Child of Promise (16 page)

Finally, after taking his temperature again, Beth was relieved to see Noah’s temperature had dropped a degree. Now, if she could just get some aspirin into him . . .

Beth grasped Noah’s shoulder and shook it gently. “Noah? Wake up. I need to—”

His lids fluttered open. “B-Beth?”

She grabbed the glass she had prepared with the aspirin powder added to some water, slid a hand under his neck, and lifted his head. “Here. Take this. It’ll help you.”

Noah opened his mouth, and Beth poured the solution down his throat. “That’s good, Noah. Now take another drink. You need to get some fluids into you.”

Noah did as he was told but finally turned his face away. “N-no more . . . water.”

“Okay.” Beth set the glass aside. “You drank enough for now. You can have more later.”

“Yes . . . later.” He closed his eyes, but his hand groped for hers and, finding it, held it tight. “Stay with me, Beth,” he said. “Don’t be angry . . . with me . . . anymore.”

“Oh, Noah,” she whispered, “I’m not angry with you. Far, far from it.”

His eyes snapped opened. “I didn’t send you away because I wanted to. I just wanted . . . to protect you.”

She bit her lip and looked away. “It’s all right, Noah. Just go to sleep. You need to sleep.”

“It hurt, Beth. Hurt . . . not to have you here. I miss you. Miss you so badly . . .” His grip on her hand loosened, then fell away.

Beth swallowed hard and turned back to him. Noah lay there sleeping soundly, his skin a little less flushed. Tenderly, she brushed aside a lock of hair that clung damply to his forehead, then ran her finger lovingly down the side of his face.

“Oh, Noah, Noah,” she whispered. “It hurt me so badly to have to leave. If you only knew how much it hurt . . .”

You’re kindred souls, honey, and belong together.

In the dimly lit room, Beth could almost imagine Millie sitting there in the corner, speaking the words she had spoken that early January day, only weeks before her death. Strange that those words came back to Beth now. Perhaps they rose from the depths of her jumbled emotions, from seeing Noah so sick and hearing his admission of his continued need for her.

With a groan, Beth lowered her face into her hands. Perhaps they
were
kindred souls. All she knew was leaving him had all but ripped her heart asunder. And coming back to care for him had only torn it open again. She just wasn’t whole anymore without him.

Kindred souls . . .

What else had Millie said to her that day? Something about not letting her fears keep her from the man of her heart, about her being the one who’d finally heal Noah’s wound of losing Alice.

Beth threw back her head. Ah, if only she was that woman! If only Noah could find it within himself to love her! She’d give up everything that had ever mattered, if only she could have Noah. But she was too afraid. She didn’t know what to do to win Noah’s heart.

He just doesn’t know the true depth of his feelings for you. Don’t let your fears keep you from the man of your heart.

Beth looked down at Noah. Her heart swelled with the fiercest love, the wildest hope she had ever experienced. And, in that moment of silent consideration, she made up her mind. She determined to take a chance. She determined to risk what heretofore had been some crazy, girlhood dream.

Thanks to his strong constitution and good medical care, Noah soon recovered from his bout of influenza. He was taking home paperwork and seeing a few visitors two days later. By Sunday he was able to conduct a brief communion service, and he spent half a day in the church office on Monday.

After her first visit to the rectory that day Noah was so sick, Beth turned over his care to Doc Childress. For the time being, she decided, it was best to keep herself away from Noah. Once he was well again would be soon enough to confront him.

However, a little over a week and a half later, Beth could wait no longer. If she didn’t speak to Noah now, she knew she’d lose the last of her courage. And what she planned on doing was one of the most terrifying things she had ever done in her life.

Beth left the hotel that night about half past seven and headed to the rectory. Pausing on the front porch, she squared her shoulders, inhaled a deep, fortifying breath, and knocked. Lord, she silently prayed as she waited for Noah to answer, help me in this. Right about now, I need all the strength You’ve got to spare.

A squirming towel-wrapped Emily in his arms, Noah opened the door. For a long, emotion-laden moment, they stood there, staring at each other, neither saying a thing.

