Child of Promise (14 page)

“In time,” Noah finished gently for her, “you gave yourself to him? Is that what you’re trying to say, Beth?”

“Yes”—her head jerked up, and she unflinchingly met his gaze—“I gave myself to him! But that’s not the worst of it. A couple of months later, I discovered I was pregnant. I, nearly a doctor, had allowed myself to become pregnant! I felt like such a fool.”

“And what did you do then? Did you tell him?”

She gave a strident laugh. “Oh, yes. I told him. At first, Matthew seemed happy, claiming he loved me and that we’d wed. But as he made plans to tell his parents and spoke of the fine life we’d have, I began to feel as if the jaws of a trap were closing about me. I realized that as kind as Matthew had always been to me, I didn’t love him. Still, what choice did I have? The scandal would’ve ruined my medical career.”

“Yet you didn’t marry him, did you?”

“No, I didn’t. Once his family discovered my Indian heritage, they wouldn’t have anything to do with me. And Matthew wouldn’t go against them.”

“So he wasn’t man enough to meet his responsibilities?”

“No, he wasn’t.” Beth looked away, playing over the events in her mind. Finally she turned back to Noah. “Luckily, the baby was due in late August. I was able to hide my pregnancy until I completed my final year of medical school. Then I insisted I had to return home for the summer.

“Instead, I left the city and found a place in a small town in upstate New York. I engaged a kindly, discreet physician to deliver the baby. And then I holed up in my tiny room, hiding there, afraid to leave for fear someone might see me.” She paused, fighting the tears once more. “The baby came a few weeks early, stillborn but a perfectly formed, beautiful little girl.”

Beth closed her eyes, the sheer, stark pain of that terror-filled night flooding her anew. Finally, though, she found the courage to go on.

“I’d thought that once she was born I’d take her to a foundling home and give her away. It was the only choice I had. I couldn’t start my internship burdened by a child. Even with the money my parents sent for my tuition, there was barely enough left to support myself. And then there would’ve been the scandal . . .”

She dragged in a tear-choked breath. “But when I saw her, lying there so perfect and beautiful, my heart swelled with such love that I knew if she hadn’t died, I could’ve never, ever, given her up not even for the sake of my medical career. But there was never any choice to make. I baptized her, then had her buried. Just in case God might take pity on my baby, I wanted to make sure she had a chance at heaven. If she’d lived, I would’ve even given up becoming a doctor for her.”

“Ah, Beth. Beth.” Noah kissed her on the forehead. “It breaks my heart to hear what you went through, all alone and so far from us, the people who love you. If I’d known, I would’ve come out there to help you, to do whatever you needed.” He crooked her beneath her chin and lifted it, bringing her eyes level with his. “You believe that, don’t you?”

Beth wanted to look away, but she didn’t. “Yes, I believe you would’ve, but I just couldn’t tell anyone. It was too shameful, and I couldn’t bear to disappoint my father or Abby. I wanted them to be proud of me.”

“They’ve always been proud of you, Beth, and would’ve anyway. They love you. Sure, it would’ve hurt them, because you’d been so hurt in the process, but they would’ve never stopped loving you.”

“And what of you, Noah?” Beth forced herself to ask the question that carried an equal burden of pain. “Knowing what you know now, how do you feel about me? Do you still want me in your house, caring for Millie and Emily?”

He frowned in puzzlement. His hand fell from beneath her chin to rest lightly on her shoulder. “And why would you think my opinion of you has changed? Because you’ve made a mistake?”

“Because I’ve sinned and sinned grievously, that’s why!” Despite Beth’s staunchest efforts to quell her tears, they welled and coursed down her cheeks. “I engaged in an illicit union. I bore a child out of wedlock, for once Matthew turned his back on me, he never spoke to me again, not even to ask about the baby. And, I lost my faith in God. I—worst of all I hated God, Noah,” Beth admitted at last, “especially after my daughter died. I raged at Him, called Him every name I could think of, and vowed never to follow Him again. Not because of what had happened to me, mind you, for I deserved my punishment. But because He had taken an innocent child”—momentarily, a sob choked off her voice— “taken her from her m-mother.”

