Bullet (36 page)

I knew what he was talking about, but the words were gone.  I was breathless.

He ground himself into me
, and I gasped.  Oh, yes.  Oh,
hell
, yes.  I liked it.  But I still couldn’t say anything.  He knew, though, by the sharp intake of air into my lungs that I more than liked it, and he buried me in a kiss again.

I knew then what my body was made for, and now I knew why my mother and father had tried so desperately to hide it from me.  Sweet heavens above, I wanted nothing else now, and as that boy’s manhood continued to awaken my hidden desires, I knew my virginity was soon to be forgotten.

Ethan broke off the kiss again to look at me.  “God, I want you.”

My voice sounded foreign to my own ears
—throaty, hoarse.  “I want you too.”

I saw it register with him
, and I guess I was lucky he didn’t take me right then and there.  But he restrained himself.  “Not now.  Your first time…can’t be a quick fuck up against a wall.”  His eyes looked tender when he said, “Soon.  When the time is right.”

Now I felt desperate
, but I hoped I didn’t sound brazen.  “When will be the right time?”

His eyes searched mine.  “Soon.  I promise.  I’ll take care of it.”
  He kissed me again and then held me close, my legs still around him.  He nuzzled my neck, and that didn’t help.  Then he looked at me again.  “I should go.”

And then I wanted to ask him why he had to leave…why we couldn’t just make love right then and there.  But I knew…I knew I didn’t want to lose my virginity when there were three other guys in the next room in an apartment with paper-thin walls.  I was going to have to trust Ethan.  He had a plan—I could see that in his eyes.
  He lowered me back down to the floor and held me close, willing his hard on to go down, but he kissed me once more.  Then he touched his nose to mine.  “Soon.  But get your rest.”

Yeah.  Like I could sleep now.  Instead, I lay in bed for hours, now intensely aware of Ethan’s nearby presence.  I could hear his voice now and then in the living room.  Knowing he was there, so close…well, it was next to impossible for me to sleep.  All my nerves were on alert, and I couldn’t calm them down enough to sleep, even though earlier, I’d been ready to pass out for days.

I
did
sleep eventually, though, and the next morning, I slept later, but I still continued my job search.  I spread my circle a little wider.  I knew eventually I’d get to the point where employers were too far to walk to, but that would be a while, and I hoped I’d find a job before then.

I continued my job search all week but hadn’t heard anything.  Our first show that weekend, though, was spectacular.  The best part was being closer by.  And Brad had lined up two shows that weekend, so we were busy, and I was tired.  But I was happy.

Sunday afternoon, Ethan asked if I wanted to go for a walk, so we did.  It was the first day since we’d moved that I could tell that fall was on the way.  The temperature was mild, and the day was sunny but not too hot.

He grabbed my hand as we took our time walking down the sidewalk.  “I have Plan A and Plan B,” he said.

I grinned, relishing the feel of his skin touching mine, even if it
was
just my hand.  “Okay.  And what would those be?”

“Plan A is to convince Brad that he needs to take
Zane and Nick home for a day or two, visit family.  Plan B is I take you out somewhere, and we find a place for a night—hotel or somethin’.”

I shrugged.  “Okay.”

“Plan C…we just go for it.”

“I don’t want you to have to spend a bunch of money on me, Ethan.  We’re all strapped.”

He looked at me then, an intense, hardcore gaze, one that reminded me of why I was so smitten with him in the first place.  I saw his pupils widen just a touch, and that was enough for my breath to stop for just a second.  Then he took my face in his hands and brought my lips to his.  He drowned me in a kiss, one that took me from zero to sixty in half a second…one that reminded me that I wanted more…so much more.  I grabbed his t-shirt in my fists at about pec level just to try to keep myself in check.  I didn’t remember ever wanting anything so badly in my life, and my breathing was shallow when he removed his lips from mine.

“Fuck it.”  My eyes were questioning him.  “Let’s do it.  Tonight.”

“
It?
”

“Yeah.  Let me make love to you.”

