Breathe: A Novel (29 page)

There was a flurry of activity somewhere near the entrance. But I kept my eyes on the stage, making it my mediation.

“Oh, excuse me, so sorry. Excuse me.” The voice was unmistakable, and I had never been so happy to hear it. “Alex, there you are!”

Haley sauntered over as if she were the guest of honor, oblivious to the call for quiet from the podium. She turned and smiled at everyone as she passed, even gave a few older men her coy four-finger wave, their pleasure obvious, their wives’ disdain just as evident. I covered my mouth with my hand. She was funny.

Haley sat down beside me, breathy and flustered.

“Oh, Alex, what an ordeal to get here.” She pulled out compact and checked her reflection.

I felt myself relax. As my mom had said, it was no accident Haley was in my life. Her insouciance balanced my intensity. She must have felt my stare, because she turned to me and leaned forward.

“Did I miss anything?” she whispered.

“Not a thing,” I said.

A woman standing onstage in a beige suit and pearls began to speak.

“Good evening. Before enjoying this beautiful dinner, I want to take a moment to thank you for attending our benefit tonight. It’s hard to believe that only three short years ago the Garden Project was just one five-by-five plot on a Mission rooftop. Now, our gardens span a collective four city blocks, and more than a thousand school-age children have had the experience of tending this wonderful program’s crops—crops which have been enjoyed in public school cafeterias and family homes, and have made their way to our tables here tonight. It has all been made possible thanks to the vision of an unassuming man with a passion for sustainable agriculture, and a belief that today’s children will be the ones to save our ailing earth. Mr. Andrew Cruz.”

Applause swelled in the tent and waved from the side of the stage. Haley and I clapped wildly, beaming at each other, then back at Andy again.

“We will hear more from Mr. Cruz after dinner about the growth and development of the Garden Project. But for now, please enjoy your dinner, a vision of the future: urban agriculture that not only sustains itself, but the earth, and, of course, all of us. Our thanks to Stanford University and the Plume Foundation for the space and the tents. And very special thanks to our Rooftop Donors: the Edwards Family, Charles and Mary Klein, and the Russo Family, without whom this project would not be where it is today.”

There was another swell of applause as I wrapped my head around what had just been said. The extent of Andy’s hard work was overwhelming, as was his commitment, responsibility, and ability to garner such enthusiastic support. I was awed, witnessing this celebration of a dream that became reality. And I was humbled, realizing that somehow Andy had made time for me while all this was going on in his life. Had wanted me to be a part of it.

“Hel-looo, Alex? What were you thinking about? Did you hear anything I just said?” The lights had come up, and Haley was waving her hand in front of my face. “Can you believe it? Our Andy? Oh, wait! There’s Louise, up at the front! We’ve got to go say hi.”

Deep breath. This was my path. This was all my path. Trust the universe.

“Why don’t you go over and say hi,” I said. I needed a minute.

“Really? I should, shouldn’t I? How’s my make-up?” She fluttered her eyelashes at me.

“Good,” I said, feeling nothing but affection for her; though she was clearly off to hit on my ex-husband. She walked over and was met by a chorus of greetings.

Suddenly, as had happened before, it all seemed surreal. Louise’s pinched expression, Haley’s performance, Tripp’s perfectly tailored tux, my jealousy. I felt like I was watching from some distant place, yet it was all so vivid and clear. We were all a mess. Not just me, but everyone. My heart was filled with unexpected affection as I stood up and walked over to Louise. Waiters were bringing out plates covered by silver domes, and Tripp was embroiled in a conversation with Matt Sutton. But Haley saw me, and immediately scooted her chair over to let me into the circle. I stood between her and Louise.

“Hi, Al, I was just telling that hilarious story about how you almost split yourself in half attempting some obscure pose in Galen’s class.”

Louise replied without looking at me, “Yes, it sounded like quite a scene.”

“Hi, Louise,” I said, putting my hand on the back of her chair.

Louise was a mess, just like me.

And Louise was doing her best, just like me.

