Breaking Shaun (48 page)

I wasn’t just crying for Shaun, but for all the things in my life I’d dreamed of having and never did. My life felt like a constant battle. I was always fighting to protect myself, to survive, to be happy, and I was so tired of it. I just wanted peace.

I cried in my car for over an hour before finally calling a tow truck to come take us away.

I woke up, feeling like shit. I’d thrown up soon after Natalie left. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thrown up, but I also couldn’t remember the last time I’d drunk so much. Every time I’d closed my eyes, I saw Natalie standing in my living room, crying, as she told me she loved me.

She didn’t love me. She was in love with my dick, she was in love with my face, or she was in love with the way having my attention made her feel, but she wasn’t in love with me. She couldn’t even keep her legs together long enough to give us a chance. She was just like all the other conniving bitches I’d fucked in the past.

I strained to keep my eyes open against the insistent pounding in my head. I’d spent the entire day yesterday drinking and cursing Natalie. I’d even tried to think of ways to get her back, tip the scale, and give her a taste of her own medicine. I’d fallen hard for her, and just as I’d predicted, things had gone wrong.

I was done.

Marcus and I had already talked to a few potential buyers about my board designs, and it looked like Rip Curl might be seriously interested. It helped that Marcus had a good relationship with their CEO, and I wasn’t going to let my pride get in the way. If I made the kind of money Marcus had talked about, I wouldn’t have to worry about working for a while. I wanted to pack up my shit, put it in storage, and head off on my trip around the world—alone. I just wanted to be free again, but that wasn’t an option for me anymore.

I was so close to finally having what I wanted. I should have been out partying and celebrating, but instead, I was dirty, hungover, and pissed off. I wanted to believe Natalie. I wanted to think she loved me just as much as I loved her, but I couldn’t. It was too dangerous.

Even if she does love me and I was wrong about Brad, what’s the point?

Things between us would end anyway. I was going to be a father, and it was about time I faced reality. My life as I knew it was over, and so were we.

Rubbing my hands through my greasy hair, I decided to take a shower and try to keep moving. I wasn’t going to be one of those sad douche bags sitting around in his apartment and moping all day.

As I stood under the barrage of hot water coming from my shower, I tried to get back to my old self—the man who had put himself first, the man who hadn’t let women dictate his life. I needed him back.

Scrubbing shampoo into my hair, I closed my eyes and pictured Natalie smiling up at me as soap dripped down her naked body. It was hard to believe she had been pretending that whole time. She had seemed so sincere. Even when she hadn’t known I was watching, I could see her layers of protection and control being stripped away.

You need to stop thinking about her. Just fucking forget her.

The entire time I had been with Natalie, I’d thought I had a hold on her. I’d thought I meant more to her than I really did. And maybe she’d thought she meant less to me.

When I got out of the shower, my phone started ringing in my room. I picked it up and saw it was Marcus.

“What’s up?”

“Damn, man. You okay? You sound sick.”

“Just hungover.”

“I just wanted to let you know that it looks like you’ve got a few offers for your boards coming soon. I talked to my lawyer, and he’s going to go over all of them with us next week.”

I nodded. “Yeah, all right.”

“That’s it? You should be fuckin’ stoked, man! This is great news! I had to tell you before Asia and I left.”

“I appreciate it, man, really. I just feel like shit right now, that’s all.”

“Is that Shaun?” I heard Asia ask Marcus in the background.

Marcus asked, “What?” before my sister was on the phone.

“What the fuck is going on, Shaun? Nick just called me. He said he woke up to Natalie crying this morning. What did you do to her?”

I let my head fall back, and I closed my eyes before sighing and muttering, “That’s none of your business.”

“What could she have possibly done? What was so bad that you had to send her home, crying?” she asked, completely ignoring my previous statement.

“Maybe you should ask her.”

“Why? I thought everything was great. At least, that’s the last I heard from Natalie. And then, you were acting all weird at the wedding, and now, this?” she shouted into my ear.

“She fucked around. Jesus Christ.” I paused, pushing my hands through my hair.
Why can’t Asia just leave it the fuck alone?
“We both admitted we had feelings for each other, and we decided to see what might happen. Then, after the wedding, she got a fucking text from some dude asking if she wanted her fucking panties back.”

“And?”

“What do you mean,
and
? You don’t tell someone you have fucking feelings for him, and then go spread your legs for some other prick.”

“How do you know it happened after you talked? How do you even know it happened since you’ve known her?”

“Mind your business, Asia.”

Of course, she didn’t listen.

“So, you see a text from some guy on her phone, and you flip the fuck out without letting her explain or anything?”

“I don’t need her to explain. I’m fine. Now, can we just drop it?”

“I know you care about her, Shaun. Everyone knows. You can’t seriously think Natalie would do that, do you?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I muttered before hitting the End button.

Nick had already called five different times to check on me today. I really wished he hadn’t heard me crying in the shower this morning, but I guessed he’d eventually figured it out.

I kept telling myself I had nothing to be upset about. I’d done nothing wrong. In fact, I should be proud of the way I’d handled myself with Shaun and how I’d told him how I felt, no matter how scared I had been to do it. Of course, none of that reasoning helped me feel better. It did nothing to ease the constant ache in my chest.

It was Monday, my day off, and I had nothing to do and no car to take me away from the miserable fog suffocating me. In the past, I would have found someone to fuck my misery away or at least help me forget, but I knew that would only make things worse. I didn’t want to go back to the woman I had been. She’d always hidden behind her mask of strength and confidence even though she was really alone and scared. I just wasn’t sure I could be this new me without Shaun. I wasn’t sure I could be anything without him, and that was what hurt the most.

Grabbing my new digital camera, I decided to take a walk and see if I could channel my feelings through the lens. It was a hot day in June, and people were out walking and enjoying the beautiful weather. I took pictures of all of them—mothers holding their children’s hands, couples laughing and sharing ice cream, girls giggling as they left stores with bags hanging on their arms. Each one represented something I’d never done and wished I had. My camera gave me a link to the world around me, a world where I always felt so disconnected. All I’d ever wanted was to belong, to be missed when I was gone.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with the overwhelming need to escape. I just wanted to pack my things up and leave. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. My car was going to take a few more days in the shop, and as illogical as it was to pay for its repairs, I still couldn’t find it in my heart to let it go.

I was moving into my new apartment next week. I had a life I was building here, and as painful as it was to know Shaun would no longer be a part of it, I couldn’t let that stop me. I’d known falling for him was a risk, and now, I was paying the price.

I sat in bed, staring at the boxes lining my bedroom walls. I couldn’t give up. I had to focus on the good things in my life. I had to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. Reaching over to my nightstand, I took a deep breath before getting my phone and checking it for missed messages. Despite everything, I still found myself hoping I would hear from Shaun.

Nothing.

I felt the ache in my chest pulse inside me as I dropped my phone on my bed. I fought against the prick of tears building behind my eyes.