Bullet (30 page)

The guys liked my look.  I knew I’d match them, having seen them onstage before.  But I wasn’t ready for their reactions.
  “Val, you look great.”  That was Nick’s response.  His was more subdued than the rest.

Zane
:  “God, you look hot.”

Brad:  “Nice…I like the skin.”  Yeah…he’d already seen most of that.

Ethan:  “We gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick?”  And he didn’t seem like he was joking about that or happy either.  Like I cared.

Ethan planned to ride shotgun to Denver, but Brad told him quite emphatically that I was to ride next to him. 
“That seat belongs to our muse.”  I’d heard them call me that before, but I couldn’t remember when.  And Ethan was fuming about my sitting up front again.  Still, though, I could tell he was low key, and I was convinced he’d had a little pharmaceutical help with that.  I planned to ask one of the guys later—maybe even the next day—if they knew what was going on with him.

On the trip there, we tried to laugh and joke, but I was nervous.  Brad turned up the music off and on, I think to try to get my mind off it.  But it didn’t help.  It was even worse feeling like our rehearsals had stunk.

Brad stopped in Colorado Springs at Burger King and urged us to get something to eat.  I told him I was too nervous.

“Val…if you don’t eat, you’re not
gonna have the energy you need.  Eat
something
.”  So I got one of their chicken sandwiches and fries and managed to eat half before I decided I was done.

And the closer we got to Denver, the more nervous I got.  I can barely remember unpacking the van and setting up.  We were slated as the first act of the evening, and I don’t know if that helped or not.  Knowing I could get it over with sooner was good, but I don’t know that I’d ever been that nervous about anything in my entire life.  Various limbs on my body were either numb or tingly due to an overdose of adrenaline.

Once we were set up, all the guys were checking their instruments.  I stood off stage, not ready to put myself out there.  We still had fifteen minutes before show time, and the place was filling up.  It made the big bar in Winchester look like a bathroom.

I tried pacing but didn’t know that it helped either, so I just stood with my back against the wall near the stairs.  Ethan started walking my way, still wearing his guitar strapped over his body.  He stopped in front of me.  Before he said anything, I examined his eyes.  I thought maybe now he was sober, but I couldn’t be sure.  He seemed lucid.  “Are you
gonna be okay?”

“Yeah…” 
Really, though, I wasn’t too sure.

With one smooth motion, he pushed his guitar so that the strap carried it
around to hang on his back, and then he put his hands around my waist.  “You’ll do
fine
, Val.”  And then he kissed me.  At first, I was taken aback and unsure, but then I gave in.  In the short time we’d dated—and even more recently—Ethan had never kissed me like this.  His kisses, while thrilling, had never been full of unbridled passion and promise.  But this one was.  This kiss was deep and hard, and he held nothing back, and it completely took me out of the moment.  One second I was freaking out about the upcoming performance and the next I was transported.  So when he stopped, it took me a moment to open my eyes and let myself come back to the present.

But he wasn’t done.  I don’t know if it was because of the look in my eyes or the expression on my entire face, the one of having had my breath taken away, but he kissed me again then
and nearly knocked me down.  I might have been in shock the first time and frozen, but the second time I was thawed and moving.  I wound my fingers into the hair at his temples and let him have me.  For the first time since he’d walked away from me, I felt myself at his mercy again.  And just like that, he was completely forgiven and back in my good graces.  I shouldn’t have made it that easy, but he just so happened to give me what I needed in that vulnerable moment, and I responded.

This time when the kiss ended, he again waited for me to open my eyes.  And then Ethan was like a new person to me.  Gone were all the bitter, angry feelings I’d had pent up about him over the last few months.  It was as though none of that had ever happened.  He said, “You
gonna be okay?”

My voice was barely a whisper.  “Yeah.”

He nodded and smiled and then let go of me and walked back onstage.  I just watched him, and then I saw Brad looking over at me.  I didn’t know if he’d seen any of it, but I couldn’t even bring myself to smile.

And then it hit me.  I went straight outside and threw up what I’d eaten at dinner.

* * *

It was a blur, and to this day, I don’t remember everything about my first real show.  I can remember some details, but big chunks are almost missing from my memory.  That was my brain’s way of dealing with it.  My voice was a little shaky on the first verse of the first song, but I let the music take over and guide me.  And it did.  Throw into that a frenzied crowd
moshing and headbanging at my feet, and suddenly I was part of the concert too, just having a good time.

And our earlier rehearsals were no indication of how we’d perform.  Suddenly, we were on; we were in sync, and we were smooth.  I didn’t hear a single bad note or mistimed drum beat.  To boot, it was almost like we could psychically read each other.  And it was only our first show.  As we walked off stage to cheers and whistles, I wondered what
more time together would do for us.  I still didn’t quite feel like I was a full-fledged member of the band, even though a good many of the words I’d been singing were mine.  I felt like I had to grow with them; this concert was the first step.  After all the stress, worry, and nerves, I was now ready for more.  I wanted to see how we would evolve together.  I wanted to enjoy the crowds, the feeling of the music flowing through my body as I belted out the tune.  I looked forward to relishing the moment.

That night, we went to a
cheap ass hotel.  Brad had already explained to me that once he paid the last of the expenses (and that was usually the hotel room and he’d hold back some for gas), he’d split up what was left among the band.  I went in with him and told him I had to get my own room.  “That’ll double the cost, Val.  We’ll make sure you have your own bed.”

The clerk said, “We can get you a cot.  Then you’ll have three beds.”

I considered it.  I really did.  But I knew these guys would get rowdy and party, and if any of them picked up girls like they often did, I did
not
want to have to try to sleep through it.  Then there was the sticky issue of sharing a shower and all that good stuff.  So I pulled the goody-two-shoes card.  “I promised my dad, Brad. 
My dad
.”