“May I come in?” Beth asked finally. “I’ve a proposition that might interest you.”

He arched a brow. “Indeed? Well, come on in, then.”

She followed him into the kitchen. Noah unwrapped Emily from her towel and placed her back in her bathtub. Emily splashed happily for a minute or so, then lifted her chubby, water-slick arms to Beth.

“Bef! Bef!” the little girl cried.

Beth knelt beside the tub, took one of the toddler’s hands, and pressed it to her lips.

“How have you been, sweetheart? I’ve missed you.”

Emily giggled, patted Beth’s face until it was wet, then resumed her splashing in the tub. Beth knelt there for a few minutes more, then stood.

“She’s missed you, too,” Noah said as he began drying the dishes he had just finished washing. “Not a day goes by Emily doesn’t speak your name.”

“Well, I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution to that problem.” Beth walked to the table, took a seat, then gestured to the chair opposite her. “Could you leave the dishes for just a moment and sit down?”

“So, this proposition of yours is so earth-shattering I need to be sitting, do I?” he asked with a chuckle as he laid aside his dishcloth and ambled over to the table.

“I suppose that depends on how many women have ever proposed to you in your life,” she replied evenly, though her heart seemed to have tripled its rate. “And how many would that be, Noah?”

He went very still. He eyed her warily.

“Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood what you just said,” he croaked out at last, “but did you just propose marriage to me?”

Beth gripped her hands so tightly on the table that they hurt. Be right about this, Millie, she thought. Oh, please, please, be right!

Then she forced herself to nod her assent. “Yes, I did. Will you marry me?”

16

Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.

John 15:3

Beth watched the emotions play across Noah’s face. Shock, then a brief flash of what she thought might be joy, and, finally, rejection. Her heart sank. He didn’t want her for his wife.

“Beth,” Noah began, shaking his head, “it wouldn’t work. You deserve better than me. You’d see that someday and regret your hasty decision.”

“This may come as a surprise to you, Noah Starr,” she said between gritted teeth, suddenly so embarrassed she wanted to leap up and run out of the room, “but I’ve been thinking about this, in some form or another, since before Millie died. In fact, she was the one who brought up the subject to me. Whether you agree or not, Millie seemed to think there was something special growing between us.”

“There
was
something special between us,” he said, a fierce certainty glowing in his eyes. “A deep friendship, a sense of kinship even. When I talked with you, I always got the feeling you understood me, that you cared. And that was a very precious gift to me, Beth. But a marriage?” He sighed. “Well, it just wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“And exactly why wouldn’t marrying you be fair to me? Come on, Noah. Tell me why.”

He shrugged and looked away. “Why else? For one thing, I’m thirteen years older than you. And then there’s the fact I don’t know if I’m capable of ever loving you like you deserve to be loved. It just hurt too much, losing Alice. And to top it off, I can’t be depended on to be there when you need me. My first calling must always be in the service of the Lord. Any wife and children would always come second.”

“Kind of like me and my medical practice,” she muttered with an edge of sarcasm. “Still, I think we must all find some kind of balance in our lives. And you must do that just as I must, to have a full and satisfying life.”

“It’s too late for me, Beth.”

“Hogwash! I say, instead, you’re acting like a coward. You’d rather run away from your needs and emotions than stay and face them. But how can you ever work things out if you keep running away? And what of all the potential happiness you deny yourself in the doing?”

“I was thinking more of all the potential pain I avoid instead,” he replied dryly. “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a good husband or a father.” He gestured to Emily, who was gazing adoringly up at him. “Look at that little girl. For all her handicaps, she’s such a happy, unselfish, generous child. Yet most times when I look at her, all I see are her limitations. All I see is my guilt in not being there for Alice.”

“Do you seriously think you could’ve prevented Alice’s childbirth difficulties? Do you, Noah?”