I bent down and wrapped my arms around her, giving her an unfettered hug. She didn’t move, and I held on. Strangely, I was filled with gratitude for this icy cold woman. She had given me the resolve to abandon all that I thought I wanted. I inhaled the scent of her perfume, her hair. If Louise had accepted me I would have stayed. Tripp wouldn’t have left me, because Louise wouldn’t have allowed it. So in fact, she had given me just what I needed—a good swift kick to the curb.

“Thank you, Louise,” I said, squeezing her one last time.

When I attempted to stand, one of my silk straps caught a button on her designer suit, and I found myself bent over, two inches from her face, connected by a thin silk strand.

“Good God, Alex,” she said. “Have you been drinking?” She tried to turn her head away, but it was impossible.

“Are you two stuck?” I heard Haley ask from behind me. “Can I help you?”

“Nope, Haley, we’re all set,” I replied. I slowly unhooked my strap from her button. “I’m grateful to you, Louise.” I kissed her cheek, wondering for a moment if I somehow
had
been intoxicated.

When I stood, Louise was staring, but not with her typical disregard. She was silent, and looked down at the meal that had been placed before her.

“Okay, then, just wanted to say thank you. Enjoy your evening.”

I turned and walked toward the back of the tent, not sure where I was going. I heard Tripp’s voice behind me.

“Hey, Alex, wait a sec.” He caught up and put an arm around me. “You really are different,” he said, looking at me as we walked. I remembered this feeling well, being wrapped in Tripp’s arms, feeling protected and untouchable because he was beautiful, strong, and important. But the reality was I didn’t need protecting.

Undefended heart.

We walked out the slight opening at the back of the tent and found ourselves amongst little café tables, a candle at the center of each. The sky was dark and the stars seemed intensely bright.

“Will you sit for a minute?” he asked, pulling out a chair.

Tripp sat down across from me, his movements smooth and direct. His eyes reflected an uncharacteristic urgency.

“Alex, please, let’s try again.”

He said it and let it land. As with a business deal, he held a hallowed silence to elicit an impulsive response. Now that I wasn’t inside out trying to get his approval, I could appreciate his own struggles. I could identify his tools for survival, for getting his needs met and feeling loved. I watched him without judgment. I kept my eyes on his, but didn’t speak.

Finally, he said, “Alex, what are you thinking?”

“I am thinking that you are beautiful and talented.” He sat up a little taller. “And I’m grateful that we met, and that I married you.”

He took my hand from across the table.

“We’re a team, Alex. Meant for each other.” He kissed my hand.

Then unexpectedly, I began to laugh. A joyful, grateful, delighted laugh. Tripp looked at me and smiled, slightly confused. I caught my breath and smiled back at him with all the love in my heart. How could he know that we were meant for each other? We barely knew each other. I
had
been incapable of letting him in. Incapable of true intimacy. And now that I was ready, I knew it for sure—

Tripp wasn’t who I wanted.

The answers come in the universe’s time.

“Oh, Tripp,” I put my hand on my heart. “I think you were right. We are not in the same place.”

“But you thought I was having an affair, Alex. I wasn’t. Give me another chance.”

I thought again of all those months of making him bad and Lauren bad, of justifying my own bad behavior. And then there was Louise. How had she endured such betrayal and grief? It sure explained a lot. I remembered Galen once saying, “Always challenge what you think you know, and when you think you know, know you don’t.”

“You shut me out, Alex.” He leaned into the candlelight.

“I know. I’m so sorry.” I held onto his hand.

“You let me know you to a point, and then after that, it was just humor and jokes and avoiding real conversations.”

“I was in over my head,” I explained.

“But we’ve both grown. And I miss you, and I want to be patient.”

In the darkness, he looked incredibly vulnerable.

We were all so human. Haley, Tripp, Louise, Jenny, Andy, and I. Even Mom. And Galen. We all had the ability to be kind or cruel, peaceful or violent. And then I got it. The lesson. The feeling. Not just the word.

Compassion.

Compassion for all of the ways that we deal with being human.

The dark and the light.

In that moment, I fell in love with the world.

Tripp leaned toward me, intense and desirous. I felt myself getting drawn in like a moth, powerless to the flame.

