Broken (19 page)

"Yes I can. It is the best for everybody,"
she said.

I shook my head desperately. "No. No it is not
good for anyone. You belong here. This is your home."

She sighed. "I don't belong with you, Chris. I
never did. I loved you, I really did. Hell if I am even still capable of loving
then I think I still love you. And that's why I am leaving you. I've had a lot
of time to think about this. This is my decision. This is the way I want
it."

She turned her back at me and grabbed the handle on
the suitcase.

I grabbed her arm. It was only skin and bone. I had to
restrain myself in order to not hurt her. She was that fragile. "Why won't
you just let me help you? We can fight this. There is a lot of new medication
out there that is helping people. They say that in a few years they think that
they will find a medication that will make people be able to live with this for
years without being sick. We have money. We can pay the best doctors and try
all kinds of research medicine. I have connections. I can get you everything
you need."

Heather shook her head heavily. She started coughing
that terrifying cough that I still remember vividly even this many years later.
Then she spoke. "I don't want to be a lab rat for some experimental drug.
I am dying, Chris and there is not a damn thing you can do about it."

"Yes. Yes there is. Don't you realize it? This is
1993. Doctors know a lot more than they did ten years ago."

"But they still don't know how to cure me,"
she said. "I read the papers too. Thousands die from this disease every
year. And even if I were to live a few more years because of some drug, even if
I did, then I would be an outcast. Everybody would flee from me as soon as they
realized. People think they can get it from a mosquito-bite for Christ sake. I
can't even hide it any longer. I started having rashes in my face. It shows
that I am sick. It is obvious to anyone who sees me. Nobody wants to be in a
room with an AIDS patient. Because what if. What if the doctors are wrong and
you can actually get it from breathing the same air or maybe if I was to sneeze
at someone.
 
People are scared,
Chris. And I am the monster they are afraid of. As of this year AIDS has become
the leading cause of deaths among persons twenty-five to forty-four years old
in this country. That's me, Chris. I will soon be part of that statistic. When
I am gone I will be just one more number on that list."

"But you don't have to leave me because of it.
I’ll take care of you. If only you'd let me." I heard my own voice
stutter.

Heather had tears in her eyes when she spoke.
"How can I do that to you? I want you to go out and live your life. Go
have the life you always wanted. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I am the
one holding you back. I always have been. Well, now you're free."

"And what about William? Aren't you even going to
say goodbye to him?" A string of tears escaped the corner of my eye. I
couldn't hold them back any longer.

"I don't want him to see me like this. I don't
want him to see me die, Chris. Tell him I’m already dead. It's easier that
way."

"I can't do that!"

"Well you have to." Heather started walking,
dragging the suitcase after her.

"Just like that, huh? How can you throw away ten
years? Ten years we have been together. We are married, we have a child, and we
share history. We are a family."

"I am sorry, Chris. I truly am. But this is the
only way I can deal with this. This is the only way for me."

"Where will you go?"

"It is best you don't know. I will not tell you.
You’ll only come looking for me and I don't want you to. I am going to hide
somewhere until I die." Heather was crying now and trying desperately to
hide it.

"But ... But. Will you be going to your parent’s house?"

"It is best you don't know where I am. But no. I
am not going home to my parents. Tell them that I have died."

"I can't do that," I said. "I refuse to
lie to them like that. Or to William. How do you expect me to do this? To pick
up the pieces after you?" I was also crying now. Mostly for William's
fragile heart, but also for my own sake. I did love Heather and I desperately
wanted to help her, to be there for her to the end. That was after all my
promises to her when we got married. "I am not going to do it!"

Heather walked towards the front door. Then she turned
and looked at me. She was so pale I could almost see through her skin and spot
every vein in her face.

"Goodbye Chris."

"Don't you dare walk out that door!" I
yelled after her as she opened it and stepped outside. My voice had become
high-pitched, its shriek echoed in the empty hall of our house. I ran after her
still yelling. "I tell you if you leave this house you'll never get to see
your son again. Do you hear me? Do you?"

She did, but she didn't care. I received one last look
from her as she got in the car and started the engine. A few seconds later I
watched her as she drove off into the street while leaving me on the stairs
feeling helplessly lonely and abandoned.

I stayed home from the
clinic that day. I called Julie and let her know what had happened. That
Heather had left me and I needed a day to get myself back together. I told her
to let my patients know how sorry I was but there had been a family emergency.
That wasn't a complete lie.

I ran upstairs to our bedroom where Heather had hidden
herself for weeks. I pulled away the curtains and opened all windows to let
fresh air and light take over this room that smelled like human decay. Then I
pulled all bed sheets and pillowcases off the bed and threw it all in one pile
when I heard Sarah come back. She had been grocery shopping and I heard her in
the kitchen putting away all the groceries. She came upstairs and gasped as she
saw the empty bed.

"Heather has left us," I said speaking
harshly.

