Chased Dreams (27 page)

“Sorry. I turned my phone off after I came
back from the funeral. I haven’t turned it on since.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, her gaze
scrutinizing me carefully.

No,
I thought.
I’ll never be okay
again.
“Come see my tattoo,” I said, instead of answering her
question. I didn’t want to lie to her.

She let out a small gasp and locked gazes
with me, her eyes watering. “It’s Jessi’s heart.”

“Yeah.” Jessi’s bleeding heart—the one I
caused to bleed to death. Wearing this tattoo was my penance—a
constant reminder of how I’d failed her. I’d never forget,
ever.

“That’s beautiful, Caleb. It would mean so
much to her.”

Clearly, Anna had a different idea of what
this represented to me. Ironically, she was one of the closest
people to me; yet, she was the one I could never tell my secret to.
No one could know what Jessi had told me—it would make taking her
life completely in vain. Her last wish was for me to not tell a
soul. I’d take that wish to my grave.

Anna waited patiently while the tattoo
artist finished. I paid and tipped him and we headed out the door
together.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the
day?” she asked, as we made our way down the sidewalk.

I shook my head. “No. The bar gave me the
week off, and Riley cancelled our gig for this weekend.”

“Yeah, he texted me.” She was quiet.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not realizing until
this moment how much I’d missed the sound of her voice and her
soothing presence. She seemed so sad, merely a shadow of the happy
girl I knew her to be.

She shrugged. “It’ll sound dumb.”

“You could never sound dumb. You know you
can tell me anything.” Wrapping an arm loosely around her
shoulders, I hugged her to me, attempting to comfort her with the
closeness I needed myself.

Bursting into tears, she looked away from
me. “I’m lonely,” she choked out. “I don’t know what to do anymore.
Jessi was my best friend and now she’s gone. You’re the next
closest thing to a best friend I have, and you’ve disappeared, too.
I feel lost, like I’m floating along in some alternate universe or
something.” She dragged the back of her hand across her eyes,
smearing what little mascara she was wearing, today.

Flicking my head, I tossed my long bangs
away from my eyes as I stared past the pier across the Sound. She
was right. I’d completely abandoned her and I felt like a complete
ass about it.

“Tell you what,” I replied, looking at her.
“Tonight, I’m all yours. We can do whatever you want.”

“I just want to be with you. Can we please
go back to your loft?” She stared at me with a hopeful
expression.

“Sure. What do you want to do there?”

“Let’s make dinner together,” she suggested.
“Maybe after, we could watch a movie or something. I don’t care. I
just wanna be out of my own head for a bit.”

“We better go to the market, then. I haven’t
shopped for groceries in a while.”

“Okay. What shall we make?” She slipped her
arm around my waist. “You can pick.”

“Let’s make Jessi’s favorite food then.”

Anna laughed. “Seriously? I thought you
didn’t care for Mac-n-Cheese.”

“I don’t, but it seems appropriate under the
circumstances.”

She nodded. “I agree. Mac-n-Cheese it
is.”

Chapter Three

Caleb-

I sat on a barstool, ripping lettuce into a
bowl for a small salad to go with our meal. Anna and I were the
only ones eating here tonight; Rick and Riley were having dinner on
Bainbridge Island with their parents and Stix had the late shift
serving at the Italian restaurant where he worked.

My eyes never left Anna for very long,
watching her as she stirred the pot of Mac-n-Cheese. She’d also
boiled the chicken breasts she’d insisted on getting. I knew she
was trying to give me something else to eat that I would like
better than the cheesy pasta. She was always so considerate.

Looking so natural cooking in my house, it
seemed as if she should live here too. She and Jessi had spent most
of their free time here, something that both pleased and annoyed
me. I knew Anna was part of the band and wanted to be included in
everything we did, but we’d had some rowdy parties on occasion. I
always suggested they go chill in my room together. It drove me
insane to see the way other guys would ogle them, like I wasn’t
sitting right there, watching. Panic and I had become close friends
once I realized it was my responsibility to keep these girls safe.
They were way too young to be hanging with that crowd, but I
couldn’t deny them the right to be there either. Jessi was escaping
her home life as much as possible, the same as me, and Anna
belonged here as part of our group. It made sense, but it was
difficult nevertheless.