“Seriously?  Tonight?”  Now, though, I was starting to freak out.  I was a little nervous, a lot excited, but Ethan talking about our roommates in the other room started making me feel a little weird about the whole thing.  But he already had that figured out in his head too.

“Yeah.  Let’
s just go somewhere.”  I know the look on my face had to be one of fear and confusion, because I was thinking a park, a bathroom stall, or wherever.  But then he said, “We’ll go to one of the motels we stayed in while we were touring this summer.”

That
sounded much better.  I felt a shy grin spread across my face.  “Okay.”

“Would you rather go out to eat or just get takeout?”

“Do we
have
to eat?”

He smiled.  “
No…”

“Takeout’s fine.”

As we walked back to the apartment—
quickly
—I mentally whispered a silent
goodbye
to my virginity.  She’d worn out her welcome, and I was ready to become a real woman.  I could hardly wait.

Chapter Twenty-two

TRYING NOT TO make a big deal out of it was difficult.  Brad and Zane were working out some music in the big bedroom when Ethan and I got back, and Nick was on the computer.  I couldn’t be sure, but I guessed he was checking out some porn, just based on the abashed look on his face when we walked in.  At least I was able to see his hands.

Ethan followed me to my bedroom, giving me another long, luxurious kiss, maybe to remind me that I really wanted to follow through.  I grabbed a small bag and put a change of clothes inside, but I didn’t imagine I’d need much of anything else.  I didn’t even know if we were going to spend the night.  Ethan said, “Wait just a minute,” and left my room, only to return a few minutes later.  He had half a bottle of vodka and a grin on his face.  “Can you fit this in your bag?”

I shrugged.  “Sure.”

We left a few minutes later, and as we were walking down the stairs toward the parking garage, Ethan said, “I didn’t say anything, except to tell them to not make us dinner and not to wait up for us.”

I let out a long, slow but quiet breath.  “That was probably enough.”

“Stop it, Val.  This is
gonna be fun.”

When we were in the truck and on the road, Ethan suggested Chinese takeout.  And I recognized the motel when he parked there.  “Want me to pay half?”

He looked at me for a second as though considering it.  “Nah.  Wait here.”

I hated being left alone, because that’s when I got really keyed up.  As it was, I felt on edge.  The anticipation and not knowing exactly what to expect had me feeling nervous and hyper.  But Ethan didn’t seem to notice.

When we got in the room, we used the plastic forks he’d gotten and just ate straight out of the cartons.  I didn’t even know what he got, but I wasn’t hungry, and I only picked at them anyway.  He wound up eating a lot more than I did.  When we finished, he said, “Relax, babe.”  He got the bottle of vodka and persuaded me to take just one big gulp.  He promised it would help take the edge off.  Then he sat behind me on the bed and massaged my shoulders for a minute like he had a few days earlier.  “Seriously, Val.  Relax.”  He pulled my hair back toward him and started kissing my neck.  I tilted my head the other way so he could kiss it more easily.  I exhaled, enjoying the feel of his warm lips against my skin.  My nipples grew rigid fast, as though it were cool in the room.  But it wasn’t cold at all; in fact, it felt like it was starting to heat up.

He brought his lips to my ears, sending another vibration through my body.  “Hey…I just want you to know…we don’t
have
to do anything if you don’t want to.  I don’t want you to feel any pressure.  Just…stay with me tonight.”

I nodded and turned my head
, and he kissed me on the lips then.  Oh, I wanted to do everything, but it made me feel a little better that he wasn’t in any hurry, and he wasn’t going to force me to do anything.  He moved his lips back to my ear.  “Why don’t we take a shower?”

I didn’t have to think about it, even though my hesitation might have made him think I was pondering it.  But I said
okay
.

