BWWM Interracial Romance 8: Mutual Attraction (3 page)

Barbara’s
mother was already asleep when Barbara slipped into apartment and pushed the door closed as quietly as she could. She tiptoed into the kitchen and saw that her mother had left a note indicating there were leftovers in the fridge should she want them, and even though Barbara had eaten at the office, she pulled the plastic container out of the fridge and grabbed a fork from a drawer before taking the food into her room.

Stabbing a forkful of cold pasta, Barbara let out a long exhalation and sank down onto her bed. Her room was small and cramped, with clothes strewn everywhere. As she chewed her food, she looked at her favorite pair of jeans, now far too tight in the waist to fit her. She missed how her ass looked in those jeans, and even more than that, she missed having time to care about how her ass even looked.

Several bites later, the plastic container was empty, and Barbara felt the familiar bloating of having eaten too much so late at night. Her stomach was already swollen and large from the little girl growing inside of her, and although she always felt hungry, it was as if her belly didn’t have room for the baby and the stomach she’d just shoveled all that pasta into.

Barbara laid back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. Idly rubbing her hand over her belly, she wished Neil was there to rub her feet or to even just be there for her to lean against. Her bosses hadn’t been happy when they’d learned that they’d promoted her only to be losing her to a maternity leave in a few short months, but they’d grudgingly accepted that she deserved the new position, and that she’d be back to oversee her new team in relatively short order.

And wasn’t that what she’d wanted? Wasn’t that what she’d fought and worked so hard for? Career had always been the most important thing in Barbara’s life, but lying there, feeling the soft kicking of the infant inside of her, Barbara worried about her baby and how it would grow up. As hard as her own childhood had been, Barbara’s mother had always come home from her jobs to be an attentive and caring mother. She’d made lunches and picked Barbara up from school, always finding ways to arrange her shifts around her daughter’s schedule.

Barbara wondered if she’d ever be able to balance her new position with the care and attention her own daughter would deserve. AJ Kline had only signed off on the minimum twelve week absence, and then they expected her back in the office. Her little girl hadn’t even been born yet, and Barbara just didn’t know how she’d ever be able to leave her little one with anyone so she could go back to work. Her mother had already made it clear that she’d look after the child when Barbara couldn’t, but those comments had always come with an air of judgment and bitterness that Barbara was messing up her life.

That was probably the worst of it, thought Barbara as she rolled over and flipped off the bedside light, not even bothering to undress. Her mother had told her numerous times that having this baby would ruin her chances at having a real career, and had in the same breath criticized her ability to be a decent parent if she was going to be working so much once the baby was born.

Determined not to fall asleep crying as she had so many nights already, Barbara turned her thoughts to her baby and how wonderful it would be to finally meet her. She imagined holding the tiny human being in her arms, and looking into the eyes of her beautiful daughter for the first time.

The tears welled up and trickled down her face onto the pillow anyway. It was impossible to think about the baby without seeing Neil always at the edge of the frame, standing there watching his little girl and waiting for his turn to hold her. It didn’t seem fair that she had to do all of this on her own, and she cursed Neil with the same breath that wished he hadn’t been such a selfish fool. She couldn’t bring herself to hate the man for being afraid, and she still couldn’t believe that he didn’t want to be with her, but he’d made no attempt to reach out to her over the last few weeks.

Barbara rolled over and curled into as much of a ball as her belly would allow. She took slow calming breaths and tried to clear her mind, promising herself that she’d figure it all out and that she’d be the best mother she could possibly be without having to compromise her position at work.

She’d just have to put in her time now, and then she’d make it clear that she wouldn’t be working these long hours once she had the baby. They could threaten to fire her, or they could try to take her job away, but Barbara had already decided not to let them take advantage of her. If they tried to fire her because she wasn’t willing to put in the countless hours of overtime, then they’d have a hell of a fight on their hands. After all, how terrible would they look if they tried to fire their only black employee with a baby girl at home?

Barbara sighed and tried to push those terrible thoughts from her mind. She hoped it wouldn’t come to anything so ridiculous, but nothing seemed certain as of late, and it was all she could do to wake up every morning to jump right back on the roller coaster.

