Chased Dreams (26 page)

“Anna? Are you all right?” Caleb’s rich
baritone voice floated over me, soothing me instantly.

“No.” I spoke without turning, my voice
barely a whisper. “I can’t be in there. It makes me feel sick.”

“Me, too,” he answered softly, coming to
stand beside me. The two of us stared across the water together for
several moments.

“Did she talk to you?” I finally asked, not
caring if my timing was callous. I had to know.

“No.” He didn’t offer anything else.

“This is tearing me up inside. How did I
miss something so horrible that it made her kill herself? Was she
afraid to talk to me? What could’ve been so awful that taking her
life seemed like the only possible way out?” A sob escaped me.

“Stop it, Anna. You’re going to tear
yourself apart if you keep on like this.” His lean muscled arms
wrapped around my waist, turning me and dragging me into his
embrace.

Pounding a fist lightly against his hard
chest, I buried my face against his black button up shirt, wrapping
my arms tighter around him as the flood gates opened, once again.
“I can’t do this, Caleb. I need to know what happened. I need
someone to tell me why!”

He didn’t reply; instead, he simply held me
in his arms. For whatever reason, those arms suddenly seemed like
the safest place in the world to me. Caleb was steady. He’d always
been that way, knowing exactly what he wanted from life and where
he was going with it. He was one of the most levelheaded people I
knew and, in spite of our age difference, he was probably my
closest friend next to Jessi. I trusted him more than anyone.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice muffled
against his clothing. “You’re hurting, too. Don’t worry about me.
I’ll figure my crap out. Your family needs you right now and I’m
keeping you from them.”

“You’re my family too, Anna. You always have
been. Besides, my mom insisted I come make sure you were okay.”

Grimacing, I pulled away. “So, you were sent
to babysit me?”

He laughed heartily. “Not at all. I wanted
to come. You’re important to me.” His expression grew serious.
“Besides, no one thinks of you as a baby anymore, Anna. Especially
not me.” Moving, he stroked a thumb briefly across my cheek.

“Help me find out what happened to Jessi.
Please?” I pleaded, placing my hand on his, stilling it against my
face. “I need to know so I can put her to rest in my heart.”

Staring at me, his eyes misted briefly.
“I’ll help you, but you need to be careful.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He shrugged. “It’s obvious she had secrets.
Secrets can often be very hurtful.”

I nodded. “I understand; but at least, then,
I’ll know.”

“Knowing isn’t always better. Sometimes it’s
just knowing. The answers you’re looking for aren’t going to change
anything. She’ll still be gone after you find them.”

Releasing his hand I stepped closer, placing
my palms against his face. “I have this horrible fear I did
something wrong—that this was somehow my fault—that I missed
whatever it was that would’ve stopped her.”

Caleb grabbed my upper arms and shook me.
“Don’t ever talk like that again! Do you hear me? None of this was
your fault. I don’t care if you did miss something. Jessi was a big
girl, capable of making her own choices. She chose to kill
herself,” his voice trembled as he continued, “and even if we did
miss something, it was still her choice. All the blame for that
rests on her. Do you understand? She could’ve come to anyone of us
for help . . . me, you, my mom—your parents, even. Instead, she
ended it.
Her
fault, not yours. Stop trying to take the
blame.”

“Anna? Caleb?” My mom’s voice called,
interrupting us before I could reply. “Is everything okay?”

Turning, I saw her coming down the path
toward us.

“We’re fine, Mom. I just had a bit of a
panic attack in the church and needed to get some fresh air.”

Her eyes drifted to where Caleb still
roughly held me in his grasp. Releasing me and stepping away, the
red marks where his fingers had been fading away quickly. “Sorry,”
he apologized immediately. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Shaking my head, I replied, “You didn’t hurt
me. Thanks for listening to me, though.”

“And you’ll remember what I said?” he asked,
raising an eyebrow skeptically.

“I’ll try.”

He sighed in exasperation.

“I’ll try harder.” I groaned, rolling my
eyes. “Sorry, but that’s the best I can give you right now.”

“You’d better get inside, Caleb,” my mom
spoke up. “They’re singing the closing hymn. I’m sure your mom will
need you. I doubt Hank will stick around any longer than
necessary.”

