Burdened (A Burdened Novel) (24 page)

The back of my thighs touch the bedside. “Now, when I brought you into this with me, I asked you if you would trust me.” He lifts me, sitting me on the bed. “You told me you did, and that you wanted me.” He removes his hands from me. “And now you’re telling me you want to leave me?”

I
am
saying that. I know what I feel. I don’t answer him.

He moves over me, forcing me to lie back on the bed. I fall back onto my elbows. He doesn’t touch me—his hands are placed beside me, holding
himself up—but he kisses my cheek. “You know, I’m not going to force you to stay with me. And if leaving me is what you want, I have to give it to you.” So this want he can give me? “You’re really over-thinking everything, babe.”

“Or, maybe you’re not thinking enough.” I touch his cheek, still in a trance. He turns his head, kissing my palm. “There is no real difference. There is no in-between. You either jump—or you walk away.” I pull him closer. “And for the record, I jumped and I’m falling—hard.”

“How do you know what you’re feeling is real, and that it’s not just me, making you feel that way?”

“I know what I want. I know that I’m going to want you regardless? Even if you are influencing my thought, I’ve felt this way before now.” I look at the ceiling coming to conclusion about this whole
bound
thing. Looking back at him I say “Sounds to me that we are meant to be together by some higher-power. We’re here, and becoming bound is just the seal to complete it.”

He looks at me. “It is.”

“And you
don’t
want to complete it?”

“No, I’m not saying that. Tracey, I’m often in your head. I know your feelings about a lot of different things. Are you really ready to dedicate all of you to me, and take on me, giving you all of me?” Am I? I can say ‘yes,’ but is it just me giving into my hormones, wanting him so badly?
“Exactly.”

“So, what am I giving up now, if not
all
of me?”

His eyes, green and brown, swirl in front of mine.
“Your time.”

My time?
My feelings are crossed. I know what I want, but something is making me second-guess myself. Do I really want all of him, like I think I do? Being obligated to him—what does that even mean? It sounds like marriage. I don’t want to be married. But I want him—to fall asleep next to him, wake up next to him, breathe him, kiss him, and love him. I think.

Wait…why am I arguing with myself? I know what I want. I understand what I need.

“Nathan!” My tone is serious. He raises an eyebrow. “Did you really just try to change my mind? Did you just get in my head, and rearrange my thoughts?” He is crossing boundaries. And him denying me…how much more does he want me to take?

“Tracey.”

“Don’t lie to me,” I say aggressively.

He shakes his head. “I did. But I just wanted to make the idea occur to you, just to show you how you would feel. To see if that would make you feel any different.”

“And did my feelings change? I don’t feel a change in my feelings. Not cool, Nathan.” I push him—well, try to push him, but he doesn’t budge. “Excuse me,” I say reluctantly, and he moves to the side. I turn and climb onto the bed, trying to keep my head clear and not think about my feelings and my next move.

I lay down, and his phone starts ringing from the TV stand. It has a crazy ringtone that would jar me awake from my sleep. He looks over at me, and then walks over to his phone. He answers it and just listens.

Then he says, “Yeah, they did. No, they tried to kill Scott and me in front of Tracey.” Pause. “What was I supposed to do—let them? It’s not like I acted from anger. I was being protective. They came to kill us. What would you have preferred that I do?” He pauses for a long time. “Okay, I understand. Tell her I say ‘hi’ and ‘I love her.’” He ends the call.

“What was that all about?” I ask, wanting to know if there is a problem, or if we should be expecting another problem.

“My father. He was questioning me about the eels from this evening.” He walks over to the side of the bed that I’m lying on and sits down. “Look, Tracey. Shit is about to get bad for me.” He takes a breath and pushes his hands through his hair. “Not even three hours ago it happened and my father already knows about it. Meaning more may come, with the word traveling so fast. Things may be about to change for the worse and there are going to be sides of me that I don’t want you to see.