And he led me in that tiny, plain bathroom with the bone-colored shower curtain.  He leaned over and turned the water on, holding his hand under the str
eam to check the temperature.  Then he stood up, and his eyes drilled into mine.  He grabbed the tiny bar of soap off the counter and ripped the paper off, then set the bar on the edge of the tub.  He returned his gaze to me and pulled his shirt off, letting it drop to the floor.  I felt my mouth filling with saliva, hungry for him, but I felt awkward, not knowing what to do or where to start.  My inexperience was showing, and that made me feel even more out of place.

But I didn’t mind looking at his naked upper body.  Ethan might not have made working out a priority, but he didn’t have to.  He had a naturally masculine physique, and he wasn’t bulky.  He already had the
rock star fit
look down.  Not thick and muscular, but lean and solid.  He had very little hair on his chest, but he had a line down the center of his abdomen, leading down under the waistband of his jeans, and I almost blushed, thinking I’d be looking at it in a minute.

He smiled at me as though he could work out what I was thinking.  And maybe he
did
know, because as he kicked off his sneakers, he was unbuttoning his jeans.  My eyes were riveted.  Fortunately, he didn’t seem to mind.  It was like I was frozen, though, fascinated and curious as hell.  Before I knew it, he was peeling off his underwear too, and there it was, big and thick and engorged.

I’m sure my eyes grew wide.  Remember, I was naïve and had been sheltered.  The only penises I’d ever seen had been in art books
or the occasional flash in a movie.  And those ones were flaccid.  And I’d always wondered exactly how they could fit inside me.  Yes, I understood the basic concept, but I didn’t expect a penis to be so…
big
.  So my nervousness ratcheted up a notch, but I knew it was natural.  And, besides, I’d had friends joke around about wanting them bigger, so surely it was okay…right?

Yeah, I’d been staring, and Ethan seemed fine with it.  He got close and slid his hand over my cheek, pulling me into a kiss.  Then he stepped back—just a little—and started lifting my shirt up over my head.  I raised my arms.  I know I was still kind of in a state of shock, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d been grinning.  I finally was able to move again, and I started fumbling with the button on my jeans.  He smiled at me, ever patient, and reached behind me to undo the clasp on my bra.  He was pulling it down my arms before I
could even start shimmying my jeans down my thighs.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

I swallowed and felt my cheeks grow warm.  He pulled me into a kiss again, and my nipples brushed against his chest. 
Oh.
  I liked that.  That feeling was nice.  It was stimulating, and I felt a shiver travel up my spine.

“Let’s get these off,” he said and started tugging at my jeans.  He dropped to his knees and pulled them down to my ankles.  Then he slipped first one of my shoes off, then the other.  Like I was a child, he took off my socks and slid my pants the rest of the way off.  Then he stood and kissed me one more time.  He turned the knob to start the shower stream and pulled the curtain closed, then leaned over to pull his
own socks off.  When he stood, he said, “Valerie, you don’t need to be ashamed of your body.  You are fucking incredible.”

I wasn’t sure why he’d said that until I’d realized my arms were wrapped around my breasts, holding them tightly against my chest.
  And, really, he’d called it.  My parents were good people, but they were the very definition of puritanical.  My body wasn’t made to be appreciated.  Anything potentially prurient or arousing had to be covered up, and—thus—bikinis and revealing tops were out of the question.  Yes, I was young and probably would have chosen to avoid clothing like that anyway, simply because I
was
young and shy about my body.  But even thinking about it had been out of the question, so I knew covering my breasts had been a subconscious reaction to Ethan’s overt admiration of my body.  Even so, with his acknowledgement of it, I didn’t immediately remove my arms.  He could tell me not to be embarrassed or ashamed all he wanted, but I had to get over whatever hang-ups I had first…and I also had to accept myself as a sexual creature.

I gave him a small smile
, and he pulled me close once more, immersing me in a scorching kiss that took my breath away, and by the time he was done, I had relaxed my arms to return the embrace.  He led me into the shower where we both stood halfway under the cascading water, and I was buried in a flood of sensations.  He just kissed me for a few moments, maybe to help me relax.  Oh, but it did nothing to relax me.  I was wound up—I didn’t know that my nerves had been so full of foreign chemicals before, and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the feelings.