Bringing Home Danny (43 page)

*****

Danny walked aimlessly before hopping on a bus, and then he took the subway east. The night air was chilly as he wandered the streets for a place to sit. After being propositioned by prostitutes, Johns, and drug dealers, he entered the first bar that didn’t card him.

“
What are you doing here solo, kid?”
 

Danny forced a smile and said, “Hi, Chuck.”

“
It's a bit late don't you think?”
 

“
You're here.”
 

“
It's been a while since I had a curfew.”
 

“
What makes you think I have curfew?”
 

“
Well, if you don't, you should. You shouldn't be out here alone this time of night.”
 

“
Why? What could happen?”
 

“
It's best you don't find out. You should head home.”
 

Danny walked away mumbling, “I don't need that shit. I came out to avoid it.”

“
Well, well, well, if it isn't Danny, and without his babysitter.”
 

“
Fuck off! I don't need your shit either.”
 

“
Oh, don't be like that. I'm only fooling with ya'. Let me buy you a drink.”
 

Danny walked over to the bar deciding to accept Brendan's offer. He didn't exactly like the muscle head, but he liked the attention, and Danny was feeling reckless. Within the hour, Danny had a few drinks in him, and was beginning to flirt with the men seated around the bar.

An older man pulled a bar stool up close to Danny, and began playing with the strings of his hoodie. Danny's head was buzzing with too much alcohol. He wondered what it would be like to kiss him, and didn't pull away when the man planted his wet messy lips on his mouth. Danny felt slightly nauseous. He shoved the persistent man away to hop off the barstool.

“
Hey, hey, not so fast,” Brendan said, wedging himself between them. “The boy's with me.” Used to getting anybody he wanted, he pulled Danny tight against his body. He'd be damned if he let the kid slip between his fingers this time.
 

“
I'm not with anybody. Let me go!” Danny shouted.
 

“
Hold on, Danny, calm down,” Brendan said, not wanting to create a scene, but unwilling to relinquish his hold just yet.
 

“
I don't feel very good. I wanna go,” Danny pleaded.
 

“
You heard him,” Chuck said.
 

Brendan squared off with Chuck. He was bigger and stronger and not ready to back down.

“
Let him go,” Chuck said more forcibly.
 

The bartender had motioned the bouncer. Brendan assumed he couldn’t take the both of them, and he didn’t want to cause trouble for himself. He patted Danny's face and said, “Another time,” in an attempt to protect his ego.

Chuck walked Danny out of the bar. “Can I give you a lift home?” he asked.

“
No, I'll take the train.”
 

Chuck insisted on accompanying him to the subway. “Tell me, what are you doing out here so late? Don't you have a safe home to go to?”

“
I have a safe place to go. Only it's not my home.”
 

“
Isn't there anybody waiting for you?”
 

“
I doubt it,” Danny said. “But it's okay. I'm fine."
 

Danny waved goodbye to Chuck from the back seat of the train. He wished he had the nerve to accept his invitation for a ride home, and maybe even more. Feeling lonelier than he had in years, Danny bent his legs to his chest and stretched TJ's sweatshirt over his knees to keep warm. His eyelids fluttered closed as the motion of
the train lulled him. He eventually fell asleep curled up against the corner of the seat. Danny was soon dreaming about falling down a tunnel.
 

 
“
Get your little ass off the bus...” boomed Mitch's loud voice. The image of Mitch stomping down the aisle slowly receded. His voice became fainter as the length of the aisle grew, dwarfing Mitch until he was out of view. Danny was scared and alone in a darkness of secrets. He could hear the cackling of his mother's intoxicated laugh. She was in the next room, but might as well have been miles away. He yelled, “help!” She couldn't hear him, and he was sucked further down the spiraling hole. His father was standing over him with a disgusted look on his face. “Take that thumb out of your mouth. You're too old for that.” Danny didn't feel old. He felt small and defenseless as the chastising words echoed in his head. The disapproving frown of his father grew bigger as Danny grew smaller. He was wet, cold, and hungry.  No one would come for him. He had learned to stop crying. It did him no good. The tall railings caged him. He reached up to the four bears dancing in a circle over him. He could never touch them. It was useless to try. They were too far away, and he was just too small. As he spun further down the endless tunnel he became sick to his stomach, and he wondered if he was going to disappear altogether. He finally hit with a thud as the train came to an abrupt stop.
 

Danny left the subway disoriented. He walked until he neared a familiar bus stop. Danny had no memory of the remainder of his ride home. The sun was fighting its way through the dense fog of the early autumn morning when he snuck back into the townhouse. He threw off his TJ's sweatshirt, and crawled into bed.

*****

Mitch found Danny in bed way past noon wearing the same disheveled clothes from the day before. “Danny, I don't want to have to do it. But if I discover that you are sneaking out at night, I'm going to be taking my belt to you."

Danny stared at him, and thought about this new proposition. He knew he was pushing things too far, and was getting away with more than he would have thought possible. Every time he came in late he was both relieved and disappointed when he wasn't caught. He didn't like spankings, but there was an intimacy to it. Physically he was never closer to these men than when he was lying across their knees. It was an emotional connection and release that he both feared and craved as he cried over their laps. The belt, on the other hand, that seemed cold
. And, man, it would probably hurt.
 

“
I'm not sneaking out. Who told you that?”
 

“
Nobody told me anything. Your behavior has been suspicious.”
 