He glanced down and shook his head. “Maybe not. But I just can’t get over my sense of failure. I just can’t—”

“Can’t forgive yourself?” Beth supplied for him. “Even though, with your help, I’m finally coming to forgive myself with
all
my failings? And even though God has forgiven you long ago, if there was truly anything really
to
forgive?”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Noah met her gaze. “I still can’t forgive myself.”

“But you didn’t sin. You just erred in your well-meant intention to try to be everything to everyone at all times.” She smiled sadly. “That’s a pretty heavy load for anyone—save God—to bear for long. And it’s pretty arrogant and prideful, too. As prideful as refusing to forgive yourself.”

For a long moment, Noah just stared at her. “You’re right,” he admitted at last. “I
am
arrogant and prideful if I imagine I’m above forgiveness. Funny thing. I guess I never imagined myself above sin, just above forgiveness.” He reached for her hand. “Do you see what I mean, Beth? Among all the other things I treasure in you, I treasure how you can cut straight to the heart of things for me.”

“But you don’t treasure me enough to want to marry me.”

“Ah, Beth, Beth.” He exhaled a deep, mournful breath. “It’s not like that. I just feel so . . . so unworthy of you.”

“Unworthy?” She gave a disbelieving laugh. “Do you know, since that day when I was fourteen and you saved me from that rattler, I fell hopelessly in love with you? That when you wed Alice, you broke my heart? Up until then, I was even willing to forego medical school to be your wife. That’s how much I loved you.”

“But that was a schoolgirl crush. You’re a grown woman now.”

Beth began to tremble with the rising intensity of her emotions. If she told Noah of her love for him now, and he rejected it . . . But what other choice was there? In some deep, secret part of her, Beth knew this was the only chance she’d ever have. Indeed, her only chance to find the courage to dare.

“Yes,” she said quietly but with deep feeling, “I’m a grown woman now. And I love you now with all the needs and emotions of a grown woman. I see you for the man you are, Noah Starr. I see your weaknesses as well as strengths, your courage, goodness, and your fears. And as your strengths draw me, your failings don’t turn me away. You’re human, and I love your humanness. I love you.”

Noah covered her hand with his. “If you knew . . . if you knew how much I’ve desired you . . . Well, it frightens me, Beth. Such passion . . . I never felt that with Alice, leastwise never as strongly, as gut-twistingly as I feel it for you. There are times, I must confess, when I can’t see past it to the person you are.”

“Do you think it’s sinful, the feelings you have for me?”

Noah looked up, his eyes twin pools of misery. “I don’t know. I suppose not if we were man and wife.” His brow furrowed. “Maybe it’s more that I fear my need for you would consume me, that it might eventually become more powerful than my need for God. And I can’t let that happen.”

“I’d never ask or want that of you. You know that.”

Beth could feel her hope dying, withering away in the realization she could never ask such a sacrifice from him. God was such a vital part of who Noah Starr was. It’d destroy him to lose that very essence of his being.

Ever so gently, Beth pulled her hand free of his clasp. “I know what I want, and I want you. You and Emily. But I don’t see my love for the two of you as an either-or situation— God’s love versus human love. In fact, believe it or not, I see you and Emily as a gift from a loving God. A gift I want to cherish all my days until I’m finally called home to heaven.”

Beth shoved back her chair and stood. “If you can’t see me that way, if you truly believe you’d compromise your love and service to the Lord if you wed me, then I don’t want you to. I’d never, ever, ask such a thing of you.

“So, think on what we’ve said here tonight, Noah. Search your heart. And then tell me what’s in it. One way or another, I’ll accept it. It won’t change what I feel for you, but I’ll accept it.”

After Beth left that evening Noah lay in bed, praying long into the night. Despite Beth’s words to the contrary, he still found it difficult to believe she loved him. He beseeched the Lord to make clear His will for them. Could it be, was it possible, God truly meant for them to be together? At the merest consideration of the prospect, Noah’s mind roiled crazily, even as his body ached at the thought of taking Beth as his wife.

Ah, how he needed someone to confide in at such a time as this! But Millie, his dearest confidante and friend, was gone. And Beth, as much as he respected her insights and advice, was hardly the person to help him now.

