Child of Promise (21 page)

“Pride’s just as fatal a flaw in a physician. But, sometimes— most times, if the truth be told—it’s the mistakes that make us better. Better doctors, better priests, better human beings. If, of course, we find the humility in the midst of our overweening self-importance to learn and amend our lives.” She smiled wryly. “Sad, isn’t it, that the only way we seem to learn true humility is in the realization of how very weak and ineffectual we frequently are? But we need those empty places humility fashions, swept clean of our conceit, if we’re to have any hope of God using them and entering through them and into us more fully.”

Beth’s statement filled Noah with awe. “And when exactly did you gain such deep insights into the nature of God and suffering?”

Beth shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it was from something my parents said, or perhaps you shared it one Sunday in one of your mesmerizing sermons. One way or another, it touched me deeply, that truth, and I’ve thought about it many a time. I do believe it, you know.”

Over the years, Noah had given many homilies addressing the topic of suffering and its wondrous redemptive value. Indeed, he had presented one just recently at Millie’s funeral. The realization comforted him. Perhaps, just perhaps, he had managed, after all, to have been of some use to someone. But it wasn’t enough.

“I’ve been giving serious thought to leaving the priesthood,” Noah said. “How would you feel about that, about me, if I did?”

Beth finished the last dish and handed it to him. Then, as he rinsed and stacked it with the others, she emptied the dishpan, rinsed it, and set it on its side. Only then did she turn to him.

“How would I feel about you?” she asked. “I’d love you no matter what. But that said, I think leaving the priesthood would be the biggest mistake of your life and a denial of your divine call. If any man was meant to be a priest, it’s you, Noah Starr. I can well guess, though, why all this has led to such terrible self-doubts. You wouldn’t be the man you are if such a loss didn’t affect you so deeply.”

“I feel . . . I feel like I’ve failed everyone. Harlow, Mary Sue, and even you.” Noah looked down. “I just . . . I’m just so tired, Beth.”

She closed the few feet separating them, taking him into her arms. “I know,” she said softly. “I know. But if in this time of pain you feel too weary and confused to bear the yoke the Lord has placed on you, then let me help you carry it. Your sorrow is mine. Let me and all the others who love you share this load. But never, ever doubt what you were always meant to be in the service of the Lord. Never!”

He leaned against her, his arms slipping around to pull her close. It felt so good to hold Beth, to feel her love and concern and know her support. Even now, when it seemed as if the Lord was so very far away, Noah knew that He was as close as the woman he held in his arms. Even now, God’s loving promise that He’d never forsake his children was apparent.

“Then help me, Beth,” he whispered hoarsely. “Help me find a way out of this.”

She kissed him on the forehead. “How about starting with Mary Sue? She’s been free from jail for over half a week now, waiting and worrying on her trial, and you haven’t been to see her once. Perhaps if you talked with her, asked for her forgiveness . . . Harlow’s not the only victim. She was harmed by what happened that night, too. Perhaps that’s where you need to start to begin your healing.”

Beth had voiced what had been in his heart since that horrible night. But he felt so ashamed, so afraid. Afraid of what Mary Sue would say, afraid that she wouldn’t forgive him.

“You’re right, of course,” he said, pulling back from her, but not meeting the piercing scrutiny of her gaze. “I’m not setting a very good example, am I, in not asking her forgiveness?” “I couldn’t care less about the example you should set as a pastor right now. What matters to me is you as a man and that you come back to the Lord.”

Noah glanced up sharply. Was it that apparent that he wavered so erratically in his faith right now? The realization shamed him anew.

Beth must have noted the color that flooded his face. “It’s all right, you know. It’s human to lose hope, to question, to rail against the unfairness of it all. God understands. His own Son experienced the same painful emotions. In the end, though, all that matters is that you continue to love the Lord through it all and trust in Him. Trust that it’ll all work out for the best.”