“Oh, Beth, Beth.” Noah tenderly stroked her hair. “I think the Lord understood your anger and your pain and long ago forgave it. It’s you who won’t forgive yourself. Because of that, you imagine no one else—God included—will ever forgive you, either.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “But you don’t understand, Noah. I knew better. I was raised better than that. Yet I willingly and willfully sinned anyway.”

“Yes, you sinned. But God understands that. What matters now is that you confess your sins to Him, ask His forgiveness, then forgive yourself.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It
is
simple. Jesus Christ’s death on the cross made it that simple.” He smiled. “As for me, Beth, I’m hardly the one to judge you. My calling is to help, to teach, and to lead God’s children back to Him. But never to judge. That’s for Him, and only Him, to do.”

A fierce, sweet joy rose in Beth. Suddenly, everything seemed possible, even returning to the Lord’s loving arms.

And Noah, dear sweet Noah, had shown her—in his own loving acceptance—the way.

“Do you know how much I love you, Noah Starr?” Impulsively, she sat up, leaned over, and kissed him on the mouth, then pulled back, stunned at her audacity.

His eyes widened. He stared at her, impaling her with the sudden intensity of his gaze. Then he raised his hand, moving it to cup the back of her neck. He pulled her to him, until her lips hovered but a hairsbreadth from his.

“Sweet, sweet Beth,” he breathed huskily before closing the remaining, infinitesimal distance.

His mouth touched hers, slowly, leisurely, as if he wished to prolong the experience to its fullest. For a fleeting instant Beth stiffened, her mind refusing to register what her body recognized and accepted. Then, with a moan, she came to him, responding to his kiss with an eager, ardent abandon.

A fire ignited between them. A bittersweet recognition of their long-denied need swelled, then exploded. Joy rushed in to drench them in ever deepening waves of delight.

Then, from somewhere outside, noises intruded. Men’s voices shouting in excitement. Heavy footsteps stomping on a wooden porch.

Beth struggled up from the pleasurable haze Noah’s mouth and body had wrought on her. She pushed back, breaking their embrace.

“N-Noah! Someone’s coming!”

Noah didn’t seem to comprehend the implications of her words. He reached for her again, attempting to pull her back to him. Then recognition dawned. Hastily, his blanket clutched to him, Noah shoved to his knees.

The front door swung open. A man—tall and broad of shoulder, dressed in a thick jacket and black Stetson—strode in. At the sight of Beth and Noah, the man froze.

“Pa!” Beth cried with a crazy mixture of relief and horror, pulling the lap robe up to cover herself more fully.

14

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Noah locked gazes with Conor, and in his friend’s eyes he saw relief and pained be–wilderment. His heart twisted.

“It’s not what you think, Conor,” he said. “I went out looking for—”

Another pair of footsteps sounded on the porch. Then, from behind Conor, Harlow Peterson glanced around.

“What did you find, MacKay?” he demanded irritably. “Are they in here? If not, we need to—”

Harlow went silent as his glance took in Noah and Beth, quite obviously scantily clad beneath their individual lap robes. His eyes widened.

“Well, well. What do we have here?”

At the look of gloating triumph in Harlow’s eyes, fury blazed in Noah. Fury at Harlow Peterson, but fury, as well, at himself. Whatever had possessed him to remain there on the floor with Beth after they woke, clinging to each other, kissing each other? No matter that it had felt so natural, so good, waking up to find her there beside him. What counted was the impropriety of it all. What if he had irreparably ruined Beth’s reputation?

Conor must have seen the look in Noah’s eyes, for he turned quickly to Harlow. “Why don’t we step back outside while Father Starr and Beth get ready to go?” As he spoke, Culdee Creek’s owner guided the other man out the door and back onto the porch. “Time enough for explanations later. We’ve got to head back to town.” Conor glanced over his shoulder at Noah. “Why don’t you get dressed, then join us out here?”

Noah nodded as the front door swung closed. He expelled a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Beth. This was all my fault.”

“Oh, really?” Anger burned in her eyes. “And exactly where did you go wrong, Noah? When you risked your life to find me last night? Or was it, rather, when you removed our wet clothes and used the heat of your body to warm me? Or perhaps you’re speaking instead of allowing me to kiss you?”

