Broken (11 page)

“
I can handle him,” I said
adamantly. “Him and I . . . We have a history. I want you to leave
before Danny calls the cops. You know how he is about fighting in
here.”

“
Are you sure you know
what you are doing? I swear to fucking God, Leila, I will knock his
fucking block off for you.”

His words brought a small smile to my
face. “I know you would Justin and I really appreciate that, but
what I really need you to do is go.”

He lifted my chin with his fingers. “I
am doing this only because you asked me nicely,” he said with a
smile and then kissed my lips gently.

Justin backed away from me slowly and
raised his hand pointing directly at Garrett, “You’re lucky mother
fucker.”

“
Justin,” I said raising
my voice.

Raising his hands up like he was
surrendering. “Alright, I’m outta here. You have my number if you
need me,” he said loudly, staring Garrett down. “If you hurt her,
I’ll fucking kill you.”

Once I knew for sure
Justin was leaving I quickly spun around to face Garrett. “Who the
fuck do you think you are? You have no right to call me a whore!” I
began walking toward him. “How dare you come in here and judge me,
I am
not
your
girlfriend. You made that perfectly clear four years ago. Just
remember you were the one that left me. You deserted me when I
needed you the most. Did you think I was going to be celibate for
the rest of my life? That I was going to pine over you?”

I could tell by the look on his face
my words hurt him. A crowd of people began to surround us. I felt
like the walls were closing in on me, and I started to see spots.
The atmosphere was real thick in the bar, and I needed fresh air. I
took off out the front door and ran as fast as I could down the
sidewalk. Tears were falling, and I started to gasp as if I was
going to hyperventilate. I couldn’t catch my breath. I bent over,
my hands on my thighs and my head down, taking deep
breathes.

“
Leila!” I heard from
behind me. I could tell by the tone in Garrett's voice, he was
furious.

“
Go away and leave me
alone!” I screamed, “Haven’t you hurt me enough? I have been trying
to get over you so please just let me go.”

“
Oh, yeah . . . It took
you a real long time to get over me?”
He
screamed.

“
What the fuck are you
talking about?”

“
Oh, please don’t act so
innocent. You say I deserted you, how long did it take you to start
sleeping with other guys?” He yelled.

His words cut me like a razor. I tried
to slap him, but he stepped back. “I’m not going to listen to your
bullshit Garrett! You are the one who left. You may not have liked
the decision I made, but it was my choice. You walked away and left
me here to deal with everything. I hope you have had fun these last
few years. Take a good look at what you have created. . . . A
drunken whore. ”

“
You think I have been on
vacation for the last four years? You betrayed me. You said we
would talk about things. Instead you went behind my back. I
couldn’t look at you. I was out of my mind. I needed to get away
from you... From us. The only way for me to do that was to leave.
So I joined the Marines. I needed time to clear my head.” He
paused, considering his next words. “While I was at boot camp, I
realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life leaving
you.”

“
Oh please. Don’t give me
that bullshit. You knew my phone number. You could have called me,”
I yelled back. I was not backing down from this and was now
enraged.

He took a step towards me and tried to
take my hand. I shoved him back with all my strength.

“
Leila! Please . . . Just
listen to me. . .” His voice cracked. “As soon as my basic training
was over, I was on the next flight home. I drove by your house, but
no one was there. I called Nicole to find out where you were. She
told me you were at the fair. I went to find you because I needed
to see you, to hold you. You were all I thought about while I was
gone. When I found you at the fair you were all over some guy. He
was groping you and you were kissing him. I nearly died. I wanted
to kill him for touching you. But I knew that wouldn’t bring you
back to me.”

His words threw me, and I felt like
the wind had been knocked out of me. “You were there?” I said in
the faintest whisper.

That night came rushing back to
me.

It was my freshman year at
WSU and Amy begged me to go out on a double date with her and Bill.
I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t in the mood. She pleaded her best
case. “Come on, you will love Jonathan. He is super nice and hot.”
She was giving me her puppy dog eyes and pouting.