He looked at me and sighed.  “All right.”

“But I’ll pay for it.  I don’t want to cut into our earnings.”

“Fuck that.”  He glanced over at the clerk who just smiled.  “Oh, sorry.”  He looked back at me.  “No way.  You keep doing what you did tonight, you’ll be earning that goddamned room.”  He looked back at the clerk again, this time not apologizing for cursing and said, “I guess two rooms.  One a double, the other a single.  Any way you can get them close to each other?”

The clerk tapped on the old computer in front of her and said, “Yeah.  Next door.”

After Brad paid and we had the keys, we started walking back to the van.  “At least if we’re next to each other, there’s less chance of neighbors complaining about a noisy party.”

I raised my eyebrows and kept as straight a face as I could.  “That’s what
you
think.”

We got set up in our rooms, and the guys pulled the liquor out almost immediately, making me glad I’d insisted on my own room.  There were
no girls tonight (yet), but the men were going to be rowdy.  I enjoyed some time with them, though, until I was too tired to stay awake anymore.  But the guys assured me they were happy with their decision to bring me on board.  Ethan said, “Val, Brad and I were okay on vocals, but you blow us out of the water.  You’re exactly what we needed.”

Zane
joined in.  “Yeah, and you keep wearing shit like that, our fan base’ll grow a lot faster.”

I laughed.  They weren’t used to seeing me wear stuff like that, but I didn’t think my choice of clothes would make people, even men, appreciate our music any more.  It just enhanced the experience.

Had Ethan decided to get chummier with me that night—like he had earlier—I would have forced myself to stay awake longer.  But I was tired and told them good night.  Then they could go find girls if they needed to.  I just needed my rest.

I couldn’t sleep, though.  I was still on a performance high, and it would take me quite a while to fall asleep.  That and the noise from my
bandmates made it difficult.  But when I did sleep, I was still relishing my new role, and I could barely believe my good fortune.

I finally got up around eight.  I’d slept for shit and should have just gotten a cot with the guys.  I doubted I would have gotten less sleep.  But I jumped in the shower to get ready to head back home.  If the guys needed more time to sleep (and I suspected they would, and checkout wasn’t until eleven), I would do some writing.  I had a lot I needed to get on paper.

I’d gotten my makeup on but was still in just my panties and bra and had only combed out my hair when I got a text from Brad. 
U up?

I was surprised
he
was.  So I texted back. 
Yep.

Then a knock on the door.  I ran over and peeked through the peephole.  It was Brad.  I opened the door a crack.  “
Gimme a second.  I need to get dressed.”

He grinned.  “I could help you with that.”

“I’m sure you could.”

I closed the door and ran to my suitcase, grabbed a t-shirt and jeans and threw them on.  Then I let him in.  “So what’s up?”

“Jesus…those guys are trashed.  They’re gonna be fun on the drive home.  I need to get some breakfast and coffee and just wanted to know if you want to come with.”

“Sure.”  I slipped on shoes and pulled my hair in a ponytail
, and we were out the door.

We were quiet as he drove around looking for a place to eat.  He had the music loud, and that was okay. 
Brad was the kind of person I felt comfortable around, even when we had nothing to say to each other.

He found a diner just a couple of miles from our motel.  As he parked, he turned the music down and asked, “This okay?”

“Yeah.  It’s fine.”

Within minutes, we were seated, had placed our orders, and had hot cups of coffee…just what we both needed.  And I saw that as my opportunity—no better time than now to broach the subject I knew needed discussion.  “Um…about last night…”

He looked at me then and shook his head.  “No…Val, we don’t need to do this.”

Considering a little over a week ago, I’d almost lost my virginity to him, yes, we did.
  Just a few days later, and he’d seen me right back in Ethan’s arms, a slave to his best friend’s charms.  I looked at him and, my voice low, said, “I’d like to.”

He looked down in
to the black liquid in his cup, considering my words.  Without looking at me, he sighed and then said, “I knew what I was up against.”  Then he lifted his eyes to mine.  “I
know
where your heart is, and I chose to take that chance anyway.”  He took another deep breath and those eyes…they bored into me with an intensity I’d rarely experienced in my short life.  “I told you…I’m a patient man.”  If he’d been a football player, he’d be tackling me right now, knocking the wind out of me, crushing me.  But I realized what he was referring to—his promise to me months ago that he would wait for me to get over Ethan.  And what if I never did?  Had he thought about that?

No matter what the case, I felt as though Brad and I were becoming close friends.  I trusted him more than I had
anyone else in my short adult life.  Brad had always been honest but caring, and I respected the hell out of him too.  He was driven and motivated.  I liked the other guys in the band, but when it came to accomplishing goals, Brad had it all over them.

Ethan…he was another story.  Why he had such a hold over me, I couldn’t figure.  But he did, and Brad had known it from the beginning.  It had never been a secret from him.
  There was something unspoken between Brad and me…somehow we knew a lot about what each other was thinking and feeling.  I didn’t know how it had happened, but it had.

But I sat there, no words rushing to my lips.  What was I supposed to say? 
Gee, Brad…thanks for waiting for me while I pine over another man.
  I grabbed for my coffee cup and noticed my hand was shaking.  But I wanted to say more.  “Still…whether I’d expected what you saw or not…I’m sure you didn’t appreciate seeing that.”

I couldn’t read him, not right then.  I saw his jaw grow tense…or maybe it was my imagination.  “Doesn’t matter.  It was a good reminder.”

Oh, God…I really
had
hurt him.  Pretty badly, from the looks of it.  “Hey…”  I touched his hand with mine.  He didn’t pull away.  “You are…one of the best men I know.”  And then I shut up, because anything else I’d say after that would sound fucking lame.  If he was so great, why was I shitting all over him?