Remembering back to the day Jessi convinced
me to let Anna audition for the lead singer of Fringe, I smiled
slightly. We’d started out with another guy who’d suddenly moved
away with his girlfriend, leaving us in a lurch. We performed
regularly for different events, getting paid for them too; so we
needed to find a replacement fast. Unable to fill the spot with
someone we all could agree on, we let Anna audition. I did it
mostly to humor Jessi, so she’d leave me alone. There was no way we
were going to allow some high school chick into the band—even if
she was Jessi’s best friend and a girl I’d known almost all my
life.

Then Anna opened her mouth and blew us all
away. From high soprano to low alto, her range was incredible; but
it was the emotion in her crystal clear voice that sold us all. She
made the music real in a way that stabbed our listeners right in
the heart. Anyone who heard her walked away carrying pieces of her
in their soul. It was unanimous—she was in.

Adjusting songs, as needed, to fit her
range, we began playing again, and drawing even bigger crowds. This
year, we’d landed a permanent gig at Subculture, a local bar that
fit with our techno grungy emotional sound. There was only one
problem—Anna was only eighteen.

Stix managed to get a fake ID made and we
gave it to Billy, the owner of the club. I knew he didn’t believe
for a minute that Anna was twenty-one, but the ID was good enough
to cover his butt legally; so he looked the other way. He wanted
her in there too—she was packing the house every night we played.
Of course, this meant I had to work even harder to keep guys away
from her, but it was worth it. She was amazing.

Staring at her now, I realized she’d become
such a huge part of my life. I couldn’t imagine her not being
around.

“What are your plans after you graduate?” I
asked, suddenly fearing that we might lose her—that
I
might
lose her.

She glanced over her shoulder at me, before
turning back to stir the pot. “I thought I might register for a few
classes at UW. I want to stay close by so I can still sing with
you.”

Relief flooded through me. “That sounds
awesome. What are you going to major in?”

She chuckled. “Music. You should know
that.”

I shrugged. “I figured as much; but I didn’t
know if you harbored some secret passion I didn’t know about.”

“If you don’t know it, then it’s not worth
knowing,” she replied; which, for some reason, made me feel
strangely pleased. “I tell you pretty much everything. How are
things going with Jen?” she asked, changing the subject.

“We broke up,” I responded flatly,
remembering the insane argument we’d had the night before Jessi
died.

Anna moved the pot to one of the burners
that was off and turned to stare at me. “Really? Why?”

“You’d laugh if I told you.”

“No, I won’t. I promise.” She continued to
stare, waiting.

“Jen was convinced you and I have a secret
fling going on.”

Anna snorted and burst out laughing.
“Seriously?”

“I told you it would make you laugh.” A
slight pang shot through my heart that she found being with me so
unbelievable. “Yes, seriously. She thought I was cheating on her
with you.”

“Did you tell her it wasn’t true?” she
asked.

“Of course I did! She wouldn’t listen
though. She insisted I pay too much attention to you and said I
follow you around like a puppy. I told her I simply tried to make
sure you and Jessi were safe and that no one was bothering
you.”

“What did she say?”

“She gave me an ultimatum—said it was her or
you.” I took a deep breath, glancing down at the salad bowl in
front of me as I sliced a tomato. “I chose you,” I added, in what I
hoped was a nonchalant tone. Unable to look at her, I kept
chopping. This was the closest I’d ever come to admitting my
changing feelings for Anna out loud. I couldn’t admit them now. Not
ever. Dammit! I’d screwed things up so badly! Anger fused through
me.

“Hey. Take it easy on that poor tomato,”
Anna chided. “It’s supposed to be chopped, not pulverized.”

