Broken (17 page)

Aiyana
was breathing through her mouth when she started laughing.

"What?" I said.

"Nothing." She continued to laugh but her
eyes were tearing up.

I walked a few steps closer to her. "Are you
alright?" I asked.

She wiped a tear from her eye with a finger.
"It's just this crazy life," she said. "I thought. I thought you
..." She stopped.

"So did I," I laughed. "I thought
something really bad had happened to you." I grabbed her hand and guided
her back to the chair. "Are you alright?" I asked again while
caressing her long brown hair. The subtle smell of jasmine filled my nostrils.
She nodded. "Just a lot going on lately. But I'll be fine. As soon as
Luyu
is through this operation and is all right."

We turned and looked at our children. They were
playing with some stuffed animals that
Luyu
had
brought in her backpack while they were still holding each other's hands. I
chuckled.

"Look at them," I said. "It's like
they’ve known each other their entire lives."

Aiyana
looked at me. I sensed it and turned my head. Her light brown eyes shone bright
in the dark room. My heart was beating faster. "Like you and I they share
a destiny," she said.

I sighed and held her hand tight. "Some destiny,
huh?"

Aiyana
smiled. What astonishing things her smile could do to me. "I like our
destiny," she whispered.

"I do too," I said and meant it. Even though
it was dangerous meeting like that at night I had to admit I loved it. I loved
who we were, I loved what we were, and I loved what being a jaguar made me
capable of. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I didn't like being scared
like I had been this night. I never wanted to feel like that again.

She put her hand on my shoulder. I looked into her
eyes. Then I grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her close before I pressed
my lips against hers. At first she stiffened, and then she relaxed and kissed
me back, before she finally pulled me away with a gasp. Her fingertips touched
my face gently, and then she pulled her body backward and stared at me with
strict eyes.

"Christian," she said her voice shaking.
"We can't do that."

I looked at the children. They were playing and hadn't
noticed anything. I leaned forward reaching out for her and then stopped.
"
Aiyana
. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have
..."

She shook her head. "No, Christian. I understand.
I have led you to believe ..." she sighed and looked at
Luyu
. "We are both married and have children. It's
just not right."

"I know. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I was being
selfish." I turned my head and looked at the children playing on the
carpet. "Today is about
Luyu
."

Aiyana
smiled and looked at her daughter. I glanced at William and enjoyed the pure
delight in his eyes and laughter.

Nothing could make him happier than this moment.

Chapter 21

It was
with slightly
shaking hands that I picked up my
instruments to begin operating on
Luyu's
eyes. I had
held her hand while a pediatric anesthesiologist gave her the anesthetic and
now she was sound asleep and unable to feel anything. She was lying on the
operating table with a breathing tube in her mouth while
Aiyana
held her hand. I had told William to stay outside with one of the nurses while
I operated. A nurse assisted me and another was keeping an eye on
Luyu's
heartbeat and breathing.

"When you have cataract it’s like when you have a
spot of dirt on your camera lens," I explained to
Aiyana
.

She looked at me with worried eyes while holding her
daughter's hand tightly. My explanation seemed to calm her down slightly so I
decided to talk my way through the surgery and let her know exactly what I was
doing.

"The lens of the eye is actually very similar to
the lens of a camera," I continued. "It helps you focus on objects
both near and far away. To work well the lens must be clear. So basically what
I am going to do now is to remove the cloudy lens from both eyes and replace it
with a plastic lens called an intraocular. Okay?"

Aiyana
nodded and I began the procedure. I made a small incision on the surface of the
right eye near the clear part of the eye called the cornea. Then I inserted a
small instrument into the incision and removed the cloudy lens. All the while I
spoke to
Aiyana
and told her what I was doing.

"Now I am going to insert the new lens," I
said.

Aiyana
looked at me closely as I carefully inserted the intraocular lens. She seemed
calm yet worried. Then I moved on to the left eye and started the procedure all
over. While I worked I managed for once to keep every other voice out of my
head and focus only on hers and I managed to hear words, even sentences and
feelings coming from her mind. It wasn't hard to decipher. I was in her mind. I
was happy to learn that she felt safe in my hands. I sensed how much she loved
her daughter and was moved by how she was willing to sacrifice anything for
her. It was probably going to cost her something if her husband Michael found
out she had gone behind his back. There was a fear for him in her mind that I
had a hard time escaping. I felt it along with her and it saddened me that she
had to live like that. I saw pictures of him and her that caused me to shiver.
Images of him yelling and throwing her books around and ripping some of them to
pieces while telling her that he never wanted to catch her reading that crap
again, that it was messing with her mind and gave her ideas a married woman
shouldn't have. He yelled that he never wanted to see her reading or writing
again. Or else he wouldn't answer for the consequences. She was supposed to
have eyes for only him. Then he grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Why
can't you just love me? Why?" he cried.

