Breathe: A Novel (26 page)

“Haley and Andy went to yoga together?” she asked.

“Haley as in Haley from here? High school Haley?” Erin asked. “You can’t get rid of her, can you? I still remember the white tulle dress she wore to your wedding.”

I had a vision of Haley and Andy cozy in my apartment, and felt my heart speed up again.

“No, I guess I can’t,” I said.

“So who’s joining me for class this morning?” Mom asked.

“Not us,” I replied, putting Olivia on my lap and bouncing her on my knees.

“Me neither,” Jackson said. “I gotta keep an eye on these rug rats. And my little sister.”

“Can we go skating?” Nick asked.

“Sure,” I responded. “Whatever you guys want to do.”

“All the skates are in the barn, but if you can’t find a pair for Nick, they do have rentals at the pond. And why don’t you grab one of the old sleds for Olivia?” Mom scooped her off my lap. “Auntie Alex used to love when your daddy pulled her. Remember how she would scream?” she asked Jackson. “‘Faster, faster, faster!’”

He reached over and rumpled my hair. “Al always loved a wild ride.”

***

It was only Nick’s third time skating, but it didn’t take long for him got the hang of it, carefully navigating around the edge of the pond, biting his tongue with intense focus.

“He takes after you,” Jackson observed. “Wants to be perfect at everything he does.” He turned around to face me and started going backwards. “So can Andy skate as well as I can?”

“Actually, Jack, he’s a lot like you.” I smiled, pulling Olivia behind me in the sled.

“Good looking, athletic, generous . . . Lucky guy,” he joked.

“He is great,” I admitted. “But unfortunately, I think Haley might have claimed him.” The words hung there in a puff of my breath.

“Haley? Really?” He paused. “I guess she is a cute one. Annoying, but cute. I promise you, though. It won’t last,” he said.

I shrugged.

“You know, for the first time in forever, I feel happy. And not happy because of someone else. Happy because I have a great life. And I love my job.”

“Do they pay you well at that place?”

“Not exactly,” I acknowledged. “But it’s a perfect launch for vet school. I’m thinking of trying again.”

“That’s awesome, Al.” He gave me an encouraging pat on the back. “Have you looked into any programs?”

“A few. UC Davis is close, and in-state tuition would really help. I need a few more pre-reqs before applying. But I really am considering it. Of course, it’ll mean many more years of poverty,” I joked. “But who needs money, right?”

Jackson looked at me. “Tripp’s loss, you know, Al.” I felt immediate pressure in my chest at the mention of his name.

“Thanks, J.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do.” We were matching each other’s stride. “It’s just that when I look at you and Erin and the kids, I want that.”

“Listen, it’s not easy, marriage, kids, any of it, but Erin and I are in it together and that’s what makes it all worth it. You just need the right person.”

“I thought I had found him, Jack.”

“That guy? —”

“Don’t say it!” I said, and he laughed. We skated in silence, watching Nick make his way on the ice.

“Do you ever feel lost?” I asked.

“Lost? Heck, I feel totally under-qualified for this job at times.” He nodded toward Nick, who had taken a break and was throwing snowballs at a giant pine. “But no, I guess I don’t feel lost. I’m a simple guy. I’ve got dad in me. You’re all mom.”

“Then there’s hope for me yet.” I smiled.

Just then, Nick called out, “Look at me!” His arms were outstretched, and he was actually picking up some speed.

“Woo hoo!” I shouted.

“Nice, Nicky!” Jackson was clapping and watching his son with a look on his face that I’d never seen.

What a great dad,
I thought.

I felt my eyes fill. Turning my head, I tried to sniff away the tears inconspicuously, but my big brother never let me get away with anything.

“You getting weepy, Al?”

“No,” I said defensively.

“Yes you are!” he goaded and tried to grab me, but I was too fast. He was pulling Olivia now, her hat almost over her eyes.

Laughing as the tears streamed down my cheeks, I skated with all my might to the other end of the pond where Nick was watching the big kids play hockey. I came to a dramatic and show-offy hockey stop right next to him. He looked impressed for a second and then noticed my red-rimmed eyes.

“Are you okay, Aunt Alex?”

“I’m just very happy to be with you guys, and it’s making me a little sentimental, ya know?” I gave him a quick hug. “Wanna skate with me?”

“Sure,” he said.