“Seeing me kill, and when I get really angry, my appearance changes. You can still recognize me, but I can take on the appearance of a…demon, and that’s when I’m out of control. If you’re caught in that fire and I hurt you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” He walks to the bathroom, closing the door.

I walk over to the bathroom door, sliding down beside it. I can hear him breathing heavy. “I’m all in…even if you go full demon. I know you will not hurt me.” I stop speaking now, knowing that I need to show him that I’ll stay with him. “Touch your chest, Nathan. You feel
my
heart beating,
not
yours,” I say in a faint whisper. “I’m permanent, through
whatever
—
forever
. I don’t care if you tear the world apart and smile when you finish. I’ll stand by you and with you. The day I decide to turn on you would be the day you rip my heart from my chest. And that will be the day we both fall.” He walks out of the bathroom, looking down at me. I meet his gaze. “How can you ask me to trust you, if you don’t trust me?”

He closes the door behind him, sliding down beside me. “What are you saying, Tracey?”

I look him over before I answer. “What does it sound like?”

“Sounds like something I need to hear.”

“Or something you need to
listen
to.” I scoot closer to him, and he puts his arm around me as I lay my head against his chest. “You know, this is all your fault. If you wouldn’t have hit me, you could have been all demon by yourself, like you want.”

“Nah, I like being with you more than I like being by myself. You give me reason. And I like having something or someone to keep me leveled and my head on straight.” He takes a deep breath. “I just didn’t expect for you to accept me like you do. I just
knew
after you saw my performance today, that was it.”

I shake my head. “I think I’ll stick around. I’ll put in a little more time getting to know you. If you don’t want to give me one-hundred-percent, I guess I’ll take your twenty.”

He moves so he can look at me. “If you want one-hundred, I’ll give it. Just know, there is no going back. I guess we will have to figure it out as we go, like what you’re going to do about your family, how you would finish school, and how to avoid getting killed, but—” He shrugs his shoulders.

“You’d let me get killed?” I ask, with a questionable look.

He pulls me into his lap. “Never.”

“So don’t talk crazy.” I start getting up. “Come
on, let’s start the movie over so we can watch it. We can figure everything else out later.” I hope. “Maybe we could work on a couple of dreams you’ve had about me.”

He looks at me through his lashes as he starts to get up. “How do you know I dream about you?”

“You told me.”

He thinks for a moment, once on his feet. “I did, didn’t I?”

“You did,” I say, intrigued.

“You know something, Tracey?”

He follows me over to the bed. “What?”

“You are a freak.” He turns me around once we are at the bed.

“Only for you.”

“Keep it that way,” is the last thing he says before I’m in heaven. I knew he wanted it just as bad as I did.

I’m high off of Nathan—from his scent, his kiss, his touch. Everything feels amazing. His touch feels vibrant; his kiss feels exotic. His smell is enticing, and when he speaks, although it’s unknown to me, it makes everything passionate. How he does it, I have no idea, but he makes me feel good; he makes everything feel good. I forget about everything that has bothered me, and my thoughts are replaced with him and every feeling of him.

I’m tired of sitting back; I want to feel him under me. He’s not the easiest guy to move, but he lets me turn him over and sit atop him. He grabs my waist and squeezes off and on as I kiss him from his lips to his neck. I take his shirt off and he does the same to me. I have not felt him skin to skin, and I am craving it once the opportunity arises.

He pulls my hair tie from my ponytail and my hair falls around my shoulders. Taking all of one second to watch it, he attacks my neck. I push him back down to the bed, staring at him and his bare chest; he stares back. I lean over, kissing his chest. It is smooth, hairless; my lips move against and off of it with ease. He says nothing as I lower myself to his stomach, although his breathing deepens.

I lower myself to his navel and tug gently on his shorts—to move them a little lower. Lowering to his abdomen, I let my tongue taste first, and lower my lips to kiss after. As my lips touch, he lets out a throaty grunt. Quicker than I can blink, he has me on my back, my bra is off, and his lips are on mine.