Then I saw
Aiyana
picking up
the mess after he had left the house in anger. She was cleaning the ripped
pages from the floor and taping them back together - the ones she could - and
hiding them in a closet because the one thing she did love in this world was to
read and write. It was her passion and he wasn't going to keep her away from
that no matter how jealous he was. She was just going to do it while he wasn't
there. I caught myself chuckling lightly.
Aiyana
had
her ways and she wasn't going to let anyone tell her what to do and what not to
do. I knew that much. But then other images appeared that deeply troubled me.
Images of her husband sitting in a chair on the porch drinking while she
watched him from the house. In his hand was one of the taped-together books
that he had found going through her stuff in an act of anger and jealousy
expecting to find something that could prove to him that she had been cheating.
Michael tapped it on his knees while emptying the glass. Then he got up and
walked towards
Aiyana
. She stepped backwards with a
gasp as he opened the screen door. His eyes stared at her maliciously while he
held the book up in front of her face asking her "what this was supposed
to mean?" My heart skipped a beat as I saw him slap her across the face
with the book. I turned and looked at her and detected a tear in the corner of
her eye.
Luyu
was still breathing calmly.

While I was listening in on
Aiyana's
mind I sensed that she was doing the same thing to me too. Somehow in a strange
way we had an encounter, a meeting inside of each other's minds. It was
wonderful. Beautiful really. Like we were one and the same person. All that we
couldn't say out loud because there were others in the room or because it was
too difficult to express was suddenly shared in this extraordinary way. She
soon knew about my troubles with Heather, her drinking and her illness and I
understood that her marriage was in trouble as well. She was afraid of her
husband's anger. Suddenly I could feel every emotion, every feeling she had and
I got to know her in a completely new and meaningful way.

The half an hour we spent together in that room
talking and listening in on each other's thoughts while I operated was really
precious to me. I enjoyed being able to do something to help her and her
daughter. I had studied for so many years and for once I was able to use it to
do something really valuable. For the first time I didn't feel like it had been
a waste of my life to become an eye-surgeon.

"Now these new artificial lenses come in
different strengths, just like glasses and we will have to do several
measurements to decide which lens strength is right for
Luyu
,"
I said when I had closed the incision with a stitch. One of the nurses removed
my instruments to have them cleaned and sterilized. Another took off my
surgical gloves and threw them out.

"I will have to see her again tomorrow for a
follow up."

"Of course,"
Aiyana
said. She looked so incredibly beautiful right at that moment sitting next to
her sleeping daughter while a ray of sun hit her face from the window and
caused her eyes to glow. She was so fragile, so vulnerable, yet sturdy and
resilient.
 
She was determined for
her daughter's sake. She wasn't going to let fear stop her. She was radiant. I
think I loved her more at that moment than I ever had before.

"Now we will bring
Luyu
to the recovery room and wait together for her to wake up." I signaled the
nurse to start moving
Luyu
. "Once she is awake
we will put a patch over her eyes to protect them, and we will provide a set of
dark sunglasses that she must wear until I see her tomorrow," I said as we
walked down a hallway on the way to the recovery room. "The patch can be
removed when she goes to bed tonight. She will feel like she has something in
her eyes for the next twenty-four hours. You can give her Tylenol to relieve
any discomfort."

"
Luyu
!"

William's voice echoed in the hallway. He came running
from behind and caught up with us. I turned and saw the nurse taking care of
him trying to catch up.

"I am so sorry, Dr.
Langaa
.
I couldn't keep him any longer. He wanted to see her so badly. So when he saw
you leave the room he ..."

"It's okay Mrs. Patterson. I’ll take him from
here. He can go with us to recovery. Thank you."

William's eyes shone like small stars when he looked
at
Luyu
even if she was unable to look back at him. I
studied my son's affectionate gaze as we walked into the recovery room and
placed
Luyu
close to the window even if she wouldn't
be able to see the clinic's park once she woke up.

"Now all we have to do is wait," I said to
Aiyana
. "We have to monitor her closely to make sure
that everything is working the way it should be. The pediatric anesthesiologist
will come and have a look at her as soon as she is awake and seems alert. We
need to make sure that she is stable."

"When can I play with her?" William asked.

"She can come out of the bed as soon as she is
awake and can keep some liquid down. But I’m not sure she’ll be ready to play
yet. She cannot see because of the patches and she might feel a little sick
when she wakes up but that'll wear off."

"I'll get the animals ready just in case,"
William said and started unpacking the stuffed animals from
Luyu's
backpack and placing them in a circle on the floor.

Aiyana
and I sat in the chair under the window. She was smiling. I think I was too.
Just her mere presence filled me with joy.

"I am sorry to hear about Heather," she
said.

I exhaled. "Me too. I have no idea how to help
her. I want her to get the right treatment, see some more doctors, but so far
she doesn't even want to talk to me. It's like she has completely given up the
fight."

"But you can't give up on her,"
Aiyana
said. "She needs you now more than ever."

I stared at her with a deep sigh. "I don't want
to give up on her. I am a doctor. I believe that the right treatment could
prolong her life. She is my wife even if we have had our problems. She is
William's mother. I feel horrible for putting him through this."

"I can understand that," she said while
looking at
Luyu
. "We just want the best for
them, right?"

"I am worried about you," I said and touched
her hand. "The things I saw while I operated. They weren't exactly
pleasant."