Neil
stood in front of the floor to ceiling windows in his condo, staring out over the lights of the city. He wondered idly what everyone else out there was doing that night, whether they were happy or sad, alone or with someone they loved, and whether or not they woke up each morning feeling like their lives were on the correct course.

Those things had always seemed so easy for Neil. He’d woken up happy and confident in his life’s choices, and he never lacked for the comfort of a good looking woman or a few friends to go out and drink with. Being a doctor was something he’d had in mind since being a young boy, and he’d never wavered in his single-minded focus on being the best of the best. It was why he’d risen through the ranks at Saint Joseph’s so quickly, and it was why he was being offered such an important position in New York.

But now, feeling an emptiness he couldn’t quite figure out how to fill, he wondered if perhaps he’d overlooked a few things along the way. It was hard to admit to himself that every one of his personal and career decisions had been self-serving and vain, but now that he really thought about his situation and who he had around him that truly loved him, he felt alone for the first time in his life. It didn’t matter that he drove a BMW or that his condo was worth more than million dollars; what mattered was that he had no one to share it with.

Neil leaned his forehead against the glass. It was cool and unyielding, a thin layer of protection from the open air of a thirty story drop to the ground. He closed his eyes and tried to remind himself of why he was lucky to have the things he had, but it was no use. His thoughts returned always to Barbara and of the time she’d been in his life.

He’d taken her for granted, of course. Just as he’d assumed that he deserved whatever he’d ever achieved in life, he’d assumed that Barbara would be there when he wanted her to without ever asking anything in return. It had been just as much his fault that she’d wound up pregnant after their night of careless lovemaking, and what had he done? How had he shown himself to be a man about the whole thing?

He’d run.

It hadn’t been so obvious as packing up and leaving, but he’d avoided every opportunity to tell Barbara how much he cared for her and how much he wanted to be a good enough man to be the father their child deserved. Instead of doubling down and committing to helping her raise their baby, he’d retreated within himself and pushed Barbara away, letting her think him a callous asshole.

Maybe he was a callous asshole, thought Neil as he straightened up and walked to the kitchen. Maybe there just wasn’t any more to him than that. Maybe he wasn’t worth the love of a woman like Barbara, and maybe their child was better off without him.

Neil picked up the bottle of vodka that was already half empty despite only having been bought the day before, and he poured himself a large glass. He swirled it around and watched the clear liquid ripple around the glass, thick and intoxicating alcohol vapors rising up to him and beckoning him to drink deeply.

“Fuck!” roared Neil, turning and hurling the glass against the kitchen wall.

The cup shattered and exploded everywhere, tiny fragments of vodka soaked glass bouncing off the counter and floor, creating a minefield of pain for him to avoid walking over.

Neil picked up the bottle and stared at it for a moment before upending it over the sink and watching the fluid splash over the stainless steel before trickling down the drain.

He saw his life in that sink. So many moments wasted and let go instead of held onto and savored. He’d been an idiot to let Barbara walk out, and he’d been even more of a fool to have been the one to push her away in the first place. She’d been the only true thing in his life besides the moments he practiced medicine to help people instead of trying to further his own career, and now he was doing so much administrative work that he barely even had that anymore.

Neil dropped the bottle into the sink and walked away, ignoring the shards of glass on the floor. He went to the couch and picked his phone up off the coffee table, pulling up his text message history with Barbara.

No,
he thought to himself,
it’s too late for that now. You’ve fucked this up as much as humanly possible, and there’s no point in making it worse. Just leave the poor woman alone.

Neil set the phone back down and lay back on the couch. He felt numb inside, and a big part of him was furious that he’d wasted the last bottle of liquor in the house. What he wanted was to drink himself into a stupor that would keep the pain at bay, but hadn’t he done enough of that?

Neil knew it was time to make some changes in his life. It might be too late to fix things with Barbara, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t someday make her trust him enough to let him be a part of his child’s life. If he couldn’t do it for himself, then he had to do it for the baby and the person it would someday become.