Sarah looked at me surprised. I very seldom spoke
angrily to her. But at this moment I was more than angry. I was furious.
Devastated and frantic. "Could you help me? We need the room to be
completely cleaned. I want every trace of her out of this house. I want all of
her clothes and her stuff packed up in boxes and piled in the guestroom ready
for her or her parents to pick up. I want every bottle of alcohol and every
vial of pills removed from this house, burned or thrown away I don't care. I just
want anything that will ever remind me of her or of what she has done to us -
gone for eternity. I never want her name mentioned in this house again. I even
want her smell gone," I said and grabbed a perfume bottle that she had
left behind. I looked at it for a few seconds before I threw it against the
wall and smashed it to pieces.

"Of course," Sarah nodded and began helping
me with the sheets.

I began pulling Heather's dresses from the closet.
Sarah brought some old boxes that we had used the last time we moved and we
started stuffing them with Heather's things. It felt good. It felt so good to
get rid of it all. If this was the way she wanted things to end, then this was
how she was going to get it. I had tried enough; I had begged her to let me help
her, pleaded with her to stay for William's sake if not for mine. If that
wasn't enough to make her stay, then I couldn't do anymore. I didn't want to do
anymore. I was fed up.

"So what are you planning on telling
William?" Sarah asked while stuffing more of Heather's expensive dresses
into a box.

"I think it is time I told him the truth."

"He has been asking questions lately, you
know," Sarah said.

"What kind of questions?" I asked.

" ‘Why doesn't my mom want to let me into her
room? Why doesn't she want to see me anymore?’ Things like that."

I swallowed hard. "Of course. He is a smart kid.
Why wouldn't he start asking questions? I just don't know how much to tell him.
It will break his heart."

Sarah shrugged. "Or give him peace at heart. It
is the not knowing that makes you uncertain and insecure."

I nodded. Then I tore a dress off the hangar and
caused it to rip. I sighed and threw it in a garbage bag. "I guess you're
right. I was only trying to protect him."

"I know you were," Sarah said with the hint
of a smile. "You're a good man, Chris. And you're an even greater father.
But children know when something is going on. They sense it. Sometimes they
even know it before their parents do."

I closed a box with a deep sigh and carried it
downstairs to put in a pile with the rest of Heather's stuff. When we were done
the house seemed almost empty and I realized how little in this house really
belonged to me.

I picked up William from
school later that same day. He ran towards me when I entered his classroom. I
found his backpack and took him in my arms as we walked out towards the car.

"
Is
everything okay, Far?" he asked. "Has something happened?"

I sighed and put him down. I opened the car and let
him jump into the backseat. Then I got in as well and looked at him in the
rearview mirror. His face showed concern and anxiety. I should have known from
my own experience that Sarah was right. Not knowing could create all kinds of
scenarios in a child's mind. Fear could create the worst thoughts in your head.

I turned around in my seat and looked at him. His eyes
were flickering and afraid. I reached out my hand and took his in mine.

"William. Mommy has left."

William's eyes grew wide and big.

"She is not coming back," I continued.

"Left? But ...?"

"I know it is a lot right now, but you and I
buddy, we will go through this together, alright? I need you to be strong for
me. We men stick together and we will be fine, okay?"

"But where did she go?"

I exhaled deeply. "I don't know. She wouldn't
tell me."

"But who is going to kiss her? She needs kisses
to make her feel better." His little voice was starting to shake.

A tear rolled down William's cheek. I wiped it off
with my finger. "I don't know, buddy. I don't know."

William went quiet for a while. He stared at the floor
trying to avoid my gaze, like he didn't want me to see that he was sad. "I
miss her," he said.

"Yeah. Me too. But she hasn't been well for a
while. Maybe getting away for a while might help her a little. Help her feel
better."

"Can I go visit her?"

I sighed deeply. "To tell you the truth, then I
don't know. It might take a while before she is ready. She is still very tired
and weak from being sick this long."

"Will I ever see her again?" William's voice
broke as he spoke.

My heart skipped a beat. I had no idea how to answer
that. "I hope so," was what I said. "I truly hope so,
buddy."

William nodded still avoiding my eyes. He was sobbing
quietly. I held his hand tight in mine. "Look at me, William. Look at
me," I said.

He lifted his gaze and stared into my eyes. It broke
my heart seeing him like this. I knew what it was like to feel abandoned.
"You and me, William. We will be fine, okay? You and I we will always have
each other and nothing will ever change that. Do you understand? Mom is very
sick and she isn’t thinking right, okay? It is not her fault. She doesn't know
what she is doing. She is just really
really
sad and
I know that she misses you just as much as you miss her. But for her sake we
have to be strong right now. And together we will be. Okay? Can I count on
you?"

William sniffed. Then he nodded.

"Pinky promise?" I asked and reached out my
pinky.

William nodded again and hooked his pinky into mine.
"Pinky promise," he said.

Then we drove home to Sarah.

Chapter 23

It
didn't make a
big difference in our lives that Heather
was gone. As a matter of fact everything settled a little once we returned to
our daily lives and got some structure into it. The constant worrying wore off
and was replaced by anger inside of me, anger towards her for leaving us, for
abandoning William and crushing his heart. I thought about her a lot and I knew
William did too. Each night he asked if I had heard from her or if I thought
she was okay. One night he asked if Mom was in the forest like Snow White and
lived with the dwarfs. The thought gave him some peace and assurance because he
knew they would take good care of her and keep her safe. I let him stay in the
fairy tale world since it enabled him to let go of her easier.