Bullet (34 page)

“Yeah, but I don’t think you get where I’m coming from.  Pain is part of life, Ethan, and I’m willing to take chances.  It hurt me more than you know when you just decided you were done with me.  Don’t you think that hurts more than just letting us explore where our relationship was going?”  I was looking at him, waiting to see what he thought.  “Even if it ends badly?  Isn’t it worth just trying?”

He was quiet for a while.  We sped down the road, and I started thinking maybe that was the end of the conversation.  But then he said, “Not necessarily.
”  He looked over at me.  “We were great friends, Val.  We go down that road…any way you can keep your heart out of it?”

I wasn’t sure what he was asking.  “Why would I want to?”

“So you didn’t get hurt.”

It was my turn to contemplate the conversation.  I didn’t like the vibes I was getting from him.  “Would that be inevitable?”

He kept his eyes on the road, but I could tell from his expression that there was no humor in his words.  “With me…probably.”

I was getting upset.  It was like he’d made up his mind that anything between the two of us would end in disaster.  “It doesn’t have to be like that, Ethan.  It’ll only be like that if you
make
it that way.  And that would be a shitty thing to do.”

That
got his attention.  I didn’t curse like the rest of the guys did, so when I swore, they noticed.  He looked over at me, but it was like he was at a loss for words.  “If we’re friends, Ethan, then we move forward from there.  And friends care about each other, take care of each other.  Our friendship is mutual, isn’t it?”  He nodded.  “So who says it has to be complicated and calculated?  Why can’t nature just take its course?  Or is there something else you haven’t told me?”

“No.”

“Then why do we have to be afraid to see where this goes?”

Oh…that hit a nerve.  Was he angry?  I couldn’t tell, but I wanted to listen carefully to what he said next.  “Caution is not the same as fear, Val, and why shouldn’t I worry about what happens to you?”

“Don’t you see that’s what I’m saying, Ethan?  In your
cautiousness
for sparing me, you wound up hurting me worse than if we’d just let things happen.”  His jaw was clenched tight.  “I don’t care if you don’t want to hear that.  If you don’t want to pursue it further, that’s fine.  Just say so, but don’t pussyfoot around and then pretend like I’m a hot potato when things get a little warm.”  He still hadn’t said a word, so now was my chance to drive it home.  “And stop calling me your fucking muse, putting me up on a pedestal.  I’m your friend, and I’m a band member.  I’m an equal, so please treat me like one.”

He seemed to think about it, and we sat in silence for a while.  We still weren’t talking by the time Ethan’s truck made it to the Springs.  He said, “You need to stop for anything?”

“Nope.  I’m good.”

We were on I-25 heading towards Denver when he started talking again.  “So…start fresh then?”

Did he really mean it?  He seemed sincere, and I’d felt cheated of his affection from the first moment he’d pulled away.  Deep down, yes, I wanted to try it fresh.  I wanted a second chance.  I wanted to make a real go of it.  Rational or not, I loved Ethan.  I knew it was stupid, but it didn’t matter.  Stupid or not, I wanted him.  Part of me knew he was damaged…deeply damaged…and I think that part of me also wanted to try to save him.  So, yes, I wanted a fair chance.  I nodded.  “Yeah.”

We were another few miles down the road when he said, “Am I fucking up anything between you and Brad?”

I felt my eyes grow wide.  What the hell had Brad said?  Was Brad part of the reason Ethan had shied away from me?  “No.”  The less I said, the better.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.  I’m sure.  There’s nothing there.”  Well,
that
wasn’t true.  There was some irrational sexual attraction there that I didn’t think would ever disappear.  Love, though?  Nope.  My feelings for Ethan blinded me to anyone else.

“Does
he
know that?”

“What’s
that
supposed to mean?”

His voice was quiet.  “I see the way he looks at you.”

