Burdened (A Burdened Novel) (29 page)

“How can you just accept me like that?” he asks
, helping me into the truck.

I wait for him to get in
before I answer. “What else am I supposed to do? I want you, and I love you. No matter how you’re wrapped up, I’ll still take what’s inside.”

He nods and says
, “Thank you,” as he starts the car.

“For what?”

“For choosing me.”

“Anytime.” I smile
, leaning my head against the headrest. The food hit just the right spot for putting me to sleep.

“Don’t go to sleep yet. Wait until you get in the house. You’re not going to like the way you feel when you wake up.”

“Is this going to be bad?”

“Yes
.” He follows quickly, “But only because you won’t be with me while it’s happening.”

“So what am I supposed to do
, if not cry out for you?” I’m now dreading being alone and this pain he promises.

“Just try to relax
, Tracey. I won’t be gone long. If you stay asleep, you’ll barely feel it.”

I remain quiet for the rest of the ride
, trying to keep my eyes open. The sway of the truck and the comfort from Nathan rubbing my hand is making it hard.

“So you
’re not going to come in?” I ask him, walking around to him standing by his truck.

“Do you need me to?”
Need
? Yes. But I know he has to go. “Go in the house, Tracey. Get some sleep. I’ll come by and wake up next to you in the morning.”

“Okay.”
I sound discouraged. I am reluctant.

He grabs my chin
. “Don’t say it like I’m hurting you, babe.” He kisses my pouted mouth. “I’ll make up for it later, okay?”

A little excitement rolls in me. I try not to let it show. “I’m holding you to it.”

He kisses me again, long and intimate, making my heart float. I grab onto him as I indulge in his kiss, hoping it will tide me over until he comes back. He pulls back, placing a short and sweet kiss on my bottom lip. He lets out a breath against my face, confirming he too is reluctant to leave.

“Okay
, baby. I’ll be back. Don’t wait up for me.”

“Okay
, Nathan. Be safe and come back.” He stares at me. “What?” He isn’t saying anything.

He
snaps out of whatever trance he was in. “Nothing. Just that, what you said, ‘Be Safe’—no one says that to me. It just affected me in a different way, coming from you. Go in the house.”

I open and walk through my front door
, turning around to look out of it. “See you in a minute, Nathan,” I say quietly, knowing he can hear me.

You got it
, he responds smoothly.

I grab a bottled water from the fridge. My mom is supposed to be home
, so I walk to her room. Her door is closed, confirming she is here. I knock.

“Tracey?”

“Yes, Mom. I’m home. How long have you been back?”

The door opens.
“Just a couple of hours.” She hugs me and I hug her back. “I missed you. I saw your dad. He’ll be home before your break is over.”

My dad has been gone for two weeks this time. I cannot wait to see him. “That’s good
, Mom.” We walk into her room. “What are you doing?”

“Just trying to finish this presentation for work. What were you up to over the weekend? How was the party?”

“Like any other party. My weekend was good.” My weekend was great! “How was your stay with Dad?”

“Refreshing
. You know how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other, and I missed him so much.” She is looking down at her computer. That’s it for me. I’m done talking. I can’t take this part of the conversation.

“Okay
, Mom. Well, I’m going to my room. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Okay
, honey. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Kay
, Mom. Glad you’re back.” I close her door behind me.

I clean my room and when I finish
, I watch ‘Transformers.’ I think it was the second one. I play games on my phone, pay super close attention to the movie—everything in my power to not think about Nathan. My eyes grow heavy as Optimus Prime gets killed.

There is a craving, a yearning in my chest that pulls me from my sleep. It feels like a pull from my heart. I can’t feel anything but him. I can only hear his voice. My head swims with only images of him. I can’t ignore it. I
need
him. The ache returns in my chest, demanding him. It’s calling for him. I clutch at it, turning onto my side.

Trying to calm myself, I
breathe through the pain. His scent fills my nose with every breath as his taste floods my mouth. This is
not
better than it was before. This is worse, because I understand what I’m experiencing and I have something to compare it to. Every sense I have is full of Nathan.

My jaw clenches and my hands shake. I slow my
breathing, trying to manage the way his scent affects me. I have to change the way I’m looking at the situation, and do something to make this pain stop. It’s like wanting something so bad, needing something to the point that your body cringes, aches, and stresses for it.

This has got to be what it feels like to be on drugs.
Aching
for another hit.

I close my eyes
, seeing him smiling at me. He touches and kisses me, and I let him. It’s not real, but it
feels
real, and I want him too bad not to let him. The hurt expands, and I try to focus on the feeling of his kiss and the touch of his hands. I feel him everywhere around me and I want to cry out to him.

Unable to fight it
, I give in to the pain, and it crowds me, like he’s doing. No longer fighting it, it’s not as bad. “Nathan,” I say softly, needing to hear his name. “I need you…bad,” I say, even quieter, not wanting to disturb him…but I do. Just a touch, a short kiss, or him looking at me, would be enough to satisfy my need.

His
voice is in my head, speaking sweetly to my unknown, and it doesn’t help my longing for him. The nonexistent arms hold me, and although they’re not real, they feel real, easing my pain. I fall back to sleep.

Tracey
, he calls.

Tracey
. The pain returns.