He reached over, grabbed his trousers, and proceeded to slip them on beneath his blanket. “We should’ve risen and dressed as soon as we woke. Conor’s none too happy with us right now, and Harlow will soon be spreading all sorts of tales around town. He’s sure to use this to his advantage, considering his current problems with Mary Sue. After all, a juicy scandal about us would take the heat off him.”

“There’s no scandal, and you know it, Noah Starr!”

At the sight of her, her cheeks flushed, her eyes flashing, her ebony hair a beguiling tumble about her shoulders, Noah paused in the task of fastening his trousers. Yes, there
is
a scandal, he silently answered her. Though nothing but a kiss occurred, I wanted a lot more than that. I’ve wanted a lot more for a long while. It’s just that this particular scandal, until today, lay hidden deep in my heart.

Noah grabbed his boots and socks, tugged them on, then found his shirt and did the same. “Well, we’re not going to solve this or anything else right now. Best you hurry up and dress. I’ll wait for you outside.” He picked up his jacket, hat, scarf, and gloves, and headed out to the front porch, where Conor awaited him. Harlow had joined the other two men who had ridden out to find them as well.

“Thanks for getting Harlow out of there as fast as you did,” Noah said. “I haven’t wanted to punch a man in the face in a long while, but the way he looked at us . . . well, it made me mad.”

“Yeah.” Conor removed his Stetson to scratch his head. “I kind of gathered that. I didn’t take too kindly to having my daughter’s state of undress on display, either.”

“There’s a good reason we were like we were, Conor. I—”

His friend held up a hand. “Save it for later. Right now, we’ve got more pressing problems. When I left Millie four hours ago, she was in a pretty bad way, Noah. Doc and Helen were with her, but it didn’t look good. We need to get you back to town as soon as we can.”

Noah’s gut clenched painfully. “Millie’s dying?”

“I’m sorry, Noah, but it looks that way. Just hope she can hang on until we get back.”

“I . . . I . . .” His mind racing, Noah glanced around. He caught sight of the extra horse tied to Conor’s big black gelding. “Could I take that spare horse of yours and head on out? I . . . I want to get back to Grand View before it’s too late.”

Conor considered him a moment, then nodded. “Sure. By the way, we found your horse and buggy, plus Beth’s mount this morning. Seems they decided to head home on their own.”

“Oh, yes,” Noah replied, distracted now, “that’s good.” He pulled out his hat and gloves and put them on. “Please, would you explain to Beth where I’ve gone, and why? I don’t want her to think I’ve deserted her, but I need—”

“Get on with you.” Conor gave him a shove. “She’ll understand. And we’ll catch up with you soon at any rate.”

“Thanks.” Noah managed a shaky smile as he backed away. “Much obliged.”

“It’s not what you think, Pa,” Beth said fifteen minutes later as she rode, perched behind her father on his horse, back toward Grand View. The going was slow, thanks to the deep, sometimes well over ten-foot-high drifts, but they retraced the search party’s original trail, which helped immeasurably.

“And exactly what was I thinking,” Conor asked, “considering Noah’s my friend and a priest of God and you’re my daughter?”

She gave a snort of disgust. “What anyone would think, seeing us half-dressed, even if we were each wrapped in a separate blanket. But you know Noah. You know he would never do anything purposely to compromise himself or a lady.”

“Yeah, I know him very well. But I also know your feelings for him—feelings I’m willing to bet, despite the years, haven’t changed all that much.”

“And you think I’d seduce him?” Beth didn’t know whether to be angry or hurt at her father’s words. “That I’d purposely try to ruin him? And, even more to the point, if you think Noah would allow himself to be seduced, then you don’t know him half as well as you think you do.”

“Well, blast it all, Beth,” Conor said, his voice going taut, “I’m sorry. I worried myself sick when I heard you and Noah were missing, so it was pretty disconcerting to find you two all wrapped up nice and cozy together.”

Guilt flooded her. She was putting the blame on her father when she
had
been kissing Noah and had been the one to initiate the kiss.

