Coconuts and Wonderbras (19 page)

I hear Penelope say,

    ‘Is that her?’

Oh dear, she sounds cross. I’m feeling guilty for getting kidnapped; I should have taken Alex’s advice and been more careful.

    ‘It’s just…’ I begin and hear myself whimper.

    ‘Libby, what’s going on?’ There is real concern in his voice now and the firmness I know so well.

    ‘For God’s sake, what is it now?’ snaps Lady Penelope.

The man leans towards me and whispers,

    ‘Tell him you lost.’

    ‘I’m so lost,’ I say, ‘can you come and get me?’

Alex is silent.

    ‘Alex, I am getting very wet and I’m lost. I’m getting very wet,’ I repeat, placing emphasis on the wet.

Christ, I am sounding like a moronic half-wit. He will think I am either drunk or insane.

    ‘Libby have you been drinking?’

What did I tell you?

    ‘Or are you telling me it was raining cats and dogs last night?’

I knew water was in one of the codes.

    ‘Yes, chucking it down. Can you come and get me, I am very lost.’

    ‘Libby, are we friends?’

    ‘What the hell Alex,’ fumes Penelope.

What the hell indeed. Surely his coming to get me doesn’t depend on whether we are still friends. Oh, I so hate him and to make matters worse Penelope sounds very cross. Oh dear, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. Why couldn’t they have kidnapped me after dinner?

    ‘Libby can I get you something?’ he asks.

The tone in his voice is more serious now and I suddenly realise this is one of the codes. Oh God, what is the right answer to this? This is worse than
Mastermind
. If I get this wrong it may mean he won’t come and rescue me. Stupid, silly codes, it would be far easier to shout help. Everyone knows what that means. This is something to do with tampons isn’t it? Oh shit, why can’t I remember? They are now holding a small card in front of my face with an address on it.

    ‘You are lost here, tell him.’ The man attempts to grunt crossly but it still comes out soft.

    ‘Alex, I am lost at 92 Phelm Tue, and I need tampons.’

I hear Alex snap at Penelope and then he sounds breathless as though he is walking quickly.

    ‘Libby, when I come to the lost place, should I bring tampons or toothpaste. I want to get the right things for you okay?’

Oh God, must get it right, must get it right. Think. I am beginning to realise just what contestants go through on
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
. It’s impossible to remember anything while I’m under such stress.

    ‘Toothpaste,’ I scream as it all comes back to me. ‘It’s toothpaste I need.’

    ‘Good, I’ll get a takeaway on the way home.’

What, oh no! Any other time that would have been lovely, a curry, or even fish and chips but he has totally misunderstood and thinks things are fine. It must have been tampons. Shit. The phone is snatched and clicked off before I have time to scream down it. I don’t believe this. The mobile and my Blackberry are snatched off me and both men walk away. The one with the soft voice stops at the door and mumbles something to the other. He hands me a bottle of water. At least I won’t die of thirst. The door is closed and I am alone in the small room with a tatty armchair, an equally tatty couch and a small table. I cannot believe Alex misunderstood me. My only hope now is that when he sees I am not at the hotel he will realise something is wrong and try my Blackberry. Of course, when I don’t answer that, he will realise I have been compromised. Although I still find it very hard to believe that anyone could get much money for us, although didn’t Alex say we would make good bargaining tools? Maybe they will exchange me for a political prisoner. I really can’t believe this. When Jamie talked about the high risk I never for one minute imagined he meant this. I need the loo so badly. I so wish I was home and preparing for Christmas and the New Year like everyone else. Not that I had any plans for New Year’s Eve. I wonder what Alex and Penelope have planned. They probably plan to romp in the New Year in their nice apartment. I shall refuse any invite from them as it will just be embarrassing. God, what if I never get to see another year? No, I mustn’t think things like that. I wonder what Toby is planning. I couldn’t give a fig what anyone is doing to be honest, but it keeps my mind off the kidnappers and my predicament. I must try and remain buoyant and positive. No matter what the kidnappers say or do I must try to be receptive. I’m sure this would be Alex’s advice. Of course, in his new book there is a whole chapter on his kidnapping in Afghanistan but I really couldn’t face reading about his courageous coping strategies without throwing up. I wish I had now. At least I could have got some pointers. Christ, I don’t even know what the time is. One thing is for sure, when Alex does come to rescue me I will look a mess. Although it doesn’t really matter does it? I’m well out of Alex Bryant’s league aren’t I? One only has to look at Penelope to see what I lack and yes, that is just about everything. I expect she stuffs her face full of vegetables and doesn’t gain a pound. I only have to look at a carrot cake and you can be sure the weight piles on. She has this knack of looking perfect, whenever, however, and wearing whatever, and it probably only takes her ten minutes. I have hair that goes into a frizz at just the sight of rain. My eyelashes are non-existent and my pain threshold so low that plucking my eyebrows would necessitate a day off work, sick. My best feature is my lips, however, and I have a cute cupid’s bow, which even I like, and a small stubby nose which Toby always said was the cutest thing about me. All the same though, I could never compete with Penelope. She has a fantastic job as an advertising executive. I’m just an agent with a small publishing house. She mixes in social circles that are in a different world to mine. Out of Alex Bryant’s league I most certainly am. I stretch my legs and look at the door. I wonder if they will let me go to the loo. I must keep positive and work at keeping my spirits up. Alex must surely be coming soon. He must by now, have realised something is wrong.

