Circle in the Sand (18 page)

In the hall I run into Sage and Travis, surprised to see them together. She peers
right through my grin, returning a pity smile that confuses me because I feel great.
We hug. “What can we do?” she says.

“I thought you couldn’t stay?” I answer. We both know her meeting excuse wasn’t the
only reason, but I’m suddenly feeling the need to make all of our problems disappear.
“What about you and Jax?”

Travis cuts in. “We’ll stay as long as you want us.”

He seems sweet, different than I remember. I’m not sure what he knows or if Sage is
fine with his offer. They exchange looks, a pause, and then. “It’ll be fine,” Sage
says. “Come on.” Then she puts an arm around me and leads me to the kitchen. I pour
us each a glass of wine, sinking into this optimistic mood I’m in. Travis picks up
a bottled water from the counter and slips onto a bar stool.

We both take a drink, and then I ask Sage about her grandmother just before I down
the rest of my glass. I’m not catching everything she’s saying. My attention is diverted
around the room, watching children play and people talk. It’s turning into a wonderful
party. A darling little baby girl seems to be smiling right at me. Maybe a new baby
is just what we need. I consider stopping my birth control pills.
Did I take one today?
My gaze stays locked on the little one until I feel Sage’s hand on my arm. “Are you
okay?”

My head feels thick and heavy when I turn it in her direction. “God, yes, I’m great,”
I hear myself say. “I’m just so freaking happy you came.” I turn to Travis who now
looks much more handsome than I remember. “You too, Travis.” A tight grin appears
on his face as he rises from the counter.

“You can’t be buzzed already, Em,” Sage says and then takes the glass from my hand.

“What? No, I’m just so excited you guys are here. You two make such a cute couple.
Crap I forgot…just friends right? Right!” I give Travis a wink because he knows what
I’m talking about. It’s only a matter of time before Sage snags him.

I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel Travis grip my elbow and guide me toward
the hallway. I hear their whispers but can’t make out what they’re saying. For some
reason I walk willingly, but I glance back over my shoulder. “I need to see the birthday
girl!”

“Not now, honey,” Sage says.

In the room I collapse on the bed and giggle. “You guys bring me here for a confession?”
I say lying flat. Then I sit up. “I won’t tell anyone about you two.”

Travis kneels next to me, touches my knee, rubs my arm. “What’d you take, sweetheart?”

Sage stands behind him with her arms folded. “She just had too much to drink. Maybe
she started before we got here.”

Travis shakes his head, lifts my face to meet his, looking me in the eyes. My smile
fades. “I don’t think so,” he says. “You don’t go from zero to sixty that fast without
some help.”

I look at Sage whose face is a mix of shock and confusion. “Is that true, Emily?”

I get up, heading straight back to my window, the ground swaying beneath my feet.
My eyes scan the yard, searching for my children. “God, why can’t you just let me
be happy? That
is
what you all wanted.” How do I go from feeling so great to being angry again? Sage
comes up behind, touches my hair. “Not like this,” she whispers.

“I’m going to leave you two alone,” Travis says. Before walking out the door, he adds,
“Take your time. I’ll cover for you.”

My head and stomach join forces to send me spiraling toward the edge of a cliff. “I’m
going to be sick,” I say, pushing past Sage.

If there was even a faint ticking of my biological clock, buried somewhere deep inside
me, today’s party may have snuffed it out. Ned and I have the privilege of helping
clean up after the twenty-some-odd little monsters who finally left this house, reluctantly
dragged away by their ragged parents. Truthfully, I did enjoy spending a day in a
world so different from my everyday life. For some reason this experience takes my
mind to Dale and his wife. He was ready for children. I can see them having a baby
soon, the image leaving me with a knot in my stomach. I don’t know whether it’s from
regret about Dale or jealousy over the happy little family he left me to make.

I wipe down the three white patio tables, deciding to give up on two red stains that
won’t come out. Thankfully Emily and Eric’s family helped some before they exited
with a flurry. This mess is worse than the time the bar had dollar beers and open
mic on the same night.

I toss a few plates in the already overloaded can. On the way back to the table, a
hot dog chunk squishes under my shoe, causing me to slip. An arm catches me as I tumble
backwards.

