Christian Domestic Discipline 101 (2 page)

Yeah, right.

In a world where “Girls Rule, Boys Drool”… where feminists are considered heroines of the times… where men are thrown in jail for looking cross-eyed at their wives… how are you supposed to tell your spouse you’d like a Christian Domestic Discipline marriage?

Well… I did it in a note. I know, I know… it sounds pretty lame, but once you think about it, it’s a smart way to go about it since you are able to put all your thoughts down on paper
coherently
before you present them.

In whatever way you plan to tell your spouse, get your ducks in a row. First, you should pray. Pray for the right words, the right time, and that the Lord will prepare the heart of your spouse to accept what you have to say.

You should learn all you can about CDD so that when you are ready to talk to him or her, you know why you want a CDD relationship. You should be able to communicate your trust and love for your spouse as one reason to enter into such a relationship. You might even consider having information printed out for him or her to look over (or hand them this book), especially if they’ve never heard of a CDD relationship before.

Don’t expect an answer right away. CDD is a big step and requires a lot of prayer and thought. Many spouses are skeptical at first, as was mine. They may need time to see that you are serious about CDD. Be consistent in your God-given role in the marriage and give them the time they need to process the information. (For more suggestions on introducing CDD to your spouse, see Appendix A and B on pages 63 and 64.)

When You Should Use Caution

A CDD marriage is not for everyone. In certain situations, it could even be detrimental to you, your spouse, or to your marriage. Use caution in instituting a CDD marriage in situations where the husband has a history of abuse, where the wife has been traumatized from an abusive past, where drugs or alcohol is a factor, or where other trust issues exist.

Despite the fact that CDD has saved some marriages, it should not be substituted for good solid marriage counseling or other tried and true measures for rescuing a failing marriage. CDD should not be used as a band-aid to fix a broken relationship, but rather a tool to enhance an already good one.

Also, use caution when the partners in the marriage are
unequally yoked
. In an ideal CDD marriage, both partners are not only Christians, but are dedicated to following the will of God.

Of course we all know the ideal is just that… the ideal. It is the goal, but it is not always obtained or maintained in normal life because we are human. There are Christian women who live in a CDD relationship with their non-believing husbands. There are Christian men who live in a CDD marriage with their non-believing wives. This is still Biblically sound (see 1 Peter 3:1). It is not always easy from what I understand, but it is feasible. I would counsel a husband or wife in this situation to spend a substantial amount of time in prayer and realize their situation is not the ideal so that their expectations of CDD are realistic.

Lastly, a CDD marriage must be
consensual
in today’s world. Though it is debatable whether CDD must be consensual
Biblically
, legally there is no doubt about it. In the United States and many other countries, spanking a spouse without consent is against the law and can result in legal ramifications if prosecuted.

Even in a consensual CDD marriage, be very cautious who knows or learns about your relationship, as well-meaning (or just plain nosy) folks who mistake your relationship for abuse could cause problems for you or your spouse in the legal system. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL THE KIDS! Kids are notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, often giving the wrong impression. No CDD marriage needs that kind of complication. If you have kids, research ways to keep that part of your relationship hidden from their little eyes and ears.

You might consider writing up a contract signed by both parties giving consent for the relationship and all that it entails. Another good idea is to tell your doctor you are in a consensual domestic discipline relationship. Journaling isn’t a bad idea either. None of this is guaranteed to help you in court if, God forbid, a situation should arise, but it couldn’t hurt.

Setting Up a Christian Domestic Discipline Marriage

So now that your spouse has agreed, the two of you are faced with the task of setting up your own CDD marriage. Since CDD marriages are so varied and individualized, this is something no one can tell you how to do. We can give you guidelines. We can give you suggestions and things to think about, but ultimately, your CDD marriage will be uniquely your own.

So where do you start?

You begin with prayer. This cannot be emphasized enough. Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray for a humble heart and listening ears.

Next step: study. Study everything you can get your hands on about roles in a Christian marriage. CDD does not begin with spanking. It begins with prayer and proper roles. Know what your role is, what your spouse’s role is, and the scriptures to back them up. I highly recommend
The Excellent Wife
by Martha Peace and
The Exemplary Husband
by Stuart Scott as a beginning point.

Then learn everything you can about CDD marriages. Chances are that’s what you’re doing with this book. But remember, CDD is as individual as the couples who practice it. Use this book for informational purposes, but decide for yourselves what works for you.

Another great way to learn about CDD marriages is to join online forums where you can ask questions and learn from those who have more experience in CDD. It is best to find forums that are Christian in nature as secular forums are often far removed from the Word of God. Be careful with any websites you visit, as well. Remember, a CDD marriage is first and foremost a
Christian
marriage.

Step 3: Talk. Talk about everything. What do you expect from the marriage? What do you expect from CDD? Why do you want CDD? What does the husband expect from his wife? What does the wife expect from her husband?