As we held hands and skated back to his dad, my heart took a snapshot of the moment: my family in the sun on a frozen pond in Oregon.

Back at the car, I caved and pulled out my phone to text Andy.

Me:
I wish you were here.

He texted back right away.

A:
So do I.

Me:
Pizza and movie when I get back?

A:
Sure about that?

Me:
Yes, I miss you

I didn’t even wait for a response. I just turned off my phone, and put on my seatbelt.

The cab pulled up in front of my apartment, and I saw Haley’s head peek out of my kitchen window.

“ALEX!!!” she called down. “You’re home! I can’t believe—” I rolled up my window, blocking out the rest of her sentence. She would be my roommate forever. Haley and me and twenty-one cats. I paid the driver, gathered my things, and walked up the steps to my building.

Haley came gliding down the stairs in a plush bathrobe with leopard slippers and opened the front door for me. She gave me a hug and took my bag.

“Al.” She looked at me. “I have a surprise.”

“Great, Hay. Your own place?” I said, trudging up the stairs behind her.

“Now come on, don’t be mean.” She pushed my bag into the apartment with her foot. “It’s a healthy dinner to help us prepare for the workshop tomorrow.”

Ugh, the workshop!

I had extended my trip by a week, completely forgetting about the
workshop.
Why did I get myself home the day
before
rather than the day
after
the workshop?
Haley. Lauren. Probably Tripp, too. Right back into the fire. Was I crazy? Why had I ever agreed to sign up for it?

Billy was wagging and whining, dancing around in circles. I took him in my arms.

Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.

If it weren’t for Andy, I would have backed out right then and there. But in some way, I wanted to do the workshop with him, wanted Andy by my side as I faced my past, accepted it, and moved on.
If ever there were a time to apply all my endless reading, meditating, and yoga, it would be at that damn workshop.

“Haley, what did you do in here?” I was sitting on the floor with Billy, scanning my transformed apartment.

She came out of the kitchen wearing a new oven mitt and holding a pair of tongs.

“Don’t you love it?” she asked. “I was feeling inspired and decided to give our living room a little facelift.”

“Pink?” I asked.

“Yes, Al, it’s pink. And I found orange pillows for our beds that compliment the accent wall perfectly. I modeled it after the Yoga Garden.” She was very excited. “See how pushing the table against that wall gives us much more room? And what do you think of the new gallery?” She motioned to an artful display of old photos that she’d had enlarged in black and white and put in beautiful teak frames. I scanned the collection—Haley and me on horseback in bikini tops and daisy dukes. Haley and me, dressed for prom. Haley and me, looking chic and miserable at a cocktail party in Manhattan.

“Wow. Haley, you know I love you, but I’m not sure I want a picture of us in matching sweatbands on my wall. It wasn’t my best look.” I laughed.

“Well fine then. I’ll take it down.” She sighed and stood on her tiptoes, removing one of the frames. There was something heartbreaking about her nostalgia.

“Never mind,” I said. “Keep it up there. It’s cute.”

She tilted her head, admired the picture, and said, “I thought so.” She looked over at me and smiled.

I took a breath.

“Hay, we need to talk. I mean really talk.”

Boundaries. This was good for both of us.

“You and Bitzi have got to find an apartment. My place is too small. Plus, I’m trying hard to make it on my own here. This is the first time I’ve ever really lived by myself. It’s important to me.” I kept giving reasons, hoping one of them would get through to her. But she still wasn’t saying anything, so finally I threw the gauntlet. “I’ll give you two weeks, okay?”

“I get it, I get it.”

“You do?”

“Yes, Alex. It’s very clear.” She took off the oven mitt. “We’re not wanted, Bitzi.”

She bent down, picked up her dog, and nuzzled into Bitzi’s cashmere sweater. I knew this side of Haley and tried to stay centered, anticipating her next move. I knew all too well that under duress, Haley moved quickly from sadness and disappointment straight into warfare-style guilt tripping. I had to stay grounded. I stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Bathroom. I just need a minute,” I said.

I shut the door behind me, turned on the sink and splashed cold water on my face. Maybe I was the one holding onto the past; this friendship wasn’t serving either of us. I looked at myself in the mirror, dripping wet, and renewed my commitment to serenity. I turned to grab a towel off the hook behind the door, and that’s when I saw it. Andy’s belt. The soft, worn leather that had always reminded me of Winger’s saddle. My body went cold, and I ripped the door open.