Noah leaned against the wall behind him and rested his head. He closed his eyes. “Why, Beth? Why would God let a man die just to teach me some lesson I need to learn?” He banged his head against the wall. “I know, I know. I’ve offered the same answers to others many a time, but I see now I never really understood it. Not really.”

He opened his eyes to meet her gaze, his mouth twisting bitterly. “All this time, all I had to give were lame, shallow answers. I was such a hypocrite.”

“No, you weren’t a hypocrite.” She took his hand. “You gave from the wellspring of your own knowledge and belief. You gave from the heart. Sometimes just because you don’t fully understand something doesn’t mean it isn’t still the truth. It just means you’ve got more to learn.”

“Well, that much is certainly true,” Noah said with a harsh laugh. “I still have a
lot
to learn.”

Beth squeezed his hand. “Go talk with my father. He’s so much wiser than I. He’ll help you, if any man can. And make your peace with Mary Sue, whether she can forgive you or not.”

“I’m not supposed to be the one who asks for the help.” He shook his head, feeling foolish. “I’m the one who dispenses it.”

“And if that isn’t pride speaking, I don’t know what is. You’re our pastor, Noah, not the Almighty. You’re as human as the rest of us and will be to your dying day.” Beth smiled. “But that’s also what makes you our finest example and inspiration. In you, we see living proof the Lord spares no one in allowing life to take its course. But we also see the glorious power of His love manifested in you in how you live for Him no matter life’s trials and tribulations. In how you persevere, overcome, and never long lose the joy.”

20

He that overcometh shall inherit all things.

Revelation 21:7

“No, Reverend Starr, I’m sorry. I can’t find it in my heart to forgive you.”

Noah dragged in a long, deep breath, glanced down at the hat he held between his knees, then looked up to meet Mary Sue Peterson’s cool gaze. “Why? If you don’t mind telling me, why can’t you forgive me?”

She eyed him for a long moment, then sighed. “Perhaps it’s a failing in me, but I can’t come to terms with the thought that you seemed to care more for God’s law than for God’s children. And me, in particular, as one of those children.” She shook her head. “I thought you were a godly man, but now . . . now I no longer know what to think.”

A sharp pain lanced through Noah, stabbing clear to his heart.
You seemed to care more for God’s law than for God’s children .
 
.
 
. I thought you were a godly man
 
.
 
.
 
.

“Do you still love and serve the Lord?” Noah asked, struggling to contain his anguish and deep sense of failure. Though he had come to call on Mary Sue the very next day after he and Beth had talked, he had waited too long. If only he had come sooner . . .

“Yes, I do still love the Lord,” she said after a moment of hesitation. “But I don’t trust you anymore. I’m sorry. I don’t wish to be cruel. You’re Beth’s husband after all, and I’m proud to call her my friend.” She smiled sadly. “Perhaps I’ll come to terms with my anger against you someday, maybe when I overcome my anger at Harlow. Right now, though, I can’t say I feel any too kindly toward men in general.”

A sense of weary resignation swamped Noah. There wasn’t much hope of resolving anything today, he realized. And he could hardly blame Mary Sue for how she felt. He
had
failed her.

Noah stood. “Thank you for your honesty. I understand why you might not feel any too kindly toward me right now. Still, I had to come, offer my apologies, and ask your forgiveness.”

“I appreciate that, Reverend Starr.”

He turned to go, then hesitated. “For your sake, if not for mine, try and find it in your heart to forgive me someday. The Lord asks that of us all, and I’ve caused you enough pain. I don’t wish to be the cause of further damage to your soul.” Noah strode to the door, opened it, and paused. “Thank you for taking the time today to speak with me. I know it must have been hard.”

Mary Sue walked up and grasped the door. “No harder than it was for you, I’m sure. Good day, Reverend Starr.”

He shoved his hat back on his head and nodded. “Good day to you, Mrs. Peterson.”