“Gotcha,” Ned says, then spins me around to face him. He’s holding me close, around
my waist, looking at me in an odd way. A way I’ve seen more often lately. “That was
fun today, huh?” he says with happy eyes. I can only look into those eyes for a second
before turning away.

“Sure, if you like being slobbered on all day.” I unravel myself from him, grab a
napkin from a table to clean off my shoe.

“You had a great time,” he says with an accusatory tone.

“How do you know?” I grab the broom from against the wall, sweep the crumbs and dust
purposefully his way.

“I saw you. I could tell you were enjoying it whether you want to admit it or not.”

The idea of Ned watching me during the party leaves a strange mark on me. We didn’t
spend a lot of time together today, but did exchange a few playful smiles from across
the yard. And I happened to notice he looked sort of cute playing with James and the
other kids in the bounce house. I wondered who had more fun. He’s such a child sometimes.
A big, goofy kid who—
I stop the thought before it turns into words coming out of my mouth. Instead I say,
“So I had fun. Big deal. That doesn’t mean I’m off to snag a husband and squeeze out
some puppies.” I fling some trash his way with the broom.

“Hey.” He grabs the handle, pulls me into him. “You’re such a lady.”

“Thank you.” Then most likely from pure exhaustion I spit out the most ridiculous
statement. “Exactly the type of girl you avoid.”

“Says you.” His eyes find mine and lock in.

I’ve still got a death grip on the broom handle, but he’s not letting up either. He
pulls me closer, bends down until his face is inches from mine. What is happening?
This is not me and Ned. To flirt this much, it’s as if we are other people, not the
life-long shit givers and smart asses. “I…”

The sliding glass door opens and the dog bolts out, followed by Sophie. Fred was shut
in Sophie’s room for the party, so he’s got to be anxious to do his business. “Where’s
your mommy?” I ask my party buddy.

“She’s laying down with Benny. Daddy’s giving James a bath.”

My heart breaks when I think of Emily and how hard today must have been. I’m sure
she’s drained. I know she slipped away with Sage during the party, but since we’re
still not talking, I didn’t ask Sage about it. “You’re being a big girl taking care
of Fred.”

“I know. But I’m not picking up the poop. Uncle Ned, will you do it?”

We laugh and Ned says, “Sure.”

I have the urge to tell him what a sweet uncle he is. That what he did today was wonderful
and selfless. But I stay silent, hoping he knows because Jax and Ned don’t give each
other compliments.

By the time we get everything cleaned up, it’s late. The sun is setting. I need a
beer and a couch, quickly. But when Ned suggests grabbing a six-pack and sitting on
the beach, I figure that’s close enough. Plus it makes me remember something else
I need to handle.

We park at the Grace Chapel church and walk to the table set up on the boardwalk.
Coffee and hot chocolate have been provided for those less fortunate, looking for
a little companionship or some guidance. Pastor Greg is chatting with an old woman,
patting her hand. A group of three disheveled men wearing work pants and boots gather
to one side.

I glance back at Ned, who’s trailing me like a shy boy as I walk past strangers and
familiar faces. I’ve been meaning to speak with the pastor about Travis. There’s lots
of repair work to be done at the church, so I was hoping Travis could be hired or
at the very least get in some service hours.

“There’s my sweetheart,” I hear behind me as I wait for Pastor Greg to finish with
the old woman. I turn and see a middle-aged, tattered man sitting in a camping chair.
He rises, his six-four frame stepping toward me. Ned inserts himself between us, staring
up at the dirty stick of a man.

“It’s okay,” I whisper in Ned’s ear. Then I step around him. “Hey, Willy. How ya been?”
Willy’s going for the record for most jobs lost. Alcoholics have trouble getting up
in the morning.

“I been better. Happy to see your sweet face, though.” He cracks a smile, gestures
to the table acting as if it’s his home. “Can I get you something?”

“No thank you. I came to speak with Pastor Greg. This is my friend, Ned.”

“How’s it going?” Ned reaches out to shake Willy’s hand but is greeted with arched
eyebrows and a stare. Ned shrugs, looks at me.

I glance back to see the old woman has finished. “We’ve gotta run now, Willy. Take
care of yourself,” I say.

Willy raises his cup to us before sitting back down. “You too.”

“What’s with that guy?” Ned asks as we walk over to the pastor.

“He doesn’t like meeting people, especially men.”