It must have been an hour if not longer since I phoned. I am just about to call out to my captors when there is a tapping at the window. I turn and see Alex looking in at me. Coming up behind him is one of my captors and I scream and point behind him. But it is too late and I watch as he is dragged away. Oh my God, what will they do to him? Moments later the door is thrown open and Alex pushed in. He falls at my feet and I give him a disdainful look.

    ‘I thought you were going to rescue me,’ I say accusingly.

He leaps to his feet and swiftly looks around.

    ‘Well, that’s gratitude. I didn’t have to come you know. I could have left you here and finished my dinner.’

He’s quite right, I mustn’t sound ungrateful.

    ‘Oh, and what did you have?’ I ask spitefully.

    ‘A fish curry, and very nice it was too, until you phoned.’

What a horrible thing to say. At least it’s more than I’ve had.

    ‘Have they told you their demands?’

I shake my head. He walks around the room, tapping walls. It all looks very impressive but is it going to get us out of here?

    ‘Have they mistreated you?’

    ‘I haven’t really been here long enough, but I am sure they were going to.’

He gives me a sharp look.

    ‘I told you not to go out on your own.’

Oh please, is this really the time for a lecture? He stops tapping the walls and listens at the door.

    ‘As far as you know is there just the two of them?’

I nod.

    ‘Do they speak English?’

I nod again.

    ‘I want you to call them and say you need the loo.’

How does he know I need the loo?

    ‘But…’

    ‘I’m not debating,’ he says sharply.

Ooh, Mr Masterful or what. I call the guards. One enters and I begin to explain that I need the loo. Before he has time to answer me Alex has lunged towards him and in second
s
has him in an arm lock. The other man rushes in and seems to plead with Alex to release his friend. I look on in amazement as they all begin chatting in Khmer. Alex’s tone is firm and there is much pointing and gesticulating before Alex releases the man. A map is produced and Alex studies it intently. Honestly, you would think he’d tell me what the hell is going on.

    ‘Where are the car keys?’ he demands and they are handed over to him immediately. This is incredible. It is as if he has hypnotised them or something.

    ‘Great, let’s go. They’re making it very easy for us, which I’d anticipated,’ he says pushing the men towards the door.

I have no idea what he is on about and I don’t really care. I shall be glad to get to the hotel and from there I shall arrange my flight home. I’m not even going to phone Jamie or Toby. I really couldn’t care any more. I just want to get home and back to my normal boring old life. The car I thought I came in is not even a car, I see now, but a small van that has certainly seen better days. Alex bundles the men in the back and gestures me to get into the front passenger seat.

    ‘Now, listen carefully…’ he says seriously.

    ‘And I’ll begin,’ I add, in an attempt to show him I do have a sense of humour.

It just gets me a sharp look.

    ‘You need to hurry into the hotel and grab what things you need. Go to my room and just pack a few essentials. Penelope won’t be there. I left her having a massage.’