Barbara
paused on the landing, her back and arms aching from carrying the heavy grocery bags for nine blocks. It was a task she usually carried out without much notice, but today she felt every muscle scream in protest while walking home and struggling up the five flights of stairs to get to her floor. She didn’t know if it was the extra weight she’d put on during pregnancy, or if it was the lack of energy sparking her constant hunger, but she was exhausted from carrying out normal activities, and she worried it was only going to get worse.

Pulling the door open, Barbara stepped through and went to the front door of the apartment. She wrestled her keys from her purse while balancing the overfull grocery bag against her knee, and sighed with relief when she opened the door and saw her mother come towards her to take the bags out of her hands.

“You should have let me come with you,” said her mother. “You look worn out. Why don’t you sit down and let me fix you a cup of tea.”

“That’d be great, mom,” said Barbara.

She slipped out of her shoes and went to the couch, flopping down and propping her feet up on the coffee table. Despite sleeping nearly nine hours the night before, she felt worn out. It wasn’t even noon yet, and already she wanted to go back to sleep for a few hours.

“Here you go,” said her mom, setting the steaming mug of herbal tea down on the table.

“Thanks, momma,” said Barbara.

“It’s only going to get harder you know,” said her mother. “Once the baby is born, you’ll be even more tired, and you’ll have even less time to do anything. You know I love you, but I’m not going to be a full time mother to your child, and you better not expect anything of the sort.”

“What on earth are you talking about?” asked Barbara. “Why would I expect you to raise my child? Do you have that low an opinion of me?”

“I just think if you’re going to have this baby — and I’m not saying you should change your mind about that so don’t go giving me that look — you might want to find a man to take care of you.” Lydia leaned back in her chair. “That’s all, baby.”

“I don’t need a man to take care of me,” said Barbara. “Would I be happy to have a man in my life who supported me and loved me and the baby? Of course. But what I don’t need is to convince some guy to marry my pregnant ass just so I can have another paycheck coming into the house.”

“That’s not what I meant,” said Lydia. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“What did you mean then?” asked Barbara. “Please explain it to me. You’ve been all up in my business ever since you found out I was pregnant, and none of the decisions I make are ever the right ones, so please do inform me from your font of infinite wisdom.”

“I just think you could do better than that silly doctor who got you into this mess,” said Lydia. “There are plenty of men who’d love to be with a woman like you, and you don’t want to wait forever to get out there to find one.”

“So what, I should hit the bar tonight to see if anyone wants to take me home?” spat Barbara. “Or is it alright if I start bringing guys back here? No one’s going to want me if I don’t put out a little, especially since I’m already pregnant.”

“Don’t be absurd,” said Lydia. “Why can’t you be serious about this? Aren’t there any nice men at your work that you could maybe go on a nice normal date with?”

Barbara let out a harsh little laugh. “Yeah, I won’t be dating anyone from the office any time soon. The guys there either hate me for having been promoted above them, or they’re other managers and team leaders who want nothing to do with the one woman going against the grain in their little boy’s club.”

“Well, I don’t want to see you throw your life away because you’re too proud to accept that you need a man in your life,” said her mother.

Barbara kicked her feet off the coffee table and stood up. “You have no right to talk to me like that, and you have no goddam right to judge me for the choices I’ve made. I went to school like you wanted me to, I followed my fucking dreams and became an architect, and now because I made one little mistake that led to the innocent little girl I’m about to have, I’m too proud because I won’t grab the nearest guy and try to convince him to marry me? You’re insane, mom. You’re fucking insane.”

Barbara stormed off to her room and slammed the door behind her. She wished desperately that she had anywhere else to go, but she was so tired and didn’t have a single friend to call on. If she left the apartment now, all she’d end up doing was wandering around a shopping mall or sitting in a movie theater trying to kill time before finally having to come home again.

Her mother just made her so angry sometimes. The woman had made so many terrible choices in her life, and she was the last person to be commenting on the fact that Barbara had a stable and important job that paid their bills. Lydia had gone through two husbands and several deadbeat boyfriends before finally realizing that those relationships were only making their home an unpleasant place full of drinking and fighting, and somehow she thought bringing a man into the picture would make everything okay?