As he turned to leave, Mary Sue closed the door firmly behind him. Noah headed out, leaving her front yard by the gate, and made his way back down Winona Street toward the post office. He supposed he should feel something after such a fruitless visit—disappointment, hurt, or maybe even a touch of irritation at Mary Sue’s refusal to remember all his efforts on her behalf in the past. But instead Noah only felt numb.

After he collected the mail, Noah walked outside and sorted through it. A letter from his mother, another from a distant cousin. Then the familiar address of the General Theological Seminary caught his eye.

Noah frowned. He had answered their last letter not long after his talk with Millie the night before the Fall Social, thanking them for their kind offer but informing them he was content to remain in Grand View. Whatever could they want now?

He glanced up. The sky was clear, the day fine, warm, and perfect for the middle of June. He settled on the wooden bench outside the post office and opened the seminary’s letter.

After the usual salutations, it got right to the point. Another position had opened up—one that all agreed he was even more suited for. Though funds were tight, would he reconsider if offered a higher salary and a position as head of the sacred theology department?

A crazed mix of emotions assaulted Noah. Strange that a second and even more prestigious position should come at a time like this. Was it, perhaps, the will of God at work?

It’d be the answer to many problems—more time to spend with Beth and Emily. A job devoted to his first love—the study of God and his faith. And a respite from the frequently exhausting and frustrating job of dealing, day in and day out, with Grand View’s residents. He had served them to the best of his ability for over fourteen years now. Maybe it was time to move on.

New York City . . . Noah had always loved that city. The myriad educational opportunities, the access to fine libraries, restaurants, and museums, the diversity of cultures. He’d never feel isolated again, intellectually or spiritually. The offer, with all its exciting potential, was a dream come true!

But what about Beth? Was it fair to ask her to leave her home and family? And what about her commitment to Doc Childress and her growing medical practice? She was finally building a solid reputation as an excellent diagnostician and compassionate physician.

The opportunities for her in New York City, though, would be equally as good, if not better. And how he’d love to see her situated someplace where she could find the stature and acclaim she truly deserved, and would never fully achieve in a small town. How he’d love to see her bloom and grow to her fullest capabilities!

Noah stuffed the letter back into its envelope, put it in his coat pocket, and rose. The seminary’s offer was tempting, very tempting. Like every other major life decision, however, he must pray on it. And he must ask his wife for her opinion. There were two of them now, two hearts and two minds.

This time, though, there wasn’t a whole lot of room for marital compromise. It was either stay or go.

Beth set the letter aside on the kitchen table and looked up at her husband. “They spoke of this being their second offer,” she said. “I don’t recall anything about a first one.”

“I was initially approached in late October. I talked with Millie at the time, prayed over it, and decided to remain here. So I wrote, thanked them for the consideration, but politely declined.”

“Oh, I see.”

Unease twined about Beth’s heart. Noah might have refused the first offer, but she could tell he was giving this new one some very serious consideration.

She chewed on her lower lip. “So what are you asking? Do I want to go or not?”

He didn’t answer right off, but instead studied her gravely. “Well, at the very least, I’d like us to discuss the offer, then give it some thought. The head of the theology department’s a very important position. I could do a lot of good there, touch many lives.”

He is so excited about this, Beth thought. That letter had brought the sparkle back to his eyes, and he almost glowed with renewed energy. She hadn’t seen him so animated since their wedding and honeymoon.

“You do a lot of good here, Noah. These people are important, too, you know.”

He nodded, leaned forward, and took her hand. “I know that, sweetheart. But to be able to influence hundreds of future priests . . . Multiply that by all the people they’ll all help and influence . . . Well, I’d touch a lot more lives, if indirectly.”

“I understand that, Noah.”

“But you don’t want to leave here.” His face fell. “You want to stay in Grand View, don’t you?”

“All things being equal, yes, I do. But it’s not just what I want anymore, is it? A husband and wife have to decide such things together.”