Tracey
. It’s getting worse.

His arms
, still holding me, tighten. I rest against them, scared to open my eyes and confirm they’re not real. I can’t take the pain, so I clench my teeth to not scream, and force myself back to sleep.

I wake up, not much later. The pain is gone and I’m grateful. I let out a harsh breath of relief. My stomach expands
, touching an arm that’s around me. I turn over, seeing Nathan’s sleeping eyes.

Excitement rolls in me, happy he’s here. Like a girl staring at a hot guy for the first time
, I gawk at him. If he was awake, I wouldn’t, but he’s not, and I need to take him in.

My joy lowers
, seeing a deep scar across his left eye. It starts from the hairline of his forehead and goes through his eyebrow, over his eye, past his cheekbone, and stops in the middle of his cheek. It saddens me, knowing he was hurt. I reach up to touch it.

I rub my finger over it and it disappears under my finger.
Whoa! This must have been what he meant, about being able to heal. He remains asleep, and I take the opportunity to do the other scar along his neck and arm. Afterwards, I look him over. The scars are gone and he looks like my Nathan.

I kiss his lips and his eyes open into a slit. “Hey
,” I say, smiling.

“Hey.” He pushes my hair from my face.

“You okay?”

“I am now.”

“I missed you…a lot.”

“Me too.” He pauses
. “You fixed my scars?”

“Yea
h,” I say through a smile, feeling proud that I was able to do something for him.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

His eyes close
. “How was your night?”

“Terrible. But I managed
, thanks to you holding me, making it easier for me to sleep.”

He smiles
. “Glad I could help. You mind telling me how I did that?”

“
I don’t know. You were everywhere anyway, so I guess it was only right my mind made you hold me—to ease my pain.”

“
Hm, well then, I’m glad to know you can take care of yourself.”

“
And you too.”

“Yea
h, me too. Thanks again.” He moves me back beside him. “Go back to sleep, Tracey. Get comfortable.”

I scoot against him
, placing my head in his neck. “So are you going to tell me what happened?” I ask, as I tangle my legs in his.

“No.”
He doesn’t hesitate.

“Why not?”

“Just imagine what you saw before, with more people on each side and us still being outnumbered. More died, and they weren’t from our side.” He is short, and I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it.

But I’m curious. “And the scar
s?”

“I got caught off
-guard and a Nemanite tried to get the best of me.”

“O
-kay…” I push for him to continue, whatever a Nemanite is.

“Tracey, what do you think happened?”
His voice is aggressive.

“I don’t know
. That is why I’m asking.” I touch his bare chest and his muscles relax.

He lets out a breath
. “When helping Nathan, he cut me off and tried to cut my neck. I moved before he could, and instead, he got me in the face. I got pissed, not to mention my brother still needed me, so I obliterated him.”

“And what was happening to Nathan?”

He takes a deep breath and lets it go. “You really want to talk about this?”

“Yes
,” I answer in an ‘obviously’ tone.

He takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly
, against my head. “He was being held down and taken by a couple of other Nemanites. They have a power where they can steal pieces of you, whether it is a sense, a desire, a memory, or your soul. He held his ground pretty well, trying to fight them off, but they were too strong for him.

“I noticed this
, once I’d finished with the guy who had cut open my face. He called for me and I raced to him, and we fought them just for the hell of it. They took his feeling of touch and a few of his memories, Roseland and I assumed, because he didn’t know how we got there or why. My grandmother was able to restore his feeling.”

“That’s her ability?
”

“She can restore what
is taken physically.” He kisses the top of my head. “Go to sleep, Tracey.”

I let it go. “Thanks for coming back.”

“I told you I would.” He holds me tighter and calm fills me. I’m out on my next inhale.

“Tracey, you awake?” My mom says, knocking on my bedroom door.

I am now
, Mom. Wait…Mom!? I start to panic, remembering I hadn’t locked the door.

Nathan’s arms tighten around me.
It’s okay, baby. I locked it. Calm down
.

I breathe. Okay
, good. Good thinking.

Just answer her
. His eyes are still closed.
Groggy voice
.

Right! “Mom
,” I sing, raspy in aggravation.

“Tracey
, I’m leaving for work. Call me if you need me. I love you.”

“Okay
, Mom,” I say, quieter.

See
? Simple. Go back to sleep
. I do, after a few minutes of calming myself down.

I wake
later, to the sun, feeling happy and satisfied—nothing like how I went to sleep the first time. Nathan is still asleep, and still illegally-looking amazing. I move from the bed, trying not to wake him. I climb over his mountain body, and he turns over on his back. I halt, but he stays asleep.

Peeking from
my door, I check to see if my mom is still gone. Her door is open. Good. I go to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. Doing something better with my hair today, I put loose curls in it. I don’t have bangs, so my hair flows around my round, yet slanted, face.

I finish
, satisfied. Looking at myself in the mirror, I notice one of those marks under my right eye, resting against my high cheekbone. Very faint, but I can see it well-enough. It’s a damaged feather, set on fire at the stemmed end. It scares me a little; I don’t understand it. There are pieces of the feather missing, along with small flames erupting from the sides.

The flames don’t move
, but it’s obvious what’s going on. I touch it and feel nothing.