“
Fine, I will go,” I
huffed.

Amy squealed and jumped up
and down. “We are going to have so much fun. I promise,” she said,
hugging me.

Amy and I walked over to
Bill and Jonathan’s dorm. They were both juniors and lived in the
apartments on campus. As we entered their building, Bill was
waiting for us in the lobby. He said Jonathan wasn’t ready, and we
should come up for a couple of beers. I shot Amy a look. She
shrugged her shoulders, gave me a cheesy grin and dragged me down
the hallway by my hand.

As we entered their
apartment, I immediately noticed how much more space they had than
our dorm. It was like an actual apartment. Bill and Jonathan each
had their own separate bedrooms. There was an actual kitchen and a
cute, little living room. Since, I was only a freshman, this was
the first time I had ever seen one of these apartments. The
apartments on campus are only offered to the juniors and seniors. I
was in awe of the size and thought to myself maybe I would enjoy on
campus living if I actually had my own bedroom.

We made our way into the
living room, Amy and I sat on the couch. Bill walked over and
handed each of us a red Solo cup. I had never been a big drinker
but who was I to spoil everyone’s fun.

I lifted the cup to my
mouth and took a drink. I nearly spat it out and looked up at Bill
and asked, “What the hell is this?”

He smiled at me. “It’s a
Long Island Iced Tea.”

“
Jesus, it’s strong,” I
winced.

“
Take another drink,” he
replied back. “The second one always goes down easier.”

I took another drink. He
was right. It went down much easier. After a few more sips, I could
feel my body starting to feel warmed up and I wasn’t as tense. I
felt like I had a little “glow.”

Jonathan had finally
emerged from the bathroom. He walked into the living with just a
towel wrapped around his waist. He stood about five feet nine
inches. His torso was long and lean, and his body was perfect. He
had piercing blue eyes and medium length dirty blonde hair that had
a touch of a wave to it. On his left arm and shoulder, he had some
sort of a tribal tattoo. I blushed a bit as he stood
there.

“
Oh, shit! Why didn’t you
tell me you guys were here,” he said to Bill. Bill looked at him
and burst out laughing.

“
Dude, I figured you heard
us come through the door.” Jonathan grabbed a Solo cup and headed
into his bedroom.

Amy leaned over to me and
whispered, “See, I told you he was hot.” I looked back at her. She
had a huge smile on her face. I gave her a little smile back. I
honestly was not ready to go on a date. Garrett and I had only been
broken up for about three months. My heart was still shattered. I
figured I would make the best of tonight. We were just going to
hang out at the fair. It wasn’t an engagement or
anything.

Jonathan came out of his
room wearing a WSU t-shirt and a pair of jeans that fit him very
well. He made his way towards me and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m
Jonathan. Sorry about earlier. I don’t usually come out in a towel
when company is here.”

I looked at him and
giggled. “I’m Leila,” I said sheepishly.

We hung around their
apartment for another twenty minutes while we finished our drinks.
As we got ready to head out the door, Bill grabbed Amy’s and my
cups and refilled them. “Here you go ladies, one for the
road.”

By this time I was feeling
pretty good and very, very relaxed. Amy links her arm through mine
and raised her glass and said, “Cheers.” I smiled back at her and
played along.

By the time we got to the
fair, my cup was empty, and I was feeling much better about going
out and having fun. The four of us walked around the fair looking
at all the different attractions. We went to see the “World’s
Smallest Horse” and “The Unicorn Cow.” We made our way through the
Midway watching the little kids ride the rides. Their joy and
laughter made me smile. It had been so long since I had laughed
like that.

Jonathan pulled me closer
to him. “You ok?” He asked.

“
Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I
shrugged.

He grabbed my hand. “Come
on, I know what will make you happy,” he dragged me down the Midway
to the games. We walked up to the dart game and he pointed up to
all the stuffed animals. “Pick a prize. I’ll win it for
you.”

I turned to him and
laughed. “No, you don’t have to do that.”