“What about you?” he asks.

“I guess I’m special,” I say holding back a smile.

“I know,” he says.

Ned hangs back at the table so I can talk to the pastor. I get the feeling he doesn’t
want to hear Travis’s name. He cringes whenever I say it. I spend about two minutes
filling Pastor Greg in on Travis’s situation and asking if there is anything he can
do. He is enthusiastic; he’s helped people in his situation before.

When we finish, I find Ned chatting with the old woman. I walk over, hear her telling
him how he looks like her son Neil, only taller and less muscular. He’s being so sweet,
so patient. Not the little shit I’m used to. I wonder if that’s simply what I always
chose to see.

We finally head back to the car, pour our beer in plastic cups, and find a nice spot
to sit on the sand, far enough away from the tide. The crashing waves are music to
my ears, comforting and serene. We are both exhausted from the day. I lean into his
shoulder, and he puts an arm around me. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I ask,
then close my eyes for a few seconds.

“I don’t know,” he says. “Maybe I’m tired.” He takes a long drink of his beer, almost
finishing it. I take a sip of mine and set my cup in the sand.

The sun has almost disappeared below the horizon. A chill spreads across my body and
Ned rubs my arm. “What happened in the backyard today, Ned?” I can’t stop myself.
I need to find out what’s going on. Why our relationship seems to be floating in a
different direction. He doesn’t answer, but his head turns to me. He wants me to look
at him so I do. “What?”

“Shit, Jax. I have no idea. I’ve just felt so…close to you lately.”

“We’ve always been close.”

“Different close. Better close. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.”

“I know,” I say.

His eyes are fixed on me again, same as in the yard, and again I turn away. I’ve never
been nervous around a man before, but something about this sends my insides spinning.
Ned is a part of me, but not like this. And if we were to go down this road, I’d have
to be certain about a few things. “What about you and Sage?”

“Jax, there is no me and Sage.”

I shoot him a “yeah right” look.

He responds with, “Why don’t you tell me about
you
and Sage?”

I wrap my arms around my knees, play with the sand at my toes. “You already know.
She’s upset about what’s going on with Rose. She blames me.”

“And did you have anything to do with that? Is she right to be upset at you?”

He may be deflecting, but I’m fine with hashing this out. “Maybe she is. But I didn’t
talk Rose into anything. She started this whole thing.”

Ned leans forward too, watches me play with the sand. “How do you mean?”

“Rose and I have led very different lives, yet I’ve always felt sort of connected
to her. We’re a lot alike in some ways.”

“Yeah,” he says in a sarcastic tone.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I jam my shoulder into his, and instantly things are
back to normal.

“You’re both rough around the edges,” he says guardedly.

“Is that code for bitchy?”

“Nooo,” he says.

It doesn’t bother me at all.

“And you both speak your mind…don’t give a shit what other people say.”

I nod. “Anyway, she started asking me all these questions about what I want out of
life and why I’m not trying to live my life more like Sage or Emily.”

“And?”

“And, like you said, I was honest. She’s dying, Ned. And she’s my friend.” Then my
eyes rim with water. I turn my head, swipe at the corners. “She’s trying to make some
sort of peace, and I’m proud of her for doing it. Especially for someone who’s been
so strong-willed her whole life. Sage’ll just have to get over it.” I steel myself,
turn back to Ned. “So back to
you
and Sage.”

“My answer hasn’t changed,” he says matter-of-factly.

I can’t help but think he’s lying, or not facing whatever is between them. And I don’t
mean the way he used to fawn all over her when we were all together. I’m not the jealous
type, but this situation bothers me. For a while now, my instincts have told me to
fight whatever it is that’s happening between us, but part of me wants to see what’s
there. “I don’t want to ruin something that’s meant so much to me. Sage, Emily…you.
I care about you, too, Ned. I do, but I also don’t want to get stuck in some friends
with benefits love triangle with you and Sage.”

“Should I repeat, there
is
no me and Sage?”

I look him dead in the eye to make sure we are clear. “So nothing happened last night
after her party?”

He pauses, looks out toward the ocean. “No, not really.”

“Bingo.” I’m not mad. I have no right to be, but I knew something was up. What I am
is disappointed, and relieved at the same time. Because this means there will be nothing
more than friendship between me and Ned.