“I’m sure you’re right about that. Talk to
you lovely ladies later.” He winked at me before hurrying back
inside.

Mom and I watched him go.

“It’s amazing to me how that kid came from
Hank, unless Hank gave him every single good characteristic he had
and didn’t keep any for himself. Caleb is so kind and considerate
of everyone and Hank is . . . well, Hank. I’ve never seen two
people more unalike.”

“Caleb has a heart of gold.” I agreed,
slipping an arm around her waist as we began strolling back toward
the church together.

She hugged me around my shoulders. “Kind of
like you, huh?”

I gave a short snort in reply. “Hardly.”

“Are you going to be all right, sweetie?
Your dad and I have been really worried about you for the last few
days.” Concern was written all over her face, her furrowed brow
mixing with the sorrow in her eyes.

“I don’t know how to go on without Jessi,” I
admitted, sharing the ache inside me.

She squeezed me lightly. “You don’t have to.
Keep her alive in your heart and, for now, focus on living one day
at a time. That’s all any of us can do.”

Chapter Two

Caleb-

Listening to the arguing downstairs made me
want to throw my clothes into my bag and head back across the
harbor to the loft I shared with the guys downtown. Guilt kept me
from actually doing it. There was no way I could abandon Danica
right now and leave her alone with my dad.

Fighting was one of the primary reasons I’d
hightailed it out of this place as soon as I was able. I couldn’t
take the constant bickering. Living with my old man was pure hell,
plain and simple. Bitter and angry had been his key attitudes since
my mom left us, when I was little. How he even managed to find
someone to marry him again, I would never know. Maybe Danica had
been hoping to find someone to be a father to Jessi, but if that
were the case then she’d struck out big time. My dad wasn’t even a
good father to me, his own flesh and blood, let alone Jessi.

Images from the night he beat up Danica
flashed through my mind. I could still hear her protests ringing in
my ears as I dialed 911. She didn’t want to make my dad even
angrier. I didn’t care. He needed to pay for what he’d done. He
served a year in prison, but she didn’t leave him. She stayed and
was a good mom to Jessi and me. That year was one of the happiest I
remembered. Dad was released and never hit her again, that I knew
of, but he was still violent. Yelling and throwing things across
the room if things didn’t go just the way he wanted them to, became
the norm. I wondered if she would stay with him, now.

Even though I came back often, to make sure
she and Jessi were doing okay, it was never a place I wanted to be.
Glancing around at the shelves holding memorabilia from my high
school days, I realized that other than taking my guitar and music,
I’d left most of my previous life here in my room—abandoned. Now
that Jessi was gone, I didn’t think I wanted to ever be in this
house again. There wasn’t anywhere I could look and not see her
presence.

Reaching for the notebook I wrote my lyric
ideas in, I flipped to where I’d been working on my latest song,
and froze. My hands trembled when I saw the folded piece of paper
with my name on it stuck between the pages. I recognized the
handwriting immediately. Opening it carefully, the first few words
gave me pause.

“Caleb, please forgive me for what I’m about
to do . . .”

It was a suicide note. Jessi had left one,
right where I’d find it. She knew me so well.

Devouring the words on the paper, I thought
my heart would explode as I read them; she was so upset,
conflicted, and lost—trapped and confused with no way out. Tears
fell down my cheeks, some dropping onto the handwritten letter,
slightly blurring the words. It didn’t matter though, the damage
had already been done, her message delivered.

Whatever possible reasons I’d invented in my
mind for her death were all wrong—every last one. It was all my
fault. Her suicide was on my hands, the same as if I’d pulled the
trigger and shot her. Crushing agony flowed through me—every word
ripping me to shreds. Crumbling the paper into a ball, I held it
tightly as I dropped to my knees and wept.

“Jessi, forgive me, please.” I gasped, the
ache inside tearing through my soul. “I didn’t know! I didn’t
know!”

***

“Dude. I think you’ve had enough.” Riley
grabbed the bottle of Jack from me, emptying the small remainder
down the sink. I was too drunk to even protest. Scrubbing my face
with my hands, I let out a deep sigh and leaned over the island
bar. “I’m surprised you can even stay on that stool with the way
you’ve been drinking the last three days.” He wrinkled his nose in
distaste as he stared at me. “And when was the last time you took a
shower?”

