Bright Purple: Color Me Confused with Bonus Content (16 page)

I stand up now, and I am really, really mad. What right do they have to treat people like this? “I am so sick of you guys!” I yell this so loud that the whole bus immediately gets quiet. I march up the aisle now and then I look this girl right in the face. “And I swear if
Coach Ackley doesn’t make you guys straighten up and stop this infantile nasty talk, then someone else will!” I glare at Coach. He has this mixture of surprise and amusement across his face. “I mean it!” I tell him, shaking my splinted wrist toward him. “Either you do something or I will go to Ms. Fremont and I will tell her exactly what’s going on here.”

He nods and actually seems somewhat pleased. “Yeah, I’m getting a little fed up with this too,” he yells. “The next girl who gets out of line will be suspended from the team for one week. you got that?”

And maybe they do. Because as we exit the bus and head over to the parking lot, no one says anything off-color. But I can feel Lauren and Amy watching the three of us, since BJ and I are still walking with Jess. I can tell they’re wondering what’s up.

“You still need a ride, Ramie?” BJ asks me in a tired voice.

I glance over at Jess. “Well, unless Jess wants to give me ride.”

“Sure, I can drop you,” she says in an offhand way, but I can tell she’s surprised.

“Okay.” I wave good-bye to BJ.

“You guys better not forget we have practice next week,” warns BJ.

“I know,” I call back. “Even though it’s Christmas break.”

“No rest for the wicked,” says Lauren as she and Amy join us. Even though the parking lot lights aren’t the brightest, I can see the questioning looks these two are giving me as I follow Jess to her car. Like they want to ask what gives.

“See you guys next week,” I say to Lauren and Amy in what I hope sounds like a positive tone, tossing them a reassuring smile. I want them to know that we’re okay. At least I hope we are. But as I climb into Jess’s car, I have to admit that I feel pretty nervous. I hope this isn’t a mistake.

We’re both really quiet at first. Part of me is ready for small talk, but at the same time I know that small talk won’t work.

“So you’re going out with Mitch?” Jess says as she pulls out of the parking lot.

“Yeah,” I say. “Which reminds me—it’s youth group tonight. Are you going?”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“You haven’t been there . . . well, you know . . . since you . . .
came out.
”

“Don’t you hate those words?
Came out?
I mean it sounds almost like a disease. Like you
came
down with something. Or maybe you broke
out
with something. Or you put them together and you
came out
.”

That makes me laugh. Then Jess laughs.

“You know it’s not that I’ve never been around homosexuals before,” I tell her. “I mean my mom has some friends. And I’ve always just treated them like everyone else. But it just freaked me out when it was you, Jess. Can you understand that?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty much freaked out everyone.”

“How’s your family doing?”

“Not so well. My mom tries to hide it, but I know she’s really depressed. I’ve heard her crying a lot.”

“Yeah, she seemed pretty sad the time I talked to her.”

“She told my family about the exit group and they all think I should go.” Jess lets out a groan. “Why does everyone have this pressing need to
fix
me?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s because we just want you to be happy, Jess. And it’s hard for some of us to believe that being gay is going to make you happy.”

“When you say it like that—
being
gay—it’s like you think it’s
something temporary, like an emotion. you’re
being
moody. Or you’re
being
funny. I really don’t think it’s a temporary thing, Ramie.”

“But how do you know?”

“I know how I feel.”

“You mean about girls?” I ask, knowing that I’m probably heading in a direction that I don’t really want to go. Or maybe I do.

“You mean do I get excited about girls? Do I think girls are hot? Is that what you’re asking me, Ramie?” I can hear anger in her voice now.

“Well, isn’t that what being a lesbian is all about?”

“That’s part of it. But it’s not everything. It’s not all about sex.”

I want to say, “Yeah, right,” but I control myself. “Well, what’s it about then?”

“It’s about how I feel
inside
. I’ve never been a girly-girl, Ramie. you know that. I’ve always liked boys’ clothes and playing sports and—”

“Hey, that pretty much describes me too.”

“No way,” she says. “You
like
girly things, Ramie. you know you do.”

“Well, I didn’t always. I used to be a tomboy too. I think I just kind of grew into liking them.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

“Maybe you just never gave yourself the chance, Jess. Maybe you’re just afraid to let your feminine side out.”

“Maybe I don’t have a feminine side.”

“I think you do. I just think you keep it well hidden.”

“I think you just wish that was true, Ramie.”

“Maybe I do. Maybe for your sake I do.”

“See, you’re just like my family. you want to fix me.”

“I just want you to have the best life you can possibly have, Jess. And I want you to keep walking with God and obeying him.”

“And you think I can’t do that and be gay too?”

“I know some people think you can. My mom has made that perfectly clear to me. But I just don’t think that’s what the Bible says.”

We’re at my house now, and although I think some good things might have been said during the ride, I am so glad to be home.

“Look, Jess,” I say as she waits for me to get out. “I know that this isn’t going to be easy. I’m not even sure that I can handle having a lesbian friend. To be perfectly honest, it still creeps me out some. I mean I do care about you, and I don’t want us to fight anymore. But I’m not sure how much I can really handle.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to be honest, Jess. I will do everything I can to be your friend, but this is still hard for me.”

“You think it’s easy for me?”

“I think we all need some really good counseling.”

“Well, I’m willing to give Nathan a try. But if he jumps right into trying to fix me, I will be so outta there.”

“That’s understandable.” I open the car door. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Thanks for talking to me tonight.”