“
You're just looking for things that aren't there.”
 

“
For your sake that had better be true.”
 

*****

“
I can't sleep,” Danny said, later that night, “can I go for walk to get some air?”
 

“
You're staying in tonight,” Mitch insisted.
 

“
Watch TV with us,” Ricky offered.
 

“
No, thanks.”
 

“
We got tickets to the Yankee game tomorrow...”
 

“
I'm busy,” Danny said. He ran upstairs to his room effectively cutting off Antonio and another invitation to spend a day together.
 

TJ entered Danny's room a little apprehensively, but still hopeful. Antonio told him that is was normal to expect teenagers to spend a lot of time isolating in their rooms. His instincts told him this wasn't typical adolescent moodiness.

“
I was wondering where that was." TJ noticed his old hoodie crumpled on the floor of Danny's room. "What's it doing in here?”
 

Danny shrugged.

“
I don't mind if you borrow my things, but I would appreciate it if you took better care of them,” he said with a wink, as he pulled his sweater from a messy heap on the floor.
 

“
It's only a sweatshirt.”
 

“
I know. But it's like an old comfortable friend. I used to wear it all the time.”
 

“
Sorry. I didn't know it was
so
important to you.”
 

“
It's okay,” TJ said, disregarding his sarcastic tone.
 

“
Is that it? Or was there something else you wanted?”
 

“
Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. There's a scuba expedition I'm leading off the Florida Keys. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”
 

“
Me? Why don't you ask Ricky to go with you?”
 

“
I'd rather go with you.”
 

“
I won't be able to go.”
 

“
Yes you can. I already got permission from Mitch and Antonio.”
 

“
Why'd you talk to them about it?”
 

“
I wanted to make sure it was okay before asking you.”
 

“
Well, it's not. I have things to do.” Danny cringed inwardly at the loss. It was pride that wouldn’t allow him to go.
 

“
Like what?
 

“
Look, I just don't want to go. Okay?”
 

He knew he was sounding spiteful. But he wasn't going to accept a charity trip as some kind of consolation prize.

“
Are you sure?”
 

“
I'm sure.”
 

Danny picked up a schoolbook and acted busy so he didn't have to see the disappointment on TJ's face.

He left the house early the following day to avoid having to come up with an excuse for not joining everyone for Ricky's concert in Central Park. Anything they did as a family they made sure to include Danny. And Danny made sure he was unavailable for it. Antonio pulled Danny aside early one evening to confront him about his unwillingness to participate in family activities.

“
We love you, Danny. You're part of our family. Please don't shut us out.”
 

“
I guess I'm just not good with family.”
 

“
How can I help you to change that?”
 

“
You can't.”
 

Danny was taking a perverse pleasure in hurting Antonio. A part of him felt bad about it, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. Anger was the only feeling he was able to express when he was at home. He was numb to all else. He felt a chill go through him that matched the coolness in his voice when he said, “I don't think I'm gonna to go to college next semester. I need to make more money so I can find a place of my own.”

“
It's very expensive in Manhattan,” Antonio tried to reason.
 

“
I might move in with Ethan,” Danny said, rubbing his arms. It was early fall and he was already fighting off a cold. He had been unable to get warm over the last few weeks.
 

Antonio was heartbroken. He couldn't fathom life without Danny, and he didn't want to. “You still have a couple of months to think it over before you turn eighteen. In the meantime, you need to concentrate on doing well with your current classes. We'll give you money to get set up wherever you decide to live, so don't worry about college cost. It's important that you stay in school.”

“
We'll see,” Danny said, savoring the bitter taste of power.
 

He went to his room to gloat in private, but as soon as he shut the door, an overwhelming sense of loss hit him like a ton of bricks. His eyes caught the silly grin of the large stuffed alligator given to him by Antonio's mother. He pulled Chompy off the shelf, and crawled into bed with it. The gator's constant smile always reminded him of Antonio. Curled up under the covers, Danny could not withstand the pain any longer. He heaved silent sobs that left his gut wrenching, as he held on tight to his stuffed companion, soaking it with tears.

***** 

“
Are you Ricky?”
 

“
Yes.”
 

“
Some man asked me to hand you this note.”
 

Ricky quickly turned to see who it could be, but saw no one. His gut churned as he read the note the woman placed in his hand. He knew whom it was from before he even opened it.

Ricky, if I ever meant anything to you at all, please meet me at our favorite restaurant by 3:30. All I am asking is to see you one last time, and I promise never to bother you again
. The note was signed,
Yours’ forever, Brendan
.

Ricky felt torn. Even though his heart told him not to go, he felt guilty about the way he left things with Brendan. He never got a chance to explain things to him. He left without any notice. Other than the brief phone call, not a single word was spoken between them. If he could trust Brendan to be telling the truth, then he could get rid of him without involving Mitch or Antonio. He was also worried that if Brendan didn't get a chance to say his piece, then he would continue to come around. He was relentless once he had his mind set on something. Ricky was pretty sure by now that it was him that came by that day and spoke to Danny. That more than anything unnerved him.

Ricky slowly made his way to the first place he and Brendan ate together. It was really more Brendan's type of restaurant than Ricky's. It was trendy and loud. The place was always crowded, even at this time of day.

“
It's good to see you. I knew you would come.”
 

Ricky almost jumped out of his skin, startled by the voice and hand at his back. He took a deep breath and turned around. “Hi, Brendan.”