Oh.  I didn’t know Brad looked at me a certain way.  But we weren’t going there.  I refused.  “Ethan, whatever happened between Brad and me is over.  You heard him say it himself to my dad, and he meant it.  He didn’t want a relationship screwing up the band so he instituted a
hands off
policy.  There is
nothing
there.”  Wow…was I protesting too much?  Time to shut up, Valerie.

He wasn’t saying much of anything either, and I had no idea what to expect.  Little sprinkles hit the windshield as a light rain cooled the early September air.  I looked out the window at the gray skies.  Finally, he spoke again.  “I know it’s really none of my business, but I
gotta know.  Did you sleep with him?”

I don’t know why I told him.  “You’re right.  It’s none of your business, but no.  We didn’t sleep together.”  I sighed.  This conversation felt like an exercise in futility.  “I’m still a virgin.”

I saw him let the breath out of his lungs, almost like what I’d said was a shock.  But then he hit me with a curveball.  “So why are you on the pill then?”

My voice probably got higher than I should have let it.  “What?  How’d you know about that?”

“We toured together enough.  I’ve seen you take it once or twice.  I’m not an idiot.”

Fair enough.  “I wanted to be safe.”

“With Brad.”

I had to be honest.  “Yeah, with Brad.  We’d…”  Shit, this was hard.  I looked out the side window again.  “Things got a little…heated
, and I wanted to be safe.”

“Did I do that to you?”

I felt my cheeks growing hot.  “Do what?”

“Make you feel
heated
?”

“Yeah…you did.”

He seemed satisfied with my answer.  We didn’t say anything else the rest of the way to Denver.  Throughout the summer, we’d been driving into the city at night, and I’d been dazzled by the bright lights against the dark backdrop.  Seeing the city in the daytime, though…floored me.  It was huge.  I was a small town girl.  But Denver…it stretched on and on.  To the west, it butted up against the mountains and to the east, it sprawled and stretched as far as my eyes could see.  And to the north?  I had no idea if the city ever really ended.  Yes, I believed Brad was right when he said we’d have so many places to play, we’d never reach the end.  Could we get noticed, though?  Would we be able to make it?  It remained to be seen, but that he had that unshakable faith helped me believe it too.  That didn’t, however, make me feel any less overwhelmed by the sight of the metropolis spread forth in front of me.

Ethan navigated the traffic like a pro.  It was before rush hour, so even though the traffic seemed crazy to me at the time, it was actually pretty light.  After a while, we reached our destination in a
small dark parking garage.  I was glad to be able to get out of the truck and stretch.

Ethan joined me on the passenger side of the truck.  I asked, “How many trips do you think it’ll take us to haul all my crap up to our place?”

He smiled and shrugged.  “We’ll make the guys help.”  Without warning, he closed the gap between us, his hands on my hips.  His touch was aggressive, and I felt breathless.  My back was pressed against the warm, smooth side of his truck, and I noticed my hands were cupping his biceps.  “I just want to make it clear.  Unlike Brad,
I
didn’t make your dad any promises.”  He smothered me in a soul-searching kiss that I felt clear to the tips of my toes.  The muscles throughout my body grew taut, aching for his touch.  Yes, I wanted Ethan.  I’d always wanted Ethan.  I loved him and maybe, finally, we could explore the relationship he’d denied us before.  As my tongue fought against his and my hands wound through his hair, I at last had hope that we could try.

Chapter Twenty-one

I CAME TO the conclusion that I had been a spoiled, pampered child my entire life.  Why?  Well, I hadn’t been impressed with my dorm room my freshman year in college, but I hadn’t minded the austere, plain feel of the rooms.  After all, I was there to learn, not to feel like I was staying in a resort.  But my new digs were anything but comfortable.

I knew I had no right to complain.  We had a place that protected us from the elements.  Everything inside worked—the shower, the toilet, the lights, the oven, you name it.  But it felt old and uncared for.  The walls were supposed to be white, but they were dingy.  The carpeting in the living room was rust colored.  It was worn and had seen better days.  The kitchen table was past the point of looking
distressed
.  It was just old.  The linoleum in the kitchen had chips and dents in it and, around the stove, there were burn holes.  The fixtures in the bathroom were all green and looked like they were thirty or forty years old.