You may want to decide what brand of CDD you are going to practice. Are you going to use spanking, other types of discipline, or both? What other forms of discipline will you use if any? If you are going to use spanking, what forms will you use? What
implements
will you use?

Many couples begin their CDD relationship by setting up rules and consequences. Most start off with the “biggies”: dishonesty, overspending, blatant disobedience, blatant disrespect, etc. In most CDD marriages, these misbehaviors merit a spanking. Then couples go on to add other items to the list. In our home, failure to consistently keep the house and homeschool the kids results in a spanking. Since I have a chronic illness that requires constant vigilance to prevent an exacerbation, failure to maintain my health is also a spanking offence. I have very few other “rules”. Most of my spankings are the result of running my big mouth . It is best to start off with only a few rules and add to them as needed.

Realize in a CDD marriage, no one gets it completely “right” from the start. CDD marriages change and mature with time. They improve with trial and error. Nothing is set in stone. This is
your
relationship. Make changes as they are needed.

Realize as well that even if you don’t openly practice CDD, people will notice the dynamics in your marriage and you might face opposition. Of course, unless you write books in favor of CDD, you probably won’t get the out and out
hate
mail that I get, but you may still be confronted by those who find your relationship repugnant. Remember, Satan
hates
marriages that are set up according to God’s plan. The opposition may even come from within your own family in the form of snide remarks or it might come in the form of teasing from your friends. You may need to decide how open you will be about your lifestyle.

Discuss your fears and reservations about the CDD lifestyle. Many wives fear becoming no more than a “doormat” under their husbands’ feet. She may need to discuss means of communicating her opinions and be assured they will matter to her husband. Many husbands fear being perceived as a bully or an abuser. They have to overcome a lifetime of being taught never to hit a woman. They fear hurting their wives, and consequently, may start off too “soft” in their discipline.

Most of all, start s-l-o-w-l-y. Mistakes are most often made when we rush into something. Husbands, don’t come out swinging the paddle! Give fair warnings. Make sure you communicate clearly and precisely. Wives, don’t make it harder on your husband than it has to be. When you’re guilty, admit it and accept your punishment with grace.

Types of Spankings

There are several different kinds of spankings that couples use in a CDD marriage to meet different needs, including
play spankings
,
maintenance
spankings, pre-emptive
or
reminder spankings
, and of course, the dreaded
punishment spanking
. Not every couple will use every type of spanking, and some may use none at all.

Play
spankings
are by far the least traumatic of these and where many couples start in their CDD journey. They are particularly useful in a marriage where the wife has a frequent need to “feel her husband’s authority” or to be reminded in a very tangible way of what can happen should she misbehave. A play spanking can be as light or severe as the couple wants to make it, though they are usually only mildly, if at all, painful. He can swat her as she walks by if he wishes. He can hold her down to apply one. He can even mock-scold her. She is reminded of his power over her and given a tiny sample of the pain associated with a punishment spanking without the emotional upset that a real spanking can cause. They are beneficial in keeping the wife in a submissive mind-set, and they are good practice for the husband so that he’s more comfortable when he is required to administer a “real” spanking. Play spankings are usually mild in severity and do not usually require a
warm-up.

(***A warm-up is
a period at the beginning of a spanking where strokes are administered at a lighter force and build in severity as the spanking progresses. A warm up is thought to cause a spanking to be less painful and is said to prevent bruising.)

Maintenance
Spankings
are considered real spankings, and oftentimes are scheduled regularly (i.e. once a week, every day, every other day, etc.) for the purpose of punishing several small wrongs done over a period of time, or just to keep a wife in a submissive mind-set. They can also serve the purpose of reminding a wife to behave, allow her to feel her husband’s authority, and remind her of the pain of a punishment spanking. Some women keep a behavior or
maintenance journal
that their husbands review to decide how severe he will make the maintenance session or what implement(s) he will use. Maintenance is usually mild to moderate in severity and often includes a warm-up.

Reminder
or
pre-emptive
spankings
are sometimes given before an event or situation where a wife has had a difficult time controlling her behavior in the past. For example, a husband may choose to give a reminder spanking just before a visit with his mother so that her stingy bottom will remind her to control her tongue. They are usually milder in nature than a punishment spanking, may include a warm up, and are meant to spare the wife a harsher punishment by reminding her to behave.

A
punishment
spanking
is given to correct a wife’s misbehavior. Usually quite painful in nature, they can cause extreme emotional upset. They are mostly moderate to severe in nature and often do not begin with a warm-up. We will focus on punishment spankings in a later chapter.

Common Alternative Punishments

Often a wife’s behavior demands action, but the husband does not feel a spanking is warranted. He might be unable to administer a spanking for some reason, but is unwilling to let her behavior slide. Or he might feel additional discipline is required in addition to a spanking. For whatever reason, alternative forms of punishment are common in the CDD world.