Noah squeezed her hand. “Thank you for that. I don’t want you to be unhappy, though. Would you at least pray on it, Beth? Give it some thought? The potential benefits to you and your medical career might be considerable. And it’s not as if New York City’s a totally foreign place for you.”

“New York’s not a place of particularly happy memories for me, either, Noah. Or have you already forgotten?”

“No, I haven’t forgotten. But if we went, we’d go together, you, Emily, and me. We’d go as a family. And we’d be close to the cutting edge in medical practice, which might well be a godsend for Emily.” He grinned for the first time in a week. “The more I think about it, the more the advantages seem to outweigh what few disadvantages there are.”

“Maybe, Noah. Maybe.”

“You’ll at least think on it, won’t you?”

What choice had she? He was her husband.

“Yes,” Beth said with a sigh. “Of course, I’ll think on it.”

Noah was considerate enough not to bring up the subject for the next day or two, though Beth could tell it was nearly always on his mind. It had to be. It was nearly always on hers.

Try as she might, though, she could find no joy, no peace, and certainly no acceptance in the idea of leaving Grand View. She cherished the opportunity to get to know the people she lived with and cared for. To see the children grow, fall in love, marry, and start families of their own. To experience, along with her patients and friends, all of life’s sublime mysteries and phases, from birth to death.

So much of that would be lost in the inevitable anonymity of a place like New York City. There was very little help for it, considering its size.

And how could she desert Doc like that? Little by little, the old physician was turning over his practice to her. True, they had no legal contract saying that she must stay for any set length of time. But he wasn’t just her colleague. He was a cherished, longtime friend.

Still, there was Noah to consider. Though he mentioned nothing further about his fitness to remain in the priesthood, Beth knew he continued to have his doubts. She could see it in his eyes and in his subtle lack of enthusiasm for his work. Would it be in the best interests of his priestly calling for him to take this new job?

The questions whirled about endlessly in Beth’s head until she could barely keep her mind focused on work. Finally, late one morning two days after Noah’s surprising revelation, she decided she needed the help of more seasoned and objective minds than what she currently possessed. With Doc’s permission, Beth cancelled her two afternoon appointments, rescheduling them for tomorrow. After saddling up her horse, she set out for Culdee Creek.

Could I ever tire of the sweeping panorama of this beautiful, untamed land? Beth wondered as she rode along. The verdant, grassy hills. The cool depths of the ponderosa pine forests. The looming, timeless majesty of Pikes Peak.

She loved the Front Range, even with its wild, unforgiving weather. She’d miss its sacred silences that nurtured the soul, opening the heart to the wonders of the universe and, inevitably, to that universe’s Maker. But, most of all, how she’d miss the stalwart, brave people, especially her family.

Culdee Creek was far more than just a ranch and her girlhood home. Culdee Creek represented the hopes and dreams of her hardy Scottish and American ancestors. Ancestors who had sacrificed everything to defend all they held dear and, when the New World offered the chance of a better life, had braved countless hardships to set out for that unknown.

All because of their love of freedom and family. All because they wanted something more, something better. And all thanks to their courage.

Must she, now, also set out for the unknown of a new life because of her love for her husband? More than anything she had ever wanted, Beth wanted Noah to be happy and find renewed zeal in the service of the Lord. But was her courage—and her love—sufficient to the task?

Beth wasn’t sure. Maybe, just maybe, though, she thought as she drew up before the ranch’s main house, her parents might see past all the many possibilities to what really mat254 tered. Just now, Beth desperately needed to understand and find some kind of acceptance.

Abby was the first to notice her arrival. She hurried out onto the covered front porch, the screen door closing behind her with its usual forceful bang. A dishcloth in hand, she walked over to Beth.

“My, what a pleasant surprise,” her stepmother said. “Nothing’s wrong, is it, for you to come visiting in the middle of the day in the middle of the week?”

Beth climbed the porch steps. “Well, as a matter of fact, I do have something to talk with you and Pa about.” She glanced around. “Is he anywhere near?”