I missed something.

Gently, he kisses me. “What are you trying to do to me?” he whispers.

I lift my legs up to his sides until my feet feel the waistband of his shorts. “Whatever you’re trying not to do,” I say as I kiss him, starting to inch his shorts down slowly, hoping he doesn’t notice too quickly.

“I notice,” he whispers through a kiss.

I’m intrigued. I reach down, pulling the drawstring of my shorts, and he moves my hands—stopping me. Grabbing both of my hands in one of his, he pushes them over my head. Moving back to my neck, applying sinful, body-scorching kisses, his free hand travels along my body—across my shoulder, over my breast, down my stomach to my shorts, and unties them. Butterflies erupt in my stomach and my legs fall to the bed as he pushes them down.

Trying to calm the nervous butterflies, I let out a quiet breath of satisfaction, and he pulls them down with no struggle. He sucks on my neck, hitting my ‘prepare
her
’ spots. My hormones rage out of control. Heat rolls from his body as I moan quietly in his ear.

The door knocks three times.

Nathan makes a sound, like a growl, under his breath. He looks at me.

“You cannot be serious,” I say, borderline pissed. Why? WHY!? What could they want? WHAT!? Why NOW?

“Calm down, Tracey.” He looks down and pulls my shorts back up, then his, which were two inches below his waist. I didn’t get far. “Put my shirt on.” He looks over next to me, showing me where his shirt is.

I grab it, angrily throwing it over my head as he does a quick sweep over the room. He throws my bra and my shirt to me.

Opening the door, there is Scott, in all his interrupting glory. “What, Scott?” You can hear the aggravation in his voice.

“Something’s—” Scott stops, taking in the room. Then he looks at me. I
fold my arms across my chest, not wanting him to see my C-cups perked up through Nathan’s shirt. He looks back to Nathan. “What were you doing?” he asks Nathan, folding his arms, with a look that could kill.

“Why? What do you want?” Nathan’s aggravation flares.

“Don’t do it. You’ll end up like me and Glen.”

“I think your situation with Glen is a lot different from ours,” Nathan states as he starts to close the door on Scott.

Scott stops the door with his forearm. “Only Slightly.” Nathan looks up at Scott, who has his arm still on the door. “You don’t want it, believe me. Glen isn’t doing so well with the change, the acceptance.” He drops his arm.

“That’s your fault. You took that step without understanding your mate or your mate understanding you. She knows nothing of what you are or what will happen to her. You’re bound with restrictions and that’s not possible.”

Scott looks past him and over to me. “So she knows everything?”

“Excluding the murders, and the exte
nt of the bond, but she knows there are things I haven’t told her.” Nathan looks back at me, and my eyes beg him to come back.

“How?”

“We talk. We don’t just have sex and sleep. And why didn’t you tell me you and Glen are bound? Didn’t you think that was a vital source of information?” I’m still stuck on the fact that we don’t
just
have sex; we don’t have sex
at all
!

“I did. But I knew what you would think, considering the way that I treated you, then giving in—in such a short time.”

“How long?” Nathan asks in his deep voice. I’m curious to know the answer to that myself.

“Some days ago.”
Scott tilts his head down.

“Keep going.”

“We were at school and she approached me. This was after I had talked to Tracey. Something happened between us and I couldn’t control it. She cornered me into the photo lab. There are a few chairs and couches in there for people to wait for their pictures and stuff. Well, she kissed me and I lost it.”

He leans against the door panel. “Whatever control I had was gone. Every desire rushed out of me, like the destruction of an angry dam. I took full advantage of the situation, not letting an inch of her go untouched. Her kisses were like heaven and her touches were as comforting as an angel’s. I couldn’t resist my own urge.” He pauses for a brief second. I assume he’s replaying it in his head. “So I did it.” He shrugs. “She stripped, I let her strip me, and I took her.”