There was a soft knock on the door.

“I’m sorry, baby,” said her mother from the other side. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Can I come in?”

Barbara said nothing, simply sitting on the bed with hands clasped tightly in her lap, silently willing her mother to go away.

The door opened a crack and Lydia looked in. After a brief moment of hesitation, she pushed the door all the way open and came in to sit on the bed next to her daughter.

“I think I owe you a real apology,” said Lydia. “It’s not right for me to be so critical of how you’re living your life. You’re as fine a daughter as any mother could wish to have, and I’m sorry I don’t give you the credit you deserve. I just look back on my own life, and sometimes I think you’re the only good thing I ever did with my time on this earth. I don’t want you to be old and looking back thinking the same thing one day.”

“Mom, things are different now,” said Barbara. “Even if they’re not that different, I’m a different person than you were. I have different options, and I have those options because you did what you had to in order to raise me. You worked three different jobs when I was in high school, and I never for one minute thought you didn’t love me or care for me. I knew you were doing what you had to, and I’m still thankful for that.”

“Having a baby in your life is going to change things,” said Lydia. “I know you don’t want to think about it that way, but it will.”

“I know,” said Barbara with a sigh. “It already has changed things.”

“What happened with you and Neil?” asked Lydia. “You never told me why you stopped seeing him in the end.”

“It’s complicated,” said Barbara reflexively.

“Is it?” asked Lydia.

Barbara squeezed her temples and grimaced against a rapidly building headache. She felt hollow and dry, like she could drink an ocean of water and sleep for days.

“No, I guess it’s not,” she said. “He just didn’t care enough about me and the baby. He never once told me he loved me, and he always told me he needed more time to adjust to the idea when I pressed him on whether or not he’d be there for us.”

“Oh,” said Lydia. “I’m sorry I said so many bad things about him. It’s hard for me to think that someone like him could be trusted.”

“Someone white?” asked Barbara. She laughed bitterly. “Do you have any idea how racist you sound when you say things like that?”

“You haven’t lived through what I had to endure as a girl your age,” said Barbara. “Some hurts run deep, and I’m sorry if it’s wrong of me to think that way, but that man is too old to not be married or at least to be able to commit to you.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” said Barbara. “He’s out of the picture, and he clearly doesn’t care enough to want back in. I’ve got to move on and figure out how to do this on my own.”

Lydia placed her hand over her daughter’s balled fist.

“You’re not alone,” she said. “I’m always here for you, baby. I’ll help you look after the little one as much as you need, and I’ll do everything I can to help you both have the lives you deserve.”

Barbara sniffled as tears began to flow from her eyes. She reached for the box of tissues, thankful that there were still a couple left after all the crying she seemed to be doing lately.

“That means a lot to me, mom,” she said. “I know it’s going to be hard, but I want my daughter to have the same opportunities you gave me. I don’t want to have to give up this job just because I have a child.”

“I know,” said Lydia. “We’ll get through this, I promise. Everything will get better, whether you have a man in your life or not. I know you’ll meet the right person some day.”

“I hope you’re right about that,” said Barbara, her hands shifting to her belly. “It’s not going to be easy trying to date again someday. Not a lot of guys want to hang out with a woman who has a kid already.”

“Not the kind of guys you want to be with anyway,” said her mother.

Barbara blew her nose and leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re here, mom,” she said. “I’m sorry I swore so much earlier.”

Lydia laughed. “It’s okay, sweetie. Your momma has been known to cuss a fair bit here and there. I’m just sorry I drove you to such anger.”

“You really think we’re going to be alright?” asked Barbara.

“I don’t have to think it,” said her mother. “I know it’s going to be just fine, even if it is just the two of us.

Barbara hugged her mom and held her tight, not saying anything more. She was tired of talking, and even more tired of fighting. What she needed was to forget about her problems, if only a few moments, and there in her mother’s embrace she found the comfort she needed.