I tried to keep a positive attitude, but I could tell the place could get me down.  My two pieces of luggage and three boxes sat in a corner of the smaller bedroom, and the five of us met in the living room to discuss our arrangements.  I wasn’t a good enough actress to hide my dismay.  I hadn’t had enough time to work on hiding how I really felt, and Brad noticed.  “What’s wrong, Val?”

I let out a breath.  “I know we checked out this place before, and it was all we could afford, but am I the only one who thinks it’s depressing here?”

His smile was gentle.  “Yeah…it’s not the greatest.  But it’ll be what we make it, right?  Besides, we don’t want to spend much time here
anyway.  We want to be out playing gigs all the time.  Am I right?”

I forced a smile back.  He
was
right.  I nodded.  “Yeah, I know.  I’ll get over it.”

“I don’t know how much practice we’ll be able to get in, guys, at least plugged in.  We’ll have to check with our neighbors…”

“We don’t have to crank it.”

“It just
gonna be harder to write new stuff, but we’ll manage.  The big bedroom’s on the corner of the building, so if we’re gonna plug in and practice, I think that’s where we need to.”  The guys agreed.  “Now…living arrangements.  I really think Val should have the little bedroom, the one with the twin bed.”

“That doesn’t seem fair, Brad.  There’s one of me and four of you.  I
can sleep on the couch, and you guys can share the rooms.”

“Bullshit.  I promised your dad
we’d keep our hands off.”

“That doesn’t mean I need my own bedroom.”

“It does in
my
mind.  You need a place where you can feel safe, where you can have some privacy.  You won’t have to worry about one of us walking in while you’re changing clothes or staring at you while you’re sleeping.”

I started giggling.  “Should I have had to worry about that before?”

Brad smiled, but he was all business now.  He was again taking on his role as our natural leader.  “Now…as to the other bedroom, we’re not gonna fight over it.  Us guys are gonna share.  We bought two cots today at an army surplus store for cheap, and when we’re not using them, we can store them in the closet over there.  Not the best plan, but it works.”

Ethan said, “So we’re just
gonna use the big bedroom for our gear?”

“No.  One of us will sleep on that bed, one on the couch, two on the cots in the living room.  We’re
gonna get a calendar, and each one of us will get the bedroom the same amount of days every month on a rotating basis.”

Nick said, “I don’t give a shit where I sleep, man.”

Zane elbowed him in the ribs.  “Yeah, but if you have a girl wants to get friendly with you…”

Quiet Nick made my jaw drop.  “I don’t give a shit where I fuck, man.”

Zane started laughing.  “No, but
she
might.”

Brad started in again.  “We’ll arrange the details tomorrow, and I think we need to schedule chores too.  Don’t give me that look, Ethan.  You know goddamned well that if we don’t map out who has to take out the trash that we’ll live like pigs
, and Val will get stuck cleaning up, just because she actually gives a shit.  Right?”

I smiled.  Brad always seemed to have my back, and I was beginning to appreciate how much thought he’d given everything.

Ethan said, “Fine.  Whatever.  But don’t expect me to wash dishes every day.”

“No one’s
gonna expect that.  So…there’s a dresser and a closet in each room.  Let’s figure out who needs what.  Val, if you have extra space in your room for clothes, would you mind sharing?”

“No problem.  I’ll unpack my clothes
first.”

And so, even though the place wasn’t comfy cozy, I was going to make an effort to love it…to at least get used to it.  Maybe I could find a way to decorate the place without blowing a lot of money—maybe some cheap prints or something that reminded me of home.

So I knew the first step to making this place home was to unpack.  The second would be to find things that made me feel comfortable here, but first things first.  I had a little closet space and two empty dresser drawers that I said the guys could use.  Brad stressed that whoever decided to use it needed to make sure not to put stuff in there they’d “die without.”  He really
was
trying to protect me.  My dad would have been thrilled.