    ‘But…’

    ‘We can’t risk going back there.’

What is he saying? What about Penelope?

    ‘I’m not staying here. I’m getting a flight…’

He brakes hard and we are all thrown forward. The men in the back grunt and I let out a tiny moan.

    ‘You’ve been kidnapped and so have I. Do you understand?’ he snaps coldly.

Now, what is he on about? He just foiled the kidnap attempt didn’t he?

    ‘But we’ve escaped and…’

    ‘We want everyone to think we have been kidnapped, especially the people who organised this.’

I look at him bewildered and point exaggeratedly to our kidnappers.

    ‘Hello…’ I cry. ‘Here are the kidnappers.’

He starts the engine.

    ‘Don’t act so naïve, you’re smarter than that. These gentlemen were sent by Colonel Pong to keep us under wraps until after the election. They didn’t want to do it but their families have been threatened and they had no choice. For their safety, and ours, everyone must think we have been kidnapped. It is better for us to be in the safe house. That way I get to do all the interviews as planned.’

    ‘I don’t want to go to the mattresses,’ I say in the manner of the Godfather.

    ‘I rather think I am making you an offer you can’t refuse.’

    ‘But…’

    ‘But what?’ he snaps crossly.

    ‘What about Penelope?’

He runs his hands tiredly through his hair.

    ‘She’s having a massage and tomorrow I’ve arranged for her to fly back home. She will no doubt alert the authorities that we have gone missing and then fly home. It’s stupid putting herself in danger.’

Oh, but it’s okay for me to be put in danger. I feel a sudden flutter of excitement in my stomach. It won’t be that bad being alone with Alex Bryant for a few days will it? Let’s face it, I don’t have much choice. Maybe I can make the best of a bad job. Of course, that’s if you can consider having the two clowns in the back seat with us as being alone. Honestly, this really is my kind of luck.

Chapter Eighteen

    The safe house is magnificent. I want to ask how Alex knows about this place but decide to ask him some other time
.
We drive down a bumpy dirt track which runs between two rice fields and into a driveway concealed on either side by high bushes. As we turn the bend the house comes into view and I gasp. It looks similar to the pagodas I had seen in the countryside. In the dim lighting from the house I can make out several columns which support a wide veranda. Two comfortable looking wicker chairs sit invitingly. We drive to the back of the house. I see what looks like an allotment where I can make out neat rows of plants and bushes in the light of the silvery moon. Behind the allotment is a wood which casts ghostly shadows over the ground. To think I cannot tell anyone about this. It is just the sort of annoying thing Alex Bryant would do. We are in the middle of nowhere. The house has three bathrooms, six bedrooms, an enormous lounge and an equally enormous kitchen. There is also a small cosy sitting room which houses a music player, a laptop and an assortment of board games. The only thing lacking is air conditioning. Alex
-I-have-everything-under-control
-Bryant has instructed all of us to turn our mobile phones off and give him the batteries. I am very reluctant to do this and stubbornly stand my ground. The two men, whose names I learn are Lucky and Mr Navy, admit they were following orders by the country’s Governor, Kuma Pong, and hand their phones over without protest. They are terrified of Pong and his henchmen and seem very agreeable about helping Alex. They are safe for as long as Pong thinks Alex and I are kept under lock and key by the gentle Lucky and Mr Navy. This is all beyond me. I’m a simple publishing agent. I don’t go to safe houses and hand over my phone. I don’t go to countries that are in the middle of political uprisings. I can barely conduct a simple romance, and it is becoming very annoying to find that everything Alex says is right. It seems that Kuma Pong, stinker by name and stinker by nature, has been terrorising the country for some time with his protection racket.

    ‘He threatened destroy my house if I not kidnap you and lady,’ Lucky fumes.

    ‘He has the police under his thumb too. This is why the people are rebelling. They’ve had enough,’ Alex tells me.

    ‘But why is he after you?’ I ask while inspecting the kitchen cupboards.

    ‘I’ve exposed him and he’s scared I’ll say too much about him on television,’ he explains. ‘So, he sends someone to kidnap us. And will presumably dispose of us when the time is right.’