Then a voice from the podium boomed through the sound system and echoed across the lawn.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Cruz, the visionary and driving force of the Garden Project, will narrate a short slide show.”

I pulled my head back, keeping my eyes on Tripp.

“I have to go.”

He grabbed my arm.

“No, you don’t.” His gaze was fierce, and I loved him for it.

I softened.

“Yes, Tripp, I do. I am in love with the man who is about to speak and I need to be in there.”

I was in love with Andy.

Not a consuming, idealizing sort of love. A love that supported my own growth, and his. A love that spoke the truth. A love that was patient and honest. And fun. And although he was with someone else now, I knew I would feel that way for a long time. Going back to Tripp wouldn’t be fair or right.

“Andy? You’re
in love
with Andy Cruz?” He sat back in his chair, shook his head, and then sighed. I had never seen Tripp give up so easily. He was silent for what felt like minutes. “In
love?
” More silence. Then he finally laughed too and said, “Now that I can’t compete with.” He brushed a hand through his hair and looked beyond me out onto the sprawling lawn. “Life is a mystery, Alex.” He got up, kissed the top of my head, and lingered there, his hands resting on my shoulders. Then we walked together back into the tent as Andy approached the podium. Tripp kissed my cheek and said, “Bye.” Then he walked around the edge of the tent to join his table.

I stood in the back, leaning against one of the wooden tent poles and watched as Andy spoke about the kids and the plants. He told stories about children who believed peas came in cans and were made in factories. He told stories about kids who asked to sleep among the crops. Kids whose self-esteem flourished because they were a part of something important. He spoke with passion and humility, like a man who knew his purpose, his calling.

When he finished, the room exploded with applause, every person standing to honor him. Andy walked off the stage shaking many more hands on his way to the back of the tent. I could see that his eyes were searching the crowd for someone, so painfully, I turned away. He would probably be tied up for the rest of the evening.

I walked back outside, past the tables where I had sat with Tripp. There was a small bench far off to the right facing a flower garden. I took off my shoes, the cool grass a welcome relief. When I reached the bench, I sat down and looked up at the sky. I was finally clear on how I felt and what I wanted. But now what to do with it? Marching back in there to profess my love would be selfish, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, not Andy or his girlfriend. Besides, this was his night. I should trust that today was exactly as it was meant to be. I closed my eyes and let my breath drown out the thoughts.

Acceptance.

Compassion.

Undefended heart
.

“What do you think this is, some sort of boring fundraiser or something?” Andy sat down next to me. I had no idea how long I had been out there. He tilted his head back and looked up at the sky with me. “As a kid I always thought Orion’s Belt was ‘a Lion’s Belt,’ and spent hours trying to find the lion,” he said, as if he were talking to himself. “So you and Tripp, huh?” He looked over at me and I met his eyes. We both smiled. “I don’t see it.” He held my gaze and then looked back up.

“It took me a while not to see it,” I said.

“And now?” he asked the stars.

I thought about it. “I see a good man. A man that never really knew me. A man that I never really knew. It’s amazing how that happens.” Andy nodded, still looking up. “Enough about Tripp. What an incredible event—congratulations, Andy. I’m really happy for you. Shouldn’t you be in there right now?” I asked.

He looked at me, his smiling eyes making my heart beat fast.

“Nope, done. I’m off duty for the rest of the night.”

He continued to look at me. I was having a hard time keeping my breath steady. I wanted to climb into his lap, run my fingers through his hair, and kiss him . . .

“So what ‘cha been up to, Oregon?” he asked.

“Hmm . . . Well, aside from work and yoga classes with Nancy and Jenny, and some serious soul searching,” I smiled and paused, “I signed up for vet school pre-reqs,” I said as nonchalantly as I could. The truth was, I was ecstatic. Nothing had ever felt so right.

Andy’s smile grew bigger than I had ever seen it, but still he kept his head angled toward the sky. I hesitated, suddenly afraid. But I thought of the time that I’d spent on my own. I reminded myself that I was okay, with or without Andy. I looked at him.

Courage. Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway.

“Andy, earlier you said you had something to tell me?”

“I do,” he said with more gravity than I had ever heard from him.

Oh, no.