Bro on the Go (2 page)

There’s always time for a casual lap around the electronics superstore.

Lingering around the children’s play area to scope out the hot young moms is a good idea in theory only.

If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

A considerate Bro rolls down the window before dropping ass in the car.

When I say “Doritos,” I mean
Cool Ranch
Doritos. Remember that at the rest stop ’cause I’m just gonna send you back in there.

If you find yourselves in Montana, somebody screwed up somewhere.

A Bro never dances with his hands over his head.

Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

Don’t be “necklace guy.”

FREAKIN’ LOUD IN HERE, HUH?

A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

Judge not the Bro who asks a chick to spot him on the bench press.

God did not design spandex for dudes.

Exception: David Lee Roth in the ’80s. That just
worked.

Injuring yourself trying to lift more weight than the next guy proves nothing . . . except how awesome you are.

Surprise! You’re not the only guy who joined this step class to meet chicks.

Briefs before boxers.

The leg press is designed to showcase the calves, hamstrings, and quadriceps, not your dimpled scrotum.

Be nice to every woman in the gym because, as the old saying goes:

“Today’s heavy chick is tomorrow’s hot chick.”

NOTE
: Unless their face is dingo city, in which case feel free to act however you please.

If your plan is to hang out in the sauna until someone other than a fat Eastern European man steps in, then, buddy, I hope you like heat stroke.

A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.

A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.

People are afraid of sharks, but in many ways aren’t they just the Bros of the ocean?

A watched bikini top never malfunctions.

A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.

If some smug citizen reminds you that he paid for your education, it’s okay to demonstrate your acquired knowledge by kicking him in the nuts.

“Don’t ask, don’t tell” also refers to farts.

If you’re in New York City for Fleet Week and you happen to see me chatting up some honey in my rented sailor uniform, let’s maybe keep it between us, ’kay?

In a gravity-free environment, one Bro isn’t always expected to Bro out another Bro by letting said Bro go first. For example, if the former Bro had the chance to be the First Bro on the Moon but was like, “No, go ahead Bro, it’s all you.” That’s just stupid, Bro.

Stay alert.

Sometimes your onboard computer is your robot Bro. Other times he will try to kill you.

Ast-BRO-naut.

Right? Right?!

Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

An hour spent sculpting a neck beard is an hour lost forever.

You’ll know you’ve found your “bathroom read” when your legs fall asleep.

It’d be a much more sanitary world if they made soap shaped like boobs.

NOTE
: Don’t steal my boob-shaped-soap idea. I’m gonna do something with that.

A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

Remain calm, walk away slowly, and nobody will know you broke that.

If you’re working on a chick and she mentions her cat more than three times, cut your losses and get out of there.

Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.

If you opened a bar, it would be way cooler than this.

No matter how much you tip her, that hot bartender just ain’t gonna happen.

If you really like a bar, don’t be there when the lights come on after last call.

If you can read this, you’re far too sober for darts, karaoke, and that woman in the corner whose eyebrows are high-fiving in the middle.

Seriously?

B
ARNEY
S
TINSON
is a handsome man you can totally trust your daughters with who is best known for blowing up the blogosphere with
www.barneysblog.com
and for sleeping with more than 200 women. Barney speaks 83 different languages, can move small objects with his mind, is a professional athlete,
1
and may or may not be involved in the sexy world of espionage. Oh, and every year he builds orphanages or wells or whatever in poor areas of the world, if that’s the sort of thing that turns you on.

1
You being a member of the Swedish Academy or another academy, institution, or society similar to it in construction and purpose; a professor of literature or linguistics at a university or college; or a previous Nobel Prize Laureate in Literature.

1
Sold title rights to adult film industry

2
Sold title rights to adult film industry

3
Sold title rights and life story to adult film industry—in negotiations to star in the movie or at least “pitch in” on casting decisions

1
EXCEPTIONS: Co-worker is an eight or better; you are co-worker’s superior; co-worker dresses a little slutty; getting fired from job not such a bad thing; company recently sued for sexual harassment—unlikely to happen again; someone makes a bet that you can’t; you are switching floors soon; you and co-worker get stuck in an elevator; you hit the emergency button and get “stuck” in the elevator with co-worker; co-worker going to be fired, or soon will be, after you sabotage co-worker’s files; you mixed it up with co-worker before becoming co-workers; co-worker hits on you; you are in a little bit of a rut, romantically speaking; co-worker going through divorce; co-worker looking pretty good lately; co-worker not offended when you “accidentally” email provocative pictures of self to office.

1
The Professional Laser Tag Association (PLTA) is awaiting both funding and general interest.