“Well, I think it really helps me to understand you a little better. I mean I feel really bad about what happened to you at soccer camp and I—”

“But I don’t want you guys to blame it on that, okay? I was just trying to make you see where I’m coming from, how I’ve known this for a long time. It’s not just something I woke up and decided to do one morning. Sheesh, that’s what my family thinks.”

“You haven’t told them about camp?”

“They are hardly talking to me at all, Ramie. I mostly just stay out of their way. Try not to keep rocking their boat. I wish I was a senior this year. Then I could just leave home and get on with my life.”

“I have one last question, Jess. Do you mind?”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, go ahead. I already feel like I’ve been through the grinder tonight anyway.”

“Well, are you like involved with another girl now? Is that what made you want to come out of the closet? I mean is there someone that you—”

“No, Ramie!” Then she laughs. “Why? Are you jealous?”

I make a face at her. “No. I was just curious.”

“No. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never been involved with another girl. Not since the thing with Ashley. But I’ll admit that I’ve had impulses. Okay? Does that make you happy?”

I frown. “Why would that make me happy?”

“True confessions.”

“So, have you ever had impulses . . . you know . . . toward me?” Okay, this question is really making me feel sick, but since I know I’m home and I can run into my house and get away from her if necessary, I’m willing to take the risk. Plus, I just really want to know.

“Yeah, I’m having an impulse right now, Ramie. I have this impulse to hit you.” She makes a fist, then laughs. “No, I don’t think I’ve really had an impulse toward you. I think I’d be more attracted to the real lesbian type, you know, the kind who might return the attraction.”

I sigh and shake my head. “No, I don’t really know. It’s pretty hard to wrap my mind around that whole thing.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. We’re all freaks.”

“Well, thanks again for the ride.” I get out of her car now. “And thanks for being honest with me.”

“You too.”

As I walk toward the house, I wonder if this is a relationship that can actually be maintained. I mean sure, we may have made some progress tonight, but the idea of ever being really close friends again, the possibility of sharing secrets, sleeping over, talking about boyfriends, shopping for bras . . . well, that seems to be something that’s best left dead and buried.

That’s sad, though, and I feel sorry for Jess. I mean who will she share those times with now? She can’t do stuff like that with guys. And she can’t do it with girls like me. What does that leave? Just lesbians like her? But that wouldn’t be the same, would it? Wouldn’t that be like me doing stuff like that with guys? Pretty weird. As I go into my house, I still feel confused. Very confused.

I
SUSPECT THAT
I
MIGHT BE THE MAIN REASON
M
ITCH HAS BEEN CONSISTENTLY
going to youth group these last few weeks. I still find his lackadaisical approach rather ironic, since his dad is a pastor. But I’m beginning to accept that just because Mitch’s parents are Christians doesn’t necessarily mean that Mitch is saved. In fact, I’m beginning to understand that Mitch is really struggling with his faith. But I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess I’m thinking that as long as we go to youth group together and things don’t get too out of hand in our relationship, we should be okay. At least for now.

Because for now, I still feel the need to be linked with a boyfriend. Okay, maybe I’m a little insecure about my sexual identity, which I know is silly, but if I’m going to try to have any kind of a friendship with Jess, I really want someone like Mitch around. I just don’t want people assuming that I’m gay, or that I’m not the kind of Christian I claim to be.

I’m not surprised when Jess doesn’t show up at youth group tonight. But I hope that will be changing soon. And after youth group ends, I tell Mitch that I need to talk to Nathan.

His brows lift. “Is it something personal?”

I laugh. “No. I just want to ask him something about Jess. It has to do with what I already told you, about what happened on the bus
today. you can come with me if you want.” I didn’t give Mitch all the details about Jess, only that BJ and I were trying to reach out to her, and that she seems open to help.

I wave to BJ, who’s talking to a friend over on the other side of the room. I clued her in earlier about my plan to talk to Nathan tonight. Then the three of us approach Nathan.

“We want to talk to you about Jess LeCroix,” I tell Nathan.

He nods. “It’s about time.”

“She’s really struggling,” I begin. “BJ and I had a long talk with her on the way home from Rendezvous.”

“Hey, how’d you guys do?” he asks.

“Not so well,” says BJ.

“Too bad. But tell me what’s up with Jess?” he says. “I talked briefly with her parents last week. So I do know what’s going on.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

He smiles. “Yeah. Stuff like this pretty much rocks everyone’s world. But it doesn’t have to.”

“Well, we were talking to Jess about getting some counseling,” I say.

“Christian counseling,” BJ adds.

“You mean you guys are going to try to talk her out of being gay?” says Mitch.

Nathan laughs. “You can’t exactly talk someone out of that.”

“I know,” I add. “That’s not it, really. We just think she needs to talk to someone about what’s gone on with her. And she’s kind of reluctant. So BJ and I offered to come with her, if you think that’s a good idea.”

He considers this. “Well, in this situation, that might be a good idea. At least for starters. Jess’s hardest challenge, right now, might be her need for acceptance.”

“Acceptance?” I echo. “As in accepting that she’s gay?”

“Accepting her for who she is,” he says. “Loving her unconditionally.”

We talk a little more, and I can tell that Nathan is trying to make sure that BJ and I are really on the same page he is, and finally he invites the three of us girls to meet him for coffee next week.

“I think doing coffee is a little less intimidating than sitting in a counselor’s office. It sets the stage for acceptance better.”

So it’s agreed. We’ll meet him at Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon, following basketball practice.

“As long as Jess is still agreeable,” I say finally.

“Let’s all be praying for her,” says Nathan. “Pray that she won’t be on the defensive, that she’ll feel our unconditional love.” He glances over at Mitch now. “You coming too, bro?”

Mitch shrugs. “Maybe not. I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable.”