her face.

    ‘Now, look here madam,’ I say pompously.

She begins to look tearful and Toby, of all people, rushes to her aid.

    ‘She’s upset,’ the little git says sympathetically.

Upset, my arse.

    ‘Everything was fine, until she phoned him,’ she hiccups. ‘We were having a lovely dinner and then she phoned. Alex was very cross. I think they may have argued before we left for the restaurant. We hadn’t been there very long when she called him…’

    ‘We’ll need a statement from you later…’

But Penelope isn’t listening. She is centre stage and loving it.

    ‘I could tell he was upset by the call and kept getting irritated. He then said he had to go and fetch her because she had gotten herself lost. She was the decoy to get him there, she…’

    ‘Let’s get you some water, shall we?’ suggests Toby.

Oh yes, why don’t we? Let’s get enough to drown her. The ATO whips out a flip chart and I feel like I’m at a bloody board meeting. Penelope sips at her plastic cup of water while Toby makes sympathetic noises. I wonder if I should gently remind him that he is planning on asking Libby to marry him.

    ‘If either of them should contact you let us know immediately,’ says the ATO forcefully. Oh, I do like a forceful man.

    ‘Don’t try to be a hero or a heroine,’ butts in the head of somewhere else.

    ‘It will be featured on the news tonight. Unfortunately we couldn’t do anything to stop the news getting out.’

The ATO shoots a glance at Penelope. She sniffs.

    ‘We have the press under control and do not want any of you talking to them. You must stay anonymous.’

    ‘Can we not talk to anyone about it? I have the parish council meeting on Thursday and…’ begins Fenella.

    ‘No one,’ snaps the ATO. Oh, I say, he is masterful.

    ‘We’re having a little slideshow of Kilimanjaro,’ she whispers into my ear. ‘It would have been so exciting to have told them how Libby is fighting the rebels with Alex Bryant in Cambodia. I will have to say I have news, but it’s classified. She’s a bit of a prima donna isn’t she?’ she finishes, nodding towards Penelope.

    ‘Indeed,’ I agree.

    ‘If anyone approaches you, the response must always be ‘no comment’.’

    ‘Ooh, how thrilling,’ trembles Fenella excitedly.

I smile indulgently and feel a small pang in my stomach. Libby will be okay won’t she?

    ‘The rebels won’t hurt them will they? Alex said they’re not as bad as they have been painted,’ I ask worriedly.

    ‘They’re a force to be reckoned with.’

    ‘My sentiments entirely,’ echoes Toby.

    ‘We will all meet here again in two days’ time and will continue to do so until this situation is resolved. As their closest friends and allies, you should be prepared to be contacted by anyone at any time. I must reiterate that always your response must be
no comment
. If at any time you suspect you have been contacted by someone inside Cambodia then let us know immediately.’

Meet here every two days? I’ve seriously got to see that little runt Toby every two days, not to mention Madam Penelope. Oh, I don’t think so. I’m owed annual leave.

    ‘I’m going there,’ I say. ‘If Libs is in trouble I want to be there for her.’

    ‘Oh bravo,’ declares Fenella.

    ‘Tally ho, that’s the spirit,’ cries her dad.

    ‘Are you fucking mad?’ asks Toby.

I see Fenella cringe, God he is so coarse.

    ‘I’ll come with you. And I’ll bring Philippe,’ cries Jamie, ‘after all, I agreed to the whole trip and I do feel a bit responsible.’

Toby looks decidedly uncomfortable. Meanwhile Fenella claps her hands in glee and looks at Libby’s dad.

    ‘Let’s do it,’ she pleads. Not that I imagine she has ever had to plead for anything.

    ‘Jolly good,’ he answers.

We all look to Toby.

    ‘It all seems rather risky,’ he mutters.

    ‘I would seriously have to advise against it,’ interjects the ATO. ‘It is not safe to visit Cambodia right now.’

    ‘Perhaps you should come with us then,’ I say, attempting my best come-hither look. ‘Some of us may need protecting.’

Penelope jumps up and heads for the door.

    ‘In that case, I shall return. I am not dealing with all the flack here on my own. I will need to be there when they release Alex and arrest Libby. I shall be staying at the Shadow Angkor.’

And what’s that when it’s at home? It’s all I can do not to hit her. I give Toby my best evil look.

    ‘What did she say?’ asks a puzzled Toby.

    ‘She said you are a shallow wanker.’

    ‘If you are coming, please let me know what flight you’re on so I can avoid it,’ shouts Penelope as she exits the room.

Fenella titters. I take her by the arm and walk out on the heels of Penelope. Fenella and I watch wide-eyed as she climbs into a waiting taxi.

    ‘Why do you think Alex Bryant is with her?’ I ask, shaking my head.

    ‘You’re the agony aunt psychologist dear,’ winks Fenella.

Toby marches towards us, face like thunder.

    ‘Don’t you think it is rather reckless of all of you to go storming out there like the magnificent…’ he pauses for a second to count numbers on his fingers. ‘Six,’ he finishes.

    ‘At least we’re not the hesitant magnificent one,’ I retort, leading Libby’s parents to my car. It isn’t that I want Toby to join us. In fact he is the last person on earth I want to come with us, but I can imagine how devastated Libby will be when she discovers we are all there but him. Then again, it will probably devastate her that we are there at all.

Jamie calls out and mimes that he will phone me before diving into his car.

    ‘You could make it the magnificent seven of course,’ I call out to Toby from the car window.

    ‘Not if that fucking shirt-lifter is going,’ he calls back.

Jesus, I swear Toby would bring back stoning if he could.

    ‘Rest assured Toby, your arse will always be safe.’

Fenella titters and before he can respond I put the car into gear and drive off.

Chapter Nineteen

    I have been praying that Alex Bryant will most certainly have a need for my knickers. In fact, I am so prepared for it that I have been washing and wearing the same lace-edged frilly pair for the past two days. But, disappointingly, danger seems to elude us. Isn’t it just my luck? I am now quite desperate to remove all and sundry in aid of the so-called ‘war effort’ and what does he do? He protects me so well that the chances of my having to remove even an earring are looking more and more remote. The goodnight kiss, which seems an age ago now, is seemingly the most intimate I am ever going to get with him. I have to be brutally honest with myself and admit to being something of a scarlet woman, well, in my head anyway. I haven’t given a second thought to Penelope or Toby, and it is becoming apparent that a temptress I am not, for apart from the occasional cursory glance, Alex acts as though I do not exist. It is very odd behaviour for someone who said, only forty-eight hours ago, that he found me rather appealing. Obviously, ‘appealing’ does not mean, ‘tear your knickers off’. I am beginning to wonder if I am sex-starved and perhaps I was more dependent on my old friend Orlando Broom than I thought. All I seem able to think about is sex, and not sex with my boyfriend Toby either. I am constantly thinking about sex with Alex Bryant. Although at the moment I would settle for a snog and fondle, but the only thing about me that he seems to find appealing is my cooking.