Dropping the knife, I wiped my hands on a
dishtowel, still unable to look her in the eye. The next thing I
knew her arms were wrapped around my shoulders from behind and she
leaned her head against mine. I sucked in a breath, trying to
steady myself.

Her sweet voice in my ear made my senses
hum. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such a difficult time
alone. I would’ve come sooner if I had known everything that was
going on.”

Unable to help myself, I turned on my stool
to face her, gathering her into my arms. “You’ve been having a
rough time too. Besides, you’re here now,” I whispered softly
against her dark hair when she laid her head on my shoulders.
“That’s all that matters.” I wanted to kiss her—wanted to tell her
I was falling in love with her. Night after night of rehearsing,
being with her on stage, listening to her sing, watching her
perfect sultry body sway, I’d become mesmerized, just like everyone
else. I knew the other guys in the band cared for her too. I wanted
to tell them to back off, that she was mine; but I couldn’t. She
wasn’t mine and never could be.

Jen was right. There was something going on
between us, but it was all in my head, a fantasy I wanted more than
anything, but would never be able to have. Anna would never be able
to forgive me for my role in Jessi’s death. If she knew the truth,
I’d lose her completely from my life—something I’d never be able to
bear—so I’d suffer alone in silence and take what I could have—her
friendship. My feelings for Anna had already destroyed Jessi’s
life; if the truth came out, it would only destroy more. I couldn’t
risk that.

Anna let me hold her for several long
moments and I relished every second until she pulled away, leaving
me feeling incomplete and empty.

“Let’s get you some food,” she said, going
to the cupboard. “You look like you’ve lost weight. Have you been
eating?”

“Not really,” I admitted honestly, my
stomach growling as if to support my claim. “My mind has been a
little preoccupied.”

She sighed. “Which is code for you’ve been
plastered out of your mind, isn’t it?”

It amazed me how well she knew me. I didn’t
answer; instead I watched her dishing up our plates of food.

“You know I hate it when you drink like
that. It scares me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I really was. Upsetting
her was something I never wanted to do. Her feelings were important
to me.

Sliding the plates and silverware across the
counter to where I was seated, she came around and joined me. “Is
that your lyric book?” she asked, nodding to where it poked from my
bag, still on the floor by the pool table, where I’d dumped it days
ago.

“Yup,” I replied, taking a bite of chicken
as I attempted to mask the nervous wave that rushed through me.
Jessi’s suicide note lay crumpled inside it. It was the last thing
she’d written—I couldn’t make myself destroy it—not yet.

“Wanna go over the words of that last song
you’ve been working on?”

“Sure,” I said, jumping to retrieve the book
before she went for it. Crouching in front of the bag, so it was
hidden from her view, I carefully slipped the note out and tucked
it down the side before returning to the bar. “Here you go.” I set
the notebook beside her plate and she opened it to the last page
that had writing on it.

“I really love the lyrics to this song,
Caleb.”

Leaning over, I glanced at them, wondering
if she had any idea how many of these songs came from inside my own
soul. Did she have an inkling that these words were about her? If
she did, she certainly didn’t show it.

Anna quietly began sing the words to the
first verse.

“
Every day I wake up and look around
me,

Wishing your face could be the first I
see.

But that isn’t you, lying in my bed,

I look away, and my heart fills with
dread.”

I closed my eyes, letting the sound of her
voice fill my head. Even with an impromptu practice, I could still
hear the emotion she projected. My emotion. She continued to the
chorus.

Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

Baby, I need you, before my heart
breaks,

Isn’t there something between you and
me?

Something beautiful . . . we could be . .
.

I wish she knew that it was me asking the
question to her. Would she be appalled? Dare I hope she’d be
excited? I’d watched her for a while now, silently hoping she’d
make some sort of advance toward me, taking the guesswork out of
how she might feel about me. Maybe that was my answer. She’d never
done or said anything romantic to me—always keeping things light
and airy between us. She continued to the second verse.

I hear your laughter; I see your tears,

I want to hold you and keep you near.

My secrets are hidden, so deep inside

You’re the only one, who keeps me alive.