Glancing down at my wife beater tank and
baggy athletic shorts, I couldn’t even remember when I put them on.
“I dunno,” I slurred.

“Come on. Let’s get you in the shower.
That’ll help you feel better.” Riley came around the counter and
grabbed my arm.

“Nah, I don’t wanna,” I replied, shoving him
away. “Just l-l-leave me alone.”

“Stix, give me a hand, would ya?” Riley
said, looking past me to where Stix was sprawled on the faux
leather sofa watching television.

“If he wants to get drunk off his ass, then
let him. It’s fine by me,” Stix said nonchalantly.

“He’s been drunk off his ass for days now,
and if he keeps this up, he’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning
before long. You might want to consider what that’ll mean for you
when we no longer have a lead guitarist, not to mention the guy who
writes our songs.” Riley growled as he pulled me up, staggering
when I leaned heavily on him. “I’ve already had to cancel our gig
for this weekend. It won’t look good if we have to do it
again.”

“You don’t need to c-c-cancel the gig,” I
sputtered. “I’ll be okay.”

“Really?” Riley asked, not amused. “Sing
something for me.”

My mind was like sludge. I couldn’t think of
one song.

“Exactly what I thought. Stix!” Riley
shouted and I winced.

Stix came to my other side, supporting me as
we made our way toward the bathroom. “I wasn’t saying I didn’t care
about him, Riley. All I meant was everyone grieves differently. If
Caleb needs to be drunk to do his grieving, then we should let him
do it.”

“I’m f-f-fine,” I protested. “N-n-not
drunk.”

They both snorted.

“There’ll be hell to pay if Anna shows up
and sees you like this. You know she doesn’t like it when you get
wasted,” Stix said.

Anna. Just hearing her name was sobering. I
hadn’t seen her since the funeral—hadn’t even bothered to check on
her. I’d been so lost in my own world of agony, I forgot she was
suffering too. I’d failed Jessi; and now I was failing Anna. I
sucked. Everything about me sucked. I made the world suck.

Riley and Stix shoved me fully clothed under
a stream of hot water, sitting me down on the built in tile
bench.

“Here. Wash.” Riley ordered, shoving a bar
of soap into my hand. “Don’t come out until you’re clean or sober .
. . or both.”

Barely registering the sound of the door
closing behind them, I leaned my head against the wall and let a
choked sob escape me.

Jessi
. Even the sound of her name in
my head hurt me. Her image swam before my eyes—long, white blonde
hair, dyed black underneath, innocent bright blue eyes surrounded
by way too much black eyeliner, perfect figure honed from years as
a cheerleader. Too many guys stared at her, followed her with
longing expressions. I knew what they wanted; and I wanted to smash
in their faces. It wouldn’t be a problem anymore, though. Because
of me, she’d killed herself. “Jessi,” I whispered, the water
running down my face. “As long as I live, I’ll never forgive
myself.”

***

The needle of the tattoo artist buzzed
loudly, biting into the flesh of my inner forearm. I welcomed the
pain, watching bits of blood welling to the surface. It mixed with
the ink as the black and red bleeding heart, surrounded by a faded
rose, began to take shape.

“Where’d you find this design?” Tattoo
Terry, as he called himself, asked.

“It’s something my sister drew once,” I
replied. “She liked it, so she put it in a frame in her
bedroom.”

“Well, she’s a great artist. How old is
she?”

I knew he was trying to make friendly
conversation, but I wasn’t ready for small talk about Jessi. The
wounds were still too fresh. “Seventeen. She died last week.”

“Oh, hey, man. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to
pry. So, you’re getting this in her memory then, I’m guessing?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like her name or any dates
tattooed into the heart?” he asked.

“No. It’s perfect just like it is. I’ll know
what it means.”

The bell on the door rang and I glanced up
to see Anna enter the shop.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked in
surprise. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“We had early release today. I came to find
where you’ve disappeared to. You’ve been gone for days and you
haven’t replied to any of my texts. Rick told me you were here
getting a tattoo. What’s the deal?” She looked upset, not that I
blamed her.