“Really, Haley?” I gripped the belt with one hand, water dripping down my face. “For weeks, I put up with the comments. The innuendos. But I didn’t think you’d actually do it!”

“Alex, it’s not what you think.”

“Sure it isn’t!” I grabbed Billy’s leash. “Come on, boy,” I said, and walked out the door.

My mind was made up. There would be no Andy and me. Not now, and not ever. I felt betrayed, like a victim, but I knew deep down that it was jealousy, pure and simple. I envied Haley. Her ability to take risks, to say what was on her mind, to live with abandon and passion, never apologizing for who she was. And now, Andy. For better or worse, Haley was Haley, and she knew what she wanted. I, on the other hand, apparently had no clue, despite all my soul searching. That night I walked the Mission’s streets for hours, past bustling night markets and twenty-four-hour taquerias. I was trying to breathe, trying to release, trying to transcend. Finally, I dragged myself home at two in the morning and fell into bed.

I was crushed.

***

“Anyone up for some pre-dawn yoga?”

I opened one eye, and there was Andy, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“How was the trip, Oregon? Thanks for that last message.”

Ughhh. I rolled over.

“Come on, sleeping beauty. The workshop starts in forty-five minutes.”

Was this really happening? Part of me wanted him to crawl under the covers with me; the other part wanted to kick him off the bed. All this New Age tranquility crap was so short-lived.

I stood up, grabbed a yoga outfit from my dresser, and headed to the bathroom.

“Not even a ‘good morning’?” he called through the door. Then I heard him say, “How’s that mocha latte coming, Haley? No whip, please.”

She didn’t answer him either.

“All sunshine in here, huh Billy?”

I was back at the sink, splashing water on my face, when I made a deal with myself. If I couldn’t transcend my suffering, at least I could stop acting like a spoiled child. I still had that much self-respect. I emerged from the bathroom, picked up my mat, and said, “Let’s go.”

“You okay, Alex?” Andy had stopped joking now.

“I’m okay. Just ready to move on,” I said. Haley was scrambling around my kitchen filling up water bottles. “I mean get going.” I wished I had a shoelace to tie, a bag to zip, anything. I hated standing there with Andy looking at me.

“Rough night last night? Bit of a shock, going from Oregon farm life to this.” He nodded his head toward the kitchen where Haley was flying around like a whirling dervish. She still hadn’t spoken a word.

They had slept together. Now I was sure of it.

How was I going to get through the day?

We squeezed into Andy’s truck. Haley sat in the middle chattering nervously the whole way. Oregon and the peace I’d felt there seemed light years away. To think I’d been there just the day before . . . I kept my eyes on the sky, the trees, the cars and people, all oblivious to my little drama.

This too shall pass
.
This too shall pass
.
This too shall pass
.

Before going into the studio, I checked my voicemail. There were two messages.

“You are strong and beautiful and so beyond your past,” said Jenny’s.

And from Nancy: “This is a spectacular moment for you. Shine, my love.”

Walking through the Garden lobby and upstairs to the yoga space, I tried to focus on my breath. Haley was still chattering to Andy, so I slipped away unnoticed into the crowd. People were setting up all over the room, unrolling mats, stretching, and glancing around expectantly. At the front of the studio, Galen and Marco were checking people off a list. The knot in my stomach loosened as I walked toward them.

“You’re back, cutie!” Marco exclaimed and wrapped me in a big hug.

“Yeah, I just got back yesterday.” I smiled. It was miraculous what a hug from the right person could do.

Gratitude.

Galen, glowing with excitement, leaned over his clipboard to kiss my cheek.

“We’re going to be full this morning; good thing you all signed up early.” He waved to Jenny and Nancy who had already unrolled their mats.

I nodded and said, “Good thing.”

Jenny ran over to give me a hug.

“You okay?” she whispered.

“What am I doing here?” I whispered back.

“It’s yoga, Alex. Just yoga. Think of it that way?” she said with little conviction.

Haley came up and grabbed my mat before we could finish the conversation.

“I want to make sure we all get spots. It’s already so crowded. Hi, Jenny.”

“Hi, Haley.” She watched her walk away. “I have to say, she’s actually grown on me.”

I looked at her for a second and simply said, “Wish me luck.”

Jenny smiled and squeezed my arm.

“Good luck.”

Then Nancy waved and blew me a kiss.

