Breaking Shaun (41 page)

“If you try one roller coaster—I mean, really try to enjoy it—we can do whatever you want tomorrow.”

She studied my face, and I could see her wheels turning.

“Whatever I want?”

I nodded. “Yep.”

Natalie’s eyes went back to the roller coaster, and she took a deep breath before blowing it out. “Fuck. Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Holy shit! What am I doing?” Natalie yelled.

We were sitting on the Alpengeist, waiting for it to move. Our feet were dangling in the air below us, and her hands were gripping the harness over her chest so tightly that her knuckles were white.

“It’s okay, Killer. Take a deep breath. Isn’t this what you wanted? A fun and adventurous new life, right?” I asked.

She looked over at me with fear in her eyes. Giving me a small smile, she took a deep breath. “I can do this,” she said to herself as she loosened her grip.

Just then, the floor dropped away, and the car started moving. Her grip automatically tightened again, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

“You’ve got this, Killer!” I yelled to her as we started making our climb to the top of the first slope.

She peeked her eyes open and looked down at the ground getting farther and farther away. She looked determined, and then she took another deep breath before meeting my gaze. “Fuck all the bullshit,” she muttered.

I smiled. “Fuck all the bullshit!” I yelled.

She let out a nervous laugh.

We locked eyes, and then we fell—fast.

She screamed so loud on that first drop of the Alpengeist but as the ride went on, she started to let go. I watched as her face lost its tension, and her smile turned genuine. It was amazing to see. She laughed when we did spins and went upside down, her hair flying behind her.

Something happened to me on that ride. It was something I never wanted to admit.

I was falling in love with Natalie.

I’d gotten on every roller coaster at that park, and I’d loved them all. I’d had the time of my life today. I’d conquered my fears, and I had Shaun to thank for it. When I’d first met him, I’d had no idea he would help bring me back to life.

We were back in my car and on our way home. Shaun was driving this time, and I was leaned back in my seat with my feet propped up on the dashboard. It was dark, and the night air felt amazing as it swept in through the windows. I couldn’t seem to stop smiling.

I knew the drive would take a while, so I decided to take advantage of the time we had together. “Can I ask you something?”

Shaun looked at me and smiled before facing the road again. “You can ask me anything, Killer. I’m an open book.”

“Why did you get that tattoo on your back?”

Shaun glanced at me for a second before answering, “I got it for my mom. She passed away when I was a kid.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

Our eyes met for a second before we both turned to watch the road ahead.

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago. I got the tat when I was eighteen. My dad’s family is Irish. That’s why I got a Celtic cross. I actually drove to Miami to get it done. I wanted to make sure it was perfect.”

“It’s a beautiful tattoo.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you plan to get any more?”

Shaun lifted his shoulder before letting it drop. “I dunno. Maybe. I know they say tattoos are addictive, but I need something important enough to put on my skin forever before I’ll get another one.”

“What about surfing?” I pulled my hair back and tied it into a ponytail.

“What should I get? A surfboard tattooed on my ass?” Shaun asked, chuckling.

I grinned. “Good point.”

“Okay, my turn,” Shaun announced as he looked over his shoulder before merging onto the highway.

My body tensed as I waited to hear his question.

“Hmm…let me think of something good.” He pursed his lips and tapped the steering wheel with his index finger.

I smiled, but I was secretly praying he wouldn’t ask anything too personal.

“How did you lose your virginity?” he asked with a sly grin.

He probably thought that would be a safe question, maybe even embarrassing or funny. Just the mention of my virginity brought me back to that place—that dirty small bathroom where I’d watched myself scrub what was left of my innocence from my legs.

The atmosphere in the car changed when I didn’t respond, and I rubbed my lips together, contemplating what to tell him. I wanted to be honest with him because I knew I could. After all, we were friends. But my hands were sweating, and I could feel the nerves building in my gut when the words formed in my mind.

Shaun looked at me, and I knew he could tell I was trying to decide what to say. He was probably waiting to see if I’d be honest with him or feed him bullshit.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to tackle another fear. For the first time, I was going to tell someone what had really happened to me. “I don’t remember. I mean, I was really drunk, and I think I blacked out. I remember being alone with a guy. When I woke up the next morning, my virginity was lost.” I let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Not exactly the fairy tale you were expecting, right?”

Shaun’s jaw clenched, and he looked at me for a few seconds before moving his gaze back to the road. His grip tightened on the steering wheel before he took a deep breath and blew it out. “You’ve never told anyone, have you?”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to keep control of my emotions. Telling Shaun this secret I’d held on to for so long had all of those old feelings creeping up on me again. I thought I had moved past them, but maybe I had just buried them deep inside me with everything else.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he said as his eyes met mine again.

I had to look away before he saw how much those words meant. That one sentence felt like a balm to my aching heart. Somehow, he had known to say the one thing I’d needed to hear for so long.

We were silent for a while before I composed myself.

I shrugged, trying to make light of it. “It’s in the past. Shit happens, right?”

Shaun gave me a small smile, but I could tell he was still upset from hearing my confession.

I decided to try to change the subject. “So, how about you? Did you have sex with your babysitter or something?”

Shaun chuckled and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. “No. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

That got me curious. I raised my eyebrows and turned in my seat to face him. “Try me.”

He smirked and peered over at me. “I lost my virginity in a threesome. I was a freshman, and they were seniors.”

My mouth dropped open as I gawked at him. “Are you serious?”

He didn’t respond. He just looked at me.

“Wow. That’s impressive.”

Shaun laughed.

“No wonder you’re so cocky.”

Natalie and I talked the entire trip home. I learned that she loved photography. She’d wanted to go to college to study it, but she hadn’t been able to because her mom had left her with her little sister when she just turned eighteen. It was surprising to me how she had sacrificed her own happiness and dreams. And the fact that she had been raped and never told anyone made me realize that she was a lot stronger and more guarded than I’d thought. It meant a lot to me that she trusted me enough to share her secrets.

“So, what’s your dream?” Natalie asked.

I took the exit toward Virginia Beach. “My dream?”

“Yeah. What’s the one thing you wish you could do that you aren’t doing now?”

I thought about it for a second, contemplating if I should tell her about my surfboard designs. I figured since she’d been so honest with me, I should do the same.

“I’d love to travel the world and surf. Maybe sell some of my designs, so I could afford it.”

“Designs?”

“Yeah, I’ve got some ideas for surfboards. It’s nothing crazy, just a few variations on what’s already out there. I’ve been working on them for a few years.”

“Really? That’s cool. Have you tried selling them to anyone?”

I shook my head as I drove Natalie’s car toward her apartment building. “Nah.”

“Well, why not?”

“I don’t know. I just haven’t.”

“I call bullshit.”

My eyes went to hers, and my eyebrows drew together.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s bullshit. You’re scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. Rejection? Failure?”

I sighed as I leaned back in my seat. “What about you? What are you so scared of?”

Natalie looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why aren’t you a photographer? Why didn’t you ever go back to school?”

“I’m not scared. I just couldn’t go. School is expensive, and I—”

“Just got a raise?” I said, interrupting her.

Natalie’s mouth snapped shut, and she turned to look out the windshield as we approached her building. “Fine.”

I looked at her, and she smirked.

“I’ll enroll in some photography classes if you show Marcus your designs. I’m sure he could help you sell them.”

I shook my head.

“Come on, don’t be a pussy.”

“I’m not being a pussy. It’s got nothing to do with being scared.”

“Prove it then.”

I pulled Natalie’s Mustang into an empty spot next to my Jetta and parked it. She had me, and we both knew it.