“
I know I don’t have to .
. . I want to. I want to make you smile. You have a beautiful
smile,” he said as he gently rubbed my arm.

My body tensed, and my
heart dropped. I suddenly felt guilt wash over me. I shouldn’t be
here. Jonathan felt my sudden change. He took my hand. “Hey, it’s
ok. We are here to have fun. You want that big, pink kitty
cat?”

I felt a smile forming. He
was right we were here to have a good time. Why am I beating myself
up, I’m not doing anything wrong? “Yes, the big, pink kitty!” I
said excitedly.

As we walked through the
fair, Jonathan stopped at the beer tent and bought us some beers.
The alcohol was easing my guilt, and I was really starting to let
go. I turned to him and said, “Let’s go on some rides!”

He had a huge grin on his
face, and we ran back to the Midway, like two little kids. We rode
the roller coaster, the water ride, and went into a few fun houses.
When we came off our last ride, he picked me up and spun me around.
He let me down slowly, and we were face to face. I started to feel
a bit light headed and flushed. I wasn’t sure if it was the buzz or
the fact that I really liked him. His face slowly moved towards
mine, and I put my lips on his and kissed him hard. He began
kissing me back with just as much force. My heart was pumping, and
my body was tingling. I realized my pain was gone, just like that.
I had found something to wash it away. . . . Alcohol and
sex.

I continued to explain to Garrett
everything that had happened that night. Jonathan wasn’t my
boyfriend. I had gone out on a double date with my roommate and her
boyfriend. “I didn’t want to go, he meant nothing to me,” I cried
softly.

“
Oh, Leila, I’m...I didn’t
know. I saw you there with him and it killed me inside. I thought
you had moved on,” he said to me caressing my face.

“
After I saw you there
with him, I shut down. I felt nothing. At first I got drunk a lot
but that didn’t help. I was so sick of not feeling anything. I
decided to inflict pain on myself. I decided to get a tattoo. As
soon as the needle hit my skin I could feel again. It was like a
drug. I couldn’t stop. I would feel good for a while until the pain
faded away. Then there was emptiness again. I would have to go back
to get another one, just to feel something––anything,” he said with
sorrow in his voice.

Thoughts were rushing through my head.
I clenched my eyes shut. I was so angry at him and myself. To know
he had come back for me, and I was with another guy. I felt
nauseous. I began to cough and gag. I needed to get away. I turned
to leave, but he grabbed my arm.

“
Don’t walk away from me,”
he said.

I could smell alcohol on his breath.
He pulled me towards him, and I shoved him with all my might.
“Don’t touch me,” I cried. My chest was heaving.

I couldn’t bear to be face to face
with him. I wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt me. “Why don’t you
go back to your girlfriend?” I yelled. “You seemed to be having a
great time hanging all over her at the wedding and the
club!”

I turned my back to him, but he
grabbed me again and spun me around. I went to slap him again, this
time, he caught me by the wrist.

“
Don’t push me away,” he
said calmly.

I looked him straight in the eyes and
said, “I hate you.” He flinched. Then he pushed me against the wall
and I shoved him back. “I said don’t fucking touch me!” I
yelled.

He came at me again, pinned my arms to
the wall and kissed me. I could taste the Jack Daniels on his
tongue. I tried to fight him. However he was too strong. I tried to
hold my tears back but they began to roll down my
cheeks.

He pulled me closer to him and lifted
me up. I wrapped my legs around him to try to squeeze him to let me
go, but it didn’t work.

“
Babe, don’t fight me,”
his voice was a raspy whisper.

He kissed me again. My emotions were
all over the place. I hated him but at the same time I didn’t want
him to stop. I tried to push him off, but he wouldn’t budge. He
kept kissing me hard. I finally gave in and kissed him back. When
we came up for air, my head was spinning. His chest was heaving and
he was trying to catch his breath, and I felt like I was going to
faint. I closed my eyes tightly taking a deep breath. Was this
really happening?