“One way or another, none of this was Noah’s fault. You have to believe that, Pa. He came out in the storm to find me, brought me to that house, and removed my clothes to warm me the quickest way he knew how, because I was unconscious and close to freezing to death.” She rested her head on her father’s back. “Saving my life meant more to him than some silly strictures or ideas of proper conduct. Perhaps it’s the result of my medical training, but I do tend to look at things a bit differently than a lot of folks.”

“I would’ve done the same thing in the same circumstances, no matter who it was.” Conor sighed. “I guess I was just imagining the look of shock and guilt in both of your eyes when I first walked in then?”

Beth tightened her grip about her father’s waist. “Just before you walked in, I’d finished telling him about some things that had happened to me back East. Noah was so kind, so gentle, so understanding, that this sudden surge of gratitude filled me. On an impulse, I kissed him—on the lips if you must know—and he kissed me back. That was all. Just a kiss. But when you surprised us . . . well, we realized what a compromising situation we seemed to be in. Hence, the shock and guilt.”

“Can’t say as how I blame Noah. He’s got to have been tempted, lonely with Alice gone now these two years past, and you being such a lovely young woman. Still, there’s going to be repercussions, what with Harlow seeing you two like that.”

“Yes.” Beth sighed. “There just might. Guess we’ll have to deal with that as it comes.” She hesitated. “Right now, though, I’m more worried about Noah and Millie. If he doesn’t make it home in time . . .”

“He’ll take it hard, and that’s a fact. We’ll have to do our best by him.”

“Yes,” she said, her thoughts already flitting far ahead to grim potentialities, “we will indeed.”

Beth found Noah kneeling beside Millie’s bed, holding her lifeless hand in his, his head bowed, his body rigid with grief. For a long moment she stood in the doorway, watching, not knowing what to do. Then, squaring her shoulders, she walked in and hurried to him.

Sinking to her knees, Beth wrapped an arm around Noah’s shoulders. He lifted his head and gazed at her. The sheer unmitigated agony she saw in his eyes tore at her heart.

With a soft, crooning sound, she pressed his head to her, cradling it on her breast. And for a long while they remained there, kneeling beside Millie, clasped in each other’s arms.

Millie’s funeral was held four days later. Noah stumbled through the service as best he could, leaving the testimonials to others. Thanks to a good thaw after the storm, a grave was finally hacked out of the half-frozen earth in Grand View’s forest cemetery.

As he stood at Millie’s burial site, reciting prayers that left him dry and empty inside, Noah thought back to the first funeral he had presided at as the new assistant pastor. It had been fourteen years ago, and he, fresh from seminary, had come to aid his ailing uncle, Millie’s husband. He had helped to bury Sally MacKay, Conor’s first wife.

How many of Grand View’s residents had he buried since then? Too many to count, it seemed. Too, too many, and the memory of them and how they had touched his life weighed especially heavy this cold February day.

Overhead, the huge ponderosa pines swayed in the wind, their branches scraping against each other to send an occasional spray of spent needles floating down onto the gathered crowd’s heads. The sun was strong, the sky was a pure winter blue, and the little cemetery, with its headstones and wooden fencing around most graves, looked peaceful and tidy.

The souls buried beneath were peaceful, too; they had gone to their well-deserved reward. It was left to those who remained behind to slog on, mired in pain and loss, struggling to find some solace.

And answers. An answer for why, in saving Beth’s life that night, he’d had to leave Millie to die without him. No time for tender farewells, for a final blessing. He felt cheated. And what had Millie thought, dying with her nephew once more out and away rather than there for her in her hour of greatest need?

But what choice had he? Noah asked himself as he turned and walked from her grave. What choice had he ever had, ever since he had given his life over to the Lord? He couldn’t have saved Millie even if he had been there. It just hurt so badly to know she had died, and he had failed her in her last hours. If anyone deserved to die with her priest at her side, it was Millie. But then, Noah amended quickly, what had Millie really needed from any man, when she’d had God with her in those final moments? Who, after all, could ever comfort her better than her beloved Lord and Savior?

He was glad that Millie had faith, even if he himself had found little comfort in his faith in a very long while. But no matter the sense of loss or desertion, he knew there was nothing else left for him if he turned forever from God. Without God, life was ultimately empty and pointless.