There was Conor, though. Noah smiled at the irony. Conor, who was one of the wisest men he knew, was Beth’s father. How could he possibly go to him, knowing in what a difficult position it would place his friend?

Yet who knew both him and Beth better than Conor MacKay? And who loved them more and would do his utmost to help them traverse this difficult path in the best way, the only way the Lord wished for them to go?

Noah turned on his side, adjusted the pillow more firmly beneath his head, and closed his eyes. A strong sense of peace filled him. First thing tomorrow, he’d pay Culdee Creek’s owner a visit. If any man knew the Lord, it was Conor MacKay.

The next morning after Luanne arrived, Noah saddled up his horse and headed out to Culdee Creek. It was a brisk but sunny March day, the snow was all but melted, and sprigs of bright new grass were poking up their heads all over the place. It was one of those invigorating, great-to-be-alive kind of days. Spring was obviously on its way.

Conor hadn’t yet headed out to do any range work, so when Noah arrived, Abby led him to the study, where Conor was bent over what appeared to be the ranch accounts.

Conor looked up in surprise. “Well, well, and what brings you all the way out to Culdee Creek so early in the day?” he asked, standing.

As Noah accepted his friend’s outstretched hand, he noted Abby discreetly pulling the door closed. “I’ve got a problem. A big problem, and I thought you might be the man to help me with it.”

Conor indicated the armchair in the corner. “I’ll do what I can. You know that.” He pulled his desk chair close and sat.

Noah took his seat. Here goes, he thought.

“Let me get right to the point. Beth proposed to me last night.”

Culdee Creek’s owner eyed him for several seconds, then gave a snort of disbelief. “Well, I’ll be . . .” He chuckled. “I always knew my daughter had a lot of guts, but that surprises even me.” He cocked his head, a look of interest in his eyes. “What did you say to her? Once you picked yourself up off the floor, I mean?”

“I was so confused and scared, I told her I’d have to think on it.” Noah smiled ruefully. “Or, rather, once it became evident to Beth I didn’t really know
what
to think, she told me it was up to me. She said she knew how she felt about me. Now it was up to me to decide how I felt about her.”

Conor scratched his jaw. “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. Abby and I have been watching your relationship develop for a while now. And I’ve always known how Beth felt about you. Question is, how do you feel about her?”

“That’s the problem, Conor.” Noah sighed. “My feelings for her are all in a jumble. I respect and like her. I care for her. We get along so well, and she’s never been afraid to tell me when she thinks I’ve gone astray. But do I love her? I don’t know.”

“Or, rather, are you just afraid of letting yourself love again?” his friend asked quietly. “Ever since Alice died, I’ve seen how you pull into your shell any time a woman seems interested in you.”

So his avoidance of romantic involvements had been obvious. Noah smiled sardonically.

“I guess I’m just afraid of disappointing or hurting anyone again. And I’m even more afraid of how Beth makes me feel and that I’ll end up putting her above God.”

Conor gave a disgusted snort. “Appears more like you might be using God as some shield to hide behind, thinking to protect yourself from the pain that sometimes comes with risking your heart. Just be careful, Noah. Don’t use the Lord as an excuse not to get out there and live the life He truly wants you to live.”

His friend’s observation struck closer to home than Noah cared to admit. Frustration filled him, and he buried his face in his hands.

“I don’t want to run from life, Conor. If only I could be sure this was the right thing for me to do. It’s not that I don’t want Beth. It’s just that I’m so afraid of failing her, of disappointing her.”

“It’s impossible to know what life holds for us,” Conor said softly. “All any of us can do is trust in the Lord, listen to His call, and then follow, doing the best we can do. As you always have, Noah, whether you can see that now or not. That’s why Alice and Millie loved you to their dying day. And that’s why, if you can find the courage to let yourself love my daughter, you’ll have my blessing on your marriage to her.”

Noah looked up. A weight seemed to fall from his shoulders, replaced by a sweet tranquility. If he had the courage .  . .

He smiled. “Thank you, Conor. Once again, you’ve helped me more than you might ever know.”