Haley was in the back corner, two mats over from Andy. She pointed to my mat, which was a row in front of theirs, squeezed between two other mats. At least we were all getting some space from each other. I dropped to my knees and placed my forehead on the floor, breathing into the solace of child’s pose. Pose of strength. Pose of surrender. Pose of humility. They all sounded good right now. I stayed there for a while, desperately trying to tune out the external. In this case, it was Haley’s voice, and she didn’t give up easily.

“Al, there she is.” I glanced up to see Lauren walking toward us, and Haley waving feverishly.

I hit the deck and pressed my forehead down harder than before. Then I heard Lauren’s voice. In spite myself, I found it soothing. I was not, however, going to show my face. I was not Gandhi. Just a girl trying to get her head straight.

“Hi. I’m Lauren,” I heard her say.

My eyes were closed.

“I’m Haley, and I cannot wait to do this workshop. Are you taking requests?”

Lauren laughed lightly. “Sure, Haley. What would you like to work on?”

“You know that poster in ZEAL? Where you’re doing the pose that looks like a handstand, but you’re on your forearms instead?
Pincha Mayurasana
, I think?” she enunciated the Sanskrit name.

“Forearm balance? Sure, we can work on that.”

I was curled up like a potato bug, busy imagining Lauren with a smug smile as she stood there talking. But so far, there was nothing unpleasant about this woman. Unfortunately.

Let it go, Alex.
“You okay down there?” Andy’s voice interrupted my intense and agitated child’s pose. I pushed myself up on my knees and turned to face him.

“Not really,” was as all I could say.

“Oh, come on. It’s only three grueling hours of yoga.”

I shook my head in defeat and went back to child’s pose.

Suddenly, I heard a very familiar laugh from somewhere in the room.

Tripp?

Oh, God!

It was all coming at me too fast.

I peeked out from under my extended child’s pose arm. There, at the front of the room, was a pair of very tan feet moving this way.

“Alex, what are you doing? You look like you’re hiding from someone.” Andy whispered loudly, “Is someone after you?”

“Alex, is that the Trippster I spy?” Haley said.

“Shhhh! Seriously, Haley, if you call any attention back here, I’m leaving.”

“Who’s the Trippster?” Andy asked.

I was going into a full-on panic attack. Could I handle this? Tripp. Lauren. Andy. Haley. Introducing Tripp to Andy. Haley and Lauren, chatting like girlfriends. I thought of the big earthquake solution—it had yet to pull through for me.

“Alright.” Andy said. “Not sure what’s goin’ on here. But I’m hittin’ the restroom.”

“Great,” I said, trying to redeem myself, but refusing to rise from child’s pose.

Now Haley crouched next to me on my neighbor’s empty mat.

“Alex, Tripp is so tan. Was he always so tan? Do you think he just went away somewhere? Or do you think it’s a spray-on? If it is, I need to find out who does it. It looks so real. Have you seen him since the cafe?” I watched her stand to get a better look. “He’s talking to Lauren.”

Jenny caught my eye and mouthed, “Are you okay?” I managed a slight nod.

“Haley, let’s talk about it later. Not now.” She shrugged and went back to her mat.

Tripp was talking to Lauren.

I tried not to look, but couldn’t help myself. Slowly, I raised my head. She had her hand on his shoulder. Oh God, was I was going to have to witness their PDA? No, within seconds she had gracefully moved on to another conversation and was resting her hand on that person’s shoulder too. Andy was back on the mat next to me now, knees bent, a smile on his face.

“Yoga culture is fascinating,” he said, adjusting his watch.

“You’re on someone’s mat,” I said.

“Alex, isn’t yoga supposed to make you nice?” he asked.

I scowled.

Up front, Galen and Marco were talking with Lauren, who was sliding a wireless microphone onto her head. I watched them closely, absorbed in the details of her mannerisms, how she looked, listened, and laughed—

“Cruz, is that you?”

It was Tripp, talking to Andy like he knew him. I ducked my head between my knees. Like that would help. Why did Andy have to know everyone?

Then Lauren’s voice boomed.

“Welcome,” she said, smiling brightly and looking out at the crowd that had come to practice with her.

“T. Edwards,” Andy whispered, sticking out his hand. “Nice to see you, man. Am I on your mat?”
No, no, no.

“Yep. This is me,” Tripp replied. “Let’s catch up after.” Andy moved one row behind us and Tripp dropped into downward dog.